I shouldn't have told people.....

[katie78 0]

So most people in my fam. are fine, but I NEVER should have told people at work. I work at a sslon, and so I work with some younger very fasionable women, it actually keeps me feeling good and wanting to eat right around them.....but if one more skinny little b**** asks me, "SO, how much have you lost this week? You look great!"

OK Yea, thats nice, but who asks that?!!!!!!!!!!!! AND one girls came in at the end of me eating a subway turkey sand. and didn't see that 3/4 of the bread I had just rooled up to throw away, asks me, "did you just eat all that????? UH...........no, jesus christ I was so peeved! I never should have told anyone there, they all watch me in the breakroom, and if there are treats, which normally there are, b/c it's always someones bday, I walk in and some will say, oh katie the cake was terrible and they'll move it away from where I'm sitting! I just now hate that they know! How can I fix this???

[cruisemissile 0]

as much as I wanted to share the change in my life, because there is weight/appearance discrimination in this world, I have not told anyone at work.

luckily they had seen me start to lose weight and drink Protein Shakes pre-op, so they were used to my new habits.

i did'nt want to tell anyone at work because i didn't want them to take credit away from the hard work i've done.

they assume fat people are lazy, so they become fat, now they look for an easy/lazy way to get rid of the weight.

if the comments are bad enough, you can go to HR and it can be considered a "hostile environment" (people leering, making comments that make you uncomfortable, etc..)

[mannamay 0]

Hi, I know and understand what you are saying. Everyone watches you like a hawk. I think they are just waiting to see if and when you will screw up because surgery fixes everything automatically, right? Nope, and that is what they think. That, once you have surgery, you are fixed and will loose weight every 5 seconds. I face that everyday. Even if I have a lot on my plate, people are like, are you really going to eat all that? I have to remind them, that even though I had the surgery, it is still a mind game that I have to play everyday.

I think what you should tell them is this---Listen, I have a tool not a magic lamp, I appreciate that ya'll are interested in what I am doing on a daily basis, but please give me sometime. Then tell them, I don't appreciate you watching me like a hawk on everything I put in my mouth and question it. Until you know what I am going thru, if I am having a bad day, then I will talk about it, until then, please leave it alone.

After you tell them that, if they are your friends, they will understand, and leave you alone about it, if not, this could possibly keep going on. I hope this helps. Keep up the good work, you are worth it.

[auntlucy 22]

It's up to you to set the boundaries that you need to be successful. You might need to have some one-on-one conversations with them. It sounds like they are try to help. So in each conversation, I would say, "I know you are trying to help me and I really appreciate that! I can definitely feel the support. Do you mind if I share with you some ways that you could help me be successful?" Then, assuming they say they will be glad to help you any way they can, tell them what you need. Describe for them what it looks like. Be honest about your feelings. You justifiably have some frustration over it, so try to get that frustration out prior to these conversations. If you have one or two people at work who are really good friends that you can talk to, you might want to talk it out with them first and role play it.

I told only the people at work that I felt like needed to know (primarily b/c we are close and b/c we have a lot of lunch meetings--I thought it would be obvious). When it became noticeable that I was losing weight, a few of them kept saying, "how many pounds so far?" I finally let them know that I appreciated their concern, but that it was a very private matter to me and I'd prefer to not talk about the pounds...plus, I didn't want that to become my main focus. Instead, I talk openly to them about my non-scale victories (example: fitting into that old pair of jeans).

I know it's hard. I'm rooting for you as you work to set the boundaries that you need to be successful. You can do it!

