Betrayal is a BITCH

[mumof2boys 71]

Hey there everyone. Thanks for all of the prayers and words of wisdom. Yesterday I had an alright day because I tried to not let it bother me and I went on about my business. This morning, on the other hand...I'm having anxieties. I think it's because I'm going over to his work to meet him and an old neighbor of ours for lunch. The other woman used to work there and I know that his co-workers have to know that he was having an affair and if they see me, I'm going to feel like such a fool. UUUUGGGHHH.

[BANDIT GIRL 1]

Hey there everyone. Thanks for all of the prayers and words of wisdom. Yesterday I had an alright day because I tried to not let it bother me and I went on about my business. This morning, on the other hand...I'm having anxieties. I think it's because I'm going over to his work to meet him and an old neighbor of ours for lunch. The other woman used to work there and I know that his co-workers have to know that he was having an affair and if they see me, I'm going to feel like such a fool. UUUUGGGHHH.

so ya know what i say......don't go. don't do it if you feel like that. don't let him or anyone else judge you or make you feel like a fool ( you are NOT a fool) he is the fool!! you shouldn't let him drag you into something that only he should feel like a fool for doing. what ever you do , do it for you and what makes you feel good about yourself. and i read your earlier post about about being a surviver.......i am proud of you as a fellow woman who has suffered the same heartbreak for getting through it and becoming a survivor!! you can do it!!!

[mumof2boys 71]

Hi there everyone. I have been laying low for a bit. I'm still discovering things about my husband that are completely devastating to me. I feel like I'm married to a murdered and don't even know it. You know what I'm talking about...you watch it on Lifetime all the time...the cops come to the door and arrest the husband for some crime and the wife is crying..."no...he didn't do it" and you say to yourself..."like you didn't know what was going on". Well...that's how I feel...like I don't know this man who is in my house. It's a horrible feeling and I find myself asking myself...why are you trying to make this work? Are you really willing to get past all of this crap? Do you really think that you will truly be happy with this man? Will you ever really trust him? Damn...can't they make this stuff easy for us? Why oh why do people cheat?????

[TheGh0st 9]

I wish I could reach through and give you a hug and or b!##-slap that "man". Why can't they see how badly this is going to effect their wives and children when they do stupid sh## like this?

Leave, Stay, whatever you decide just hang in there Tina, and know that we are all here for you.

[droppindown 0]

I am so sorry for your pain, this is totally UNFAIR! I suggest you go do something you have always wanted to do. Take your boys to Disney land, dye your hair, get a tattoo, something you always wanted to do, but never did for yourself. Leave your "husband" out of it. Go spend a large amount of money on YOU! Good Luck and be strong, use your anger to fuel a better you.

[TheGh0st 9]

I am so sorry for your pain, this is totally UNFAIR! I suggest you go do something you have always wanted to do. Take your boys to Disney land, dye your hair, get a tattoo, something you always wanted to do, but never did for yourself. Leave your "husband" out of it. Go spend a large amount of money on YOU! Good Luck and be strong, use your anger to fuel a better you.

YES YES YES!!!! I don't care how tight your finances are or aren't. Charge it to plastic or whatever you must but this is a GREAT idea. You really need some time for yourself either with or without the boys but NO HUSBAND ALLOWED. Wether things work out with the husband or not, you can leave it to him to figure out how its going to be paid off.

Shoot I wish I'd thought of it earlier I would have begged you to jump on a plane tomorrow and join me and a few friends on a trip to Vegas we're taking this weekend. Let him spend a weekend worrying about what you were up to for a change. Ha! (Well on second thought, that joke would only be funny, if it weren't so sad, sorry.)

