Scared to start new relationship

[BeckyinTexas 3]

For anyone that hasn't read my posts before...my starting weight was 469 pounds and today I weight 183. Needless to say, I have a lot of hanging skin. I recently visited a plastic surgeon about a pannicolectomy and he took pictures of me completely nude. They were submitted to my insurance company for approval for the surgery. Well, I was denied. The surgeon sent me all the info sent in along with the pictures so I can appeal the decision. Well, after seeing my pictures, they grossed me out! Talk about a wake up call. I had convinced myself that I didn't look so bad...well, that's with clothes on certainly not naked! I have recently started a new relationship with a wonderful man. He knows how much weight I've lost and also about my hope to get surgery and he's very supportive. He tells me it's not a problem for him and that he cares about me and to stop worrying. Well, he hasn't seen me naked and I'm scared to take the relationship to that step for fear he'll be grossed out by how I look. I just find it so hard to believe that any man could look at me and find me desirable let alone sexy. I've been obsessing about this for a week now after seeing my photos. I haven't yet talked with him about how I'm feeling but I know I need to. I'm just so scared that he'll say it won't be a problem and then see me and be disgusted. I don't think my ego could handle that. Unfortunately, I'm still trapped in the same mindset I had before I lost weight....a man couldn't find me attractive. I've given myself pep talk after pep talk but in my mind I'm just affraid that I'm opening myself up to be hurt and that scares the living daylights out of me. Anyone else faced this kind of issue? Thanks for letting me share this with you.

[Aphrodite1984 2]

Take it slow. And although it seems that you have shared your concerns with this guy, you need to sit him down and tell him EXACTLY how painful it would be for you if your worst fear was realized, so you need to make sure that there is some sort of commitment before you do anything physical. Just make sure you are in a committed relationship before you do anything with your clothes off! Also, if he says that he understands this time then for god's sake....relax! If you need to, have glass of wine before you get naked....that always helps me!

[sil 0]

hi my name is sil congradulations on your weight loss you will be fine just take your time. i know it,s new an exciting. good luck.:smile:

[jjsmiles 3]

Becky,

I know how overwhelming and frightening this issue is. As you can see from my ticker, I was pretty close to your original weight, so I probably know better than most about your skin issues. I thought I wouldn't care what my body looked like, if only I could lose the weight, but I was just fooling myself, it bothers me enormously.

I have spent my life avoiding intimacy (I couldn't believe it when I first started on this forum and found out that the majority of people here have successful initimate relationships) Heck, I've been a member of this forum for 8 months and have never visited this thread!!

He sounds like a good guy. You need to try to think of some ways to make yourself comfortable. I am rooting for you to have a successful relationship for the both of us!!!!

Can you get hold of those pictures that the plastic surgeon took? Could you show them to him, so at least you know that he knows what you look like? You don't have to be in the room when he looks at them - or maybe you want to be in the room. It seems to me that it is your fear of the unknown and the possible humiliation that you will feel if he doesn't react well to you that is driving you crazy and causing you so much stress.

He has told you he is ok, but at this point you can't accept that. If you take the uncertainty out of the equation, would that take some pressure off you? I mean they aren't pornographic pictures, they are just pictures of a female body (I know - easier said than done).

I guess I am saying at some point you either need to take a risk or give up on the relationship. If he makes you happy, you need to gather your courage, but in a way that you can live with.

Good Luck!!!!!!!

[BeckyinTexas 3]

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and wonderful ideas. I just have to find a way to accept myself and how I look before I can expect anyone else. I was like you JJ, when I first started losing weight, I said it wouldn't matter to me but I'm finding out more and more it does. I look like a deflated balloon. I just have to talk to him and if he's the kind of man I think he is, it really won't be a problem. That's certainly what I'm hoping for. Good men don't come along that often so I have to find a way to deal with this. You're ideas certainly have helped me and thank you all so much!

[gladididit 0]

Becky-

Thanks for your honesty. I have the same fear and I'm not even dating yet. It's bad enough with clothes on but NAKED??? It's not a pretty sight and I know what's coming!

I kiddingly said to a friend...if I had a pick up line it would be...Hi, how do you like Shar-Peis?

I know the key is accepting ourselves but in this situation it's a lot to ask.

Good luck to you and let us know how it goes. :wink2:

Starting weight-355

Current weight-195

Goal weight-165

[Vinnieboomba 0]

Hopefully you would like a man's point of view. I've been at least 50lbs overweight most my life, and my friends think I'm a bit of a playboy (I let them think what ever they want). What I have found is that people real people are attracted for many reasons and fall in love for even different reasons later.

I've always had the same fears as you. My answer is I take alot longer to give in to women to make sure they really care. Think of your skin as a filter for losers or the non sincere. Woman fall for me because I make them laugh and I'm confident. This doesn't mean I am it's what I project This works well for me and it will for you. If he is truley wonderful he'll wait and build a strong friendship and yearning

LOL. You are not your stomach you are an incredible person with the willpower of warrior just look at what you've done compared to any "skinny" person. Hope this helps..happy to have you bounce things off me. Head up think special and you will be.

Vanman

[Donna113 2]

I know not everyone can afford plastic surgery and most insurance companies won't pay for it but if it's at all doable, regardless of the interest rate, can you finance it? If not, have you looked into teaching hospitals to see if you can get a discount and payment plan? I think this is more than a vanity issue; it's truly a quality of life issue. If having all that loose skin is holding you back from living your life to the fullest, then give yourself permission to make whatever sacrifices necessary to remove that block. It's OK to be selfish and do something for yourself. It's wonderful to have a partner you can trust, count on and love both physically and emotionally. Don't let money hold you back.

[Fanny Adams 7]

Get thee to a lingerie shop, immediately!! And then, screw up your courage and find a photographer who will take some tastefully sexy glamour photos. Those photos that the doctor took are specifically designed to show up your worst, partly to help you convince your insurance people and probably partly to help convince YOU so that you'll do the surgery anyway, even if you have to self-pay. They might be brutally honest but they are in no way meant to be flattering.

I think you'll find that with some nice lingerie, especially a good bra to support the girls and maybe a nice babydoll and penoir set, you'll look fabulous and learn to feel sexy again. Getting a photographer to take the glamour shots might be a scary thought, but seeing yourself in that setting will do wonders for your confidence, even if you never show anyone the pictures and just keep them to show yourself.

Don't forget that the doc's pics were taken in the harsh artificial light in his office, probably without any thought of you presenting yourself in a flattering way. It is unlikely (I'd guess) that any possible first time sexual encounter would be under those harsh conditions. It's much more likely that it would be under soft lighting (candles are SO flattering!!), with you looking your best, so the reality will be MUCH closer to the glamour shots than to the doctor's pics.

[Vinnieboomba 0]

All good ideas for you. I didn't mean don't have a Tummy Tuck, do it when you can afford it. Have you considered that he might have something the makes him uneasy too.

[BeckyinTexas 3]

Thanks, Vanman for giving me a male's point of view. It's so easy to get all hung up on body image. Heck, woman don't have the market cornered on that concern I'm thinking. Thanks again.

[vegasgirl44 0]

Vanman....do you have a girlfriend?

[Cgailee 1]

oh becky honey I feel for you. I think everyone here has personal hangups about our bodies. we would not have gotten banded if we were all in love with our bodies. I have one word of advice, lights off! lol maybe this message will find that your circumstance has changed and things are wonderful between you and your new love. But I would just ask for the lights off and let him feel his way around, or better yet taste his way around. lol

Goodluck sweetie!

Gail in texas too.

[Jachut 487]

I'd say the same as Fanny, lingerie! And lights off, naturally. Only very brave people could have sex with the lights on.

This must be really hard. I know my pic is up there in my bikini but I'm really shy about the tiny amounts of excess skin that I do have. And I know thats exactly like the thin girl saying she's fat and fishing for complements, but believe me, everyone has body insecurities.

If he's worth it, it wont matter to him.

I think of it in terms of the way I look at DH. He's gained about 80lb since we met (as had I!). He's obese now. If I looked at him objectively, he's not as attractive as he was as a fit, muscly 18 year old. But the thing is I *dont* look at him that way. I dont break him apart and look for his flaws. He's my DH and I love him and therefore I find him desirable. If this is the right guy for you and the relationship is on the right track, he wont look at you that way.

You know, even PS wont take these feelings away, because there's going to be some pretty major scarring. We simply have to learn to love what we have.

Best of luck and I hope you can get the PS thing sorted too.

[Dominic 0]

I'd say the same as Fanny, lingerie! And lights off, naturally. Only very brave people could have sex with the lights on.

This must be really hard. I know my pic is up there in my bikini but I'm really shy about the tiny amounts of excess skin that I do have. And I know thats exactly like the thin girl saying she's fat and fishing for complements, but believe me, everyone has body insecurities.

If he's worth it, it wont matter to him.

I think of it in terms of the way I look at DH. He's gained about 80lb since we met (as had I!). He's obese now. If I looked at him objectively, he's not as attractive as he was as a fit, muscly 18 year old. But the thing is I *dont* look at him that way. I dont break him apart and look for his flaws. He's my DH and I love him and therefore I find him desirable. If this is the right guy for you and the relationship is on the right track, he wont look at you that way.

You know, even PS wont take these feelings away, because there's going to be some pretty major scarring. We simply have to learn to love what we have.

Best of luck and I hope you can get the PS thing sorted too.

I'm brave :smile2:

In all seriousness though, it really won't matter if that person really cares about you.