Signifigant Other's Insecurities, is it OUR job to stop them?

[MrsFlipFlops 2]

Glou- yes we all do have baggage! :Angel_anim: But as my husband says, at least mine is cute and it all matches.

[Gone4Now 4]

That's a cute saying!

I think next time I'm "unpacking", I'll point out how well the bags match.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Thanks guys.

He is getting to the physco point though and I think that is where the problem is. I don't want to have to worry when I am on a call for work that he will say (again) "who's that, you f*ing him too". I don't want to have to worry whether I can talk to friends without being grilled or pursecuted. I think that is where I am now.

I want to talk to him, but he is not the type to talk and is never open to it. I am to the point where I feel like I am fighting just to prove I am not a whore, which I am not.

I don't have any desire to be with anyone else, but I am feeling pushed away. I don't want to be with someone who can't trust me, even on the phone!

At what point is the comforting beyond necessary? I can tell you that I can't go on long like this!

And then he does the sweet simple things like tape a tv show he knows I would want to see and he reminds me that no one knows me better. Why would I want to go anywhere else? :thumbs_up:

[Gone4Now 4]

Thanks guys.

He is getting to the physco point though and I think that is where the problem is. I don't want to have to worry when I am on a call for work that he will say (again) "who's that, you f*ing him too".

Damn...that would send me over the edge. I'm sorry! :thumbs_up:

I want to talk to him, but he is not the type to talk and is never open to it. I am to the point where I feel like I am fighting just to prove I am not a whore, which I am not.

That's almost abuse, if not there already. How much more can you take?

At what point is the comforting beyond necessary? I can tell you that I can't go on long like this!

I think that may be your answer...?

And then he does the sweet simple things like tape a tv show he knows I would want to see and he reminds me that no one knows me better. Why would I want to go anywhere else? :thumbs_up:

Huge, blatant manipulation tool.

Did he do this kind of stuff when you were fat? Was he always this insecure?

[MacMadame 81]

He sounds like my father. That is not a compliment, by the way.

The "are you f*cking him too" thing is COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE. He needs help and you need to save yourself.

[pearlygirl 1]

Yeah, I'd have to say he's on a whole different level than what I had imagined when I wrote my first post. Whether he like it or not, this MUST be discussed. If you think it'll go better, write him a letter. Sometimes when I am the most frustrated and feel as if a conversation could potentially be damaging and way off track, I'll write a letter. That way you are able to clearly state what you mean without all of the emotion that comes from being face to face. I really think you may be to the point of really needing counseling.

As someone above stated his behavior is almost abusive. The comments he makes are disrespectful, degrading and outrageous. I would put an end to that immediatley. He has to know that you will not accept anything but respect from him at any time.

[MrsFlipFlops 2]

Hm, yeah, I agree. I think there's a difference between insecurity and abusive control that's tied to insecurity.

[Pix 4]

Sweetheart your husband needs counseling. I think you would both benefit from marriage counseling but your husband especially. Even the best relationships can benefit from marriage counseling I think.

But your husband really needs to get some help with his insecurities, as they can lead to severely abusive behaviors as you are finding out. Right now he is on that cusp of either realizing he is being a raging jerk or falling into an abusive pattern that will only push you further and further away.

You need to put your foot down and tell him that he needs help for his insecurities. No one, and I mean NO ONE deserves treatment like you are getting right now.

[Manatee 3]

Yep, that's clearly an abusive pattern. Beware, spending too much time in that kind of environment can warp your through processes and make you think it's 'normal'. It's not, it's unhealthy and damaging.

Time to make him talk with a neutral party, to see if he can fix his head.

In the meantime, based on my experiences, it's probably not a bad idea to start planning. This may sound bad, but here it is: go get a safe deposit box in your name at a different bank. Get a PO box/mailing center address too. Start stashing some *cash* in the safety deposit box, and get a credit card or two in your name only sent to the PO box and stash it in the safety deposit box.

You may never need it, but if you do, you will NEED it.

Hate to be the bearer of that idea, but I've been there done that, got the paperwork...

[JaimeSTL 4]

Your husband is setting himself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. He's insecure, so he accuses you of messing around, which then pushes you away continuing the cycle and ultimately if you leave him, he'll say, see I told you so. My husband and I have to deal with this on a smaller scale already because he's convinced that I will leave him when I'm thinner. He first thought that about me going back to school when I started back a couple of years ago (that if I could be financially independent I wouldn't need him).

I think that you two should see a marriage counselor, both together and apart. My husband and I saw one a few years ago when things were pretty rocky and it did wonders for us. I'd go all the time, even when things are fine, if I could afford it. A good counselor can really help you open the doors of communication and see things in a way you wouldn't have seen them before.

I think that we can only go so far with making our SO's feel more secure. After a point, it is just basic trust (and this is coming from someone who used to be insanely jealous). It isn't our job to stop living our lives and being ourselves to make them feel better and they don't have the right to demand such a thing. If you are doing your part by being affectionate, making him feel loved, etc., then he needs to do his part and trust you.

Good luck, BBK. I've read lots of your posts here and you are truly an inspiration!

[Daisalana 33]

Uhm, wow. "You going to F*ck him too?" would cause a fight in my house.

I have never been insecure in my relationship and vise versa for my husband, so my thinking might be one sided, and of course not everyone fits into my bubble.. but if you can't trust someone, you can't be in a relationship together. Relationships are hard enough without having trust issues!

If your reassurance falls on deaf ears, I would suggest counseling so that maybe he'll get more perspective and realizes you didn't settle, you were with him because you wanted to be.

[plain 12]

At what point is the comforting beyond necessary?

When there is abuse of any kind...

[libra 13]

I think relationship counseling may help. It really depends on you and your relationship to this point. My husband was ALWAYS loving and supportive and for some reason, my weight loss threw him for a loop.

He's 16 years older and I think the dynamic of our relationship changed after I lost the weight. I guess he didn't know where he fit in, or IF he fit in any more. In counseling, it came out that he was afraid that I wanted a more exciting life than he could offer. (I was running a rock band website and talking regularly to a Hollywood Movie Director as part of it) I think he thought I was looking for someone more exciting. Counseling really helped me understand his fears and assured him that I wasn't settling for him, that I really love him.

If you feel the relationship is worth it, you may want to suggest counseling to him.

[heartfire 4]

Best wishes to you, BBK. It sounds abusive (my sister's husband is an abuser so I've seen it) and you need to decide how much you want to be invested in this. Do you think he can/will change his thought process? Is this just one more thing or the first thing that's ever happened? Emotional manipulators are hard to pin down. Have there been other things that he's done similar to this and you're just now seeing it? You don't need to answer publicly, just some things to think about as you try to figure out what to do.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you deal with this. Some things for YOU to do in the meantime: follow Manatee's advice and prepare yourself. Start counseling on your own. Even if he decides to go later, this will help you a lot. Don't worry about finding the right counselor the first time around. You have to find someone you are comfortable with and will listen to and alternately share your thoughts with.

Keep us up to date as to how you are and stay safe!