Betrayal is a BITCH

[mumof2boys 71]

OK...here goes nothing. I haven't posted in quite a while because I have been dealing with some real shit at home. A month ago I found out that my husband of almost 10 years has been having an affair for the last year and a half. :mad:That's right...while I was losing weight and looking great, that pig went out seeking an affair and here I was scared of how I would act after I started to get attention from others when I started to look nice. I am hurt:crying:, angry:mad2:, sad :cry_smile:, devastated:cursing:, sick and every other emotion (other than happy). I'm now on Xanax for my anxiety and I am completely obsessed with this crap. How can someone go out seeking an affair when they have a wife and two beautiful children? Do people care anymore? Do vows mean anything? What the hell is wrong with people? Of course now all of a sudden he wants the marriage to work. Well damn...you should have thought about that before porking the skank!!!! I want to freaken scream. I want to hurt them both. How the hell do people get on after things like this happen to them? Is it possible? We are in counseling, but should I even bother? Will he do it again? What about my kids? Damn...I need some serious help. This really sucks. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the chest pains and the anxiety. I want a fairy tale ended but unfortunately my marriage will NEVER be the same. I can never look at him the same way again. Do I give up and start my life over with my boys? Can someone wake me up from this horribe nightmare????? Why me? In the last year I have gone from a size 22/24 to a size 10/12 and I have lost 106 pounds. I thought that my husband was proud of me and thought that I was looking good...guess not, huh? Joke's on me!!!

[Tweety/Pat 1]

Tina, Im a 58 yr,old woman and I have been dealt the same cards as you. I look at it differently tho. First off his loss. Second off you have lost the weight which is part of your journey now learning alot about yourself and your marriage, move on. I did . People tell me all the time life is part of learning and unfortunately you have to go through alot of crap before you learn to take from that experience. Men have a different makeup than us women, I read the book Women are from Venus, Men from Mars great reading and learning men do not and will never have the same feelings as we, so if your looking for loyality, unconditonal love, and integrity look harder into thy self., or get a dog as a pet. I'm sorry for your findings out about him, but move on and dive within yourself and life goes on, you will be a much happier person. And as my mom use to say, what dirt goes in the wash comes out alot cleaner. Pat

[FireDust 0]

Men are just unreal...

My ex cheated on me. I tried to make it work, but it didn't. Let your heart be your guide. No matter what, you'll get through it and you should continue to be so proud of what you have done for yourself and your health.

[gone 4 ever 6]

Ok the joke is not on you, it is on him. He is probably scared that with a new you, you would go out hunting. He probably has no idea how to handle looking at a beautiful thin wife vs a beautiful heavey wife. He probably don't know how to handle other mens compliments to you and him. I do not condone what he has done. I have been on the same end as you, but he might be more scared of you than you. Hope this helps you a little. The counsling is a real good thing. Good luck with this situation, But no matter what DO NOT sabbotoge yourself and gain back your weight! Toughts and prayers are with you.

[mrsgriffin2u 1]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Looking at this from a different perpsective, my father had an affair with my best friends mom (who was also my mom's best friend) several years ago, I will share my experience. The affair ended up uncovering a lot of issues that were the reason why my dad felt the need/desire to have an affair. My parents at the time were very unhappy but never communicated it. This may not be the situation you're in, but the weight loss can be very hard for him. Your emotions are very similar to what my mom felt. She was crushed. My dad did come crawling back (his affair lasted over a year as well). After counseling and lots of prayer, my parents are back together and happier than they have ever been. It took a lot of time and they had to work through a lot of pain (b/c my dad was hurting too). It may not work out, it doesn't always turn out this way. I realize that. Don't give up on your marriage though, work through it if you can, especially for your boys. At the end, if things don't work out, atleast you can say that you made every attempt to uphold your vows. You know? I'm young, married only for a year in fact, so my opinion may not mean as much as someone else. I know this is coming from a very different perspective, but I can tell you what your children will feel. Good luck and if you ever need to rant, please feel free to send me a PM.

[coolcrystal 1]

The saddest part is, he took your life into jeopardy.. he was having an affair with this other woman.. she could have had herpes or aids or crabs or god knows what.. and he put your life at risk. There is nothing more sickening than somebody who does this. Even if you sought counseling you might never be able to have respect for him again.

Gone 4 Ever made a good point. He probably did this because he didn't know how to handle your weightloss and how you changed to be more confident... and men looking at you and stuff. This was how he handled his own insecurities instead of just communicating with you. I wonder if its a pretty common theme actually with other women who have lost a lot of weight.

In the end it will be how forgiving you are. If you do forgive him of this, then you will have to let it go fully and allow him to build that trust back up. It's hard, but I have seen it happen.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your boys. I wish you all the best sweetie.

[mary1966 3]

Tina, my heart goes out to you. I have a similar story, but the girlfriend was of FOUR years and there were others to boot. This crap went down 5-6 years ago, and when I found out, I had an affair out of revenge (I know it was wrong). We ended up in many months of counseling only to find out our marriage of 16 years at that time, had really been quite an emotional disaster. The good news is, we decided to put all of the cards on the table and got into the psychology of why affairs happen. Most men are afraid of strong women (no offense, guys). Your weight loss is a threat. Your attention to yourself takes attention away from him. Men love to be the Knight in Shining Armour, but you have been your own Knight with the decision you have made to change your life. SO, at my psych eval, all of this came out, and the counselor asked me if my husband was threatened by what I am about to do (May 23rd). He says no, but I KNOW he is. He already thinks I will leave when our daughter graduates in 2 years from high school, and to be honest, I have not yet made that decision but I am leaning toward staying right now. Our marriage is better than it ever was, but I do not NEED him anymore and he knows it. If it does not work out, I will be fine - but it took a very long time for me to come to that conclusion on my own. I stayed because of my kids, and the marriage is better than ever. I am stronger now and have a thick skin where he is concerned. I see you live in DC and I am in Richmond, VA. Maybe we could meet half way for lunch sometime. Part of what I now do in life is try to help other women make their way through crap like this and unlock their true potential...you have such a bright future and you look fantastic. Never let anyone torture you like this because no one is worth sacrificing yourself for. Live for YOU and your KIDS. If you want to give it a try, it can work, but it is now all about what you really want and what he really wants. Find out the real reason he had the affair. What was he looking for that he PERCEIVED was missing from home? Mine said he was her Knight in Shining Armour and she was not judgmental of him. Funny - when I met him he was MY Knight, but not anymore. I am my own Knight, and you will be yours. If you want to give me a call, e-mail and I will give you my number. Stay strong for yourself and your kids.

[BANDIT GIRL 1]

I know how you feel. My EX husband cheated on me too! I guess it's a trend. I was devestated and we didn't have kids, so I know how you must be feeling. I can tell you that i too had lost some weight due to being depressed and was looking good and he wanted me back also. I tried it but i guess he came to his senses too late cause I had already moved on emotionally and realized I didn't love him anymore. Of course him prancing his new much younger ( and I was young myself) girlfriend in my face at my job kinda helped me to fall out of love with him. The only real advise I can give is listen to your heart, it will tell you what to do. Trying to work it out with counseling is a big help and if it doesn't work out you will always know you given it your all. I commend you for your effort and wish you the very best in whatever you decide. And one last piece of advise....ONLY TIME CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER AND HEAL YOUR BROKEN HEART. And if it doesn't work out......like they said above, his loss. You now have lost 106lbs!!!!! and that is wonderful!!!! Begin your new life with your kids and enjoy and embrace it. Maybe this was meant to be and you are destined to do something great with your life.

[newimage 2]

I stayed in a marriage for 26 yrs because of my boys and because I thought my ex would change. After the first time he cheated on me I should of left, but I didn't. It wasn't until I finally realized he never really loved me because then he never would have cheated me. How do you do something like that to someone you love?

I am now remarried to a wonderful man who not only respects me but listens to me. I did forgive my ex husband for the affairs he had, but I never forgot. Though you two are going through counseling, just remember, that he is is the one with the problem.

Once satisfaction I did when I found out about the last affair in 1987...I let all my anger out and practically beat the shit out of him. That was the day I stopped loving him and he knoew it. Good luck!!!My thoughts and prayers are with you!!

[lpnryyz 13]

Am I the first male to comment??...

I can not understand why people cheat.. especially when have built a family and a foundation.

I would LOVE to have another partner.... I have 3 girls and I lost my wife to cancer at age 38... I'm still on my own and it wretches me when I hear stories like yours... cancer is a horrible disease but I stuck with her to the end... NOTHING comes before your family!

Dump and go on and you wil find someone.....

[BANDIT GIRL 1]

And I just looked at your pics!!! You are beautiful!!! You can have any man you want!!!! And he probably doesn't know how to act with such a beautiful wife, but again I hope things work out for you guys but if not......YOU GO GIRL!!!!!! CONGRATS ON YOUR SUCCESS!!!!!! I as a pre bandster am very proud of u!!!!!

[mumof2boys 71]

Thank you everyone. I am having a really tough time of it these past couple of days. I sit at my desk at work and I cry. I cannot believe that my entire world is changed forever. Did I mention that the skank is also married with 3 kids? How in the world can another woman do that? Am I from another planet or something. The pain is just unbearable and it's not fair. The confidence that I have built in myself over the last year while losing weight has been destroyed. I find myself going out on the weekends because I get complimented by other men about how good I look. I would never act on any of those invitations to leave with anyone, but the compliments sure are nice. At this point, I don't feel that I could ever be intimate with my husband again. The thought of it just makes me sick to my stomach. The week that he told me I lost 11 pounds. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep...I didn't go to work. Why do so many people do this and don't blink and eye and then when they get caught.... "But I love you...I want this to work...I NOW realize the consequences of my actions". Jesus...can't you think of that prior to doing her? I am no longer wearing my wedding rings because they mean absolutely NOTHING to me. He looked me in my eye and said, "Tina, take and wear this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity". Well hell...that was a lie...I have told him that those rings will NEVER go back on my finger. They are tainted because he lied. People have told me that it gets better as time goes by but for me right now I just can't take it. The one person that I run to in times of need is the one who hurt me. I feel so alone.

[luvinke 0]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I myself have never experienced this but I always told myself that if my husband cheated on me I would leave him. I say that without knowing how I would really react, one never really knows what they will do given a situation until they actually go thru it. All I can tell you is to pray, continue counseling and listen to your heart. Do what makes you happy. Everyone that I know that stayed together for the kids ended up resenting the whole thing so do what you feel is right within your heart. Time can heal all wounds if you let it. In my mind I say get even but in my heart of hearts I say pray on it. Which ever you choose I'm hear to offer a shoulder to cry on. Anytime you're feeling down just think of your accomplishments. I'm proud of your success and don't let anyone take that away from you. You've worked hard to get where you are today so enjoy each and everyday. Best of Luck to you!

[mumof2boys 71]

I too have always said that if my husband cheated, that's the one deal breaker for me. Now...it's my reality. I won't stay together for the kids, but I'll attempt to work it out in order for them to have a stable home. I refuse to stay married to a liar and cheater but if during our counseling, I begin to trust and love him again, then maybe. If I didn't have children, I would have filed for divorce the following day...no thinking twice. My parents are divorced and I want to at least say that I gave it my all to try to save the marriage no matter how sick the sight of him makes me feel right now. Oh...this truly sucks!!!

[AppleSmith1226 1]

Well what I can say is NOBODY can tell you why your husband had an affair. Only person that can answer that for you is HIM! I know your mind is racing all over WHY and I know it's hard and you have babies also so thats x10. But you have to do what is BEST FOR YOU. Because at the end of the day if you sit there throughout a marriage that makes you miserable and sick to your stomach every ounce of that is going to rub off on your children if you are unhappy. So you have to do what is going to keep you healthy for you. Don't force something so bad and then regret it yrs from now. Thats only going to hurt. I am also young but I have been married for a yr and with my man for 4 yrs now. And I am a psych major. My field is going to be family court and social work. And from my volunteering and exp DO YOU! DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. And don't think that you are throwing your marriage away because I was raised in a religious home as well and the ONLY ground for divorce is adultery! So he already threw the marriage away before you did so if you wanna throw him a "peace" sign feel free. But if you wanna work it out as well FIRST TIME SHAME ON HIM. 2ND TIME SHAME ON U get outta there if it happens again. And girl use that xanax and be done with it ... not a good drug ... don't know how it's working for you but when I do have my degree that I am currently studying for all wouldn't put any of my patients on meds until it's the last resort I mean extreme. But follow you first MIND first you gut instinct than follow your heart 2nd cause when it comes to love ... love is very blind and the heart can sometimes lie to you. Look how many battered women follow their hearts and end of dead. Just making an example. But lots of love to you honey and blessings. I would reccommend personal therapy for just yourself as well with him not being in the room. But as my grandma would say dust yourself off and put your big girl panties on shake that sh!t off as best you can and do you. And besides your hot sh!t now his loss... I wish my hubby would pull a stunt like that once I am as fine as I wanna be LOL ... I dont take BS off of him now but once I confidence is through the roof he'd better not mess with me. You can do better baby. It's men out here that would worship you and treat you like the queen that you are. KEEP UR HEAD UP! And we are ALL here for you! Apples!