Betrayal is a BITCH

[green 6]

Green---I do not mean to hijack this thread, but I just wanted to tell you that I am sooooo glad to see you posting regularly again, and hope that it means you are feeling much better. I was worried about you! So glad to see more of you!

It is a strange feeling to look back and realize what we would have lost had we remained in the bad relationships.....and at the time we felt like we were losing everything.

Kat

Awww, thanks Kat. Well, the tumor is gone and my hair is growing back. It is thicker, and both darker and greyer than before. And it is really curly on the back and sides!!! It looks like I have had a perm. Now, I am waiting to hear if the cancer has moved into my bones or not. I had a bone scan and there is a weird spot on my left set of ribs that was not there before. Ugh!!!

And, yes, you are so right! It is a strange thing to think how much we would have lost had we stayed in those bad relationships. This is why I wanted to post an answer to gone4. I remember that when I first left my ex, I found myself feeling lonely and scared at times. I wondered whether I was doing the right thing. Better the devil you know, I thought. But I went on to have a fabulous life, so did you, and I am sure that gone4 will have a great life, too.

And of course the lap band is a great weight loss tool. Cancer has been as well. lol I guess that is the hidden upside to the disease.

[mumof2boys 71]

Hey there everyone...life is still treating me good (especially the scales). In my new-found love of myself I have become addicted to the treadmill and running. I really get some good "Tina" time when I'm running on the treadmill. I'm happier than I have been in a very long time. I'm sad because I think that my marriage may be over and I never wanted to end a marriage with divorce but I have learned that somethings are out of your control. My husband is truly trying everything in his power to make me happy but I'm just not feeling those same feelings towards him anymore. I think that I have finally realized that it's probably over and I'm content with that. Is that strange or what? I feel like I can finally stand up tall and say that I'm a strong woman and I can go through life by myself with my kids. I feel like a new woman!!!!!

[tapshoes 2]

Tina

It is, I know, difficult to come to the realization that a relationship is over, but it is also (as you are discovering) somewhat freeing.

The difficulties will not all be over, but you have what it takes to get through them, and be a successful, happy person, and a great mother.

I am so very happy for you, and proud of you.

[BensonRN 0]

I went through the same thing in my marriage. Almost 9 years ago. It takes that point for you to realize its over for you to move on. Nows the time. MOVE ON. I am remarried now and can trust my new spouse. So, have fun and good luck it is actually a great adventure.

[Donna113 2]

Tina, you may waiver back and forth for a while on whether you want to stay married or get divorced. Take your time and if feasible, try a "trial" separation. Also consider whether you were happily married prior to finding out he was cheating on you. Before you knew of his infidelity, overall were you happy with him as a spouse? Did you feel you were partners in life, love, fun AND as parents?

If you were dissatisfied before and simply resigned to making the best of it because of the kids, the house, the weight or whatever, then there's probably not much to salvage but if you were relatively happy until you found out about the infidelity, with counseling you may be able to save the marriage and maybe even improve it to a level better than before.

[FabBy50 0]

Mum, Im sorry for all that you are going thru right now. I had a very similar experience, we had been married 13 years and I found out that he had been having an affair with my NIECE. It was awful but I was determined to put it behind us and make our marriage work. It did work for awhile but 2 years later hea had another affair with someone different. This time he leftme for her and ended up marrying her (after her divorce was final) Well to make a long story a little shorter after just a couple years of marriage she cheated on him with his best friend!!! Once a cheater always a cheater.

[green 6]

Tina, you may waiver back and forth for a while on whether you want to stay married or get divorced. Take your time and if feasible, try a "trial" separation. Also consider whether you were happily married prior to finding out he was cheating on you. Before you knew of his infidelity, overall were you happy with him as a spouse? Did you feel you were partners in life, love, fun AND as parents?

If you were dissatisfied before and simply resigned to making the best of it because of the kids, the house, the weight or whatever, then there's probably not much to salvage but if you were relatively happy until you found out about the infidelity, with counseling you may be able to save the marriage and maybe even improve it to a level better than before.

This is very wise advice in my opinion.

