Heartbroken...

[mrsgriffin2u 1]

So, my husband and I are both stressed about the surgery coming up (7/2). He's stressed because I'm an emotional wreck right now... but he had no right to say what he just said to me. You guys are really my only real-time support b/c my family is so far away, so I'm going to spill my guts, even if no one reads this!

We were talking about his lack of interest in my surgery - he hasn't asked any questions and hardly knows anything about it. I told him that it upsets me that he hasn't taken any interest and that it may be best if he knows a little bit about the life change I'm making. I also expressed my saddness that I've gone through this entire process by myself (Dr.'s appointments, consultations, evaulations, pre-op diet, etc.) and he has the nerve to look at me and tell me that I haven't had to do that much by myself. Granted - no one has gone to a single meeting with me - not ONE! Are you serious?? How am I suppose to deal with that statement. He doesn't even understand what I'm going through right now. I don't know if I even want him there the day of my surgery now because his clear insincerity may just bring me down... UGH!

[Ebeth0013 0]

Ok so i really cant relate since im not married, but i do have a boyfriend that i have been dating for 3 and half years now. He has been pretty supportive he read all the material i was given and such. But what you have to understand is that he(Your husband) is a man, they are not the brightest creatures. lol but what i di with my boyfriend was asked him if he really wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives, and which he said yea then i said ok your gonna be with my band too. We come together. Maybe if you step back and give him another chance, he will understand whats going on better. Because he has no idea the hell you have gone through, he couldnt he knows nothing about the whole process. So just sit him down and explain, and if he still has the nerve to tell you that than all hell should break lose. My surgeon had that(you didnt try very hard) attitude with me. but he didnt even know me, cus all me pre-opp visits were with another doctor, i just met my surgeon once before surgery, so talk about being mad. He had no idea what i had been through either. It made me feel so bad!! stick in there

[agreatknead 1]

Hi Amanda,

Remember this, when you expect someone else to act or respond differently than they do you have just given them all you power. Don't allow his response or anyone else's to take away from you what you possess. You ARE incredibly powerful and you are taking the steps to make yourself and your life better. Yes, it would be nice if he were more supportive but on some level he is doing the best he can. Men have a hard time expressing themselves sometime, you know that Men are from Mars bit? I went to Mexico by myself and did all the research without anyone's help. My husband was very supportive but we just couldn't afford to both travel that far so you can do it, girl! Take back your power, you have so much to look forward to, I wish I had done this when I was 24. Take care and know that we are all rooting for you.

Sally

[OH Juli 15]

Just to be a little sympathetic for the guy. Please don't hate me for not getting your side, I get it, but look at things from his point of view.

First, he loves you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. He's scared to death the the LOVE OF HIS LIFE might die having a surgery. He probably thinks you don't need it because you are beautiful and perfect just as you are. I doubt he has the words to tell you that with out sounding completely unsupportive so he's not saying anything at all. Or what he did say was "you're not going at this alone".

So looking at that statement, do you think he's thinking about it? He thinking that by taking you to surgery, that by not presenting roadblocks that he is doing the best that he can do?

I dare say even if I am off the mark, please allow him to take you to surgery. If, god forbid, something happens to you, you need to be together. He is your partner. He loves you.

[sistasassy 6]

My hubby was kind of nonchalant about the whole process in the beginning too. He seemed disinterested to me. I finally blew up, which is what we do as females, and told him that it really hurt me that he didn't care about what I was trying to do.

He finally said that it was not that he didn't care, it was that he just assumed I had it under control and that he totally supported me and would be there to help.

Sometimes, we have to remember that men are made different than women. It is not that they are stupid or inconsiderate (although I have thrown those very words at my sweet hubby in the heat of an argument). It is that they truly just think differently. That is where we (both men and women) have to cut each other some slack and understand that we are both speaking from different places at times.

It will work out with your hubby. Give it time to cool off and then sit down and really just talk about your insecurities with him. I think you will find that he really does care.

