Betrayal is a BITCH

[newhope4me 0]

In regards to telling her spouse, since this is your decision, if you do decide to tell him, you must be prepared for every possibility it could go.

This could start your pain all over again. Some spouses are not ready to accept the truth. I would hate for him to throw that pain back on you for telling him and his refusal to accept it, and try to blame you for upsetting his "perfect life." I've seen this happen.

Also, if she is staying out of your life and not harrassing you any longer, that could restart.

I say that I would want to know, but how can I know for sure. Would i accept the truth?

I think you have been strong thus far and you are doing things logically, especially since you have kids involved.

It is easier for all of us to give advice, even those of us who have been through this (1st husband was a jerk!), but only you can make the decisions here.

I know what I always try to do is think about how I would want my daughter to do in the same circumstances, since I try to be a good example for her. Since you have boys (I have 2), they will see your pain and maybe not know exactly what is going on, but they see you being strong for your family. That is a great strength to teach them.

I know it's hard, and it's a long road, but eventually, life does get better. And remember God (and hope you aren't offended by this) doesn't give us more than we can handle.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I think it takes time to forgive and while it does need to happen I don't think it can happen anytime soon.

I honestly believe telling her spouse will hurt you more than anyone. You will be cutting open wounds that you want to heal. If you keep cutting them open like that it will never happen.

I do understand that you want to tell him, but like someone else said it is not your marriage, nor do you know if HE would want to know. Chances are he does know already, even if no one else on earth knows he does.

I think telling him is not a good choice for you. You need to heal, you need to move on, you need to focus on YOU not her, her husband or at this point your husband. You need to take care of YOU!

[mumof2boys 71]

Thanks everyone. I have had a rough couple of days but today I feel like a new person. After many, many tears and screams last night I think that I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to move on. I do not think that my husband understands the devastation that he has caused and he is not giving it the attention that it needs. I don't think that he will ever truly change, nor do I think that he "truly" wants to be with me. I think that he feels it's the right thing to do. I think that he would rather be with anyone who will take him (sexually) rather than a committed marriage. I cannot deal with that and I cannot go out in public with him feeling comfortable in my own skin knowing that he is thinking about having sex with every woman in the room. I need to be his focus of attention and I'm not. I need to be his queen and I'm not. He may disagree with me but that's how I feel. I have advised him time and time again that at this point in my life, I need reassurance every moment of every day that this is truly what he wants and I just don't feel it from him. I can raise my kids by myself and they will have a happy, healthy life. I feel strong today...who knows what tomorrow will bring.

[MicheleK 8]

It sounds to me like you're starting to heal. Stay strong, you'll do the right thing...for YOU.

[Gone4Now 4]

Mum - Way to go! I'm so sorry for your stuggle, but you sound strong and determined! It also sounds like you're at peace with your decision(based on the feeling I get from your post).

Your boys will be fine and YOU will be fine.

:thumbup:

[LaMonica 6]

Good morning Tina....it's been a while since I've been in here but I think about you all the time. Trust that the emotional rollercoaster you are on is completely normal, and at the same time doesn't make sense. Don't try to understand all the thoughts that run through your head, just accept them. My DH claims he is "trying" to do the right thing and everything appears to be so....but his other woman is at his school and they are out for the summer...so I'm counting down to the school year. Some days are absolutely great...and other days I cry all night long. It's been just over 6 months since I found out about the sexual and emotional affair and while I'm at peace with a lot of things I'm still not at peace about the direction of my marriage. So you are not alone. It sounds like you are doing everything right, keeping blame in the right place, etc.

As for telling her husband...I say no. Don't be consumed with her marriage. I didn't tell the other woman's husband and I know she lives in fear EVERY DAY that I will. So by not telling him she is more tormented than if I just told him. If she wants to continue living a lie and dragging herself into the pits of hell...I'm not going to be her escape. She is not worth my time. Like most have said keep your focus on YOU then your BOYS then that HUSBAND. IN THAT ORDER. It's not being selfish...it's taking care of yourself. We are here for you!!!!!

