New to here...Bulimic and about to have my band removed

Ginny926 · June 26, 2008

:Angel_anim: So we all go about this journey hoping that it will change our life dramatically and so it has. Unfortunately, my past demons have come to haunt me and reality has set in and I am scared because the security I had with the band will be gone. Yet, I can no longer afford to play Russian Roullete.

My band placed on 10-09-06 a day which I thought would change my "fat girl" image. I was honest about being a BULIMIC. I stopped 6-9 months prior to surgery. Whether or not the therapist made that known to my surgeon I have no clue, but she cleared me for surgery and I made a promise to myself that the THROWING would end. Well, I had some issues with the band and reflux and this and that andmy doctor didnt know what to do with me. So we unfilled my band in Feb of 07 and I learned to deal with the band as a tool, which I always knew it was, and the weight starting coming off. I was excited but I never deal with myself.........

Life has been a rollecoaster for as long as can remember it doesnt really matter, but just the fact that it has is justification itself. i returned to Pinge and Burge ways in Late April/May and didnt consider it a big deal even though I knew what I was doing. I am nurse I use to work at the hospital where my surgeon performed these life altering miracles for people. And I still did this. I would go to see him and lie and pretend I was okay and didnt need a fill and that he did wonders for me. Who was I fooling.....

Well, I came to a turning point in Feb. of 08 I needed help.....MENTAL help because I was heading down a road where life was more miserable as a thinner person than a fat person. I went to a therapist and realized why I became Bulimic 10 years ago, why eat the way I do. It took 2 months to admit to loved ones that I was bulimic. It took 3 months to admint to my Bariatric surgeon that I was Bulimic.

My doctor is giving me the option to remove my band, because he feels that if I dont it could worse. I know it will get worse. Because I will always have a dual diagnose of Bulimia and Obesity. And after hearing all the things that can happen with the Lap Band and throwing I am scared, but I know inside I cant stop throwing even if it means saving my life.

HeatherO · June 26, 2008

The bulimic lifestyle is not healthy banded or unbanded. It is still something that you will need to address regardless of whether or not you have the band.

It almosts seems as if you are settling in for the bulimic lifestyle, feel that it is impossible for you to do any better, and giving up your band is just making it one step easier to allow yourself to be victimized by your compulsions. You say you will not give up the behavior even if you are risking your life.

Why settle for an unhealthy lifestyle? You said that you quit for 6-9 months prebanding and was working with a therapist. You had control over it then, what is so different about it now. Why do you give up on yourself this way?

Bulimia will still has great risks even without the banding, it will just be a whole lot easier to engage in it after the band is gone.

juliatabor · June 26, 2008

Hi Ginny

First of all welcome to the forum! I'm pretty new myself, only found it a few weeks ago and it's been a such a blessing. Everyone's very helpful and supportive.

I'm a bit older than you (41) and have struggled with bulimia on and off since I was 17. I'm due to be banded next week .AnywayI just logged on to the forum , read your post and had a lot of identification with what you were saying. I really understand and my heart goes out to you. Bulimia is a very lonely road and like you there have many times when I've carried on and done it knowing full well the consequences could be dire.

Anway, I just wanted to reach out the hand of friendship to you and offer my support. I have found in recent years that even though a person may not be able to actually stop us from doing from we do, just having another human being who truly understands what you're going through is a massive help.

Take care

Julia x

Ginny926 · June 26, 2008

I would def. say that I am not settling for this behavior. I am having the band removed because it's not easy to stop throwing and it could be that one time that I do it that the band decides to POP and something serious happens. The road to recovery for Bulimia is going to be long and I dont plan on stopping my journey with recovery after the band is taken out. TRUST ME.......I plan on getting help but I dont know how long this will take and I am not willing to risk a band over ME, if that makes sense.

tommaney · June 26, 2008

Ginny...are there any online groups or forums for Bulimia specifically you can join to help support you? LBT of course is definitely here for you--as you can see there's even a place for those that have been debanded.

I worry about more than just the throwing part that endangers the band and your health. If you find yourself doing the binging part as well, then overeating can cause obstructions, damage to your esophagus--the list goes on.

No matter what you do, please know that you seem to be a very brave person who really is seeking health--physical and mental. You had the courage to acknowledge the disorder (a feat in itself), seek therapy, and even undertake the daunting task of telling others about it. There are countless others who have struggled and not been able to do the things you've already done. There is hope for you, and I wish you the very best.

Ginny926 · June 27, 2008

Thanks Tommaney I dont Binge thank God I have learned to tame that behavior, Granted there are times when I feel we can never fill ourselves up enough with food because we are ineveitably hungry. Yes, I do get hungry and YES I feel guilty for that. I dont throw to be skinny I want to know this. Before years before I did throw to be skinny. This band has helped emmensly to see many things about myself, but it has become a danger to me, because of what I do to myself. No matter what I eat whether its BLD it comes up whether I have tried to keep it down or made it come up. So I am afraid if I work on stop purging, which I have been trying, with the interevention of surgery I am gonna do my harm then good. I am in the process of joining a bulimia support group. After I am done with this surgery I will probably be put into an intense intake Bulimia program for a week or two so I can learn to re eat with out a band. I am 25 and need to regain control and I am scared.

Remember I am not here to BASH the BAND!

juliatabor · June 27, 2008

Hi Ginny

Have tried to respond to your add to friends list but dont know if I did it right! Def not ignoring you, am just rubbish on the computer! Obviously I said yes!

Anyway how are you doing? I was thinking about your predicament last night and imaging myself in your shoes ( it wasnt difficult to do and you know why!) and I am convinced you're doing the right thing for your health and safety. It has crossed my mind a million times what am I going to do if my bulimia kicks in at some point in the future once I've been banded. It's a serious concern. You must have been through hell and back worrying about your situation.

Anyway, I hope you're doing ok. When things have been tough for me inthe past the best I can deal with is on a 'one day at a time' basis or else I'd have gone mad!

Take care

Julia x