[Charlietuna 0]

Please please don't let any one try to steal your dream.keep beliveing in yourself, share what you can.then all at once the light will turn on.he will be so proud of the "new u".if it's to be it's up to you so go for it.

[ingie54 0]

Hi Amanda

You know, sometimes with guys...if they don't know what to do to help, they just don't do anything - they say stupid things, will pull back and seem distant but that may not truly reflect what is going on inside his heart. I can't speak for your guy and your relationship cuz I don't know you two. But I do know my life. I've been married for 28 years and I love my husband ...not always liking him...would often want to punch his lights out...but time has taught me how to love him. More importantly, I've come to learn how he shows his love and care for me. When it comes to issues that are deep - despite my love for him - I communicate with my "gals". He is not a talker - he is uncomfortable when it comes to anything that might reveal his emotions. I gave birth to 3 babies and with all three...if there was someplace else where he would go, he would. When difficulties arose with the kids - illnesses, crisis's - where is Ed? Don't have a clue. Busy at work, golfing with friends - gads. Drove me absolutely nuts!! I hated that feeling of being alone. Over the years and with experiences faced along the way...what I learned was that my perception was wrong. He is a logical "systems" type of guy. If the issue was not printed out in a "user manual" somewhere...he froze! In order to be "in control" he detached. About 15 years ago I broke my ankle and was laid up for 8 weeks - couldn't walk on it. I remember the night it happened and he was in the hospital with me. When they put my IV in he almost fainted. I asked him what was wrong (later when we were alone) and he looked me dead in the face and said "It scares the "crap" out of me when something is wrong with you and I don't know what I can do to help you". WOW! That was more communication said in one sentence than was spoken in our entire married life! It blew me away!

You said it in your note - he's stressed because you are an emotional wreck. Another thing I've learned over the years...as a wife and mom...I yield an awful lot of power over my family. If I'm a wreck and need to pull away ... my husband and kids seem to wander in states of confusion. When I'm doing fine - they are happy and content. That is scary to me but more often than not simply the way things are in relationships.

No, he may not see or understand your investment - emotionally and mentally now - physically when you have the surgery...or maybe he does. Your "fellow sojourners" understand what this means and its good that you are allowing yourself to be transparent and have other outlets for support.

Grow in Patience - Love is a Choice each and every day! Let him come to your surgery - let him learn how to take care of you. Communicate to him what you need. He obviously isn't catching on naturally ;o) Also observe how he loves you and receive that from him...when you begin to see how he brings love into your relationship...you'll be blessed!

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalms 30:5

[pattyfromny 0]

I am very sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I can understand your concerns because I have a friend whose husband is sortof like yours. His problem is that he doesn't understand and doesn't know how to say just that so stupid stuff comes out. I can also feel your pain cause I started my process with a friend who was all gung ho about doing this together and as time progressed and I got farther along and evenually had my surgery (5/6) and she didn't, now the support from her and the lift me up is slowlyfading away. Now she might not even go for it for herself. I guess in all my rambling I really want to say that you need to keep your chin up and keep faith in yourself. Don't give up on you. We all need to look deep within and find happyness in ourselves. I really figured that out on my own while talking to my husband about the surgery. I had asked him how he felt and he said he loved me for me and I felt how could he still be atracted to me now 130 heavier than when he married me. See in my case my health caused me to be overweight and I allowed it. But in the long run it really was all about me being happy with me. Please don't give up.

[SHARONCRIST1955 0]

I have been married for 17 years. I did not think my husband was not sympathetic either. Then I thought back my husband wears his feelings mostly inside. He will say something like I know everything will be alright don't worry. When I went for my surgery he paced like when I had my daughter. Don't sell him short he may be worried inside about you and just not letting you see it.

[amsderb 1]

Amanda, take heart...men just don't know what to do so they think if they pretend or act as if it is no big deal..then we will respond the same way and calm down....it doesn't work that way but...as said many times above...They just don't get it!

Let him take you to the surgery...it is a concrete thing that he can do to show his support!

Although my husband has gone with me to everything just about...when I was scared and worried his reponse was..."you'll do great..fine.....just calm down or quit talking to that board or everyone about it!" See, I'm the verbal one and he is the silent one....

Also, they are so worried in their heads about how this will change their lives...like...guys will be googling you...attention will be paid to you! Will you still love him?...You know IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM!

Just take this time to make it all about YOU and let him deal with it!

I am excited for you, your picture is beautiful and you are going to do grreat!

Good luck, Shelley

[Bleste 0]

Hi Amanda,

I have not yet gone through the surgery. I am in the beginning stages right now with my first visit coming up for consultation.

While my husband is all for me having this done, he was not for me having the Gastric Bypass done. So in that aspect I know a little about what you are going through.

Now that my husband has said that he was good to go with me having the Lap-Band done, our son on the other hand is totally against it because he is afraid that something will go wrong and he will lose his mom. Our son also does not fully understand what my body is going through every single day.

He doesn't understand the pain that I have all the time now, and there is no way that I can explain to him that I can feel my body getting worse.

Other than his reaction to your surgery coming up . . . does he support you in other things that you do ? You mentioned that there was some stress. It may be possible that he really does not know how to handle this type of situation at all.

I agree with what the others have said though. Give him some breathing space and then calmly sit down with him and tell him how much you love him and how much you really do need his support.

In the mean time, you are in my prayers!

[angel95812 0]

Hi Amanda,

Please keep you head up and move along with your journey. Nothing can stop you but yourself. From reading here I think I might be the only male to respond at this time. I agree with OH Juli comment about your husband. As a man I have to admit we are not the best at showing our true feelings about things. I am sure your husband is behind you and very concerned about you in everyway. I wonder if he is struggling with the thought of life changing once you lose all kinds of weight. Reason I bring this up is because I am getting ready to be banded on July 23rd and my wife was behind me and said she supported me but there seemed to be something bothering her. Finally it came time to schedule my pre op which is July 8th and she happened to make the appointment for me. Since the day my wife set my pre op appointment she started getting cranky and angry with anything I did. Being a guy my response was what the heck got into her and totally turnd my head to what she was doing. One day last week it all came out and boy did it catch me off guard. My wife broke down in to tears and let it all out. She has a fear of me losing weight and losing me when all is said and done. Even though this if far from the truth because she is my life my love my Queen. I explained to her that I need her by my side and need her support during this drastic change. Im sorry for rambling on I guess what I mean to say is this journey is going to be a huge change not just for you but your husband as well. Some people fear change because they love us just the way we are and think once were thin and confident that we will change as a person. As for me I will always remember who I am and what I was which is fat. I want to be a support to anyone who is looking for support to win this weight loss battle we all face. Please give you husband the chance to open up to you because in his mind you are as perfect as they come and he probably doesnt understand why you want the change so bad.

Best wishes

Angel :biggrin2:

[Long2BFree 12]

I'm sorry you are having to go through this by yourself, but don't let it stop you from becoming the person you want to be. I think too many times men get let off too easy. My hubby has been by my side thorugh all of this. He asks questions, has gone to my nutrition class and was supposed to go with me to the surgeon's office but they cancelled my original appointment and he wasn't able to make it. We have talked extensively about it.

Now that you've shared your feelings with you hubby, he may step up to he plate and start getting more involved. I think that you will want him to be there when you get the surgery because afterall, he is your life partner. Maybe him seeing you in the hospital will trigger something for him.

[mrsgriffin2u 1]

Thank you all so much for your replies... I've calmed down a little this morning after sleeping on it and reading all of your comments. I think the hard part is still being a newlywed and having to get use to the "guys" way of thinking. We're still quite young and trying to figure this all out. He grew up in a household in which you DO NOT display emotion and I grew up in the complete opposite. We yelled, cried, whatever, to display the emotion and then we got over it. My dad is a very emotional person and he is the only male, so I guess that's just what I expect.

Thanks again for all of your support! :embaressed_smile:

[juliegeraci 7]

Amanda, I am sorry you are going through this alone. Do you have a surgeon support group you can join? We are here for you.