Betrayal is a BITCH

[newhope4me 0]

From a cougar (my husband is 13 years younger than I am), enjoy it. Even if you don't pursue anything, it feels awesome and really helps to boost the ego.

[Jesusislove 26]

I give this advice to all women, please take time to heal within, another man will not do this for you. In time God will heal all wounds. He did it for me and he will do it for you. Give it time. There is no time limit for healing, but as they say time heals all wounds, trust me, it does.

[BethFromVA 5]

There is no time limit for healing, but as they say time heals all wounds, trust me, it does.

It also wounds all heels. :thumbup:

[Tamjpjb 1]

WOW, I just found this thread and it's like you were writing my story. I've been married since 1990. My husband cheated on me the first time during our 1st year of marriage. I, too, always said I wouldn't put up with that- unti, you are in the situation- you really don't know what you will really do. He's had many "strays" over the years, and my weight had increased as well (maybe due to a depression that I refused to admit). The last time I found out of an actual, lengthy Affair was in 2004. It was all that you mentioned- actually sick to my stomach, nightmares- the whole thing. It took time and I eventually decided to "suck it up"- mainly because my self-esteem was so low. In 2007 I decided to get the band. I needed to lose weight for MYSELF! As I began to lose weight, I gained back my self-esteem. Now, even though he's been "good" I am second guessing my decision to stay. Each day I realize more & more that I don't want to be here anymore. I also have kids, 9, 15 & 18. He also does not "get it". He doesn't understand why I don't want to be married if he hasn't done anything wrong "lately". I feel bad hurting his feelings now. He gets sad, says he still loves me and I just would give anything to stay at work all day and not come home to him. I hope I can get to the place where you are and can go out on my own. I'm not sure how to proceed.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Just read the latest updates...

Tina - stay strong! Definately take your time, because you do want to be ready for the break when it comes. Be careful of allowing too much back-and-forth with him - if he's still doing all the same things (i.e. taking care of kids, etc), he may feel that nothing really has changed and that you'll change your mind eventually. Stay consistent with your message - don't give him any mixed signals if you can avoid it. You can't necessarily determine what he will see as a mixed signal, but you can keep a respectful distance between you while you are re-defining your relationship from being a married couple to being a separated couple.

Re: the young boys hitting on you - you are projecting a different kind of energy! You are loving yourself, and they can feel that on an elemental level, so they want to be around you. Can you really blame them? Enjoy it, girlfriend, for the ego boost that it is, but take your time with that as well.

Tamalina - my heart aches for you - I also understand about 'hurting his feelings' but don't let that stop you from doing what YOU need to do for YOU. It can't be easy to remain cordial when you know what he's done and how it made you feel. Maybe you should consider counseling - for you, not necessarily to try and save your relationship. Perhaps by getting clarity about who you are becoming and what you ultimately want, it will be easier to make the decision.

I definately can't tell ya what to do - I haven't been where you are - but I do relate. My hubby's challenges were with flirting on the web, and some of that turned into phone calls, but nothing in person (that I know of - they were all several states away and not easily met in person).

He hasn't repeated the bad behavior (and yes, I still check), so I think we'll be okay, but I still have my days when I'm really furious with him, and others where I think I'll be able to put it out of my head. We are still working on our relationship - at least, I feel that way. Things have been great lately, but I still find myself wanting to remind him of the pain he caused and exactly what he did that I found wrong.

My challenge is with handling the distrust I now feel for him. I WANT to trust him completely, but I'm not sure that I ever can again, and that makes me very sad. He has been very up-front about the fact that he doesn't want to lose me and doesn't want our marriage to end. That is why I stay...I do love him. I think if I ever found out he'd gotten physical with another woman, I wouldn't be able to forgive that and no matter how much it hurt, I would leave.

I wish you clarity and peace, Tamalina, so that you can make a decision that's good for you and for your children.

[mumof2boys 71]

Update ladies (and gentlemen)...so...I told him that I want him to move out and it's like he was in denial. The following story I am telling you is for you to understand the circumstances, I, I no way am proud of it...I am quite ashamed.

This past weekend, my brother came to my house to take me out on the town. He knows what I'm going through and he also knows that my mother and I are arguing and she hasn't talked to me in over three weeks. He told my sister in law that he's all that I have right now so he's going to take me out to have a good time. I was so excited. So...he picked me up at my house (he likes to show me off now so I love it) and we went to a local bar and met up with a friend of his. We were there for a little bit and then headed off to the local watering hole where I usually hang out. We had a couple of drinks there and then headed to a new club in our area. I ran into some friends from high school and was having a GREAT time. The last thing I remember...dancing on the dance floor with my friend from high school and then waking up on the sofa in the living room. Apparently when my brother dropped me off I opened the garage door and when my husband heard the door open, he opened up the laundry room door and saw me kissing my brothers friend. I, however, remember NONE of this. I have been told by my brother that I fell in my front yard and so did his friend. After telling my husband this, he said that perhaps my brothers friend was picking me up and he didn't see things clearly. He said that when I got in the house I couldn't walk or talk...it's all very scarey to me. At least I know that I was with my brother and nothing horrible happened. I may have embarassed myself but I didn't do anything too incredibly stupid. So...because he "thinks" that he saw us kissing...reality has set in and he's ready to move out. He's not mad at me...he said he was hurt and upset....he can't stand to picture me with someone else.

So...we are suppose to sit down this coming Saturday to discuss the separation. I have gotten the forms from our state and we're going to do it ourselves to save money on an attorney (if we can come to an agreement). He has found a place to live and can move in after the first of the month. So...it's all about to become final. I don't really know how to feel...happy, sad, scared, terrified...

Just thought that I would share. Thanks for being here for me.

[lpglarry 1]

hey girl

i though u couldn't drink alchohol with lap band,did it bother u to drink? hey i think ur marriage was not a very strong ne if he left u that fast,but htings happen for a reason,good luck larry

[SuzanneG 1]

Hey Tina,

I've been reading your story for a while and I have to say I'm excited for you. I went through a bad relatinoship and divorce when my kids were young. It's a little sad and scary when you are doing the move out thing, but trust me when I tell you, this will be the second best thing that ever happened to you (besides the band)!

Congrats! Enjoy being you, learning about yourself, and not having someone else drag you down. Put yourself first, take care and enjoy those young guys! I had the same thing happen to me and I ended up eventually meeting a young one that I married. DH is 5 years younger than me, we're celebrating our 10th anniversary this year and I couldn't be happier!

Sorry for the loss of the relationship, but GOOD FOR YOU!

[BethFromVA 5]

Don't be ashamed. I was actually wondering if something was slipped into one of your drinks. I've never been so drunk that I don't remember anything, but obviously others have. I guess it was the first thing that came to mind.

I'm happy for you, though I understand the mix of feelings.

[plain 12]

hey girl

i though u couldn't drink alchohol with lap band,did it bother u to drink? hey i think ur marriage was not a very strong ne if he left u that fast,but htings happen for a reason,good luck larry

LOL.....did you read the thread from the start?

[Donna113 2]

Hey Tina,

I've been reading your story for a while and I have to say I'm excited for you. I went through a bad relatinoship and divorce when my kids were young. It's a little sad and scary when you are doing the move out thing, but trust me when I tell you, this will be the second best thing that ever happened to you (besides the band)!

Congrats! Enjoy being you, learning about yourself, and not having someone else drag you down. Put yourself first, take care and enjoy those young guys! I had the same thing happen to me and I ended up eventually meeting a young one that I married. DH is 5 years younger than me, we're celebrating our 10th anniversary this year and I couldn't be happier!

Sorry for the loss of the relationship, but GOOD FOR YOU!

Tina, I couldn't say it any better than Suzanne.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Hey Tina,

First - congrats on getting out of the house and having some fun! Good for your brother that he is ready to 'show you off' - that must have been fun as well!

Second - I thought the same thing as Beth - did something get slipped into your drink? You don't strike me as the type to go out and get so tipsy that you don't remember anything...that would definately be a concern of mine for you.

Perhaps this is for the best - that your husband now knows what he has to do and is making plans to do it is a very good thing. That you two are on good terms is also a very good thing - having been through one divorce, I can tell you that it is indeed a sad time, but you will come through it okay.

Hang in there, girlfriend - and keep finding ways to enjoy yourself!

[mumof2boys 71]

Well...just wanted everyone to know that he is moving out this coming weekend. I have very mixed emotions about it. I'm scared of being a single mom but I also think that it may be for the best right now. Maybe we just need time apart...maybe things will work out if we're not living together while trying to work them out. Right now I just have so many emotions going on. He's having a tough time with it. I told the kids and I got emotional...they seemed fine but I don't think that they quite understand yet. Uuuuggghhhh...why do things have to be so difficult? Keep the prayers coming. Thanks everyone.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Mumof2boys,

Keep on hangin' in there...keep the kids' routine as normal as you can make it, and be sure to keep breathing! It will take some time to get used to your husband's constant presence NOT being there - allow yourself enough time to get used to that!

As the wife of a retired Navy man, I can tell you that the absences are hard in the beginning - you may experience everything from profound sadness to a sense of relief and lightness. Allow yourself space to feel any and every thing, and if I could make a recommendation - get yourself a blank book and a really smooth writing pen and write down your thoughts and emotions as you travel this path. You might be surprised at how much you will change, grow and grow stronger!

Though my DH's absence was forced by the Navy and not by choice, it was still hard to watch him walk out of the house every time, knowing I'd not see him regularly for a while. It did, however, make me realize how STRONG I was, and I pray you have the same experience.

YOU CAN DO THIS! I believe in you - I know you are strong enough to handle it, and I pray you have a chance to get to know the strength you carry within.

Bless you - stay in touch and we'll keep encouraging you!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

We had a couple of drinks there and then headed to a new club in our area. I ran into some friends from high school and was having a GREAT time. The last thing I remember...dancing on the dance floor with my friend from high school and then waking up on the sofa in the living room. Apparently when my brother dropped me off I opened the garage door and when my husband heard the door open, he opened up the laundry room door and saw me kissing my brothers friend. I, however, remember NONE of this. I have been told by my brother that I fell in my front yard and so did his friend. After telling my husband this, he said that perhaps my brothers friend was picking me up and he didn't see things clearly. He said that when I got in the house I couldn't walk or talk...it's all very scarey to me. At least I know that I was with my brother and nothing horrible happened. I may have embarassed myself but I didn't do anything too incredibly stupid. So...because he "thinks" that he saw us kissing...reality has set in and he's ready to move out. He's not mad at me...he said he was hurt and upset....he can't stand to picture me with someone else.

This seems really odd to me. Is it possible that when you went to the new club someone might have slipped something in your drink? Memory block that severe makes it seem so.