I'm supposed to talk about my feelings

[MeganA 35]

Hi everyone. I went to a session with my counselor today and I had kind of a breakthrough in why I've gotten so obese. I never talk about my feelings with people. I like to talk about other people's feelings and what's going on in their lives, but I'm not very good at talking about myself. Apparently I'm afraid of being vunerable. Kind of a no-duh assessment, but for some reason it really hit home with all of this band stuff.

I'm still pretty new to all of this, and even the idea of having the band has brought up so many new feelings and emotions than I ever thought I would have. I hope you don't mind if I share a few...it is one of my assignments for the next two weeks :-)

1. Holy crap, I'm so fat I need surgery? When did that happen? I'm fine, really. Really, I am. Ok, no I'm not.

2. I'm going to miss food a lot. I'm pretty sure that a new body shape will feel a lot better than eating food, but who really knows.

3. What does it feel like to shop in regular stores? How does one deal with all the options? I'm used to jeans in either classic or relaxed fit...not jeans, slacks, trousers, boot cut, low cut...

4. What happens when I get naked with a guy for the first time with my new body? Will I know how to use it? :-)

5. Will I tick people off if I'm not the fat one anymore? What if I get thinner than my size 16 sister? Will she kill me in my sleep?

6. Can I eat potato salad? I love potato salad. That's right...potato salad got me here in the first place.

7. Will I have to get new shoes? Sometimes people's feet size change.

8. What if I'm prettier fat than thin?

9. What if it doesn't work and I'm a failure at this as I was with every other diet?

10. What if it works?

Sorry it's so long...thanks for listening. It felt good to talk about these things and I'd love to hear what other people are scared about...pre op, post op, in op...whatever :-)

Megan

[erikafroling 0]

I know that the first time i heard a dr. say i was obese i was around 180. I thought to myself what ...how dare he say that im just a little overweight...then before i knew it i went up to 230 and now i finally realized wow i am obese.. and all the health problems that come with that title...my depression was out of control..and now that i have a possible answer i am so much happier...i cant wait to get the band..i know it will be a great tool for me and im committed to make it work!!!think about how you want to live..how you can change you life...how your new tool will help you through the hard times...commit yourself to achieving your first mini goal and go from there...1 day ata time!!! good luck

[Bright 9]

I SO hear ya Megan....

I am also aprehensive about living a new life - after years of comfort eating - I have become comfortable (!) here in a lot of ways. I have amazing looking sisters (all tall & thin) and my three best friends are thin, tanned, blonde and gorgeous - frequently I find it almost a relief not to have to compete - when we are all going to a party they are all stressing out what to wear, shoes, make up hair, etc - It's not that I don't make an effort but I'm the only fat one - I just have to look better than I do when I do the groceries for a party! ! I, as an outsider, find other "normal" women scary - they seem to constantly have to out do each other, if one goes on a tanning bed, they all do and someone eventually "wins" with the best tan - It's like they're all in a marathon and I'm sitting watching (eating hotdogs!). I'm worried about having to get in the race and become one of them! It's funny - I don't worry about men, they have always been kinder to me than women have anyway - plus I'm deliously happily married (14 yrs so far!).

I'm also kind of concerned about what will happen if I stop comfort eating? What will I start to do for comfort? (gulp!)

And (yet) another thing! Fashion!!! I have some great things from the eighties I am determined to wear again - if you hear sirens, it'll be the fashion police after me.....

As I have droned on in another post, the Band is a lot about trust, you have to look at the people on the path before you, thank them for their honesty and step off the bleachers into the race.......

[Bright 9]

...........did I get that right? Bleacher's are what you guys call those seats at football games, right? Got caught up in the emotion there for a bit, sorry :)

[Alexandra 55]

I'm worried about having to get in the race and become one of them!

Bright, I'm *so* with you on this! All of my life it's been my role to observe the game, not play it; my friends have all used me as a sounding board for their ups and downs along the way. I've never wanted to be a member of that cat race, and being heavy has given me the opportunity to be ignored and/or taken seriously by the opposite sex instead of examined as a possible conquest. I don't actually want to lose that!

[Lioness81970 0]

Meg - are we sharing the same brain?? lololol......but seriously I have not been banded yet but hope to be soon. While I have been on my road there I have done a lot of soul searching and thinking and debating as to why I wanted to have this done. Alot of the things that you have touched on were things that I thought about........and it was scary. But then I thought about one thing in particular and it scared me even more. That was what if I DON'T loose this weight and I don't make it to see my kids grow up??? The answer to that made all the sense in the world to me. Now I know that along the way there are going to be battles I will have to fight: what will it feel like to go to the store and by PANTYHOSE that aren't 4X or to be able to walk into the store to get new clothes and not have to look past a size large or (gasp...) maybe even a medium!!!!! Will I ever be able to eat PIZZA again???? But those are all questions that I can't answer until I have been banded. All I can do is take it one day at a time and pray to have the strength and wisdom to pull through this. I mean, look at all the people here that have done it.....they are my strength and through this journey I will lean on them like I have never leaned on anyone before!!!! After all - we're all FAMILY!!!!!

[Guest daisygirl03]

Megan,

I have to echo eveyone else here. I am preband too and I have the same feelings except not a fan of potato salad...I love cake and my birthday is comming soon! Ok not till february but hey...its cake and most likely I will not really be able to eat it again and certainly not for a while! There have been times that I have found more love in hostess than the guy I was dating, so I hear ya! Therapy is awesome when done right and it can help a lot. My big issues have to do with abandonment and worth. I get down on myself a lot and the tapes in my head scream "failure". You just have to keep working through things and expressing is better than keeping it in. Hang in there and feel free to write or talk to me anytime. sop336@aol.com

Sophia:p

[bbrecruiter2000 1]

Megan, Bright, Alex,

You guys are so witty.

Megan: Great thread. Most obese people think all of these things, but rarely share them with others because they don't think they will be understood especially by slender people.

I do not know why I am obese other than the fact that I eat too much. I have never tried to pin it down to one specific or multiple

things that occurred in my life that contributed to my weight gain. Way too deep for me!!!

Yes, I come from a dysfunctional family, yes, I was mentally abused and physically abused as a child and yes I had at least one parent who forced me to eat everything on my plate and threatened me if I left food there. Would talking to someone about these issues help me? Probably to some degree, but I think I would benefit more from therapy to help me with some of the changes you mentioned rather than thrive on the past and why I got this way. I worry about lots of things; will I still feel the same way about my husband or will he feel the same way about me? Himself? WIll I want to take up skydiving or do something totally outrageous that was taboo before because of my weight? I got lots of questions...

Bright: I am getting more and more excited for you as the big day comes! By the way, early eighties fashion is making a big comeback!!!

Alex: Remember that one of the greatest strengths you have is the advice that you give others. Not many people are capable of this, so this is a wonderful asset which you have and I always enjoy your posts even if I have a difference of opinion. At least as far as this board goes, I have never thought that you were observing life from the outside. And from your photo, you look absolutely beautiful, so I am surprised to hear that you do not think you get lots of male attention now, but it is true that you will get more later!

Babs in TX

334/289/180

6/23/03

[glenda6 1]

Megan - you are totally not alone. Most of us share you concerns.

I had my band on 29 July and have lost 32lbs already - I am actually already 1/3 of my way to goal. In saying that my emotions and food requirements have changed radically since having the surgery.

I am a very emotional and sensitive person - I mourned the loss of food and the comfort it gave me for the first 4 weeks after surgery - BUT - once I realised that is why I felt like I did - I have not looked back. I gave up blaming everyone and everything - because I knew I was loosing weight that I would never regain - so I was able to let go of all the past "issues" (trust me I had tonnes).

As far as the "naked guy" thing - this is my 2nd marriage and I have had too many men to brag about - beauty comes in all shapes and sizes - if a man loves you - he does love you regardless of your outta appearance - if that all he cares about - give him the flick!

I have not eaten one of my passion foods since being banded - I was a pizza girl and could chug down a large quickly - I would no more want pizza now than fly to the moon. I also loved cakes - couldn't care less about cakes or pastries - they just don't appeal to me anymore.

The bottom line is - I wanted to live longer - I wanted to be happy and enjoy life - I finally am - and it gets better ever day - even not being so paranoid about people looking at me anymore makes me more confident.

You will be fine - deal with it one day at a time - live you life!

Glenda

[jla78 3]

Megan-

Wow--this post really hits home for me. In fact, I could have written this post last year. I was banded in October of 2002, and I started (or re-started) counseling in May of 2002, in preparation for this journey. Everything you just said, I would have said. I didn't talk about my emotions--ever--but I loved talking about other people's feelings and what they were doing! I also was a comfort eater--that's what I turned to instead of talking through my feelings. And like your therapist, mine had me start working on new outlets right away.

Now, things are so different for me. Really, I'm amazed all the time at just HOW different they are. I always thought I had a group of good friends--but I never knew how great they were. I never let them be there for me. I limited those friendships, because I didn't let them share *me*--I only shared them. When I started opening up, sharing with my friends, and family, it was like a whole new world opened up to me. A world where comfort eating is, while not completely gone, a rare occassion.

What am I afraid of now? Not much. I feel so in control of my life and my weight. Now, I'm not done with my journey--I've still got a long way to go. But I just feel good--good about me, good about my journey, good about the possibilities before me. I hope that gives you some hope for the future!

Janeen

10/18/02

Dr. Ren, NYU Medical Center

306/225/206mg/165g

[Alexandra 55]

Babs, I'm seriously blushing here. Thank you for the nice words!

Megan, I'm so glad you started this thread! You've clearly struck a nerve, and I for one am thrilled that we can feel comfortable coming here and sharing what we probably wouldn't share with our real-life companions. I can't imagine telling any of my 3D friends that I'm worried about knowing what to wear when I get down to a normal size. Always being size 26+ has limited my options so much that my "style" has been determined purely by what's available in my size.

One of the major reasons I liked the band was that I want to recognize myself in the mirror as the pounds come off. I'm very apprehensive about how I'll feel when people notice, or when they don't notice. The trick, I think, will be seeing the positive in the situation, whichever it is. If they notice and say something about my weight loss, it's a compliment pure and simple. If they don't notice, or don't say something, it's because my weight wasn't something they thought about in the first place. (Yeah, right. )

Here's another fear I won't be telling anyone I know IRL. I've always been something of an underachiever. My career has been characterized by a lack of ambition, a spinning of wheels in place. I have skills I never use and potential that has not come close to being realized. (I know how that sounds, but I hope you know what I mean.) So what happens when I finally do lose weight? I don't really think I'll suddenly become ambitious and Type-A, but I'll have nothing to blame that on anymore except laziness. Will I hate myself?

Janeen, thanks so much for your posting above. It'swonderful to know there is another side.

[claraluz 2]

Great thoughts here! Although I'm a new bandster, I'm not new to the weight-loss biz. I've lost all my weight before, the last time was 6 yrs. ago. It's funny how my life changes when I really get in the dieting groove (and I guess the band will be the same?). I get more organized. I accomplish more. I feel better. It's fun to watch the pounds drop off. So I'm not really scared.

I do remember that it was a little freaky when I could no longer just shop in fat lady stores, of which there are 3 near me. Suddenly I could shop in any of 50 stores and I didn't know where to look.

The only negative part of losing weight for me was that I looked older. My face looks best with about 20 extra pounds. Now that I really *am* older and will be 50 next summer which is already freaking me out, I'm not looking forward to looking older again. People tell me I look at least 15 years younger than I am, but that will change when I lose weight again. A small price to pay, I guess.

Nancy