Betrayal is a BITCH

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Just had to post this...

I just finished reading a book by Rev. T.D. Jakes called "Before You Do" in it, he discussed his "80/20 Rule" which was used in Tyler Perry's movie "Why Did I Get Married?".

His theory is that when we marry, we are looking for someone who has 100 percent to contribute to us and to the marriage. This perfect person does not exist, and at best, our flawed, human spouses can bring as much as 80 percent of what we need to a marriage.

Sometimes this is enough, but over time, you (in this case, the man) begins to see the effects of time and maturity, and longs for the other 20 percent. He can become more aware of what he thinks he's missing and starts looking. When you're looking for something, you usually find it, so he encounters someone who seems to have it all. This perception is an illusion...the other person doesn't have 100 percent either. They have the 20 percent that you feel you're not getting from the spouse at home.

That's why affairs come with such a rush of passion and romance, idealism and inspiration. It's only when they really get to know the other person (if they ever do) that they realize it's fool's gold - all glitter and little substance - and by that time, it may be too late. They've gotten stuck with their 20-percenter, and lost the chance to keep the 80-percenter.

The relationship can continue - it's just a matter of HOW it will continue. Will you "endure" or can you get back to "enjoy"? I've answered this question by deciding to "enjoy"...I have made it clear that I'm going to ask questions and probe for answers. :w00t: I will no longer allow him to change the subject or "decide" he doesn't want to talk about it, and I will not settle for vague answers. :cool2: If he wants this relationship, this marriage to continue, then he's got to open up.

It's not easy for him to do, and it won't be easy for me to hear, but I'm committed to this decision. Meanwhile, I'm doing what Jleemc is doing - making sure I don't need him financially and building my future. If it doesn't work out, I'll be ready. If it does work out, I'll still be ready. :smile:

My hubby and I are at a crossroads...my youngest graduates high school next summer, and that will be the deciding point. He knows he's on probation - he'd rather just forget about it, but I'm not ready to do that yet...I want to stay with him, yet the memories of his betrayal (minor though it may seem to some) are still very fresh and hurtful. :frown:

Only time will tell...

[mumof2boys 71]

Hi everyone...just thought that I would give a quick update as to where I'm at these days. I'm still on this roller coaster called "crazy". One minute I'm great and the next I'm crying. My doctor has upped my dose of anti-depressants in hopes of helping me to stop crying so much. My husband and I went to his 20th high school reunion this past weekend and I must admit...we had a fabulous time. I was feeling hot in the dress that I was wearing and I was just beaming with confidence. I didn't think about my "reality" at all. We didn't get home until 7:30 am Sunday morning. So...needless to say, I partied like a rock star (and gained 7 pounds from the White Russians).

So...that's where I'm at right now. Still going up and down. I'm slowly still learning information about his affair and whenever I learn something new, it sets me back and I feel the hurt and pain all over again. I'm trying to cope and I'm trying to stay strong and I have to admit that he is certainly doing everything in his power to make it better for me. Unfortunately we cannot erase what he has done so I have to do my best to deal with it, get past it and/or move on.

Thanks to everyone for all the PMs, prayers, suggestions and for letting my vents. You guys rock.

[lipstix64 1]

Tina- Take a deep breath and breathe!! First, you need counseling by yourself and then you can try to repair this, if you want. Believe me, there is no excuse, but think about things for a while before you do anything. I know the anger, betrayal and mistrust you feel. Its normal. Now, Im not saying you should stay with a chronic cheater who had many girlfriends and sex partners, but you need to find out if this is the only one and find out the reason and go from there. You will survive this, believe me.

[tapshoes 2]

Tina

Thanks for the update; I do wonder how things are going, but hate to ask. I know that this is a very trying difficult process, and I am glad that you are working with the physician in finding appropriate meds to help you.

My thoughts are with you.

[green 6]

People who screw up once are quite different from chronic offenders.

[mumof2boys 71]

Hello everyone. I know it's been a very long time. I have been trying to get my life back together and I haven't been on the site much lately. My weight is the same...I have about 7 more pounds to go until I will be absolutely beside myself. Right now I'm fitting into a size 8/10 and loving every single minute of it.

Anyway...back to the topic at hand. Let me tell you all about the last month. My husband has been the most wonderful person on this planet. I have no idea who he is. He has completely changed and of course I'm scared to death that it won't last. We have been going out on dates and we have been getting along very well and communicating regularly. We still go to counseling and have a lot to work out. The bad thing...I cannot get the past out of my mind for one second of a day.

I have seen a picture of the other woman and let me just tell you...YUCK!!! Looking at that picture, I realize that it would have been ANYBODY. She is not cute at all and I'm not just saying that. Believe me when I say that I have NEVER said anything like this before, but...I am sooooo much hotter than her. lol So...not only is she a low-life, no good for nothing home wrecking whore, she's ugly on top of that. Don't get my wrong...my husband is a home wrecker too. I just get to remind him everyday of it and I don't get to remind her so I just get to say it to make myself feel better.

I hope that everyone is doing well and surviving through the holidays. I'm not ready for Christmas at all this year. Usually I am completely done shopping and wrapping by now. I'm very far behind...I guess you could say that 2008 wasn't the best year for me.

Well...thanks for all of the well wishes. I will continue to keep you guys informed as this soap opera unfolds.

Take care everyone!!!

[TheGh0st 9]

Glad you're doing well.

I'm just as bad with the presents. This year just seems to have been one crisis after another with no time to catch one's breath.

[ColoradoChick 33]

I have seen a picture of the other woman and let me just tell you...YUCK!!! Looking at that picture, I realize that it would have been ANYBODY. She is not cute at all and I'm not just saying that. Believe me when I say that I have NEVER said anything like this before, but...I am sooooo much hotter than her. lol So...not only is she a low-life, no good for nothing home wrecking whore, she's ugly on top of that. Don't get my wrong...my husband is a home wrecker too. I just get to remind him everyday of it and I don't get to remind her so I just get to say it to make myself feel better.

My first husband had many girlfriends and I was always surprised at their looks!

Hang in there it sounds like things are going good! I hope your husband keeps up the good behavior!

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

'Morning Ladies,

I'm so glad to hear from you, Tina, and to hear that things are going well for you and your hubby. Don't stress yourself out about the holidays - with the year you've been through, it's no wonder it hasn't been "top of mind" so to speak.

Something in your message caught my eye:

I have seen a picture of the other woman and let me just tell you...YUCK!!! Looking at that picture, I realize that it would have been ANYBODY. She is not cute at all and I'm not just saying that. Believe me when I say that I have NEVER said anything like this before, but...I am sooooo much hotter than her. lol So...not only is she a low-life, no good for nothing home wrecking whore, she's ugly on top of that.

Isn't it just too strange? I've seen the websites that my husband bookmarked, and the women on those sites look NOTHING like me - NOTHING! Even at my worst, I think I was better looking than them - they look like circus freaks with very oversized breasts and butts and I just don't get it.

He's been a lot better - we talk more, he has stayed off the sites, and no more unusual phone calls. I'm still healing - in more ways than one - and he's still on probation. Like you, I'm still kind of expecting that something may go wrong. I think that will be the biggest hurdle - my expectations.

That old saying "Be careful what you wish for" comes to mind...not that I'm wishing for him to mess up, but by having it on my mind so much, the energy is out there in the universe and I definately DON'T want to attract that!

Hang in there Tina - I pray that things continue to improve for you and your hubby. Have a wonderful holiday season, and please keep checking in to let us all (your virtual sisters) know how you are doing.:smile2:

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Tina

I am so happy for you that things are going well. Just don't be worried it won't last, take it as it is. Some men do change! :cursing:

Hugs and Kisses!

[mumof2boys 71]

Thanks everyone. I just can't wait for the day that I can go through an entire day without thinking about it. It truly does consume me. I'm no longer obsessed with what she looks like since I have finally seen her picture...I'm just obessed with thinking..."This time last year he was..." Plus...with the holidays coming I can't help but think that the last couple of years have been a lie and it's killing me.

[Firedad53073 4]

Thanks everyone. I just can't wait for the day that I can go through an entire day without thinking about it. It truly does consume me. I'm no longer obsessed with what she looks like since I have finally seen her picture...I'm just obessed with thinking..."This time last year he was..." Plus...with the holidays coming I can't help but think that the last couple of years have been a lie and it's killing me.

I am so sorry to hear what you have been forced to go through. That is the hardest thing in the world to deal with.

I wish you all of the best and you and your family are in my prayers. I have been through something very simular and would not wish that on anyone.

[mumof2boys 71]

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. You are right, it is the most difficult thing that someone can go through. I don't wish it upon anyone (except the other woman). I really don't think that spouses understand the true pain behind it all. They say that they do after the fact but in reality, there is no way that they can understand it to the fullest. I am sorry to hear that you have had to deal with a similiar situation. I hope that you got through everything alright.

[BethFromVA 5]

I give you a lot of credit for staying. I couldn't do it.

[mumof2boys 71]

It is very hard and I have always been that person that said that cheating was a "deal breaker" and then I'm faced with it and I looked into my innocent kids eyes and I couldn't give up without trying. I have learned things about my husband that I had no idea about. He has issues to work through and so do we as a couple. Believe me...It was not an esay decision to make.