ACoA's and Eating Issues

[tommaney 0]

Hello to my fellow Adult Children of Alcoholics....

First I just want to say that it's really difficult to speak or write about how my parents' alcohol dependency is impacting my life. I've started to write this thread so many times and quit because the denial and defeatism is such a strong part of me. So strong, in fact, that it took me 10 minutes sitting here just to type "my parents' alcohol dependency"!

I wanted to start a discussion on how our eating habits were (and still are) influenced by the drug/alcohol dependent in our lives. For me, food was the singular comfort in a life where I only saw my parents sober for a precious couple of hours a day--after they got home from work.

For the past year I've had to live with them again. My dad was in recovery after almost dying in detox a couple of years ago but he has recently starting drinking again (I started finding the hidden vodka and wine stowed away in closets and the garage). My mom has never stopped. It's so difficult to watch them wasting away.

Anyhow, my lapband journey has been slow, and I've been mentally avoiding how living in this house has made the journey harder. God willing, I will be able to move out in the next month or so.

You know what the worst thought is? They love me more than anything. They paid for this surgery and supported me. But all the money and love in the world won't make them sober.

Sorry I don't have a clear question for the thread. I just wanted to send this out unto the internet void and listen for others.

[brandyII 9]

Hi,

I also am an adult child of an alcoholic parent (father) mother died when I was 14 years old, but I am blessed now that he has passed away and has been two years last February.

I only say blessed because I allowed myself to be emotionally tortured by his alcoholism even when he was an airplane ride away in order to see him but of course the phone was always there and he always called me or I him.

I won't delve too deeply into it as I don't have to deal with "him" anymore just the the pain from the past that still lingers and I being the closest one to his "makeup" have taken on food as an emotional soother instead of alcohol.

He was 80 and did die of a heart attack and had taken a cab from his Assisted Living Facility where I had place him a few months before to buy a gallon of scotch and they found him the next day still grasping that glass of scotch in his hand as it had froze around it over the night hours. It's a wonderful picture but I'm fortunate not to have seen in person.

I wish all of you luck who still deal with living alcoholic parents as I'm sure there are many of you. It's not easy but for some reason once they die it is a bit easier and I'm not a cold person, I'm just honest a lot of pain went away when he died. brandyII:smile:

One more thing, I put off having RNY surgery three years ago to take care of him because he was falling down and cracking his head open on a constant basis in his apartment and going to the ER and not cleaning up his apartment and the smell still lingers but I had the surgery (changed it to lap band) after he died and maybe I should have waited, I don't know but while I was taking care of him I lost weight but after his death put it back on so just an after thought......................

Edited June 11, 2008 by brandyII

[tommaney 0]

Thanks so much for responding BrandyII. I totally understand--even though I can't feel it myself yet-- about the peaceful feeling once they are gone. I don't mean to sound morbid either--but it is just so difficult to watch (or even just know from afar) that they are steadily declining.

[brandyII 9]

Tommaney,

Good thread cuts to the core, my father started detox facilities in 1986 after his father died and I can't count how many programs we put him in between then and 2006 when he died. Good luck to you I know how hard it is and can't imagine how it must be to have both parents alcoholics and be living with them, if you can survive this you can survive anything!! brandyII.

[brandyII 9]

Thanks so much for responding BrandyII. I totally understand--even though I can't feel it myself yet-- about the peaceful feeling once they are gone. I don't mean to sound morbid either--but it is just so difficult to watch (or even just know from afar) that they are steadily declining.

Well I was about your age when my dad first had to go to detox, actually he still worked then and they made him. There are five kids in my family and most were extremely angry at him. We did an intervention once and that was the craziest thing ever, no professional, just 5 very angry children and one alcoholic confused and laughing parent. I hope you don't have to deal with them on your own even though I know how family dynamics can be and you could have 10 brothers and sisters and still being the only one dealing with them. So good luck and if you ever need to get it out and share I'm always here, take care brandyII.

[KatW 0]

I am also an adult child. For me, working through the issues of growing up in my family origin has been an ongoing process. I have a great deal of recovery from the pain of my childhood- and the ongoing issues of being an adult child with the same parents as I have always had. The answers I have found have come from attending Alanon and ACOA meetings and adressing what is within the realm of my responsibility. I can change noone but myself. I spent many years blaming myself and others for what was difficult in my life- it got me nowhere. I have found some peace and serenity by letting go of some of my questions and the anger and guilt by learning to care for myself, forgive those in my life who could not give me what I needed from them, and by making a 4th step. 5th, 6th and 7th and then doing it all over again.

I would love to talk to anyone who is intereted in this topic.

PS i don't mean to imply that forgiveness means I forget, rather it means I try to let go of the emotions that are not serving me today. I never do it perfectly, but I can always try again.

KatW

[brandyII 9]

I guess I never liked OA or alanon or any of those groups, I found them to be more depressing. I guess it doesn't work for everyone. Some people are just the type of people who can get sucked in to the abyss and others can brush it off like it's not even happening. I'm a sucked in type person so now that my father has passed I'm doing a lot better, not perfect but it helps!!

[KatW 0]

I can't speak for everyone, whether a 12 step program works for everyone. i know for myself that when I feel swept into the abyss, working a program has helped me recover my equilibrium, if not allowed me to brush it off. I know that I have found understanding by talking and sharing with other people such as yourself who have had similar experiences to my own. As an ACOA, it is hard to find understanding from a person who has not experienced the craziness of a household in the grips of an addiction, but very easy to find understanding from someone who has also lived it! I have not always enjoyed it, but I have found over the years some space for myself outside the chaos that was childhood- and sometimes, still now- and I am grateful for it!

I didn't at first like the meetings- after my first one I didn't return for 6 years. WHen I went back, I thought I had nothing in common with so many of the people there. Over time, I realized that in my case, I was wrong. i have never left again in 6 years.

Kat W

[brandyII 9]

I can't speak for everyone, whether a 12 step program works for everyone. i know for myself that when I feel swept into the abyss, working a program has helped me recover my equilibrium, if not allowed me to brush it off. I know that I have found understanding by talking and sharing with other people such as yourself who have had similar experiences to my own. As an ACOA, it is hard to find understanding from a person who has not experienced the craziness of a household in the grips of an addiction, but very easy to find understanding from someone who has also lived it! I have not always enjoyed it, but I have found over the years some space for myself outside the chaos that was childhood- and sometimes, still now- and I am grateful for it!

I didn't at first like the meetings- after my first one I didn't return for 6 years. WHen I went back, I thought I had nothing in common with so many of the people there. Over time, I realized that in my case, I was wrong. i have never left again in 6 years.

Kat W

I think it's good if it gives you the strength to deal with an alcoholic parent(s) without letting them control your life or bringing you down with them as they normally do.

I don't know if those meeting would have helped me while my father was alive maybe I just went to the odd few and still suffered from depression and anxiety myself. Now I go to therapy and it helps along with medication. I guess I needed support but didn't know what kind to get when I was younger or maybe couldn't put it into action as my father was such a powerful force in my life. Now I don't have to worry about him anymore and hope that I don't have to deal with any of my children or siblings in that way in the future.:smile2: brandyII.

I would never knock a group like that as I know it helps a lot of people, I guess with me it just wasn't what I needed. I'm better in a one to one setting like therapy.

[brandyII 9]

I can't speak for everyone, whether a 12 step program works for everyone. i know for myself that when I feel swept into the abyss, working a program has helped me recover my equilibrium, if not allowed me to brush it off. I know that I have found understanding by talking and sharing with other people such as yourself who have had similar experiences to my own. As an ACOA, it is hard to find understanding from a person who has not experienced the craziness of a household in the grips of an addiction, but very easy to find understanding from someone who has also lived it! I have not always enjoyed it, but I have found over the years some space for myself outside the chaos that was childhood- and sometimes, still now- and I am grateful for it!

I didn't at first like the meetings- after my first one I didn't return for 6 years. WHen I went back, I thought I had nothing in common with so many of the people there. Over time, I realized that in my case, I was wrong. i have never left again in 6 years.

Kat W

Do people go if they are an ACOA and their parent(s) are now deceased?

[KatW 0]

I love me a good antidepressant and prescribing therapist. Have that too! Glad that you have found the answers that work in your life. All that matters is finding what works and working it.

KatW

[KatW 0]

Do people go if they are an ACOA and their parent(s) are now deceased?

AbsoBLEEPINLutey! Your history is your history. All the people in my life who are no longer here still play big in how I relate others. For me ACOA and Alanon have helped me to recognize my own behaviors that stem from a disfunctional past and begin to understand them and hopefully- with help from my sponsor and Higher Power- change them. I have a 2 YO and I am terrified about what I might unwittingly teach him, simply because I react as the child of a drug addict and alcohoic, instead of as my best self. In my home group, our oldest member is 83- he is kind of like the grand vizier in the room- Lots of wisdom and humor.

KatW

[KatW 0]

By the way. I love my therapist. I also have learned to love listening to the stories of other who have been there before me- wisdom sometimes comes from the unlikeliest places and I realize that I have a lot to learn. I can take lessons from all corners.

KatW

[brandyII 9]

I don't know when ACOA started? I don't know if it was around but I know ALANON, and I remember my little sister went to that. I went to OA to see if it would help me from gaining weight. I was 125 pounds at the time, lol. But I just remember going to the meetings and driving home in tears don't know why but this was before I discovered therapy and antidepressants so who knows.

I too have suffered with having children and not know how my past would affect my parenting style or what "bad" things I'd pass along to my children or my husband pass onto them as well. He has has alcoholic brother but not parent, his dad died when he was 6 so who knows. Anyway my youngest is the issue when it comes to taking on those traits as far as I know more so than my eldest but I'm sure it's all going to be another bumpy ride into my future. But I'm not an alcoholic, brownieholic is more like it. But all the other garbage that goes along with being an ACOA. Anyway it's good to talk to you and you seem to know a lot about this. I guess I never really attributed alcohol to all my problems but I guess it probably had a lot to do with it. Thanks brandyII.

[KatW 0]

I don't know much but what has worked for me! That's why I keep going back to meetings- to hear from others.

As to the history, I don't know the whole story. I know Alanon was started by the wives of the original group started by Bill W and that ACOA started after that. I find ACOA and Alanon meetings radically different from one another and OA is another beast entirely. My shorthand version would be to say that Alanon (at least my home group) feels like a gentle, warm bath of acceptance (Overtones of co-dependency) and ACOA more like a bracing shower (more wicked, funny, and sharp). I get something from both. I don't always want to be there. A cliche saying is-

How do you know when to go to a meeting?

1. Whne you want to go.

2. When you don't.

I have just made it a habit like brushing my teeth. Sometimes I am bored, sometimes someone says something that stays with me for years. I just go.

KatW