Signifigant Other's Insecurities, is it OUR job to stop them?

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Ok, I am hot under the collar. Is it our JOB to stop, cure, whatever you want to call it the fears, insecurities and misgivings of our signifigant other's about us being faithful? Why should I constantly have to reassure that I am not straying or that no one else has caught my eye?

What is our job as a spouse, lover, girlfriend, boyfriend to make them feel comfortable about WHO we have become?

[libra 13]

You going through that too? That was me about six months ago. I guess it depends on how much the relationship means to you. I started to understand how my husband felt after being on the other side when I was over 300 pounds.

I just started showing him the attention I always wanted to but felt too insecure to. Just little things to let him know that he's the man I want. I don't think you should feel obligated to do anything really. I think for me it was just about me opening up a little and letting my true feelings show.

[MicheleK 8]

This post was an eye opener. I never thought of this...I'm sure this is an issue for a lot of bandsters. Seriously, that has to be weird for the spouse, especially if they don't adjust quickly to change.

I guess I can see how it would be hard for someone used to being married to a 300lb person...all of a sudden being married to a 150lb person. Let's face it, even if you have a lot of admirers at a larger size (and I know plenty of women that do) you'll have even MORE at a smaller size.

Anyway, that's gotta be a tough spot for you guys, I mean it's enough to deal with your own changes...but trying to help the person you live with adjust too has to be a real pain.

[plain 12]

Is it our JOB to stop, cure, whatever you want to call it the fears, insecurities and misgivings of our signifigant other's about us being faithful?

Yup. That is our job, as spouses....to reassure, even if the fear is far-fetched and unlikely. How long should you calmly assure your husband of your fidelity? I don't know...how long would he do it for you?

Edited June 26, 2008 by plain
I can't type!!

[Nanook 2]

Couldn't have said it better myself Plain!:embaressed_smile:

[Jachut 487]

I dunno, I think it speaks of someone's own insecurity that they would think that you were with them only becuase you were fat and had no better choices. That's something you really cant sort out for someone else. You can reassure, but you cant resolve.

Its also a bit weird to think that just because someone changes int eh way they look, they'd change morally and philosophically.

I think if it were my DH feeling that way I'd try to be reassuring but eventually, I think we'd be fighting about it. It really is his problem, not yours. But its a serious one that I'd want to sort. I think I'd do my block as I'd see it as pretty needy and childish. I've never given DH one single occasion to even imagine I'd be unfaithful, so I'd be a bit taken aback if he suddenly started acting as if he thought that of me.

I get why you're hot under the collar, totally. Just not sure what I'd do about it, other than have "a talk".

[Manatee 4]

Maybe he thinks he doesn't match anymore.

You know, 4s and 4s, 8s and 8s. Sometimes there's a jump there, but not too often or too far. Maybe now he thinks you're an 11, and he's a 3?

edit: so maybe it's time for him to become an 11 -- or for you to find one...

Edited June 26, 2008 by Manatee

[newhope4me 0]

I have always been the insecure one and hubby has the patience of a saint in dealing with it. However, right before I got banded, during an arguement, he blurted out, "Just go ahead and have your surgery and then find someone better, it's what you're going to do anyway"

That really shocked me. We spoke about his fears, which, like mine, were due to his past. But I do think that like libra, i am showing him more attention because I feel more confident and that is helping us both. He knows that my personality won't change. I think I will always have a "fat personality." I feel he was concerned that I would get full of myself and feel i was better than him and deserved better. Never happen!

[plain 12]

Its also a bit weird to think that just because someone changes int eh way they look, they'd change morally and philosophically.

It is a bit weird...but head matters and heart matters rarely match. I was thinking a bit more broadly, in that being a spouse is a lifelong commitment to reassurance:

I still think you're sexy.

Your new hairdo looks great.

You're too good for that job.

There's not a prowler outside.

Everything will be ok.

I love you.

I constantly have made / continue to make these reassurances. Instead of thinking "I already told you once.....if I have to tell you again, that's your problem", I know that by reassuring, I have the ability and the chance to give my wife a little comfort.