[luv2ride 0]

I told three people at work because I would be gone and I felt they needed to know why. Unfortunatly one of them thought it was such a wonderful idea that I was getting it done she proceeded to tell almost everyone she came in contact with so when I got back and was on weight and bending restriction everyone knew. When someone asked me about it if they seemed genuinely concerned or caring I didn't hesitate to tell them what I had done and the reason I did it. Most of them had never heard of it and wondered how it worked. I work in a public school so there is food around all the time but I don't feel I am getting policed because I have explained it to them. It doesn't stop you from eating but now instead of eating two cinnamon rolls I cut off 1/4 leave the area and I choose the time to eat it. The cook has been very helpful by letting me know there is extra turkey or Protein if I need it. When someone comes in and offers a cupcake or cookie they go ahead and offer it to me and I have the choice to say no thank you but thanks for asking or maybe just a half of one. I feel that because I have explained what is going on with me they have taken great care to make me NOT feel different. Of course you will always have that certain few who do not have a clue that they are sticking their foot in their mouths but you will have that wherever you go. Maybe you need to run off some information for them so they can be more informed. I find people are not intentionally rude they just don't know they come off that way. Most of them have never had a weight problem to begin with and have no idea that what they say hurts. Good Luck and keep you chin up. You have a lot of support here.

[bas 0]

I've been undecided who to tell at work AFTER I get banded on 6/25. This message thread has certainly helped me with that decision. I've told 2 people at work that are close .... and now I know for sure that it will stay that way!

THANK YOU everyone!

Katie - I also think you should just have a one-on-one with those that you feel are offensive to you. Do it nicely though, because I'm sure they don't know that what they're saying it hurtful.

Brenda

[MacMadame 81]

I never should have told anyone there, they all watch me in the breakroom, and if there are treats, which normally there are, b/c it's always someones bday, I walk in and some will say, oh katie the cake was terrible and they'll move it away from where I'm sitting! I just now hate that they know! How can I fix this???

This is why I'm not telling anyone at work. I was on Nutri/system back in the 80s. I was trying to lose weight for my wedding. I told everyone -- they could see me eating the N/s food and see the weight coming off and people were very supportive. But they also started to DRIVE ME CRAZY. They'd say "are you sure you should be eating that" and ask me how much weight I'd lost all the time and say things like "you're going to look so great in a bikini" which would bug because I knew it wasn't true and was an unrealistic goal.

It's not that they were mean. They definitely thought they were being supportive. But their support drove me up the walls at times.

At other times, the support was nice though. So it's a double-edged sword.

I think the ones who ask how much you've lost can be made to shut up if you never tell them. Say something like, I don't weigh myself that much any more or I'm not concentrating on the pounds but on my health/what size clothes I wear/getting small enough to [insert NSV here]. Another good answer is "a lot!". If you don't give a specific answer, they get tired of answering.

For the food police, it's going to be harder. Some people won't stop that crap even if you ask them. But some will if you ask them. Just tell them that you are an adult and that having a lap band doesn't mean being on a diet for the rest of your life, but making healthy choices overall. Also tell them that you are following your doctor's recommendations as to what you can and can't eat. If you have to, lie about it! "My doctor says I should eat cake once in a while so I don't binge."

The other thing that will help is time. Someone else will do something to feed the gossip mill or you will get to goal and they'll get used to you at your new size and won't remember to police you.

[mstrina27 0]

Wow... I posted a thread about this a month or so ago... no matter how u put it people are still going to talk, and watch u... In my mind if i were to tell the loosers where i work not to offer me doughnuts they are going to do it anyway... people bought doughnuts 2x's last week and i looked, sniffed and walkd away...lol... let them do what they do it's just going to make u stronger.. don't put any more focus on yourself act as if it dosen't bother u one bit.. NEVER LET THEM SEE U SWEAT.....

Edited June 8, 2008 by mstrina27

[Healthy Grandma 0]

I told the group of women I work with that I was getting banded and that my doctor wanted me to lose 30 pounds before surgery. I told them that I was counting calories to lose weight. After I lost the 30, I kept on losing before the surgery. A couple of weeks before surgery, I went to another co-worker's retirement party. I took about 1/2 of a small square of cake and didn't intend to eat the frosting. One of the women I had told walked up to me while I was talking to someone else and loudly and rudely asked, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?" I put my hand up and said "Don't do that. I don't need the food police." She shut up and just looked at me. Later I reminded her that I had the calories figured in my daily total and all was well. I would never walk up to someone and be that rude, even if they were eating something I thought they shouldn't.

I also don't like to answer the "How much have you lost?" questions. I've been saying, "I think I'll tell people when I'm all done" (whenever that is will be my own business). One woman here has had bypass and weighs herself every Tuesday and tells everyone how much she's lost. I don't feel comfortable doing that.

Healthy Grandma

[ssflbelle 829]

Yes I am also wrestling with this question and I really don't think I will be telling anyone at work about this surgery. I have a lot of other physical problems (they all know about) that need to be corrected through surgery so when the time comes for surgery I'll just let them think the surgery time off is for one of my other physical problems.

[OH Juli 15]

You've been given some great suggestions. Talking with the people about how their behavior, though well intentioned feels overbearing is a good place to start.

That being said some folks won't hear you, so you might want to thicken your skin and know stuff will still get said that you don't want to hear, so you come up with a way to deal with it on your own.

I have one coworker who didn't say boo to me before the weight loss and now only talks to me to tell me how good I look, to ask how much I've lost, or other things only related to my weight loss. I say thanks and move away from her as quickly as I can. And it's not that I don't like talking about me, but I hate that she's that narrowly focused, or shallow or whatever.

As for telling my pounds lost, I don't generally tell. I give people the, "No you didn't just ask a fat woman how much weight she lost" look. Followed by, "You don't think I tell that kind of information, do you?"

Some folks assume I'm going to announce it at the end, and some heavy people, who have interest for their health, not in me as a side-show get the ball park figure...

My point is you get to set your boundaries and you are allowed to go back after the fact and say, reset them. You can say, I didn't think my weight loss would be such an attention getter or some such thing and say let's have a no fat talk zone here at work for a bit...

Good luck.

[Mary-2b150 0]

Every time I am even slightly tempted to tell people, I see threads like this and am thankful that it isn't public knowledge yet! Thank you for your sharing your story so I remember to keep this to myself. I've read somewhere on this board that "you can't UNTELL once you've told" and I keep reminding myself of that. I am not the least bit ashamed of what I have done, but I do not want to constantly be dealing with people's ignorance and outright rudeness. Hopefully confronting the people that are bothering you will help. Goodluck!

[westcoastmom 3]

I am with Auntlucy on this one. The older I get, the more I realize that it is OK to respectfully let people know how I feel.

I also think it is important to give people a chance to improve their behavior. Sometimes if we let them know we have a problem or concern, they will listen and make a change. We just have to give them a chance. I know it doesn't always work, but I do think we have to be honest and give that a try. If we don't know there is a problem, we can't fix it.

When someone gives you unwanted "advice", you could joke that you are comfortable making your own choices, but are available to assess their daily nutrition if they would like. If the "advice" continues, I would just tell them that this is a personal issue that you are not interested in discussing.

[Allison 2]

I have only had my band since the end of may, and I have already yelled at most of my friends. When we went out for dinner, I ordered Soup, and every other word out of anyone at the table was, "be careful allison, don't eat too fast, pace yourself." I finally snapped! I was like, this is why I don't want a lot of people to know. I only told about 6 close friends. Then at a pool party a few days later, there were a lot of people who don't know, nor do I want them to know, but a couple of those same annoying friends were babying me, "I don't think you can swim, be careful on the trampoline! Want some mac and cheese? Oh yeah you can't eat..." The people who don't know were starting to get confused about all this, I just said I was on a strict diet and trying rally hard to loose weight, I couldn't come up with any more excuses but they moved on. I was never more mad in my life at the couple friends who were doing this. I know they are just trying to make sure I'm ok but I can take care of myself. Its been about a week and I won't talk to the one friend who was doing most of the "blabbing" still. I need him to realize that keeping this a secret is important to me and I'm not taking his big mouth lightly.

[Barbiek 0]

I haven't told anyone about my upcoming surgery except my husband of course and my sister and they are sworn to secrecy . I contemplated telling a co-worker who I eat lunch with often, but now that I have read all these posts, I am not going to say a word to anyone at work - not my co-workers, not my boss, not anyone! I have taken time off from work (vacation time) and will be having my surgery on July 2. I will continue to keep my mouth shut so I don't have to answer any of those kind of questions. I guess the people at work will just have to wonder - and if they ask how I did it, I will just say I eat less. Which will be true anyway! Good luck everyone!