[green 6]

Mum, Im sorry for all that you are going thru right now. I had a very similar experience, we had been married 13 years and I found out that he had been having an affair with my NIECE. It was awful but I was determined to put it behind us and make our marriage work. It did work for awhile but 2 years later hea had another affair with someone different. This time he leftme for her and ended up marrying her (after her divorce was final) Well to make a long story a little shorter after just a couple years of marriage she cheated on him with his best friend!!! Once a cheater always a cheater.

Wow. Talk about karma!

[Donna113 2]

Wow. Talk about karma!

Don't you just love karma?

[FabBy50 0]

I just love Karma!!!!!!! I wanted soo badly to something evil to him, but in the end she did it for me. I always say what goes around comes around, his just came around quickly.

Oh and Tina I did not mean to imply that you should just leave him. I would give it a try, you will know if it is worth the effort or not. When I found out about the 2nd affair something snapped in me and I was DONE. I wish you lots of luck and many HUGS!!

Bernadette

[mumof2boys 71]

UPDATE:

Hello all...wanted to give you an update. Last night I had a discussion with my husband and I told him that it's just not working. I told him that I didn't think that we should be husband and wife anymore...the feelings are not the same, there has been too much damage and I can't continue on like I'm happy in the marriage. I said that I am happy with myself and my kids but that I am uncomfortable around him and the thoughts of what he has done are constantly with me. We both cried...I told him that I didn't want to hurt him, despite what he may think. It was a very difficult conversation to have but I felt like it was the right time. I do worry about him and I told him that he has made great changes in his life but unfortunately for me, it's too late. We didn't discuss any particulars regarding a seperation but that's the next step. It's going to be hard but it's something that needs to be done. Who knows...maybe one day those feelings will return but right now there are none. It's very difficult to deal with all of this but I'm holding it together as best I can. Thanks to everyone for being here for me. This has been a great place to vent, get advice and I have made some pretty good friends here. Pray that things continue to go smoothly and it doesn't get ugly. I would hate for this to turn into something that it doesn't have to.

Thanks guys!

[Donna113 2]

Stay strong Tina. I'm very proud of you for having the temerity to pursue happiness, even when it's the scariest option.

[gone 4 ever 6]

UPDATE:

Hello all...wanted to give you an update. Last night I had a discussion with my husband and I told him that it's just not working. I told him that I didn't think that we should be husband and wife anymore...the feelings are not the same, there has been too much damage and I can't continue on like I'm happy in the marriage. I said that I am happy with myself and my kids but that I am uncomfortable around him and the thoughts of what he has done are constantly with me. We both cried...I told him that I didn't want to hurt him, despite what he may think. It was a very difficult conversation to have but I felt like it was the right time. I do worry about him and I told him that he has made great changes in his life but unfortunately for me, it's too late. We didn't discuss any particulars regarding a seperation but that's the next step. It's going to be hard but it's something that needs to be done. Who knows...maybe one day those feelings will return but right now there are none. It's very difficult to deal with all of this but I'm holding it together as best I can. Thanks to everyone for being here for me. This has been a great place to vent, get advice and I have made some pretty good friends here. Pray that things continue to go smoothly and it doesn't get ugly. I would hate for this to turn into something that it doesn't have to.

Thanks guys!

Tina,

My prayers are with you. It will be tough at first but you are a strong person. You have thought this out and didn't make a rash decision. Good luck with everything. If you need to chat e-mail me. I am here for you.

[BethFromVA 5]

You know, Tina, when you had that revelation at the beginniing of the year where you started to really FEEL -- I had hoped that would be a true turning point for you, whatever road the results took you down, whether it be forever reconciliation or separation. You had to fall in love with yourself to realize maybe you deserve better. I think the biggest thing about us when we are fat is that we don't care about ourselves. That allows us to be mistreated by others because we believe we don't deserve better.

You had this epiphany a month or so, and I believe you grew in the realization that you are a wonderful person who deserves the best life can give you. Though separation and/or divorce should never be glamorized or celebrated, doing what is best for ourselves should be commended.

[mumof2boys 71]

OK guys...I need some strong vibes sent my way. The weekend was very ackward. He was acting as if we didn't have a conversation. I am to the point where I really don't know what to do. And...on top of that I feel like I don't have my mothers support. I was full of anxieties and depression this weekend because everything is so strange to me. We have counseling tomorrow night and I plan to discuss this and only this. I don't know how else to say what I said...does he not understand that I think we need a seperation? What's the deal? Any suggestions?