Heartbroken...

[kimaly 57]

Amanda, Your hubby sounds alot like mine. I to am doing all on my own including going to mexico by myself. My hubby would never say anything mean and from now on will be refered to as Ye of few words, that's the the thing he just doesn't say much or ask any questions. I just chalk it up to he's used to me handling everything. I'm sure he doesn't mean to hurt you he probaly just doesn't understand what your going through. That's the good thing about this site we're all in the same boat and I think it really helps us to get through it and work through our feelings knowing other are just where your at and so willing to help. good luck. :thumbup:

[Susanbee 0]

though i can't speak for you and your husband i can tell you about my experience. I took my teenage daughter to the first meeting so she won't be so nervous about the banding. My husband never asked and I never told. He felt that if i'd just go on a diet and exercise i would loose weight....dah...anyway I did the rest all myself. 6 month preop 2 1/2 hours away in the wintertime in PA. Worked all day then drove to the meeting and home by myself. Had most tests done locally but still had to drive 2 1/2 hours to pre op and operation. Got my mom to drive me down the day of the operation. My mom stayed with me till after the operation and my daughter...who goes to college near where I had this done came in the afternoon. The next day my sister in law picked me up and brought me home. As you notice no husband anywhere. He just didn't want to do the hospital thing and it was okay with me....i got others to support my cause. I thnk my husband was worried and i know he hates hospitals. I never minded that fact that his support was so little. I wasn't doing this for him I was doing it for me. Now that the weight is coming off he is a bit more excited about the process. Except he make comments like how much weight have you lost this week....if i say 2 pounds he seems disappointed ...and states is that all.....IS THAT ALL>>>he just doesn't get it....see why i'm glad he stayed home. Don't get me wrong. He is a great guy...but he just doesn't get the overweight thing.

[maguirre67 0]

Its not that he doesnt care he probably doesnt show it at least he can be there for you mine cant come because of the kids so im going by myself my friend is having it done at the same time

[ilse72 0]

Amanda, there could be so many reasons while your hubby is acting like this but, if he won't discuss it with you, there isn't much you can do. Just keep those lines of communication open so that when he is ready, you can both discuss how he feels about it. In the meantime, please consider having a very close relative or your best friend as a support system and to be with you. Then you won't have to go it alone. Good luck!

[mphsmommy 0]

Hmm, our situations are pretty different so I'm not sure what to say. My husband is active duty military and we have a 6 year old, so when I do have appointments he is either at work or staying home with our daughter. It doesn't bother me that he hasn't gone to any appointments, but he always ask me how my appointment was and what they said and he wants to know whats going on and where I am at in the process and what comes next.

[lapbandbarb 0]

I figured we could start communicating on the on the public forums. It is easier than private. How are you? I've been thinking about you and came across your post on this forum. It is a very emotional time for us, esp w/ the med situation. Know that I am here if you need me(public or private)

I'd love to hear from others on this forum, too.

I knew we had lots of issues in common, like the meds and such, but I didn't know our husbands were so much alike, too.

I have done everything alone, too. If I was not (happily, but it is alot of work) married for 12 years now with two kids and so much "stuff" my husband and I have been through, I would feel exactly the way you do. I have just learned that that is the way he is, he works hard and cares alot about his family but I knew I'd be doing this alone until the day of my surgery. That is why I reach out to this website and to you.

I would not even mention to my husband that I resent always being alone on these appts. I know that he is worried that something could happen to me, just as I am sure that is on your husband's mind. That could be why he doesn't want to talk or be involved with it(he could be really scared)

How have you been with you on the pre-op diet? I was doing good during the first week, even cooking for everyone. Now I am hiding in my bedroom or leaving whenever it is their meal time. I ran to the market and got enough micro-dinners for the three of them to last until my surgery on July 7th. I feel guilty about that because the food is not very healthy and they are used to me cooking and sitting with them. My husband works 10 hour days as a UPS man and I have to feed them before he gets home.

I am so weak and nervous now that I don't even think I will care this week if my 11 yr old son sits at the computer and my 8 yr old daughter plants herself infront of the TV all week. Isn't that awful? And on Tues, I have to drag them an hour to the city to go with me to my pre-surgery testing because I have nobody this week to stay with them.

Oh well, everyone keeps telling me that it is not such a big deal, they'll survive and I am doing the right thing. Maybe it will get easier again this week. Another full week of liquids UGU!!! I know your surgey is the 2nd. Hope to hear from you before then. GOOD LUCK and don't worry about anything!

[wsw27 0]

Amanda,

As you can see from the many posts replying to your note, many people have similar experiences.

My husband is sort of in between. He came to the surgeon consult when I asked and has told me that he supports my decision. But then yesterday he asked me "do you want me to bring you to the hospital on Tuesday?" (Surgery is 7/1) Well, duh! I said yes, of course and then later told him I was hurt that he even asked. He told me that he didn't want to make an "assumption," that if it was him having surgery he might not want me to bring him and sit with him. Of course I reminded him that when he had his hernia repair I was there with him the entire time! The point of the story is that men think about these things differently.

The idea of the surgery and the life change it will mean for you may be making him nervous about how it will change your relationship with him. He may not even realize that he is concerned about that, but he is reacting to those feelings by keeping his distance about the logisitics of the surgery. You may have to spell it out for him and tell him exactly what you need. I know that is scary sometimes (what if he doesn't do it???) but if you don't ask specifcally, you'll just be hurt and angry and it will come out in other ways. For now, try to think about someone who you can count on. Is there a close friend nearby who know you are planning to have surgery? Set up your own support system so you have a safety net. Good luck to you. Hang in there .

[mrsgriffin2u 1]

I figured we could start communicating on the on the public forums. It is easier than private. How are you? I've been thinking about you and came across your post on this forum. It is a very emotional time for us, esp w/ the med situation. Know that I am here if you need me(public or private)

I'd love to hear from others on this forum, too.

I knew we had lots of issues in common, like the meds and such, but I didn't know our husbands were so much alike, too.

I have done everything alone, too. If I was not (happily, but it is alot of work) married for 12 years now with two kids and so much "stuff" my husband and I have been through, I would feel exactly the way you do. I have just learned that that is the way he is, he works hard and cares alot about his family but I knew I'd be doing this alone until the day of my surgery. That is why I reach out to this website and to you.

I would not even mention to my husband that I resent always being alone on these appts. I know that he is worried that something could happen to me, just as I am sure that is on your husband's mind. That could be why he doesn't want to talk or be involved with it(he could be really scared)

How have you been with you on the pre-op diet? I was doing good during the first week, even cooking for everyone. Now I am hiding in my bedroom or leaving whenever it is their meal time. I ran to the market and got enough micro-dinners for the three of them to last until my surgery on July 7th. I feel guilty about that because the food is not very healthy and they are used to me cooking and sitting with them. My husband works 10 hour days as a UPS man and I have to feed them before he gets home.

I am so weak and nervous now that I don't even think I will care this week if my 11 yr old son sits at the computer and my 8 yr old daughter plants herself infront of the TV all week. Isn't that awful? And on Tues, I have to drag them an hour to the city to go with me to my pre-surgery testing because I have nobody this week to stay with them. :thumbs_up:

Oh well, everyone keeps telling me that it is not such a big deal, they'll survive and I am doing the right thing. Maybe it will get easier again this week. Another full week of liquids UGU!!! I know your surgey is the 2nd. Hope to hear from you before then. GOOD LUCK and don't worry about anything!

Hey Barbara! I'm doing a lot better than I was a couple of days ago. My liquid diet has failed horribily. My willpower amounts to nothing! I've honestly tried, but to me, it's like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking cold turkey! Oh well... not much I can do now until post-op. I am being strong now... I lost 3 lbs last week on the diet so I'm down 36 lbs total for pre-op. My husband has come around a little bit. After our big blow up and after these wonderful responses, we've talked about it a little/I've gotten over it. I do realize that he thinks completely differently than I do - that doesn't mean I'll ever appreciate it! LOL How are you? You'll get through this - we'll get through this. I'll definitely message you and tell you the TRUTH about everything once I can get my sliced and diced self awake enough to post something on here! :biggrin:

My mom's coming up today to help take care of me for the next few weeks and Ryan (my husband) took the day off. He even went grocery shopping yesterday for my mom and bought foods for him and her to eat - all LOW CALORIE! Who would have thought! LOL Best of luck to ya! :eek:

[amsderb 1]

Good Luck on the July 2nd Bandings! Hang in there! Shelley

[Irish76 0]

Thank you all so much for your replies... I've calmed down a little this morning after sleeping on it and reading all of your comments. I think the hard part is still being a newlywed and having to get use to the "guys" way of thinking. We're still quite young and trying to figure this all out. He grew up in a household in which you DO NOT display emotion and I grew up in the complete opposite. We yelled, cried, whatever, to display the emotion and then we got over it. My dad is a very emotional person and he is the only male, so I guess that's just what I expect.

Thanks again for all of your support! :frown:

I read your entry and could swear that I wrote it! My husband has an attitude of "ok, yet another diet". He went to the first seminar with me and that was it. I have gone through all the other appts alone. He keeps enticing me with cake and ice cream and wants to go out to dinner/breakfast/lunch more than usual. I was getting really annoyed and then realized that he is just as scared and nervous as I, he just doesn't know how to deal with it. I am the one in charge at our house, I make all the decisions so when I made this decision, I made it alone. He will be with me for the surgery but hopes to be able to go back to work that afternoon. He really doesn't get it. If you want to commiserate you can private message me. We WILL get through this together.

[strikeuptheband 16]

Mrsgriffin,

Good luck on the 2nd. It will be done before you know it and you will be on your way to a new you!! I can really relate to your being upset because hubby isn't all as supportive as you would like. Glad to hear you are getting along better. As for me, its taken me years to figure out that the only person I can truly depend on is myself. Its nice when others occasionally give me a boost and for me its icing on the cake. I know if I let myself down, I only have myself to blame. If I keep that in mind, I tend not to get so bent out of shape when someone "lets me down." My BF is another one from Mars that just doesn't get it sometimes, although I know he loves me in his own wierd way.

[djw6171 0]

My husband came straight out and told me he thinks this is a bad idea, I am only doing it because I am too lazy to diet and he will not support me. I am going to do this for ME and my health. I have 3 daughters and I want to see them grow up and have kids of thier own, not stroke out at a young age.

The only thing I can tell you is to continue to focus on YOU and hopefully he will come around. Just let him know how much you need him to be supportive and reassure him that you will continue to love him even when you are thin!!!!

Good luck!

[kjillcarr 0]

I had been thinking about lapband for a while as a couple of co-workers have had it done and were doing well. I spoke with my family doctor and he advised me to go to a seminar. I did and filled out the paperwork and got approved. A requirement is to watch a video explaining all about the lapband. My husband knew about what I was doing but didn't say much.

What is funny is that my husband saw a report on TV about the lapband and being able to get off a lot of medicine if you have the surgery and told me about it. I mentioned that I wanted him to view the video and he did. Afterwards he said to me, "are you sure you want to give up so much?".

I tolld him that I wanted his support and that my mind was made up. He didn't go to the hospital with me--I asked my daughter who is a nurse to go--he seemed relieved when I told him that she was going with me. He is obsessed with his job so he was glad he didn't have to ask off. I actually stayed at my daughters house for two nights. He did call the first night to see how I was but not the second night. It has been three weeks now and he has asked a couple of questions but doesn't seem too interested. It has been difficult to finally do something for me and not to care what he or others think about the process. I am so glad I had it done and I look forward to my new life with or without him playing a part in it.

[juliegeraci 7]

You have a really good attitude. Sometimes the ones we love can be the most supportive or visa versa. In your case, you are surrounding yourself with people like us. Congrats on getting banded and being so curageous. Lapband is a life change.

[bandofhope 1]

Hi Amanda,

I just celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary and I can only tell you this... men are different from women and they always will be. Although we have been trained by the "new" sitcoms to believe that men actually care about things we care about (excluding basics such as caring for our kids, the BASIC needs of each other.. etc.) they don't. Men and men and women are women and the two shall never meet on the gray area. Your marriage is new and don't waste away the years worrying that he doesn't "understand" you or love you. He does or he would not have married you.. or at least that's the case with most marriages. A HUSBAND DOES NOT A BEST GIRLFRIEND MAKE! So, if he goes to work, doesn't beat the crap out of you, shows up for the family holiday meals, is in bed with you at night and there when you wake up, then he's in it for the long haul. He may not be there for the doctor and support group meetings but I bet he will be there for the surgery. And that will be alright. If you never remember anything you ever hear about marriage remember what I am telling now, just like a said earlier ... don't expect a girl friend in her husband, because she ain't there! That's what girls night is for! Good luck with everything and God Bless!