Tell me how you really f'in feel

[ReadySteadyGo 8]

So.

In kindergarten I meet this girl. Fast forward 20 years and we are best friends and room mates. I've struggled with my weight for 12 of those years and she always has supported me and been understanding. In fact the bigger I got the closer we got. She has been a size 2 at 4'11 for years. I'm not one of those big girls that have a problem with smaller ones. I love my woman all shapes and sizes as long as they are healthy.

Her boyfriend had a pretty bad weight problem too. She always said she thought big was sexy and that big girls were beautiful and I never doubted her....

In the last year she has gained maybe 25 lbs. Which means that she is wearing a size 6 now and she is depressed. I've tried not to let it bother me that she is being all pissy about being a size 6...when I was a 28 and she told me she tought I was beautiful. I try to understand but then...

We took a picture togethor and it is a beautiful picture and I said so and she made a horrible face. I asked her what was wrong and she said "Look at my gut. That is disgusting" I was really taken back. Really? Disgusting? In the last few months since shes gained a little weight the fact that she has some serious problem with fat has come out. Obviously she thinks it is disgusting and she admitted some crazy things that she has done so she wouldn't become fat...and she was tiny tiny tiny tiny to the point of being unhealthy.

So i wonder- I really feel that she only accepts my weight because it makes her feel skinny. That she only dated big guys because it reminded her she wasn't fat. I feel kind of deceived. I love her at whatever size she would be, not because of it. I thought she felt the same way. We have been friends since kindergarten. I feel like she was my sister...now I kind of feel like her self esteem booster, the person she compared herself to to assure herself she was sexy...because she doesn't like to hang out with girls she thinks are prettier than her. Does that mean she thinks I'm ugly? I think I'm hot, and I think she is beautiful, but lately my opinion of her is really really dropping. It's so sad. So so so so sad.

[Ninja 0]

ReadySteady, you know your friend better than any of us here, but I wouldn't necessarily assume she's been lying to you all this time. I understand where you're coming from, but I think it's more likely that how she views herself has absolutely nothing to do with how she views the rest of the world. She's clearly got some body-image problems, but that doesn't mean she transfers them on to you. We are all our own worst critics and beat ourselves up for things we wouldn't think twice of in other people, and it sounds like her feelings about herself might be an example of that. You've known her since kindergarten, so think about which explanation is more in line with what you know about her.

FWIW, my best friend of 10 years is 5'8" and a perfect size 4. She tells me I'm beautiful and I know she means it, and at the same time she complains that her ass is fat and I know she means it. It's all a matter of perception, and all you can do is internally roll your eyes and do what you can to help her see past her own perceived flaws.

[Nanook 2]

Ready...,

It's clearly her issue but if she says something that you find somewhat offensive for example looking at herself in a pic when she's a size 6 and saying look at my gut tell her how it makes you feel. It's all relative, models are jumping out of the NYC apartment buildings to their death, they'd don't love themselves anymore than a larger size woman. (I'm assuming it's still a suicide).

You also have given out the message that you're not pleased with your body by having WLS so possibly she feels it's fine to discuss things in that way with you. I'm not saying the only reason we tend to get WLS is for esthetics as health is and should be the main reason but we all feel pressure to fit into society's ideal.

If she's a toxic friend then maybe you should rethink the "friend" thing. If she's been there for you for 20 years and you realize that no one is perfect and you can still benefit from each other's friendship then work past it. Nanook.

[plain 12]

RSG, it sounds to me like she is hyper-critical of herself. Just because she finds fault with something on herself doesn't mean she sees the same thing on you....I am way more demanding and critical of myself than any of my friends or family...maybe she's the same?

I'm not bragging (well, maybe a little), but I've never had trouble getting girls. I've always been built big (muscle covered with chubby) and I'm certainly not handsome....but what I have always had is personality. I have dated several women where I've overheard "why is she dating him". I laughed it off, but it was hurtful a little bit. My point is, people like what they like. I don't think it's totally fair for you to ascribe motive as to why your friend likes big guys. Maybe she likes what she likes.

Until she does something ugly, I'd give my friend the benefit of the doubt.

[Gracey 7]

ReadySG - I feel for you. I briefly had a friend who was this side of anorexic and whined about 5 pounds. I found it very insulting and insensitive until a mutual friend explained to me that her thoughts etc were singularly about her. In her mind, my weight issue was completely irrespective of her her her body image. She was/is also incredibly mentally unstable but I digress.

If she has been your friend since kindergarten, I would just sit her down and explain to her how her comments make you feel. As psychs explain, begin with "I feel" and not "you do this or that." Then the person feels less like you are attacking. (I could stand to remember these words myself!)

Good luck! :-)

[ReadySteadyGo 8]

I just needed to vent the anger so It didn't come out on her.

I'm still disturbed but if it continues I will just have to tell her how I feel. I have always promoted a Healthy body image. I loved myself at every weight I have ever been. I got WLS because my legs were swelling and already having strange feet I can't stand or walk for long peroids of time, and carrying around 160 lbs of extra flub I was scared that I wouldn't be able to even walk to my car if I gained anymore weight.

I always thought I surrounded myself with body confident people. People who loved themselves, because that is important to me. I am not angry anymore but part of me thinks "who is this person" She is still in my heart. She is still the same person. But I honestly can't STAND those people who look in the mirror or at pictures whining about how fat they are whether they are a size 6 or 26. If your unhappy with something fix it or get over it. She has never been one of those people before and I just keep thinking "what happened?"

Now that I have calmed down however, I am thinking the death of her mother last year has something to do with it. Her dad died years ago and she broke up with her boyfriend of seven years while her mom was dying because she didn't want to get married at that time. I think it is just her pain coming out. It's a lot to deal with and some Woman tend to take out their depression on their bodies. I just had a moment of frustration. I just have to remember to be there for her. I still think the obsession with her tiny tummy is kind of ridiculous, but it's her right. If it gets to the point that I can't take it I will just tell her to refrain from making those comments around me because they are driving me crazy.

[libra 13]

Try to realize that we, as a whole, are much more critical on ourselves than our friends and loved ones. She's probably perfectly accepting of your weight and not at all accepting of her own. We, women especially, always look at ourselves negatively. I wouldn't take it as she's disgusted by you.

I'd actually be more concerned with you said were some extreme measures she's taken to get the weight off. I'd be more concerned for her well being than worrying about her true feelings about your size.

[ReadySteadyGo 8]

I'm always concerned about her well being and I'm not going to sit here and list off all the things I do and have done for her and will do for her. I love her, but That doesn't mean she doesn't get on my damn nerves sometimes.

[juliegeraci 7]

I would talk it through with her. It sounds like you are really close and can work through this. I am glad you loved yourself at any weight. It makes a world of difference when you get close to goal like I am. Good luck with your continued success.

[Gracey 7]

I love her, but That doesn't mean she doesn't get on my damn nerves sometimes.

Amen, gf! Better to go off on her on this site to strangers than to her face!