Who do you need to forgive?

[TerriDoodle 6]

An article by the mayo Clinic on the health benefits forgiveness of others provides:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131

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Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Your mother criticized your parenting skills. Your friend gossiped about you. Your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance.

But when you don't practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Here, Katherine M. Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., discusses forgiveness and how it can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

There's no one definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Doesn't forgiving someone mean you're forgetting or condoning what happened?

Absolutely not! Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being unforgiving and being forgiving. Evidence is mounting that holding on to grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, offers numerous benefits, including:

• Lower blood pressure
  
• Stress reduction
  
• Less hostility
  
• Better anger management skills
  
• Lower heart rate
  
• Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
  
• Fewer depression symptoms
  
• Fewer anxiety symptoms
  
• Reduction in chronic pain
  
• More friendships
  
• Healthier relationships
  
• Greater religious or spiritual well-being
  
• Improved psychological well-being
  

Why do we hold grudges and become resentful and unforgiving?

The people most likely to hurt us are those closest to us — our partners, friends, siblings and parents. When we're hurt by someone we love and trust — whether it's a lie, betrayal, rejection, abuse or insult — it can be extremely difficult to overcome. And even minor offenses can turn into huge conflicts.

When you experience hurt or harm from someone's actions or words, whether this is intended or not, you may begin experiencing negative feelings such as anger, confusion or sadness, especially when it's someone close to you. These feelings may start out small. But if you don't deal with them quickly, they can grow bigger and more powerful. They may even begin to crowd out positive feelings. Grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility take root when you dwell on hurtful events or situations, replaying them in your mind many times.

Soon, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. You may feel trapped and may not see a way out. It's very hard to let go of grudges at this point and instead you may remain resentful and unforgiving.

How do I know it's time to try to embrace forgiveness?

When we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many areas of our lives can suffer. When we're unforgiving, it's we who pay the price over and over. We may bring our anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can't enjoy the present. Other signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include:

• Dwelling on the events surrounding the offense
  
• Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you're wallowing in self-pity
  
• Being avoided by family and friends because they don't enjoy being around you
  
• Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights
  
• Often feeling misunderstood
  
• Drinking excessively, smoking or using drugs to try to cope with your pain
  
• Having symptoms of depression or anxiety
  
• Being consumed by a desire for revenge or punishment
  
• Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations
  
• Regretting the loss of a valued relationship
  
• Feeling like your life lacks meaning or purpose
  
• Feeling at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs
  

The bottom line is that you may often feel miserable in your current life.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. It can be difficult and it can take time. Everyone moves toward forgiveness a little differently. One step is to recognize the value of forgiveness and its importance in our lives at a given time. Another is to reflect on the facts of the situation, how we've reacted, and how this combination has affected our lives, our health and our well-being. Then, as we are ready, we can actively choose to forgive the one who has offended us. In this way, we move away from our role as a victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in our lives.

Forgiveness also means that we change old patterns of beliefs and actions that are driven by our bitterness. As we let go of grudges, we'll no longer define our lives by how we've been hurt, and we may even find compassion and understanding.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be very challenging. It may be particularly hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of their sorrow. Keep in mind that the key benefits of forgiveness are for you. If you find yourself stuck, it may be helpful to take some time to talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider or an unbiased family member or friend.

It may also be helpful to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who have forgiven you. As you recall how you felt, it may help you to understand the position of the person who hurt you. It can also be beneficial to pray, use guided meditation or journal. In any case, if the intention to forgive is present, forgiveness will come in its time.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

Not always. In some cases, reconciliation may be impossible because the offender has died. In other cases, reconciliation may not be appropriate, especially if you were attacked or assaulted. But even in those cases, forgiveness is still possible, even if reconciliation isn't.

On the other hand, if the hurtful event involved a family member or friend whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. This may not happen quickly, as you both may need time to re-establish trust. But in the end, your relationship may very well be one that is rich and fulfilling.

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?

These situations are difficult. If the hurt involves a family member, it may not always be possible to avoid him or her entirely. You may be invited to the same family holiday gatherings, for instance. If you've reached a state of forgiveness, you may be able to enjoy these gatherings without bringing up the old hurts. If you haven't reached forgiveness, these gatherings may be tense and stressful for everyone, particularly if other family members have chosen sides in the conflict.

So how do you handle this? First, remember that you do have a choice whether to attend or not attend family get-togethers. Respect yourself and do what seems best. If you choose to go, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and perhaps even more intense feelings. It's important to keep an eye on those feelings. You don't want them to lead you to be unjust or unkind in return for what was done to you.

Also, avoid drinking too much alcohol as a way to try to numb your feelings or feel better — it'll likely backfire. And keep an open heart and mind. People do change, and perhaps the offender will want to apologize or make amends. You also may find that the gathering helps you to move forward with forgiveness.

How do I know when I've truly forgiven someone?

Forgiveness may result in sincerely spoken words such as "I forgive you" or tender actions that fit the relationship. But more than this, forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. The offense is no longer front and center in your thoughts or feelings. Your hostility, resentment and misery have made way for compassion, kindness and peace.

Also, remember that forgiveness often isn't a one-time thing. It begins with a decision, but because memories or another set of words or actions may trigger old feelings, you may need to recommit to forgiveness over and over again.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting the other person to change their actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. In fact, the other person may never change or apologize for the offense. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing.

Forgiveness takes away the power the other person continues to wield in your life. Through forgiveness, you choose to no longer define yourself as a victim. Forgiveness is done primarily for yourself, and less so for the person who wronged you.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

It may help to spend some time thinking about the offense you've committed and trying to determine the effect it has had on others. Unless it may cause more harm or distress, consider admitting the wrong you've done to those you've harmed, speaking of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for forgiveness — without making excuses.

But if this seems unwise because it may further harm or distress, don't do it — it's not about making yourself feel better by apologizing. You don't want to add salt to a painful wound. Also, keep in mind that you can't force someone to forgive you. They will need to move to forgiveness in their own time.

In any case, we have to be willing to forgive ourselves. Holding on to resentment against yourself can be just as toxic as holding on to resentment against someone else. Recognize that poor behavior or mistakes don't make you worthless or bad.

Accept the fact that you — like everyone else — aren't perfect. Accept yourself despite your faults. Admit your mistakes. Commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. And again, talking with a spiritual leader, mental health provider or trusted friend or relative may be helpful.

Forgiveness of yourself or someone else, though not easy, can transform your life. Instead of dwelling on the injustice and revenge, instead of being angry and bitter, you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy and kindness.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Dec 8, 2007

Edited June 10, 2008 by TerriDoodle

[TerriDoodle 6]

Apples2 -- Believe me, I am not challenging you here... only asking that you consider the benefits of moving toward a state of forgiveness toward your abuser. He may not "deserve" forgiveness in your opinion, but that doesn't really matter. What does matter is that you will find TRUE peace if you work on it.

You say in one post that you "are now truly happy", but in the next post say "I live with the horror of what happened to me every day. I am only able to live a somewhat functional life after 5 years of therapy." To me it doesn't sound like you're "truly happy"...and perhaps you could be if you could learn to forgive your abuser.

I understand it may seem impossible to think you could ever do so, but it's actually not impossible. If you only move toward it you will begin to realize the benefit to YOURSELF and will find subsequent steps easier and easier to take. Sainthood is definitely NOT a requirement.

You may even find you don't need any more therapy!

I really, really, REALLY don't mean to come off sounding all preachy... I only offer these suggestions as food for thought. I realize that the thought of forgiveness probably rarely crosses your mind.... but maybe it is time to consider it. Maybe this thread is exactly what you needed to read at this particular time in your life. Maybe this is synchronicity.

Or maybe it's just another silly thread on a lap band forum.

Edited June 10, 2008 by TerriDoodle

[georgia girl 35]

Good article Terri.

For me, it is necessary that I forgive in order to move on. I've tried trying to put it out of my mind and ignoring the person but it doesn't work. I don't like feeling resentment or anger towards anyone. It interferes with my everyday life and just makes me feel terrible. Everyone is different though, and not everyone has the need to forgive like I do.

I think many times people think that forgiveness means you need to forget too, and that's just not so. Many people have wronged me and I've forgiven them, but I haven't forgotten what they did. I definitely learned from it though. Anyway, that's my thoughts on the subject.

[TerriDoodle 6]

Good article Terri.

For me, it is necessary that I forgive in order to move on. I've tried trying to put it out of my mind and ignoring the person but it doesn't work. I don't like feeling resentment or anger towards anyone. It interferes with my everyday life and just makes me feel terrible. Everyone is different though, and not everyone has the need to forgive like I do.

I think many times people think that forgiveness means you need to forget too, and that's just not so. Many people have wronged me and I've forgiven them, but I haven't forgotten what they did. I definitely learned from it though. Anyway, that's my thoughts on the subject.

Good points! And people may think they need to let their "enemy" know they've been forgiven....and that's not necessarily so either!

In my case, my "enemy" moved out of my life long, long ago. I lived with bitterness for a very long time but when I finally forgave him, I certainly didn't feel the need to ring him up to let him know!! LOL It was a personal thing I did only for myself.

[Apples2 19]

Terri...I could see where you thought my post contradicted each other. Sometimes it would be easier face to face when talking about a subject that is so intense.

I do live with the hell of what happened every day. It's part of me. I have learned to let so much of it go but it will always be there. The point I made of being "truly happy" is because I have filled so many voids in my life and moved on the best I could. I did not say that I have not forgiven. I said I have not done at total forgiveness.

As far as the "somewhat functional life" I live...it's the best that I can do with the damage that has been done. I said I was at peace after confronting my abuser and I mean that. I believe I have made great strides in working very hard to live as normal as possible after the trauma that was inflicted on me.

I do not walk around with great anger in me. There is just part of me that will never forgive him "totally"

[TerriDoodle 6]

That is good to hear.

I do not pretend to even have a clue about what it is like to live with the kind of hell you have had to endure in your life...not a freaking clue...so please understand that I was not 'preaching' at all. Like I said, it is just food for thought. As you can imagine, some people have never ever even considered that forgiveness is an option. It wasn't an option for me for a very long time until someone suggested it to me, and showed me the way, and I was liberated.

Best of everything to you...and I mean that sincerely.

[Apples2 19]

Thanks Terri....I appreciate your concern but it is what it is. I have to hang on to that little bit of not forgiving. He ruled me for so many years...it's my way of having the upper hand and in some way I feel like I am protecting myself. I cannot let him off the hook totally.

[Pix 4]

Terri, I understand where you are coming from. I Have forgiven many people in my life. The one of the two that wont ever receive my forgiveness did something just unforgivable. *shrugs*

*shrugs again* See but the difference is, these aren't my 'bed fellows' (the grudges) they are what they are and I live my life.

Like I said, I have forgiven many people in my life, two that will never get that are for damn good reasons but I don't obsess over them or the fact I wont forgive them, in fact this is the first time in a damned long time I have given either much thought.

[Kat817 19]

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

It may help to spend some time thinking about the offense you've committed and trying to determine the effect it has had on others. Unless it may cause more harm or distress, consider admitting the wrong you've done to those you've harmed, speaking of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for forgiveness — without making excuses.

But if this seems unwise because it may further harm or distress, don't do it — it's not about making yourself feel better by apologizing. You don't want to add salt to a painful wound. Also, keep in mind that you can't force someone to forgive you. They will need to move to forgiveness in their own time.

In any case, we have to be willing to forgive ourselves. Holding on to resentment against yourself can be just as toxic as holding on to resentment against someone else. Recognize that poor behavior or mistakes don't make you worthless or bad.

Accept the fact that you — like everyone else — aren't perfect. Accept yourself despite your faults. Admit your mistakes. Commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. And again, talking with a spiritual leader, mental health provider or trusted friend or relative may be helpful.

Forgiveness of yourself or someone else, though not easy, can transform your life. Instead of dwelling on the injustice and revenge, instead of being angry and bitter, you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy and kindness.

I so needed this today Terry.....

Kat

[TerriDoodle 6]

Yeah, I thought about this last night....whether I should ask forgiveness (or at least make a sincere apology) from my ex-husband about certain failures on my part. But he'd probably think I was trying to get back together with him or something...LOL...and I certainly don't want him thinking THAT!! Eeeek!! I'll ponder it some more and maybe someday the time will be right or I'll come up with just the right words.

[georgia girl 35]

Good point Kat! Forgiving others is a lot easier for me than forgiving myself. Guilt is a strong emotion to overcome and I agree...it's just as important to forgive yourself as it is to forgive others.

[TracyK 3]

You know...I just found out today, right now, that just letting something go (or someone) and moving on with life without giving it another thought is a form of forgiveness. I guess I do forgive after all. I could always "forgive" the little things. Major things or a BUNCH of little things that add up over time....I just walk away from it/them and go on with life. Glad to know I was doing the healthy thing! LOL

[Froggi 4]

I need to learn how to forgive MYSELF. I make mistakes...I am human like everyone else. I am always too hard on myself when skip something, or make a small mistake etc. If I miss a day of exercise I get mad at myself and work my body twice as hard the next day probably doing more harm than good. Stuff like that. If I slip of and eating something I shouldn't have, or go over my calorie intake. I need to tell myself it was a mistake and not beat myself up over it like I do.

So Jasmine heres to you...I am sorry for trying to push you too hard and not giving myself any room to breathe or for simple mistakes.

[Froggi 4]

I am not so sure about this word called "forgiveness" I have made peace inside myself over certain things that have happened in my life but I cannot say that I have totally forgiven anyone (or want to). I have taken certain steps to confront the people who ripped my world apart and felt so very much peace after confronting them, having my say and then leaving the ball in their court.

I was continually raped by my brother from the time I was seven until I was seventeen. (He was much older than I). I confronted my mother about this 13 years ago and I was no longer allowed in her life. She went to her death bed two years ago still living the lie. Three years ago I wrote a letter to my bastard brother confronting him with everything he had done to me. I felt a certain peace come over me. Most of the horrid anger I had pent up eased it's way out of me.

I have had no family contact since 1996. It's the way it has to be in order to save myself and keep my children away from demented family members. I attribute a lot of my weight gain to the stress of living without my family of origin. But, I am now truly happy. I have brought people into my life that have filled the void and I am blessed.

Total forgiveness? I don't think so!!!!!!!!

This post brought up a lot of emotions for me. It wasn't my brother that raped me though. It was my father. At age 5 he started doing it and let his friends in on it too until I was 11 and my mom finally came to her senses and divorced him.

I don't think ever in my wildest dreams I could forgive him. I just want to see him someday and tell him how much he screwed up my life. And then tell him I am a better person than he will ever be!!!

Ugh.:biggrin::rolleyes2:

[Hastings 3]

I was molested for ten years by an uncle and by my father, with my mother's complicity.

I have not found it necessary to forgive any of them. I HAVE found it necessary to finally let go of it. Children who are molested have their self image distorted and their self esteem severly damaged for many many years.

Until you let go of it, you have granted them power to affect you. It's the same with being fat. I let it go. I am safe now.

It just pisses me off that it took me almost fifty years to find freedom. There is no justice.