Having said that, I realize that there is a gradient here. BBK has not posted anymore info, so I don't know if this is an insecure husband, or a case of full-blown psycho jealousy.

[MacMadame 81]

I think in the end, we're all responsible for our own feelings and what we do with them. You can be reassuring to someone because you love them, but at some point they have to own their feelings and take responsibility for anything stupid they do in the name of those feelings.

[Pix 4]

To a point it is our job to smooth there ego's and insecurities.... to a point....

Then it is up to the S.O. to realize that they are just being silly and there it nothing to worry about. It isn't an exact science to figure out where to draw the line, but constant accusations can cause more harm then good. Your hubby needs help hun, beyond what you can give him. Talk to him about maybe joint counseling sessions? It couldn't hurt to find a marriage counselor that deals with issues like this and help him overcome his fears of you leaving him. It could be that he is starting to feel that now that you are a 'brand new you' that you will want a brand new S.O. to go with the look, that maybe he feels you 'just settled' with him because you were big and didn't feel you could get someone else? Talk to him, try not to get angry and find out where the insecurities are coming from. If you two can't resolve the problem suggest you both go see a marriage counselor. It wouldn't hurt in the slightest.

[MrsFlipFlops 2]

Plain- so true, so true!

It IS our job. If my hubby started making loads of more cash and traveling around the world, I'd need some reassurance too. I know he wouldn't cheat, but I would want to be reminded from time to time that he loves me.

My hubby tells me (and has since we met) how beautiful I am, despite me thinking I'm not because of my weight. Is it his job to reassure me? Well, by this thread apparentely only to a point, or no... but I say yes! That's the support part of a relationship, even if annoying, people seem to miss.

[Pix 4]

FlipFlops I agree with you, to a point. You can only reassure someone so much before it becomes a mental issue beyond what a normal person can deal with. After a point it becomes a job for a trained professional not a spouse, especially if that spouse is doing all they can do to assure the S.O. that there is no need or concern for the insecurities.

Putting that kind of pressure on a person is not fair nor is it right, there has to be a line that goes beyond what a spouse or S.O. should have to deal with after that line it is up to the person to get help for their psychosis into insecurities.

[pearlygirl 1]

I think it is absolutely our responsibility to make sure that our SO feels loved, wanted and reassured. Afterall, did we not promise love and caring when we married. If my husband was feeling as if I was looking for someone else or something better, it would break my heart. I would have a serious no-blame conversation and let him know that your heart is his and that you are feeling sad about him questioning your love and desire for him.

Over the years, there have been times that I've felt insecure related to my weight, his job etc. I know that my husband loves me and I trust who he is, you just can't help but feel a little insecure once in awhile. However, if this is an ongoing problem despite your efforts to let him know that your world is about him, I would seek marriage counseling as this could be detrimental to your relationship.

[Gone4Now 4]

I agree with the postings above that say reassure - to a point.

I recently had this conversation (in reverse) with my SO over pictures he took 2 years ago.

He reassured me, pointed out, lovingly, that I was being a dumbass, and I agreed.

I think if he'd said immediately, "Don't be stupid" and then brushed me off, the insecurity in me would have come out full blown.

Or, if after he'd said, "I love you, only you." blah, blah, I'd kept going with the accusations or annoying pushy behaviour, then it would have been be going way over the line.

I will always be insecure about relationships, I think. It's progressed as I've gotten older, but it's always there. There comes a point, when I have to step back and think: Is there something here, or am I just paranoid.

I think loving someone (especially one with baggage - and who doesn't have baggage?) means putting up with some little crap that you don't "get" but is important to the other person. (Me? I need to hear "I love you, really." everyday. Him? He needs me to watch old episodes of Star Trek, and have a love of William Shatner. I think he has it easy.)

So, again - to a point - reassurance - hell, even if it's daily - is a good thing. When the other party is STILL clingy, STILL needing that even after you've given a lot of reassurance, then there is a problem.