~LaMonica

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Tina

I am glad to hear that you are strong and ready to do what is right for you and the boys! I think you are strong and now that you know what you want you will stay that way! You can do this, as much as it sucks! You do deserve to be the queen that you are, I am sorry for him that he doesn't see it. Some men are just to blind to see what they have until it is gone! Good luck and I am here when ever you need me! Don't be afraid to call me!

[catzintj 1]

i think you are facing big decisions with big consequences. it may be a good idea to write down all your feelings and what you plan to do. but,,, maybe wait a while before you do anything. the emotions you are going through are driving you. you want to make decisions based on intelligence not emotions......... i am in now way saying you should tolerate your situation, just take time ......... take care of yourself and i hope things get better for you.

[mumof2boys 71]

Hello everyone. I have had a couple of good days. Yeah me!!! Last nights therapy went well and he's finally beginning to open up. For some reason he's scared to talk to me but he's starting to feel more comfortable to talk in front of someone. That's a little refreshing but I'm still worried that there is so much more to all of this that I don't know about yet. I guess only time will tell. Plus...my shrink upped my dose so I think that my moods are starting to mellow out and get level (hopefully). My rage fits scare me...I can only imagine what they do to him.

On another note...went for a fill this morning so I'm on the lovely liquids for a while. I told the doctor that I want to get my tummy cut off and he FINALLY gave me a card for someone to call. He wouldn't do that before but since I'm getting really close to my goal he was willing to give me a name. Woo Hoo...Wish me luck on these last 20-25 pounds. He said once I level off for about 3-6 months that would be a good time to go for plastic surgery. I'm thinking that this will be my last fill for a while. I haven't had a fill in almost 6 months so I should be real good with this one.

I want to thank everyone for being here for me during this very difficult time (Boo Boo...I will probably give you a call sometime...thanks). Everyone is so very supportive and I truly appreciate it all. You really have no idea.

Well...thanks again and let's keep this thing rolling...I will need support for a LONG time.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Tina

I am glad things are going better for you! I wish you the very best for you and the boys. I am here anytime sweetie!

Many hugs!

[HarleyNana 10]

Tina, just a note to let you know I'm still here for you.

Hugs to you and your family.

[suzyt 0]

Hi Tina,

I've been keeping up with your situation and I thought of you last night while watching Dr. Phil. He had a husband who had cheated on his wife and he kept telling the husband that you need to do whatever your wife needs you to do for as long as she needs you to to help her get through this. And kept emphasizing the whatever and as long as she needs!!

I am quite sure there are more like me who read your story and are pulling for you, but don't have anything different to offer. But we are here for you nonetheless!!

Keep strong!!

Suzanne

[mumof2boys 71]

Good morning friends. Thanks again for being here for me. You all have NO idea what it means to me.

OK...me and hubby had a long, emotional talk last night. It was refreshing and I think that we may be beginning to get somewhere. My husband is not a very good communicater and that is something that he is working on. I know that he has trouble with it so I'm being very patient. I do think that he's very sorry for what he has done and he's trying to figure out why he let himself get to that point. He has told me that he never intended to leave me, he did not want to replace me. Believe me...we have a very long road ahead of us that is going to take patience.

I thank everyone for being so wonderful to me and for anyone else who is going through this like I am...hang in there...do what you have to do to make yourself feel better.

So...on another note...this morning I was 159. Woo Hoo...I wanted to get out of the 160s so bad and I'm there. I'm 19 pounds from my goal. I'm determined to get there and get there soon. Keep rooting for me.

Thanks again!!!

[TheGh0st 9]

Congratulations on the scale and the conversation with your husband. You are in my prayers. And the fact you can keep that scale moving despite what is going on makes you an inspiration to me.

[TheGh0st 9]

Tina, I've been thinking and praying about you a lot recently. But haven't heard anything. How are you doing?