Telling the kids

[Moe128 0]

Hey everyone. I got officially weighed in today and turned in my application. I am going forward with the surgery, but it will be a couple of months before I have the surgery. I have two sons 5 and 8, any suggestions about what to say to them? Thanks.

Edited May 15, 2008 by Moe128

[Lunabeane 2]

I have been doing this for the last several days with my son. About a week ago I told him that I was going in to have surgery and that I would be gone overnight. He is 7 BTW. He stared at me for a second and then said, "ok." That night he asked if I would lay with him at bedtime.

He didn't say anything about it again. I got the call today from the doctors office telling me that I had to be at the hospital by 10am tomorrow morning. While he was at school I got a photo of the illustrated version of the lap band procedure (the one that just showed the illustrated stomach with the white band around it). When he came home I told him that the doctor said that he was ready to do the surgery and that I was going to go tomorrow morning. He said, "I'm a little scared for you mom....I don't want you to hurt." I asked him if he wanted to know what the doctor would do and that I was having the surgery because I wanted to be healthy again. I showed him the photo and showed him where the port would be on my stomach. We then looked at some of the before and after photos on the forum. You want to know what I love about this kid....he looked at the photos of all of the woman on this forum and said, "I think they were pretty before too." We snuggled for a bit...and then he went to Karate class.

I hope this helps. I made sure that there was no blood or incisions for him to see...just enough to alleviate some stress and anxiety. He's a pretty sensitive kid and change is difficult for him.

[elisa 0]

dont tell them anything or you will give them anxity. You will stress them out.

[Lunabeane 2]

I totally disagree. I think that it depends on the relationship that you have with your children and what you feel your child needs. Every adult is different...just like every child. If I didn't come home and wasn't available for him without explanation THEN he would be overwhelmed with anxiety. Knowledge of something gives you power over it. My son cannot be thrown into a situation that he is not knowledgeable about.

Edited May 15, 2008 by Lunabeane

[chrisssssy 0]

I totally disagree with elisa too.

My daughters are 9 years and 18 months old so obviously the baby doesnt have a clue, but 9 year old sure does. I think being honest is the only way to go. I dont even have my initial visit until June 4th, but we have already talked about it. I think that if it is something you can talk to them openly and honestly about it makes it easier and I think for us it will be months that she knows about it so it wont be something new and scary to her. I just told her that Mommy has tried tons of diets and nothing seems to work to make me healthy so I am going to have this procedure done to help me lose the weight! I want to stress to her that it is to make me healthy and just not to be thin. (Even though it is part of it for me) I dont want her to get obsessed with weight loss this young in life and I dont want her to have self esteem issues like always have. So hopefully if I talk to her about the health side of it she wont see it as I have to be "skinny" to feel good about myself!

I am sure it this something that you have been thinking about for awhile I bet your kids know more than you think! They are smart little cookies!

You know your kids better than anyone and you know in your heart what they need to know and how they will react to the situation! My advice to you is do what you think is best for them and yourself!! My situation may be completely different than yours, ya know?? So advice is good to get, but the decision is yours!! I hope this helped somewhat!!

Best of luck to you and I hope it goes well for you! Also good luck with your surgery! : )

[stef123633 1]

I have a 5 1/2 yr old daughter that is extremely smart and sensitive. She overheard the word "surgery" a few weeks ago and freaked out thinking I wasn't coming back for a long time - her preschool teacher has been out for 6 weeks due to a hysterectomy. Anyway, I totally downplayed it, said mommy wasn't having surgery, etc. Mine is outpatient so that morning I will kiss her goodbye, tell her I am going to the doctor for a check-up and when I get home explain that sometimes mommy bellies need fixed after having kids. Not entirely truthful, but she has sooo many questions I'm keeping it super simple. Plus I don't want her to have a weight stigma when she grows up thinking mom had to have her belly shrunk to lose weight, so she should diet also.

[Vikki 2]

Wow this one is a tricky one. I think that it depends on how you much you want them to know. I have a 9 year old daughter and 17 yr old son. I told my son everything because he is old enough to hear the emotional aspect of why I wanted to get the band and loose weight. My daughter is a curious creature and I didn't want to hide anything from her so I just told her mommy wants to be healthy and happy so I can be the best mom I can be. She has very bad eating habits and threw this whole thing I can see her changing the way she even looks at food. I explain to her all the time that I have to eat what my body needs to be a healthy body not just eat what I am craving because I feel hungry. I did go threw three months where I was too tight from my fill and it was difficult to hide getting sick after I ate. She started making comments about how she hating the band because she saw me in pain. I have gotten my band adjusted so now I can eat with out the compilcation of hurting and getting sick now. It is important to just explain it in a possitive aspect. They don't need to know the emotional roller coaster we go threw being heavy and dealing with the food issues. That is what the support groups are for. It is good to just let them know that mommy is going to be healthy and happy and when mommy is happy.......well know know :biggrin:

[Moe128 0]

This forum is a Godsend! I have to tell them something. I have always been honest, but tried to tell them things in a way that makes sense to them. My oldest saw what I went through with the c-section with his brother. He is high anxiety and was fine with everything as long as I told him. If I came home and he felt left out of the loop, he would have a harder time with it than if I'm up front with him. THey have both seen me struggle with weight issues and different diets where I am eating something different than they are, so I will probably tell them that I am going to the doctor and he is going to give me something on my belly to help me be healthier. They will get that. Thanks for all the great advice. Lunabeane: I love your son and I don't even know him:)

[gone 4 ever 6]

I think Lunabean has the right idea. They have to be told something and saying it is for health reasons is an excelent idea. I almost died when my kids were 11,6,3. I had emergency surgery and was in the hospital for over a month. They are all grown up now but still has issues. They all have their own family but if they don't hear from me or I decide to take a Detour they get really antsy and call me immediatly. So they have to be told something. It's scary for kids and the more they know the better they are. So take your time and decide how to tell them and how much. You know your kids and what they can handle.

[elisa 0]

I think with my kids the less told the better. They are 6 and 11 . I asked my daughter the 6 year old if there was a operation to help get skinny what does she think. She freaked out. She says she loves me and doesn't care if I am overweight. My son would also freak out. I would tell them when I get home. They would also tell everybody which the only other person who knows is my husband.-elisa P.S. You have to know your audience. If they can handle it go for it. My Dr. keeps us there over night.

[jnbwilds 0]

I think this depends on the maturity of your kids and also your own maturity as a parent. If you have an open, honest relationship with your children - then tell them. If you want to begin a healthy, frank dialogue about weight, eating and exercise - then tell them. If you prefer not to lie to your children about where you are when you are in a surgery center overnight - then tell them. If you want your children to be able to Celebrate your successes with you as you go through the journey - then tell them. If you value allowing your children to ask open questions about things that might make them nervous, or curious - then tell them.

If, on the other hand - your children are not old enough or mature enough to understand, then wait. And of course, if you are so ashamed of your own decision (or of having gotten obese in the first place) that you are afraid to discuss it with your children - then keep it a secret.

[stef123633 1]

I think there is a difference between "lying" to your children and just not telling them the entire truth. Kids are kids only a short time. Why burden them with more than they need to know? Personally I do not want my little ones fretting about the unknown of what could happen to mommy when the reality of it is, mommy will be just fine. I want them assured not anxious. That is what works for me right now, when they are older they'll know more and as they see the changes in me I'll explain more.

[Moe128 0]

I think this depends on the maturity of your kids and also your own maturity as a parent. If you have an open, honest relationship with your children - then tell them. If you want to begin a healthy, frank dialogue about weight, eating and exercise - then tell them. If you prefer not to lie to your children about where you are when you are in a surgery center overnight - then tell them. If you want your children to be able to Celebrate your successes with you as you go through the journey - then tell them. If you value allowing your children to ask open questions about things that might make them nervous, or curious - then tell them.

If, on the other hand - your children are not old enough or mature enough to understand, then wait. And of course, if you are so ashamed of your own decision (or of having gotten obese in the first place) that you are afraid to discuss it with your children - then keep it a secret.

I agree. I am going to tell them, but I don't have to go into crazy amounts of detail. I am talking about it with friends and family, so they are going to hear some of the discussion, which obviously I would keep to a minimum in front of them, but the key is going to be not to give them so much detail that I freak them out. You all have given me so much to think about.

[MacMadame 81]

With really young kids, their concept of time is not like ours and I think it's best to wait until right before the surgery and then keep it really simple.

My kids are 9 and 16 and the 16 year old doesn't really care about anything but his own life right now, but is supportive -- he's attitude is that if I want it, then he should want it for me.

My 9 year old did freak out a bit about it. She said I'm not fat (ha!) and I think she's just afraid of change. So we went through the Before and After pictures on this site and that was reassuring to her. She could see that I wasn't going to turn into Twiggie or not look anything like myself. The big convincer for her was when I said I needed the operation to make sure I was around for a long time.

[Aphrodite1984 2]

I dont have any children, but I remember being a child. I remember times when my parents didnt tell me what was going on, and being absolutely paralyzed with fear. Because I was never actually TOLD what was happening, I couldnt ASK for reassurance. I think you should tell your children (simply, with diagrams, no gory details) and just reassure them about how you will be fine, and much healthier and happier. Its much better to be honest, because trust me, they already know anyways. Just my two cents.............