[mumof2boys 71]

No you did not just say that you are going to Vegas this weekend. Damn...I would love that. It's my favorite place on the earth (his too). I did just buy some plane tickets to go to Orlando next month and take the boys to Disney World. However...I bought a ticket for him too. The reason...I'm going for work for a conference. So...I can't be with the boys during the day. We're staying a couple of extra days and going to the parks. My oldest sons birthday is when we will be there so I thought it was the perfect opportunity. I do go out and do things by myself. This past weekend I went out to a bar by myself. Left the house with my jeans mini skirt and spandex top, looking pretty good. I had a blast. Plus...a couple of weeks after finding out, I went to Delaware to the outlets for shopping. I spent about $700. I plan on doing more of that too (since my clothes seem to be getting too big again).

Funny story (not really...) I just went to Vegas in March and I took my mom because my husband said that he couldn't get off of work and we didn't have the money for it. Guess when the last time he met up with the whore??? March...he said that it wasn't when I was out of town but I don't believe a word out of his mouth. I have to say...he told me that she would get mad at him because he wouldn't meet her on the weekends and she asked him to go on a business trip to Arizona with her and he said "no". He didn't spend any of his "family" time with her. I think she was more of a cheap whore that he hooked up with while at work. It doesn't make it any easier, still very wrong but I don't think that she meant anything to him. I think that she was available and easy and that was that. She's a dirty rotten whore. One question...I have her husbands cell phone number. I'm dying to call him but don't know what to say. What do I do?

[TheGh0st 9]

No you did not just say that you are going to Vegas this weekend. Damn...

YUP, leaving at 4am tomorrow morning. No DH either I am so looking forward to it!

...I have her husbands cell phone number. I'm dying to call him but don't know what to say. What do I do?

It all boils down to the motive. I don't think it matters if part of you wants to do it to lash out just to hurt her but if you expect it to make you feel "better" whatever that means, it won't and therefore the disappointment when you don't feel better may make it not worth the added drama. However, if there is a part of you that feels somehow like your not telling him is helping her get away with it, then by all means tell him. Why in the world should you risk any feelings of guilt by association for the tramp?

[Phoenix 2]

Vegas does sound like fun! So does $700 for new clothes!

Tina, you're going to get through this. Please stop beating yourself up. And please stop holding "the whore" responsible. It's wasted energy It can't help you reach your goal: getting to a place where you can trust your partner.

DH put his weiner in the wrong place. DH put his emotions in the wrong place. DH holds the responsibility bucket. He's no victim.

If you keep holding "the whore" responsible, then DH can, too. He will take the easy way out and blame her instead of himself -- it's too much easier to be "the victim" and blame her rather than be the dude who put his weiner in the wrong place. How does demonizing her help with his promises to make things right again?

He's already telling you what a "good guy" he was for NOT going to AZ to fool around....for not stepping out on "family time." See? He's not THAT bad. Seriously.

He put his weiner where he wanted to put his weiner when he got the opportunity to put it there. No reason you should have seen it coming.

You won't trust him until he owns that.

[pearlygirl 1]

Please stop beating yourself up. And please stop holding "the whore" responsible. It's wasted energy It can't help you reach your goal: getting to a place where you can trust your partner.

DH put his weiner in the wrong place. DH put his emotions in the wrong place. DH holds the responsibility bucket. He's no victim.

If you keep holding "the whore" responsible, then DH can, too. He will take the easy way out and blame her instead of himself -- it's too much easier to be "the victim" and blame her rather than be the dude who put his weiner in the wrong place. How does demonizing her help with his promises to make things right again?

He's already telling you what a "good guy" he was for NOT going to AZ to fool around....for not stepping out on "family time." See? He's not THAT bad. Seriously.

He put his weiner where he wanted to put his weiner when he got the opportunity to put it there. No reason you should have seen it coming.

You won't trust him until he owns that.

I think this is right on. It is awful that your DH did what he did. It is awful that this woman didn't mind that he was married. Honestly though, her responsibility was not to you or your marriage. That was your DH's job. HE is the one who didn't keep his promises and vows. HE is the one that cheated on you and your family. HE is the dirty whore. I am not condoning sleeping with a married man by any means but it was your DH's responsibility to do the right thing.

Maybe it is easier to be so angry and put so much blame on her but it belongs with your DH. He betrayed you, not her.

I am not trying to be cold or rude. You certainly have my sympathy and my heart aches for what you've been going through. I really encourage you to seek couseling both for you alone and marriage counseling. It is very important(especially with kids) that you both are able to sort through all of these feelings in a healthy and safe way. Maybe you already are, I haven't read through the entire thread.

Good luck to you!

[pearlygirl 1]

Oh, and about calling the woman's DH, my vote is no. Her marriage is not your issue. You really need to focus your energy on you, your kids, your husband and your marriage.

I do understand the whole aspect of feeling like you've accomplished soemthing by making things worse for her. Honestly though, it isn't going to make you trust your husband, it isn't going to make your kids safe from all of this emotional drama, it isn't going to suddenly make you happy. Just concentrate on your own family.

[MicheleK 8]

I'm so sorry for all you're going through...my ex-husband was a horrible alcoholic. His "whore" was whiskey, he was abusive and terrible I finally got the courage to leave him, and it was the best thing I've ever done. (I kept wishing he's find a mistress...but, nobody else wanted him either!)

I want you to know that I'm praying for your situation. I really hope that either way it goes, it's the best for YOU. I realize children are involved, but please don't stay in an unhappy marriage for only the children's benefit. They will know you're miserable regardless of how much you try to hide the fact.

As far as calling the other woman's husband...please think long and hard about it. People are nuts, and quite frankly if she was crazy enough to call your BOSS she might be crazy enough to do something else. I just don't want you to put yourself or your family at risk.

Take care.

[mumof2boys 71]

Thanks, everyone. Believe me when I say that my anger is definitely aimed toward my husband. My intentions in calling her husband has nothing to do with hurting her. I strongly feel that he has a right to know what is going on in his marriage. I only wish that someone had told me. I am not blaming her completely for what happened. I do, however, believe that some of the blame rest on her shoulders as well because she knew full well that he was married. I think that both of them are horrible, horrible people for what they have done. I take no blame off of my husband. He made his own decisions and now he must face the consequences. I thought that each day would get better but it just doesn't seem to be working out that way. I am really having a hard time with all of this. We are in therapy and it's alright, but I just don't know if I can ever get past this. It's just the most horrible feeling that I have ever had. I am still in great shock and still can't believe that any of this has happened to me. I have been with him for almost half of my life and I feel like I don't know him at all. I feel that he is truly trying to save the marriage but for some reason I just feel that there is so much more that I don't know and that the secrets are just going to kill me. Not one minute of one day goes by when I don't think about this. It has totally consumed everything about me. 24/7...all I think about is him and her. I also think about how it is so easy for him to lie to me and how I think that he will do it again. Do people ever really change?

[Gone4Now 4]

My vote on the call would be "yes". Only for the reason that if it were me, I'd want to know.

I'd also leave his butt. If you can't get past it, and therapy isn't helping, then you'll never have the relationship you thought you did.

I cheated on my first bf (high school sweetheart, on-again off-again) and on the off-agains I always found someone new.

We finally got back together for about a year at the end, but he couldn't get past it. He was always asking questions about it...and getting mad at me for other stuff.

Finally, he broke up with me because he couldn't trust me. I am glad he did, really. We are better friends, and the relationship was just bottoming out. It never got better.

A couple years later, I was with someone who cheated on me. I found myself in the same situation as my ex, and I understood 100%. If you can't trust the other person, then there IS NO relationship. You need that trust or else you feel like you're with a stranger.

I know you have a lot vested in this. Are you chosing to stay with him? undecided?

Can you move out for a while? You do need some "me time", and time to step away from it. When something consumes you like this is, you can never get past it.

You HAVE to either forgive it, and trust him again or leave him for good.

[Nanook 2]

Mumof2boys,

I really feel for you and can't imagine the pain you're in. I hope you get some resolve soon so that you can start living your life again. Also hope you do find a way to deal with this as it can't be doing you any good to feel such stress inside. Take care, Nanook!:wink_smile: