Betrayal is a BITCH

[mumof2boys 71]

Hey there...didn't post anything yesterday because I was on a field trip with my oldest son. I think that I really needed that. It took my mind off of it for a while. I only had to take one Xanax yesterday. My husband called me several times throughout the day (from a land-line), reassuring me that he WAS at work. I have to admit he is truly trying. I have never seen this side of him. He has invited me to go out of town with him for our anniversary. Although I don't feel like there's anything to Celebrate, I'm going with him. It sucks because I wanted our 10 year anniversary to be much different then it's going to end up being, but I'll make the best of it.

I cannot believe how many people have been through this horrible experience. For those that have, I have a question. The other woman (I have other words for her, but I'll be nice today) told my husband that her husband found out and that's why my husband ended up telling me (he thought her husband was going to tell me). Anyway...I think she's telling a huge lie. I have found her husbands cell phone number and I called it to confirm it was his. It went to voice mail and sure enough...it's him. So...here's my question...do I tell him? Do I talk to him about it? They have three children together. If he doesn't know I think that he has a right to know. I would also like for HER to feel some of the pain that I am going through. I don't want her children to suffer but I have a feeling that my husband wasn't her first affair and I'm sure it won't be her last. Plus...she gets a huge kick out of hurting me by saying aweful things to me and laughing at me. So...do I call and talk to him? What do I say? How do I begin the conversation? I'm so nervous I could vomit. Any and all suggestions are welcome!!! Thanks guys...you rock!

[erikadawn 0]

Please tell him The way I feel Its like you have no problem messing uo my home life . I understand that she has children but so do you. it did not stop either one of them. i am currently going through the same thing, her boyfriend is in jail, I cant wait to see him. Deal with what you have done is how I feel.

[Phoenix 2]

No.

You don't punish the innocent with a group spanking to get at the one you want to punish. Rip apart a family on purpose? Put people who don't have it coming in that kind of pain out of spite? That would make you as awful as the interloper. It would be worse than your husband's betrayal because you'd be dumping your kind of pain on 4 others out of spite. You don't seem like that kind of person.

Your husband had the responsibility to remain true to you. Your husband is responsible where he puts his weiner. No one else, just him.

He messed up badly. He's sorry. He's doing what he needs to do to make your family okay again. Focus on that. She's a red herring...a really stinky one.

[LaMonica 6]

Hey Tina just checking in on you...I'm glad that you seem to be making small progresses as each day goes on. My heart goes out to you! As I said this just happened to me also but I believe I will be filing for divorce. I don't have the remorse and turning around of behaviors that you are getting right now. I believe your marriage has a lot of potential and be thankful for the small things. The rollercoaster will be ongoing but you will learn some control. Everything you are feeling is normal, don't let anyone tell you different. I am so glad for this thread, not of the circumstance but because of the positivity from everyone. Remember you are NOT alone and this is a great help just to see the support that YOU have for ME. I still cry....but I read what people write and I know it won't be like this forever. Keep us updated on your progress girlie

[Robin Bird 0]

Hi Tina,

Your situation totally sucks and I'm really sorry you're going through it. With regard to telling the husband: if it was me I'd want to know, rather than walking around clueless of what's going on right under my nose. He has a right to know what kind of lowlife he is married to. JUST MY OPINION.

This is obviously none of my business, but on a practical note: make sure he has been tested for every STD in the book before you'd be intimate again (just thinking about the going-away-for-the-anniversary thing). Again, just my opinion. Best of the best luck to you in dealing with this nightmare.

Robin

[HarleyNana 10]

Shall we do a poll, to tell him or not to tell him...

Yes...X, he has the right to know and the B needs to realize there are consequences.

No....

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Tina

I am torn on this. I would want to know if it was me, however I don't think hurting her husband will make you feel any better, and could honestly make you feel worse!

I wouldn't call him. He will find out someday what she is like, she can't hide who she is forever. The truth always comes out in the end. I think to protect yourself you shouldn't do it. You also don't know what she will do or what the husband is capable of. Probly not what you wanted to hear, but I think it is best to not go down that road, no matter how tempting it may be!

[Scarlett O'hara 0]

I agree with BooBoo. No sense in telling him, and it won't make you feel better.

Making your marriage better and stronger is the best revenge you can get!

[newhope4me 0]

In my situation, I did tell the other woman's fiance. I sent him a letter, because she had the balls to send us a wedding invitation. I sent a letter to him, stating that she must have finally found someone who would leave his wife for her skanky ass. I told him everything that my husband (1st husband, not present) had told me happened.

But it bit me in the ass. She mailed something back to me, blaming me for my ex's infidelity, that if i had been a better wife or something basically to that effect if would not have happened. That hurt, it stung so bad, that it was like going through the whole thing again. Mainly because in those days i was so naive and stupid, i did everything he wanted, everything, except join him in the drugs.

Come to find out her fiance knew. He knew everything, probably joined in on the party w/ them sometimes.

Your man doesn't sound like he's anything like what my ex was, but you do have to think about the reaction of her husband. If this isnt her first time, maybe he does know and just is staying for the kids or he "allows" her this. Some relationships are difficult to understand. How would you feel if you did tell him and he responds negatively towards you for telling him or whatever reason. I would hate for you to go through that on top of what you are already feeling.

[mumof2boys 71]

OK...the reason that I "want" to tell him is because I wish someone would have told me. Perhaps it wouldn't have gone on as long as it did and things would be better for me now. Plus...SHE informed my husband that her huband already knows. I think that she's lying and was attempting to get my husband to leave me to be with her (fat chance). Anyway...I don't want to hurt anyone. The pain that I have endured from this aweful experience, I do not wish upon anyone. However, I just feel that he has a right to know. I don't know what I would say to him and I still don't know what I'm going to do. So...I'm still undecided.

[TheGh0st 9]

I would also want to know if I were the other spouse. But I agree that it probably won't make you feel any better to tell him. Though I wonder at that, as if it were me I think a small part of me would feel that by being quiet I was somehow an accessory after the fact. Which wouldn't make me feel very good. With that mindset I would feel compelled to tell him even if it backfired on me like some of the others have mentioned by him or his dreadfull wife shooting back even more hurtful comments.

I haven't had this happen to me yet (that I know of) but I was in a similar tell or don't tell dilema back in my early 20's while dealing with some old attempted child abuse issues. I had a hard time deciding whether to tell or not tell my cousins about what their father had tried to do to me and my sister as children. I didn't want to start a family war but on the other hand I didn't want to feel somehow party to some code of shameful silence that might allow him to make attempts on his grandchildren who were now approaching the same age as my sister and I were.

It was not an easy decision, in the end I did tell them what happened to me. I didn't press charges and I didn't tell them I thought they should shun their father or keep their children away from him I only suggested that they keep a close eye on their chidren around him. Some of my cousins were more accepting of the fact that I wasn't trying to hurt them or their parents, I was only trying to help stop thier children from going through what I went through. But a couple others won't talk to me this day.

[luluc 6]

OK...the reason that I "want" to tell him is because I wish someone would have told me. Perhaps it wouldn't have gone on as long as it did and things would be better for me now. Plus...SHE informed my husband that her huband already knows. I think that she's lying and was attempting to get my husband to leave me to be with her (fat chance). Anyway...I don't want to hurt anyone. The pain that I have endured from this aweful experience, I do not wish upon anyone. However, I just feel that he has a right to know. I don't know what I would say to him and I still don't know what I'm going to do. So...I'm still undecided.

I bet he already knows. She may very well be lying to your husband, so to shield her family drama, however her husband can be the type to pretend this isn't happening and move right along. Sounds weird, but there are those that like to live w/a level of ignorance.

My husband and I were caught between an affair with his best friend, and mine (each married to separate individuals). It was not fun - especially when the spouses kept hounding us if we knew something was up. We made a deal that we weren't going to be the ones to "fess up" - it was their deal not ours & we made them tell their spouses. The wife went nuts & took him for all he was worth (and he was worth some) - The husband wanted to forget it & move on ; stay w/my BF. She wanted no part of it - so she divorced & our friends are now married 5yrs.

It hurt my husbands BF harder because he had teenage sons, that are just NOW starting to have a relationship w/him. My friend had no kids.....

The impact an affair has on a family is Huge! I respect you trying to work things through, only time will let you know if you can actually move forward w/your husband. All the best to you!

[TheGh0st 9]

I respect Luluc's response and thing in her case the better outcome was reached (of her friends telling their spouses themselves instead of her and/or her husband telling the spouses) But I just was thrown into the middle of something similar today and took a different route that I am now praying doesn't bite me in the proverbial butt.

We have an outside salesman here that works on commission but has a company phone. His wife who is a casual friend of mine called yesterday to say she is afraid he is having an affair and using our company phone to hide his calls from her. She begged me to give her a copy of his most recent phone bill promising she would destroy it as soon as she saw it and that she wouldn't tell him she ever saw it. Knowing if it were me I'd want someone to be willing to give me the same info on my husband I went ahead and gave her the info. Now I'm just a bit panicked that it could go horribly wrong. I doubt I'd lose my job over it, and even if I did I still feel that I'd rather risk my job than help a cheater hide his infidelity but I am definitely not looking forward to any possible drama if it gets out that I helped her.

[HarleyNana 10]

Diane, probably should have thought that through a little earlier, hope it doesn't come back to bite you in the a$$. Anger is powerful and hopefully she will remember the promise. I know if one of my employees did that I'd be worried about the "privacy act" coming back on me, which could be a lawsuit. Did she find what she was looking for?

[TheGh0st 9]

Sadly, yes. She already suspected it was one of her friends and there were several lengthy calls originating from both parties. However, phone calls don't really prove infidelity especially with it being a mutual friend. I just hopes she destroys the "evidence" as she promised before he stumbles on it.

Turns out she also asked one of the men here that she is friends with and he was nosing around looking for the phone records. I got him to fess up to why he was looking without telling them what I knew first, so if I hadn't given them to her someone else would have.