Betrayal is a BITCH

[Phoenix 2]

I'm so sorry. Been there. I'm going to give you the Cliff's Notes from my experience. Maybe it will help.

His affair wasn't about you. He should have been thinking about you, You were reason enough NOT to do what he did. But he was compartmentalizing "the rest of his life" away from the affair. It was selfish on his part. He did it because his ego needed the extra boost.

Why he told you after ending it is the 2nd most selfish thing he did. Unless she was threatening to tell you, he should have dealt with his shame and said nothing. Confessing just brought you pain. It didn't restore his honor. Confession was good for his soul, a crushing blow to yours. He gets no "good guy" props for causing the train to wreck.

Again, it wasn't about you. The compelling crap that took him down that pathway is his therapy, not yours. Do not blame yourself.

Most affairs last on average from 2 - 4 years. I was shocked to find that out.

The litmus test: If he takes responsibility for where he put his weiner, he just might be worth forgiving. If he blames you for his affair, he's yesterday's coffee grounds and it's time to dump him.

It sounds like he may be the type to own up and be responsible for his actions.

Typically, he honestly feels horrible for causing you such pain. He never expected this part of it. The anger, sure, but not the anguish. Again, no props for recognizing he may have totaled the relationship. He's responsible for where he put his weiner. Not you.

What therapy will do for you, should you choose to soldier on and try to learn to trust again...You'll learn to communicate better. You'll learn to recognize and hear the "I needs" that he'll learn recognize in himself to ask from your relationship. It will help to keep him honest.

If you don't go on, then continue the therapy until you get to the point where you can say "It hurts like hell, but I didn't deserve this. It wasn't about me. Every guy isn't like this."

Good luck and big gentle hugs. You'll get through this one way or the other.

[BLUE EYED GIRL 0]

tina,i cant say that i know what your going thru,i have been married over 13 yrs and belive if they truly love you then theres no need to go elswhere,its so difficult when children ae involved and if there not of an age of understanding whats going on,i dont belive i would ever take my hubby back if he did the dirty,i wouldnt be able to trust him.i reckon you deserve to find someone who truly loves you for you.

[*susan* 1,709]

My children were 6 and 8 when we learned my ex was cheating on me. I feel so terrible to this day because they were with me when we made the discovery. I just lost it and completely broke down in front of them. I know it had to have affected them horribly. They are 15 and 17 now and we do talk about it. They love their father and have a wonderful relationship with him, which I would never deny them. But, if nothing else they both learned how betrayal like that impacts the partner and are both adamant that they will never do that to someone they love.

[Devana 0]

I'm so sorry. Been there. I'm going to give you the Cliff's Notes from my experience. Maybe it will help.

His affair wasn't about you. He should have been thinking about you, You were reason enough NOT to do what he did. But he was compartmentalizing "the rest of his life" away from the affair. It was selfish on his part. He did it because his ego needed the extra boost.

Why he told you after ending it is the 2nd most selfish thing he did. Unless she was threatening to tell you, he should have dealt with his shame and said nothing. Confessing just brought you pain. It didn't restore his honor. Confession was good for his soul, a crushing blow to yours. He gets no "good guy" props for causing the train to wreck.

Again, it wasn't about you. The compelling crap that took him down that pathway is his therapy, not yours. Do not blame yourself.

Most affairs last on average from 2 - 4 years. I was shocked to find that out.

The litmus test: If he takes responsibility for where he put his weiner, he just might be worth forgiving. If he blames you for his affair, he's yesterday's coffee grounds and it's time to dump him.

It sounds like he may be the type to own up and be responsible for his actions.

Typically, he honestly feels horrible for causing you such pain. He never expected this part of it. The anger, sure, but not the anguish. Again, no props for recognizing he may have totaled the relationship. He's responsible for where he put his weiner. Not you.

What therapy will do for you, should you choose to soldier on and try to learn to trust again...You'll learn to communicate better. You'll learn to recognize and hear the "I needs" that he'll learn recognize in himself to ask from your relationship. It will help to keep him honest.

If you don't go on, then continue the therapy until you get to the point where you can say "It hurts like hell, but I didn't deserve this. It wasn't about me. Every guy isn't like this."

Good luck and big gentle hugs. You'll get through this one way or the other.

Sage and wonderful advice, Phoenix.

Tina, the only thing I can add is to exercise like crazy. Walk every where and hit the gym every chance you get. It really is a good way to help the grief dissipate.

[HarleyNana 10]

Tina, just a quick note to let you know I'm thinking about you and I'm so proud of you!

[ErikMesa 0]

I'm sorry to see you go thru this Tina. I've never been married but I have a brother who cheated on his wife (and has gone thru 3 total now) so I understand. He's a piece of garbage who had it all and tossed it away.

It sounds like your husband is sorry for what he did but WHY did he do it is my question. Has he said what motivated him to cheat on you? I just don't understand it although it sounds like the "skank" as you call her might've egged him on just by her actions since.

As for the "skank" I suggest getting a restraining order against her prohibiting all contact by any medium with you or your husband. If she wants to play homewrecker and contacts you again she'll be breaking the law and will be arrested. She may be a piece of trash with no redeeming moral values at all but the threat of arrest may be enough to keep her out of your life.

Prayers are with you be strong.

ErikMesa

[mumof2boys 71]

Hey everyone. I'm back. The weekend was a long one but it was pretty good. My husband and I have been really working on this mess. We have a very long road ahead of us but only time will tell what happens. My brother had his "talk" with my husband over the weekend. They haven't seen each other or talked since D-Day. My husband has some issues that he really needs to work through, aside from our marriage. He's working very hard and he's being open with me (for the first time EVER). Despite the fact that we are both trying, it is still very difficult on me and I still have my good days and bad days. The images in my mind are something that I wish would go away very quickly. They are complete torture.

I really thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time that I am having. I swore that I would NEVER stay with a man who did this to me and then when reality hit me on that terrible day in April, my entire world turned upside down. I have to at least put forth the effort to keep my family together. I will not "settle" for an average marriage. If this marriage is going to survive, it's going to be the best.

As far as the "home-wrecking skank" goes...I have not heard from her since she called my boss over a week ago. As far as I'm concerned, she's not worth my time or energy. I just wish that her husband knew what kind of woman he is married to. Her day will come...what goes around comes around and Karma is a bitch. She will have to live with the guilt (if it even affects her) everyday, wondering when I will spark back into her life to have a little chat with her hubby. I just hope that she doesn't dig her claws into another married man. Don't get me wrong...I, in no way, completely blame her for all of this but she did take part in having a relationship with a married man and she should have to face consequences just the same as my husband does.

Well...again, thanks everyone...keep the well wishes coming. I appreciate all comments, suggestions, and everything else that you want to send my way.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Mum! I am so sorry! I just found this thread.

First let me tell you I thought the SAME thing that you did, "I would never stay with a man who cheated on me". But now I know that those are idealistic words from someone who had never been through it. My DH cheated almost 10 years ago. We broke up for awhile and I realized I really didn't want anyone else. We got back together and went through intense counceling and found out the reasons why he cheated. It wasn't about sex, we were missing something in our marriage and he found it elsewhere. It had nothing to do with me as a person!

We are now doing well, but I can tell you there are days I still am pissed off. Once in a blue moon I bring it up and of course we fight. It will never be gone, but we made a choice to make it work. We now have 2 beautiful girls and making the life we always wanted. If you let HER take that away from you, you will always regret it.

As for my gutterslut as I call her, karma is a bitch. About 1 year after the affair she had an accident drunk driving and spent 6 months in an ICU unit and nearly killed her best friend. After she got well she got to spend 6 months in jail and is STILL on probation. So yes, your gutterslut will get what she deserves in the end!

I commend you for making the committment and choice to your marriage and your children. Someday you will look back on this and see how very strong it made you. You can't go through something like this and not grow as a person, a wife and a mother. But for the future set boundries and dont' let anyone cross them!

Good luck! We are all here if you need us! And from one Mom to another, I know your children thank you for trying!

[mumof2boys 71]

Thank you Boo Boo, and you're right...you never know until you are in that situation. It's definitely a "club" that you don't want to be a part of. It truly sucks but it does make you a stronger person.

I have a personal question for you...how long did it take you to start trusting again or do you fully trust him now? My concern is that I don't want to be his babysitter his entire life. I don't want to always have to check up on him and wonder what he's doing and where he's at. It drives me absolutely CRAZY. I know that it's going to take a long time to get over all of this (if I even do), but I always wonder how long it took people to begin to trust again.

Thanks!

[mary1966 3]

Tina, regarding the trust issue. It took a very long time for me - at least a year - to stop obsessing and snooping through his cell phone, pockets, computer, etc. Finally one day I asked myself why I am wasting my time with this? If he cheats again I will know because the old behaviors will return and he will pull away from me emotionally. If he cheats again, we're done, and it was as simple as that. I made him aware of the consequences and I believe he has been true to me since the grueling year of counseling.

What we have now is what you are are seeking - a loving and respectful marriage. If we don't have that, it's going to be over and I will be fine. I know your pain and I hate it - you might want to try Wellbutrin XL 300 mg through a psychiatrist or your family doctor. This helped get my crying and breakdowns under control. The Xanax helps for a good nights sleep and stops the tapes from playing in your head. As far as the witch calling your boss - what balls! Unbelievable! What does she do for a living and what proof do you have?? See, I can get really vindictive so I better stop now while I'm ahead! :-)) A restraining order, changing all numbers and e-mail addresses and goinig unlisted are all good advice.

BTW - I was banded on May 23rd and my DH has been very helpful and sweet. My best friend (who happens to be a shrink - LOL) came to visit me a couple of days after and said he seems like a very doting husband. He is....now. It can be done and your heart and mind will show you the way. Not sure if you are religious but praying helped me, too.

Always my very best,

Mary

[mumof2boys 71]

Yesterday I had a pretty good day but today I'm kinda feeling down. I'll get over it. I just hate this roller coaster ride. To think...I used to love roller coasters then I got too fat to fit and now that I can fit on them again this is the kind that I'm on and it sucks. Maybe I should head to an amusement park and get on a real rollercoaster and take my mind off of this garbage for a while.

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. I really appreciate all of the support. It's really aweful at just how many people have to deal with this situation. Why can't be just stay faithful to their partners? It makes no sense to me but that's because I'm one who would not cheat. Well...hope everyone has a great day!!!

Hugs to everyone who sent me hugs...I received them all.

[Wheetsin 714]

I have a personal question for you...how long did it take you to start trusting again or do you fully trust him now? My concern is that I don't want to be his babysitter his entire life.

I've not had a spouse cheat on me, and no kids were involved, but I've been cheated on in a really weird, roundabout kind of way. Hard to explain, but here's my experience:

It takes a long time to stop hurting, and maybe it never will. People say that time heals all wounds, but I say bullshit. Time doesn't heal wounds, it just numbs you. The pain is still there, even if it's only a little twinge that you can forget about most of the time. It doesn't take much of a bump to bring it back to pain again.

While I didn't really go the baby sitting route, it did change my personality in the relationship. It made me very controlling because I felt I had to control what he was doing in order to trust that it wouldn't happen again. And I hated that part of my personality.

If nothing else, you will learn from the experience.

[*susan* 1,709]

I agree Wheetsin. And, it can affect you in future relationships as well. My first husband cheated on me. My current husband's first wife cheated on him. a lot. So, we both brought a lot of history to the marriage. We both are very careful about always assuring one another we love each other, where we are, what we are doing, etc.; because even after all this time, we still remember what happened in our first marriage and get worried about it happening again. And yet, we both now how it felt and agree we would never do that to another human being. It is weird.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Mum--I am sorry you are having a rough day. I can tell you even a roller coaster won't take your mind off it. It will take awhile before you feel even half way to normal. It is like a bad burn, it takes a hell of a long time to heal and you will always have the scar. BUT you can go on and make a life, just don't accept less than you want, need and most importantly DESERVE! You are worth it and so are your children! :scared2:

[Phoenix 2]

DO NOT LET YOUR BRAIN ENVISION THEM BETWEEN THE SHEETS. You have to make that stop. There is no value, truth or anything helpful there. It will just drive you crazy. Turn it off like the bad porn it is.

Back to roller coasters...Actually, it's not a bad idea.

You'll have moments when you think, "I haven't thought about it in two hours."

"I haven't thought about it all morning."

"I haven't cried about it in two days."

"I haven't checked his e-mail in a week."

"I didn't scan the cell bill for her number last month."

You'll hit milestones on the way to a new kind of trust. The old, blind one is gone forever. The new one is a re-earned one. You'll learn where you're comfortable in your "field" of trust.

Some people find their field to be very small and need a lot of control. Others get back to something they recognize. Just realize that where you're comfortable and when you get there is right for you.

It took me about a year and a half.

Mum--I am sorry you are having a rough day. I can tell you even a roller coaster won't take your mind off it. It will take awhile before you feel even half way to normal. It is like a bad burn, it takes a hell of a long time to heal and you will always have the scar. BUT you can go on and make a life, just don't accept less than you want, need and most importantly DESERVE! You are worth it and so are your children! :scared2: