COMPLETELY off topic, but I need some advice....

[thechatrooper 0]

I'm sorry to post this here, I know it is completely unrelated, but I really need some advice. I'm not quite sure if I want to bring this up to my friends, but I really need some advice.

In every normal long-term relationship, I'm sure the topic of the couple's "future" comes up at least once or twice.

I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, and we've never, ever discussed getting married, moving in together, etc. which kind of strikes me as odd. I feel nervous bringing these things up, because I don't want him to feel funny.

My boyfriend will soon be turning 23. He still lives with his parents, but the home he lives in was paid for in part by him and his older brother. The mortgage payment is split three ways (between my boyfriend Sergio, his parents, and his brother). Today he was telling me about some major repairs that needed to be made on his house. The man who looked at the house said it would be cheaper for them to tear their home down and build a new one rather than pay for all of the repairs.

Sergio commented that they were thinking of building TWO ranch style homes on that property, both with full basements. He said that his parents would live in the top of one, his older brother & his family would live in the top of the other, and then Sergio and his younger brother would each live in their own basement, and he commented that each basement would have enough room for their families, when they had them. He also commented that he would need to make sure his brothers would be living there VERY long term before they decided to build the homes.

This made me kind of wonder-- just HOW LONG is Sergio planning on living with his parents?

Later in the night, I brought up the topic of moving out with him and getting married, and I commented that I didnt think it would be happening any time soon. He asked why I said that, and I said I felt that think he wouldn't be leaving his family anytime soon.

Sergio said "Well, whenever we get married, you're going to come live here with us"

WTF!?!?

I had no clue how to respond to that... so I kind of let out a gasp/laugh/!?!?

He got really upset and he said, "What, you think that's a joke?"

He was serious!

I explained in the nicest way possible that my ideal marriage wouldn't consist of living with my husband's mother, father, three brothers, and their families. I told him that normally, when people get married, they look forward to starting their OWN family.

He got really insulted, and told me that maybe I should go live my life the way I want with someone else. He also said "Well I guess you have no interest in getting to know my family so you must not be the right person for me"

So obviously it has come out into the open that we have very different ideas on how marriages/relationships/life works.

I am not going to school and spending $66,000 out of my own pocket to get a Bachelors degree just so I can be a housewife and live with my husbands entire family.

This makes me wonder... is it worth it to stay with someone, now that I know that we may not have much of a future together?

I am not willing to compromise on this, and obviously neither is he.

Trouble is, I love him.

Do I stay with him knowing we have very different ideas on how we are going to spend our future? Or do I break up with someone that I love, care about, get along well with?

This just baffles me, I think it's great that he's really close to his family... but it almost makes me wonder why he's so against being out on his own, especially since he's already financially independent (he makes good money for his age and is paying 1/3 of all the bills in his home).

How do I respond to this?

[princess_n_thep 2]

This may just be one of the hardest decisions you will have to make in your life.

Here is just my feeling on it with what you have told me....I am guessing you are about 21 or 22... which means you have been with him since you were 19 or 20. I don't mean to diminish it in any way because of age (coming from me who was married at 17 for the next 8 years). I totally understand matters of the heart and how much it will hurt. But you WILL get through it. You WILL survive. YOU WILL BE BETTER FOR IT!! It will feel like hell at the time but you will flourish eventually. There is so much more for you to experience in life.

I understand that you are in love with him but it is obvious that you and him are not the soulmates you once thought you were. Time is ohhh so precious and you should spend it with someone who completes you in every way possible.

Just a thought though...Is there a cultural reason behind him wanting to have the entire family together?

I agree, you are an independent woman that will be intelligent and educated. You are a woman that is empowered with choice and with reason. It sounds to me, through your posting, that you have the answers already. you have already said what you need to do. It is completely validated and you are correct.

My only suggestion is that you do not do it now only because you are just a month away from finishing this year and finals are coming up. I suggest waiting until school lets out then end it quickly and swiftly. Then, maybe take a small summer getaway to visit friends or just to recoop from this past year.

You have a brand new future ahead of you. Don't push it away, embrace it.

This, of course, is just my 2cents. Re read your post. You already know the answer to the questions and validations you seek.

good luck hun.... and remember... what happens to you today shapes and molds you for the future, without the pain of yesterday you can't relish in the promises of the future.

[vinesqueen 2]

Gee, what a tough decision. I agree with Jenna, I think there must be a cultural reason. If you were to marry this man, you would be also marring his family. This is true for all marrages, but in this case it was be very close, perhaps too close for your comfort.

Some people never move away. Ever. One of my sisters-in-laws still lives with my in-laws, she has never, EVER moved out. I believe her level of matureity reflects this. She will be 41 this summe. One of my cousins still lives at home with his Mommy. He's 42.

I was engaged to a perfectly lovely man from Turkey when I was your age. Unfortuantely, well, he was Turkish. Very traditional, and well, I'm anything but. This was also a huge bone of contention between my ex-husband and me. He wanted me to be a little stay-at-home-wifey, and well, a two year old cannot provide me with the intelectual stimulation I require. (He couldn't either, but that is another matter.)

(For all our stay-at-home-moms, I respect your decision-- it just wan't the right decision for me)

[Alexandra 55]

Take this seriously, trooper, your gut is telling you an important truth. I married someone who was VERY close to his family, which I thought was a good thing since my family wasn't as tightly knit. Then I had pretty much the same experience as Vinesqueen and the marriage broke up. It was only after six years of living together and another year of marriage that it became clear that our goals for our OWN lives were not compatible. I mean, we both wanted a family and a home, but he had one idea of what that meant and I had another.

You are so young and while this relationship may be just what you need now, your different visions of the future are quite in conflict. Be thankful this is finding some air now rather than after you've walked down the aisle.

[BigT 0]

Take it from a guy who is just having his 12 year marriage ending- if your life goals and job responsibilities in the home are not agreeable-there will always be disagreement and contention. I changed my life goals to be with my soon to be ex when I was 21 and got married. I did it to make my ex happy and show her how much I loved her. The problem was it was never appreciated- and it was a big sacrifice for me to just have it go unnoticed and un-regarded. Then when our family started -my goals changed again- I became a father that let his wife stay at home (she had done so since married) and take care of the kids-this really put the final nail in my goals coffin. But then all of a sudden as she got older she wanted out of being a stay at home mom and nothing I could do was good enough. So peoples goals change it time as well.

As people age, there goals change, as does there outlook on life. It seems that your boyfriend was raised in a patriarchal/extended family type setting and wishes to continue in that tradition. I have friends in that type of families and it is very ingrained and almost impossible to change by someone else. It is very hard to change even if they themselves want to change as many of the familial bonds are super strong and have much influence over them.

So if your family setting is not going to agree with his then it is a very difficult road to hoe. Everything is possible but some things are better to start off with the chips not stacked against you, like a lifelong commitment to marriage.

T- a guys perspective

[HarleyNana 10]

I'm with Jack, I'd be telling Sergio, "I'm outta here".

[dylansmom 27]

I totally agree with everything that Jenna said. There's a lot of wisdom in her words.

I just watched Oprah 2 days ago and there was a relationship expert on there. He has written books and everything about it. He said to look at what you REALLY want from the relationship and then to find out what your boyfriend wants from it. He said that if they don't match and if neither are willing to meet in the middle on it, then you need to end it. He said to do it ASAP.

I really hope that you can get through this ok, and that your heart will heal soon. Best of luck to you. These things are never easy.

[hagerteresa 3]

I'm not sure what kind of advice I can give you, but there are many cultures where the family all lives together, takes care of each other, etc. My cousin had a similar experience. Her longtime boyfriend owned a part of his parents home and they all lived together. For several years things remained this way and my cousin had doubts about wanting to live with his family. She finally was able to persuade him to move into an apartment with her but it took many years before that happened. I respect cultures that live together and take care of each other but if that isn't anything you can do than I would move on. I would find it kind of creepy too. At one point a couple of years ago my husband and I had to move over and take care of my terminally ill mother in law after my father in law had an ascending aortic anyuerism and 5 strokes. He was in the hospital for 3 months and very lucky to live. In an emergency we didn't mind doing that but once he was well he didn't want us living with them any longer than neccessary. I certainly wish you the best and hope things get resolved. Teresa

[thechatrooper 0]

This whole thing is still baffling the hell out of me... LOL. Maybe the painkillers from my surgery are fogging my ability to reason things out, but I'm extremely confused by him now.

I think I'm going to stick this out until I'm fully recovered from surgery (I don't think I should put myself through any emotional trauma right after surgery) and see how I feel.

The more I think about this situation though, I just want to laugh... I'm picturing myself living in this little commune of people, being his weird white girlfriend trapped, sitting silently in the basement, not being able to communicate with anyone because I can't even speak the same language as them.

Maybe it's best for me to be single anyhow. I've just begun a new phase of my life (I just turned 22 and just got banded, within a few days of each other!) and to be honest, I've never, EVER been single.

My first relationship started when I was 14 and lasted until I was 20. This one began a few months after.

I should take some time away from the serious relationships and have some fun, be young while I can, and do the things I've always wanted to do.

I guess it goes back to my body image. I've always felt that as long as I had someone who was good to me and loved me as I was, I should stick with them, even if I wasn't completely happy.

Now that I'm working on that issue, I should also work on finding my true soul mate.

[northerner 0]

i think it's important that you sort the situation out, using your vision of what you see in your future . . . and learning more about what he sees in his. for some, living near or with the extended family makes logical sense; for others, it doesn't. i think all is well, so long as everyone concerned has a shared vision. if you don't, or can't imagine it as your future, you're probably right that it shouldn't be.

[Margo 0]

You're starting a new lifestyle with all kinds of great possibilities...I would include a NEW boyfriend in that list of great possibilities.....Say good-bye now before you have to do it after spending years married...good luck

Margo

[vinesqueen 2]

Oh, there is also the language thing.. I think it sounds like you already know what is best! I think it is a wonderful idea to take a break for a while. After my first marriage broke up I took some time off to figure out who I was as just "Crystal." Not "Crystal and boyfriend." It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. It gave me time to figure out what I wanted, as opposed to what the collected relationship wanted. Or needed for that matter.

You are entering a new phase of your life, and it may be worth the investigation. After all, if it really is the real thing with Sergio, he will wait. If he doesn't, well, you didn't want him anyway.

[Alexandra 55]

Trooper, you sound like an extremely smart person who really knows what's what. Your plan to take some single time is an EXCELLENT one, especially since you'll be dealing with post-band life and all that entails.

I have a very close friend who also was never single, from age 13 until her marriage broke up when she was 38 and had two kids. She had a much harder time handling that trauma than she would have had she learned how to live as her own person at any time during her life to that point. You will be doing yourself an immense benefit by really discovering what YOU like, what YOU want to do with your time, and how to comfort and entertain yourself when necessary.

Being alone can be scary, but once you know you can do it you'll never be scared of it again. And if you do it on your own terms you are WAY ahead of the game.

[babsyintx 0]

Trooper,

Sounds to me like you have already made up your mind. Personally, I dont think it is normal for 3 families to live together under one roof unless its a 150 acre ranch and all of you have your own house and share in some commonality like running a business or something. I realize that there are cultural differences where some families do live together for economical reasons (India for example) but this is the USA and this is not common practice here. Now if my mother needed to live with me or a sibling, my house would always be open to all of them. But NOT on a permanent basis if the relatives in question were healthy and able to live on their own without daily care. IT sounds like its time to move on, but wait until you are feeling better!

Babs in TX

[vinesqueen 2]

Being alone can be scary, but once you know you can do it you'll never be scared of it again. And if you do it on your own terms you are WAY ahead of the game.

Well, spiders may continue to be a problem...