Confession: Pre-Fill Binge

[Northwest_Nance 0]

I'm going to share something here which up until now, I never would have shared with, or admitted to, anyone. My binges were always my deep dark secret, except, of course, for the evidence they left behind -- my big fat butt (and other body parts, ha!). And now that I've been banded, I'm even more ashamed to admit what I did lastnight. But I feel that I made a huge decision to change my life for the better, and coming out and talking about what I did is part of that change, being honest, admitting my transgressions, sharing, and hoping I learned something from it. It might be kinda long and I apologize for that, but I'm doing this mostly for me.....

So anyway - my first fill is next week. I realize I might not feel any restriction after the first fill but then again, I might. I know someone who is enormously restricted after her first fill. I have very mild restriction from my empty band, but I only notice it if I really over-eat at a meal, and I've only done that a couple of times. By "over eating", I mean eating what used to be more or less a normal big meal for me. Except for those few meals, I've done VERY well since I began this whole process. I've lost 30 pounds since April 13th. Ten of that was on my own once I made up my mind I was ready for surgery, ten of it was on the pre-op diet and ten of it has been in the three weeks since I was banded. For the most part, I really haven't had any trouble sticking to healthy foods and small portions, although as the days pass since surgery, I am able to eat more and more, so pushing myself away from the table has been a little more challenging.

Anyway.... after all these weeks and weeks of "being good", I started thinking about how I could have one last little mini-binge before getting my first fill (scheduled for Thursday). After all, I never got my "last supper" before surgery. Don't I "deserve" a Friday night mini-binge?

Soooooo...... lastnight I made myself my favorite alcoholic beverage -- a White Russian. (and I do not make small drinks -- one home-made drink is probably the size of two in a bar). Then I made a second one. Then I started looking through the cabinets and refrigerator for what I could eat. Well, there wasn't much in the house that was binge-worthy because, after all, I've started this new life, right? I ended up having a couple of wheat crackers with a little bit of no-salt butter on them and little pieces of fat free cheese on them. Not too bad, right? Then I remembered I had bacon in the fridge. And low-fat Peanut Butter in the cabinet. And a loaf of low-carb bread I'd bought at the grocery store that day. I haven't had bread in a couple of months. Nor alcohol, for that matter. So, I microwaved some bacon and toasted that bread, and made myself a Peanut Butter and bacon sandwich. Yum!!!

Curled up on the couch with my White Russian and my sandwich. Took a couple bites of the sandwich.... hmmmm, this doesn't really taste as good as I expected. And what's that.... I'm feeling full. Really full. (I think the milk in the White Russians contributed to the full feeling). WHAT AM I DOING??? What if I hurt my band? I can't do this. I can't.

I got up and threw the sandwich away. I'd taken about 3 small bites of it.

I loaded up the dishwasher and started it. I didn't want to wake up this morning and see the remnants of my little binge in the sink.

Now, I'll tell you what. What I did lastnight never would have won the honor of being called a binge, pre-band. It would have been a snack.... just a warm up for the evening's binge to follow. But, it's the mindset that is at issue here. I still wanted that binge, and I gave it to myself, albeit a smaller one than I'm used to. And I guess on the positive side, I did recognize what I was doing, and I stopped in mid-bite. Hopefully, I learned something from it that will come to mind next time I get that urge. Because of course, I will get the urge. A habit and addiction I've given into for years, is not going to disappear by waving a magic wand, or a magic band.

I guess this feels sort of like going to Confession. I need to share this so that it doesn't become something I'm hiding. I've hidden my eating problems for far too long.

Oh and like a masochist I made myself get on the scale this morning. I knew I had to confront what my lttle binge had done. I was down half a pound. Maybe I escaped harm this time.... but these things can take a day or two to catch up with us we'll see what the scale says over the next couple of days.

Thank you all for listening.... errr.... reading. I've been getting to know you all through your posts in the last few weeks and it's a wonderful place to come for support, questions, sharing, and.... confession!

[princesstracey 1]

I agree!

I was an AWFUL binge eater pre-surgery. I use to do these things called, 'rambles' where i would hit 2-3 fast food places in one sitting, (Wendy's for fries and a Root Beer, Taco Bell for Chalupa's and KFC for Mac and Cheese) and then go home and sit in front of the tv. I was really scared when I got the band that I would feel restricted because I couldn't binge.

Im 5 months in and can honestly say that since my first fill I have only wanted to binge 1 time...im SO MUCH HAPPIER now! And, it doesnt hurt that the time I did binge I threw up so violently that it pretty much cured me. Ha! Thanks for your honestly in sharing-Tracey

[auntlucy 22]

Thank you for sharing your story Nance! You should actually feel proud of yourself. Not for the fact that you started a bing, but that you caught yourself and stopped it! I'm assuming that is probably something that didn't happen much in your past. You did good!

And by the way, my favorite sandwich has always been Peanut Butter and bacon on toast...it's so delicious! But, you don't find many people who have ever had one. Of course, I haven't had one in some time, and they may not even be as good to me now. My tastes have definitely changed!

[gkeyt 0]

You did fine. This band thing is a learning process, isn't it?

We've lived for years with our old habits and thought processes. They don't just go away overnight. You probably learned more from this "binge" than you did from weeks of being "good"--like, "Hey, this isn't as great as I thought it would be!" Good for you for just getting right back on the horse.

[MaidMarion 1]

Nance I am really impressed. It is really hard to think clearly and say no to anything after a couple of white russians!

[blackcherry2002 5]

you know...i see this as a diet really. I mean it's just a reinforced diet. The fact that you slipped up once means nothing. I'm sure everyone has done it. I think you just need to get back on track and be proud of how far you've come. Indulging once in awhile isn't bad, I mean now you can learn that you just have to take one slice of cake instead of the WHOLE cake...it's a learning experience. Don't beat yourself up over it. Good luck with your fill! btw I wouldn't have a major one last supper binge...i'd say make a plate of your favorite foods and eat just a lil of everything...so you don't feel deprived...

[Little Debbie 1]

Nance

OK. From the outside looking in, I have to say that I saw someone who is CHANGING THE WAY SHE DEALS WITH FOOD! You should be very proud! Having the urge, then indulging, stopping dead and destroying the evidence (always destroy the evidence), that was absolutely, totaly healthy! Please feel proud in your changes. You are doing great!

[sil 0]

hi nance not banded yet hang in there you confessed. we forgive you. sil

[BayCityBandster 1]

I think you should be proud of yourself! You stopped mid-binge with your favorite sandwich in-hand...I would call that a victory. So you had a couple of drinks, but you stopped the eating! Congrats!

[Northwest_Nance 0]

Thank you all for the encouraging words and support -- you helped me focus on the positive aspects of my experience and those are some good things to carry with me. :incazzato: