Insecurity rising

[Gone4Now 4]

I'm prefacing this by saying: I love my bf, I know he loves me...we're planning on getting married, and this little tiff/rant of mine isn't going to stop that.

BUT, THAT BASTARD!

I have his camera today to upload pictures we took of furniture for sale. I can do it faster/better and I have the time. On his camera, he has pictures of a vacation he took with his family to Hawaii. I was just looking at them and found a surprise. This was a few months after we started dating, and was well over a year ago. I didn't go, since it was planned well before I was in the picture. It's his mother, father and daughter. Well, there are pictures of two bikini clad women running around on the beach. Not one picture, not two pictures- FOUR!!!

I guess I figured he was above that...he's more intellectual - doesn't have porn (I have more of a porn collection than he does, simply because I have one.) I was impressed by that, I like that. I dated a guy who was heavily into porn and would watch it without me, and I'd get pissy...so this bf was a pleasant surprise.

Then I find these pictures and my mind is blown away. I know I'm over-reacting and time will lesson the "blow", but DAMN. I'm insecure about how I look anyway, and now finding this makes me feel really badly over it.

And, I know me...I know I'll war with myself between being pissed and letting it go. It may be better if we DON'T see each other tonight, but since that's not an option, I may just have to stay in the other room!

How do ya'll handle your men ogling (and taking PICTURES!!!???) of other women? Do you get offended, or pass it off?

[Chrisann 0]

Well the looking, you can't stop that. My mom always said they can look but can't touch.

I would bring it up to him, since he knows you have his camera. Maybe they were his sisters friends, or took them to show his buddies. The only way to not let it eat you is to bring it up.

[Gone4Now 4]

He already knows what those bikini babes look like. And he knows what you look like.

Who is he spending his time with?

Damn logical answer that makes me feel as itty bitty as the bikinis!

[Gone4Now 4]

Well the looking, you can't stop that. My mom always said they can look but can't touch.

I would bring it up to him, since he knows you have his camera. Maybe they were his sisters friends, or took them to show his buddies. The only way to not let it eat you is to bring it up.

I sent him an email with the pictures attached, asking WTF?

His answer was an honest one, with a side of "ooops" , so it's easy to forgive me. I'm not as insecure as I used to be, I guess. My initial reaction has lessoned a little bit and I'm not angry.

Maybe just jealous...? The only time anyone would take a picture of me at the beach is if they're doing a "Save the Whales" epsiode on the Discovery Channel.

[StartinOver 0]

It's hard. I work with this guy and he is so nice and sweet, until we found out what he is really doing. He dates a co-worker and on the side, he's hooking it up with another. We tired to tell her but she wouldn't listen. I feel bad for her too. I guess the point is, it is probably no big deal, BUT sometimes they just have you fooled.

[Gone4Now 4]

Oh, I hate that. At work, I've found out that people who are married were fooling around with other coworkers. I guess I'm naive about that stuff, because I get so disappointed in them. It really changes how I feel about people.

On the local radio station, they were having a discussion on whether or not celebrities personal lives effect how you view their movies, or them. I think it does, for me.

Like Bill Murray and all the stuff that's come out about him and his wife. I'm not sure I view him the same now.

Luckily for BF, admiring a couple of hot butts at the beach isn't along the same lines (for me, anyway)...close...but not quite that bad.

[StartinOver 0]

Yeah, your right. Looking at other people's better looking asses isn't anything. It is normal, I look all the time. It's okay to appreciate another persons beauty.

I just don't want you to look back and say "damn, people told me too!!!" Hind sight is 20/20 right?

[MicheleK 8]

My poor DH doesn't even look at anyone (at least where I can see him). When we met my weight was WAAAAAY lower (by more then 100lbs) and I think he took some "peeks" more then. Of course, he realizes my horrible insecurities at the moment so I think he's trying to take my feelings into consideration.

It's funny because even with my insecurities, I'm not a jealous person. If he wants to look that's okay with me. Hell, I look at hot men and women...it's human nature.

I'm sure it was harmless....in fact, it's pretty normal.

[Gone4Now 4]

I was thinking more and more about this...I have a lot of insecurities right now. I'm about to move in with him (this Sat) and I'm renting out my home - just stress, stress, stress....

I think this was just an outlet for me to release some of that. I'm scared that we won't work out - just because past relationships of 10 years, and the other long term for 6 years didn't work out. He's different (in 1.5 years, we've had maybe 2 fights, lasting about 10 minutes.) We're so good, and I keep "waiting for the other shoe to drop", if you know what I mean?

So, when I saw this, I think the negative parts of me went AHA! SEE??? But, the logical part of me said, "Shut the hell up, you're an idiot." (He even had my fav flowers for me last night, since he was sorry I was upset by the pictures.) Ugg..I felt really stupid, then.

And, ya'll helped me see that I was being silly - THANK YOU LBTers!!! You guys really are the best support I've had. From weight loss to other issues in my life that really are weight related.

I'm an emotional eater, and last night I turned to food. A veggie tray!! I had two broccoli stalks and was done. Pre lapband, or even preLBT, I'd have turned to much, much worse "support".

[MicheleK 8]

I know exactly how you feel. It's normal to feel stress, it sounds like you have a lot of life changes coming your way.

You're going to be just fine!!

(BTW, grats on picking something decent to "binge" on, lol)

Veggie Tray > Cake

:thumbup:

[StartinOver 0]

Gloucester, I wish you the best of luck. Remember though, women have intuition for a reason. You either KNOW you should move in with him. If you aren't telling yourself 100% this is right, then don't do it. I don't know if you have kids or anything but look at the big picture before you do anything you'll regret.

[Gone4Now 4]

Thanks so much! I've actually put a lot of thought into it, and we started talking about this a year ago, about 6 months after getting together.

I'm a little bit of a control freak and I've never moved in with anyone before (either they move in/out of MY house, or not at all...so this is new). He's been accomodating as much as possible (I have a lot of girly stuff, and he's been great about letting me put it where I want.) I partly feel like an outsider because it's not our home - even though he keeps saying that, it's not in my name and that control freak in me is screaming!

Also, the other stress (the only other stress, actually) is coming from our animals. He's got 2 cats that have never really been socialized and I have 2 big dogs that are overly curious. I love his cats, because they've gotten used to me (well, one has, the other is a little biotch). But, now they have to get used to the dogs...and the dogs like to eat the cat litter, so they're banned from the bathroom, which makes them whine.

We've joked about getting rid of all the animals, but I do have a daughter (age 11) and she'd have a fit. She loves having the dogs AND the cats, even though she's allergic and has started shots because of the move...argh. See? So much stress wrapped up into this.

BUT. It's what I really want. He's been the best boyfriend ever - which is why the pics shocked me at first. We're so inline with everything, and I'm positive this will work between us. We're talking about marriage, and that hasn't changed. I'm not so upset about the pictures - just myself for getting this fat. I also know without a doubt that he's attracted to me. He remembers the first day he saw me (I don't, and I feel guilty over that...) and knows what I was wearing. He said he fell right then. I have no doubt about us working it out.

Our pets, though? That's a different story!

[Nanook 2]

Gloucester,

I understand you feelings. But you have to do is look at a tabloid in line in the grocery store and see all the "beautiful thin stars" and how they're being cheated on left and right.

I remember when I was a youngin of 23 and was having a discussion with some co-workers, women much older and much more experienced and knowledgeable about men than I was, about how all men have the capability to cheat and probably did. And that even though my husband was a "saint" he probably looks at and desires other women as well as myself. I think they found me a naive newlywed girl who was still a bit too starstruck with her husband in their eyes and wanted to take me down a notch just for my own good! LOL:lol:.

This was many years ago but I defended him saying he'd never do that to me or he's not that type of guy etc... just as you've said. They did not have much faith in men themselves and both were divorced.

Anyway during my many, many years of marriage to this one great guy he's never cheated on me but I have learned more about the male's psyche and yes it is built into them to turn and look and even go on the internet as it's an easily available tool to look even more! A few pics on a camera are nothing compared to what you can find that they've been visiting on the internet, :tt1:

But to me it's a fantasy and fantasies can be kept private but sometimes we accidentally can come across one of their fantasies as technology has really evolved:biggrin:. It can be hurtful but if you look at it from the point of view that it is a normal and healthy thing because we all know men are visual people and that it takes nothing away from his love and desire from you then it's okay! It's just too bad they can't lock up those fantasies where we can find them!!! I know it can turn addictive to some but that's another topic!

Keep having faith in him, if you keep expecting the next bad thing to drop you're wasting a lot of good energy in your relationship. I'm kind of concerned about the dogs eating the kitty litter, are they lacking Fiber in their diet? Nanook:smile:

[Gone4Now 4]

Nanook - thank you sooo much. I love this post. I think, logically I understand all that about guys...and me, too. I look, I even sometimes say, "Yummy." But, I do feel it's a respect thing not to do that in front of your S.O./spouse. And, this was something he just forgot about, and I'm sure he just had himself a nice little "yummy" moment!

The dogs eating cat litter - yeah...nasty stuff. The last time we just had the dogs over to "introduce" them all, my boxer ate a big amount and got very sick. After that, a friend pointed me to a website (I think it's something like thescooponpoop.com...maybe?...) and it talks about animals eating other animals' poop and why. It's interesting, to say the least. :tt1:

They just eat everything, even tissues. They don't chew on stuff, like shoes or furniture - just eat anything that's laying around. They're better now than they used to be, but I don't think they can resist poop. :tt1: ick.

[Nanook 2]

Gloucester,

I totally agree it can be hurtful, I know from experience but somehow I've gotten past it myself! Who knows if I came across something similar today I'd probably put a laxative in his dinner! They do say as long as they're still interested and looking that it's a good thing but I'm sure you would have preferred those pics to be of sandpipers or whatever the beach bird is in Hawaii.

My dogs have never ate poop, they've smelled like poop! I know some dogs eat their own poop! Maybe that's more sanitary, who knows? I have a few birds and they tend to be a bit messy and my one dog, the "I don't care what I eat" dog, will graze at the stuff they've kicked onto the floor, kind of an efficient dust buster of sorts. But he does tend to eat things just to piss me off!

The last two days for some reason he has taken to chewing up a candle I have put on a pretty little ceramic dish. It smells of cucumber but he doesn't even like cucumbers. I know he's doing it to get my attention he's very manipulative. I have some stuffed bears on my side table in my room and he knows they are not his toys but every time I leave the house I'll find this one white bear on my bed or in his bed/room (he has my whole walk in closet with old comforters and pillows on the floor) and it's not chewed on just moved like he's saying "hey you left me now I can take your bear out!". Okay maybe I'm over analyzing him and giving him more credit than he deserves. I can't imagine mixing him with a cat though it just wouldn't work thank God they can jump high places that's all I can say! Take care and enjoy your new life with your BF! I remember new love, well sort of it was many, many years ago! Nanook:smile: