My mom "spilled the beans"

[ImGonnaLose 0]

My surgery is scheduled for 6/19/2008, and I have told four people (my best friend, who sent me the info about it in the first place, my mom, and my two sisters), and that is all I had planned to tell. (I realize different people have different views on whether they want to tell people about the surgery) Apparently, I failed to specify to them that it's a private decision that I don't want to be broadcast.

My sister had a cook-out tonight, and invited a couple that have been family friends for years. After dinner, the wife turns to me and asks if I'm excited about my upcoming surgery! I was so mad! My mom wasn't in the room, so I confronted her about 10 minutes later and asked who all she had told. She apologized and said no one else - and that the only reason she had told this person was because several months ago (before I had decided to do it or even mentioned the possibility to my mom), the woman had said to my mom that I should think about getting WLS. So I guess my mom decided it was OK to tell her when I did make that decision.

I understand that my mom wants someone to talk to about her concerns for me. And this woman is probably the ideal person to talk to - two of her kids were banded (non-adjustable) many years ago. Both were very successful, although her daughter had to have hers removed for some reason (she was losing too much weight). But, still... It's MY surgery, and MY decision who should know.

And the kicker - after she told me she had told no one else, I asked her specifically if she had told my brother (who is in town this week), and she said "Yes, but he's your brother." Argh! She's probably told my other brother, as well (and he's very judgmental).

So, I told her to not tell anyone else.

Thanks for letting me vent! (I tried to call my best friend, but I guess she's already in bed)

[Sarah.R 2]

I know the feeling at the time I decided I wanted this only my mum knew and the doctors and everything and then we were at my cousins birthday and my mum told my aunt which is fine with me but then she came up to me and whispered in my ear "your beautiful now but your going to be even more beautiful" needless to say I ended up bursting out in tears and luckily passed it off as aheadache but I understood why my mum told my aunt, she needed someone to talk to because she was worried about me, so I think its fair you know? And then I was put in hospital about 2 weeks ago and had to tell my dad before the doctor mentioned it and my dad would have been like "uhhh wtf?" So there the only people in my family that know, I was planning on doing this whole dinner thing when I found out my date you know like before I was about to go on the shakes Id go out for dinner that night and tell my dad and 2 sisters, don't have to tell my dad now just my sisters and they will be the only people that know. I'll definetly be telling them I don't want other people to know mainly for the fact that people are judgemental and even though I'm close with friends and family I dont want them to know, especially a family that we know - the daughter is the same age as me and basically around the same size and I know if she found out she'd just be a total bitch to me just because "she can't have the surgery" lol but I definetly know what you mean when you say you only want certain people to know

[Lunabeane 2]

I'm sorry that this happened and that you are feeling badly. This is one of the reasons why I was open and forward about the whole procedure. I can't stand the judgement. Hopefully it will become less "interesting" to them.

[SweetCrazySarah 1]

I had my surgery on May 9th, 08. Before my surgery, I didn't want to tell anyone about my procedure, I thought they would say, "Why are u paying all that money, Why don't you just go on a diet?"... But then I thought about it, I have so many friends and family members that are extremely over-weight as well and I thought that if I shared the entire process with them, then maybe they would consider the procedure as well. I am also very proud of myself for making the decision to have this huge life changing procedure, and i just really wanted to share my excitment. Also, my mother and father self-payed 16,100 dollars for my surgery, and i was apreciative of them, so I decided I want to tell ppl about my surgery so that they others would know how wonderful my parents are. I guess everyone is different, but I think that when u are open about what u have had done, or will be doing, u spread the word about the most wonderful surgery in the world. Don't be ashamed of having lap band, be proud, its hard work.

[shy_one 0]

When I was finally scheduled to have my surgery, I didn't want many people to know. However, the closer to my date, the more excited I became, and the more I wanted to tell people. Almost everyone was supportive of me, thank goodness. But even if they hadn't, I KNEW that this was the only option for me and my health. It seems like people don't want anyone to change, except maybe themselves. I've found that when I lose weight, people want to feed me, including my mother. So, I've decided that this is my journey and any one can join only if they are willing to go in my direction. Good luck with your surgery. Hopefully the people who know will realize that this is your decision and support you in an emotionally healthy manner - Brenda

[kathystrick 3]

My mom also "spilled the beans" for me. I had told her, my husband, and my son. I was planning to also tell my brother, but she beat me to it. Then, my uncle calls one day and asks me how much longer until I'm ready for surgery. This was after I speciaifcally asked her NOT to tell anyone else. Kinda made me mad at the time. Now though, I find I ma telling more people as my date gets closer. I'm still not yelling it from the rooftops or anything, but if it comes up, so be it. There are still a few people I defintitely won't share with (and am hoing no one else finds the need to), but I am a lot more open about it than I was at first.

[coolrn2000 2]

I have a big family in numbers and pounds. Yet, I am a very private person. So, I really don't talk to much about my surgery. If they ask questions and are not judgemental, I will talk about it. I work in a hospital and had the surgery there as well. Lots of people notice and say I look good. But, I am the one who doesn't let it get any further. People will usually respect your privacy and drop the subject if you do. I was a lot more sensitive at first, not as bad now.

People who judge are usually just jealous.

Good Luck.

[AliNSanDiego 1]

I see no reason to hide what I am doing. Everyone that looks at me can clearly see I am fat... why hide that I am trying to get healthy. If they don't agree with the way I am going about it, they can take a HIKE!

Saying that I have told pretty much everyone. Including a lot of my co-workers. Thankfully everyone is very supportive and if they are not, they are doing a great job hiding it!

Keep your head up and try not to worry about what others think. This is about YOU, YOU, YOU!!!

[neverB4 2]

My mom "spills the beans" because she says she is proud of me for making this decision. I luv her too much to be mad at her. I only get upset wondering what the comments will be to me. And so far, no one who I admire has made a comment like "you'll feel better, you'll look better, can't you do this on your own," etc. In fact, I get the opposite..."tell me more about it...I'm thinking about it, or I would like so and so in my family to have it done.." I dont' go annoncing it but since people are starting to notice my weight loss, I do tell a select few, the ones I feel won't hurt my feelings...at least for now. Eventually, once I get used to this new life myself, it won't bother me what anyone will think!! It's funny though, huh....we go thru our lives listening to all the ridicules, jokes, rudeness because of our weight, and then whenever we decide to do something about it, we still get it! Guess that tells us that these people in our lives have already decided we're weaker than they are, and watch out if we try to be stronger, it still makes them mad and feel inferior.

[HeatherO 7]

It is better that if you want to keep a conversation private that you let people know beforehand, even if it is family. I am sure that this surgery is a big deal to your mother and it may have been difficult for her not to share in the excitement of what is coming.

I also know that there are certain people in my family that it I tell them something, they can not help but share it with others. If I say to keep it quiet, I know they will just preface it with "you really need to keep this quiet, but did you know . . . " I never hold it against them because I know it is their nature to share, I just make sure to only share what I don't mind sharing with everyone.

I think you will feel much better about it once surgery is done and the pounds start melting away :0)

[cowgrrl 0]

I am, by nature, a very private person. I'm also a teacher who tries really hard to maintain the parent/teacher boundaries of professionalism & privacy. So, while my immediate family & co-workers know, my students & their parents do not.

I also had to ask my DH to please ask his parents to not 'spread the word'. Total strangers do not need to know about my surgery & I'd prefer even the most basic details be kept 'in family'. I don't know how they felt about that but its my surgery so my decision.

[shoresexy 0]

You are right to be upset that someone else has taken control of your road to recovery. Some people don't want others to know, some shout it from the mountain tops...and there are those in betweens.... I didn't know how to handle it but what I wound up doing was sending an email to everyone who I chose from my address book a week before surgery. I explained that I was having WLS on the date and I just asked them to pray for me. I never sat and explained it to anyone, I took the chicken way out and didn't face anyone but I told them. About 3 months after my surgery the check out clerk commented that I looked great and said that she hopped I didn't take the easy way out and have surgery. I looked her square in the face and said.. I had Lap Band surgery and it's the hardest thing I have ever done! But look I am doing it. I then had this free wheel handed to me... I began to tell anyone who asked the same story. "I had Lap Band Surgery and it's the hardest thing I have ever done but, I am doing it!" Don't let others get in the way of your journey! Don't let this stop you! It's hard especially when others judge or watch everything you put in your mouth..... been there done that.... This is your time... your journey... To hell with anyone who threatens to take it away from you....

[TulipStar 2]

I'm sorry about this. I had the same kind of drama before my surgery. The only difference was my MIL called and asked if she could tell people in our family!

It certainly adds to the stress of the situation. Congrats on your upcoming band date. You are going to love it!

[ImGonnaLose 0]

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. If my mom had just asked first, I probably would have said it was OK. At least if it had to happen, she told someone who is supportive.

I'm sure I'll tell people in the future, but I want to wait until I've actually made some significant progress!!

[Allison 2]

My mom calls me every other day asking if she can tell so and so and blah blah blah. I asked her not to tell anyone, she told her whole office without my permission because she though they needed to know why she needed the day off (the day of my surgery) She told her mother without my permission, but I didn't care about that one. And then while I was on a liquid diet, my family went on vacation with all my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. And well she had to explain why I was on the liquid diet.... A lot of my friends who know have told their moms and siblings. I hate how when you tell someone something private, they think that it still means they can tell their families and significant others. I know these people might have found out eventually, but it still pisses me off.