Please help me help myself....

[Mummabear 0]

Okay, where to start….

I was banded on 8 November 2007, so it’s been 6 months. I’ve bounced between 10kg & 15kg (22lb – 33lb) loss for the past 3 months, constantly going up and down. I just can’t seem to get my head in the right space. Before the surgery I went into ‘Last Meal’ mode to excess, putting on 10kg in just over 1 month. Since the surgery I still haven’t truly snapped out of that mode. In being totally honest I don't think I could say that I have even monitored what I've eaten or consciously made good food choices at all since banding. I’ve gone through the various levels of restriction, up to the point where I couldn’t keep my own saliva down, then had it at a point where I was very limited with what I could actually get down and keep down, hoping that this would make me do what needed to be done, but it just made me turn to chocolate and ice cream, well in all honesty I had never ‘turned off’ those things, but now I was using the restriction as an excuse. I then got gastro and had to rush to hospital & have all of my fill taken out about 1 month ago. I haven’t been back to have any fill put back in yet because I just haven’t been able to afford it. Anyway, I finally have the money saved up and will call to make an appointment shortly, but will not have the entire amount put back in so hopefully I can increase the nutritional value in my meals. But at the end of the day the fill and level of restriction is not my main issue, it's ME and I just don't know what to do about it. I know everything that I should be doing, what I should be eating, etc, but I seem to think about the right thing to do/eat and then deliberately do the opposite. I'm like a defiant child and it's pathetic.

Anyway, I guess I’m asking for suggestions on how to get into the right head space. I know it’s a very personal journey for everyone, but if you would care to share your story I would be extremely grateful.

I feel like such a failure (sorry, I know there are people here who hate ‘whingers’), not because of the slow weight loss, if I was doing everything right and losing slowly but maintaining a healthy lifestyle change then I could handle that, but I feel like a failure because I have done everything I can to work against the band and I just don’t know why. I’m self funded, so I spend $15,000 on this surgery and do not get any rebate on all of the follow up appointments that I have to pay for. I struggled with my recovery because I have two small children and had a hard time saying no to picking them up after surgery – so I went through all that expense and all that pain and I’m still sabotaging myself – why?

Every day I feel like bursting into tears and running away from myself screaming. I hate my attitude and I hate myself in general at the moment. I have a wonderful and supportive group of people around me (husband, parents and friends), two beautiful little boys and every reason to knuckle down and get on with it. I can't afford therapy so I have to sort this out myself (hopefully with the help of some of you wonderful people )

If you managed to read this far, thank you :thumbup:

[salsa1877 10]

I am sorry to hear that you are having struggles. However I am going to post something that I have sent to a couple people and they think it is powerful for them. SO I hope that you will find some use in it as well. It is not sugar coated in any way, shape or form. I am about tough love, because if people condone behavior it will never change. Hopefully some of the advice will resonate with you.

Are you ready for some tough love? If you are not ready at this time, that if fine. Put it away in your mind that someone has given you some and come back here when you are ready. By the time I get to post this you will probably have 100 other replies, but I want to take my time and post what I really want to say.

Okay...here goes the tough love. And this will be a long post!

Nope the food in the last few days was not a good choice, but you ate them and now you need to move on and NOT do it again. You can't change what you have done but you can make better choices in the future. So the question is HOW IN THE WORLD DO I DO THAT? Well I will tell you that the answer is NOT going to come to you when you have a "brownie" (will now stand for anything that is not healthy for us for the remainder of this conversation) staring at you in the face. You have to have the tools and the mindset BEFORE that temptation ever comes up. We have to be ready to turn around at any particular moment and have a piece of brownie shoved in our face and realize that we are stronger than the calories, fat, sugar and peice of inanimate object that we are looking at. It will get harder as we lose the weight and become a little more comfortable with our bodies. At first we were hell bent on getting losing, losing, losing. Well the newness has worn off and now we are just stuck with the realization that we will always have to fight the "brownies".

Alright I am all about being practical so here are some suggestions that I have.

1. Take a piece of paper (one that you can fold up into your wallet/purse/pocket ) and divide it into sections. You may have to write down everything and then rewrite it to get it to all fit.

a. Write down all the reasons that you had MAJOR, LIFE THREATENING SURGERY. Not the reasons that you wanted to just lose weight, but what caused you to make this drastic change in your life.

b. Write down where you think you would be health wise in 10 years. What disesases, illness would you have? What meds would you be on. Look at your family for "inspiration". For me my mom died at 53 weighing 350+ pounds and had heart disease, diabetes, sleep apnea and a whole host of other disorders. Within 10 years, I was going to be there.

c. Write down why you are more powerful than a brownie (this one is tough!)

d. Find some typical foods that you would love to eat (your brownies) and look up the calories and then find out how much time you would have to spend working them off in the gym.

e. Write down what about you makes you important enough to overcome your demons.

f. Now you are going to want to fit all of this on a piece of paper in bullet form so when you are faced with you brownies you can look at it and allow you to mentally fight the war that has just come up. If you can justify eating that brownie after looking at your paper, then eat it, but have no regrets, and do not dwell on it. Instead you have faced the problem UP FRONT and not looked back on it.

2. Another possible tactic. I know that you are having a tough time getting your calories down. One thing that I have found that helps me is by eating the same foods that I like but with some simple substitutions and by finding ways to remove some unneccessary ingredients. For example. I make this dessert that had 1/2 cup of frozen berries, 2 TBSP of Cream cheese and 1/2 cup of granola. The cream cheese had 60 calories and I thought..."I wonder how this would taste if I didn't put the cream cheese in it". I tried it and guess what, I couldn't even tell that it was missing. Same thing with meatloaf. Instead of eating it with ground beef now I substitute grond chicken. As long as I keep all of my veggies and other healthy fillers in, I can't tell the difference. I really learned this from Subway. I found that if I went in and ordered a foot long sandwich (obviously pre-band) and got all this deli meat and cheese and then pilled it with my favorite veggies that I all I could really taste were the veggies anyways. So first I got rid of the meat and then the cheese, and the taste of the sandwich hardly varied at all. This is what I do all the time now. I will always fix something first and then think what can I do to lower or eliminate the calories without harming the integretity of the dish.

3. This is the one that everyone is going to hate. WE JUST HAVE TO HAVE WILL POWER SOMETIMES. Yep the age ol' dieting nightmare. Our will power will not always be perfect, but we have to be able to stand up to ourselves and tell ourselves no. Before this surgery I couldn't tell anyone NO, including myself. So when my stupid head told me that I needed to go to Carl's Jr and get 2 big hamburgers and eat them in the 4 minutes it took me to get home so that I could look famished for dinner that was going to be served in 30 minutes...I never said no. NOW, I am comfortable saying no. It has helped me professionally, personally, and mentally. I thought that everyone would hate me if I said no, but now they no longer just expect things out of me. And I don't just give in to all of my brain's wishes. That is making me a better person.

4. Talk about your surgery. I have to honestly say that one of the greatest factors to my success is the fact that I have been open and honest about the surgery. I don't care what other people think about me. Go to 1A of this email and that should show you why there is nothing to be ashamed of. The more you talk about the struggles and successes of your surgery the less likely people are to shove food at you. We have one lady in our science department that brings in treats every week. After the 2nd week of school I told her about my surgery and not ONCE has she come in and offered me the food. She told me, if you ever want it, you may have some, but I don't want to push something on you that you obviously don't want. Yesterday at the staff meeting, the administration gave little food baskets to everyone for all there hard work during scheduling. However instead of a food basket I got a nice card signed by all the administrators, because the know that a food basket is pointless to me. I don't feel singled out, I feel very blessed that these people care enough about me to know what I need. Some people can't make these connections on their own and they need you to school them. I know this is tough, but I had to do it with my dad, my BF, and my brother. I asked them if they would offer a beer to a recovering alcholoic. All of them said no, and then I said then why in the hell would you offer me a cookie!

Wow I knew this would be long, but I had no idea how long. If there is any advice in here you don't like. Think about why you don't like it. Is it because it is hard...well guess what CHANGING is hard, but maybe just try part of it. If you don't like it because it goes against all of your moral beliefs, then ignore it. I will never know and it will not hurt my feelings. Even if you came back and said "Salsa you are full of crap and are an idiot" I would think " her loss!" and keep on lovin' ya. This is what friends are for. We have to be here during the good times and the bad. We have to be able to look (or type) at the other person and say "stop being an idiot" If we don't do that as friends, really we are no better than an enemy.

[Mummabear 0]

Salsa, thank you so much for your reply. I don't really know what else to say, I'm still reading and re-reading, digesting it all.

Thank you for taking the time to share with me - it is greatly appreciated

[Katness 0]

Well, I was like that before I got banded back in december 07 myself. But these days I look at it more like this which helps me keep the head space.

The goal. You want to feel more comfortable in your own skin, and out live other family members. And in my case be less anxious about approaching another woman as a potential partner.

Before I got banded, I hated myself so much for being over weight that I treated food as an emotional thing. And part of it for me was too many choices. Both junk wise and more nutrition wise. However after the band I though Ok, this does it, I'm more pissed of, I want a partner and the only way I'll ever get the confidence is if I have help.

After it I looked at what I was eating. And I think part of weight gain is not only what sorts of foods you eat but what is in them preservative wise too or how they are manufactured, which is why I now have a mincer with which I make my own burgers. Not to mention a mincer works great on chickpeas too for chickpea burgers. However, bread deals me damage, along with rice and soda I stay away from. And that is three of the main culprits of carbs.

Also, it helps to find the more nuritional foods you absolutely love. I don't have many but some and so I stick with them. Besides it means I don't even have to think about it. As I already know what I may want out of the things I love and so my question as to what I'll make is answered. It may be a bit repetitive but I don't mind. As I'm also on the autism spectrum so yeah. Cooking the way I tend to does take more time, especially if you study. But it does mean you are better off. I also tend to hold onto the joy that I get when I find out how much I've lost each visit. This past 4 weeks I've lost 3.24 kilos. Which is 14 kilos about since december 07. And I'm still going.

There was a time I slowed down at one point, but then I altered my diet again and it sped up. Basically my rules (except on the special occasin I get Chinese or pizza which is either once a week to once a month at the blessings of my dietician) would be A) home made, as there are no preservatives. you know what foods/ingredients you love and don't love. C) you know exactly what it going into it. D) I always stick to the low fat stuff. Like sour cream. I don't usually eat cheese anymore unless it is a birthday, a graduation, or Christmas. Other then that, I don't really miss having it. Other things I like I find alternatives to that I like just as much. Like Ice cream, I now eat yoghurt instead of which I have several favourites.

However, that just a bit of my story, I could go on but I don't want to bore people with anymore. And I myself are still in the experimenting phase some what.

2. Another possible tactic. I know that you are having a tough time getting your calories down. One thing that I have found that helps me is by eating the same foods that I like but with some simple substitutions and by finding ways to remove some unneccessary ingredients. For example. I make this dessert that had 1/2 cup of frozen berries, 2 TBSP of Cream cheese and 1/2 cup of granola. The cream cheese had 60 calories and I thought..."I wonder how this would taste if I didn't put the cream cheese in it". I tried it and guess what, I couldn't even tell that it was missing. Same thing with meatloaf. Instead of eating it with ground beef now I substitute grond chicken. As long as I keep all of my veggies and other healthy fillers in, I can't tell the difference. I really learned this from Subway. I found that if I went in and ordered a foot long sandwich (obviously pre-band) and got all this deli meat and cheese and then pilled it with my favorite veggies that I all I could really taste were the veggies anyways. So first I got rid of the meat and then the cheese, and the taste of the sandwich hardly varied at all. This is what I do all the time now. I will always fix something first and then think what can I do to lower or eliminate the calories without harming the integretity of the dish.

I do this too. A lot of the things I love like Beef or ham, I'll only have very occasionally. In the treat section. chicken or chickpeas or lentils are more often then not.

Sincerely, Kat.

Edited May 13, 2008 by Katness

[jet 0]

hi.

i just want to send you a great big hug!

ive only had my band less than three weeks and im sure there wil lbe struggles ahead.

u take good care of YOU

xxoo

[salsa1877 10]

You are very welcome.

[pearlygirl 1]

Salsa - I LOVED your post. I think that so much of it can be used for many things in life other than just eating too.

[susansilver 0]

My response to you is about looking inside yourself. You talked about your defiant child - but you need to understand why she is defiant and why she has not yet grown up. I have the same issues. I am fortunate to have found an amazing therapist who is helping me understand the reasons behind my food addiction. What does food mean to you? What do you get out of overeating or eating unhealthy foods?

I know that for myself, until I could understand that I am dealing with an addiction that was formed early in my life and rooted in my family dynamics, I would never be successsful with the band. It is after all only a tool. I absolutely blamed myself for being a failure and weak with no will power. I have learned that abstinence (dieting) alone will not work unless I have the understanding of what drives me to abuse food. Once I realized where I needed to focus my energies, I went to my clinic, got a proper fill and am back on track with a new attitude. I no longer hate myself, instead I am trying to nurture that little girl inside, just as a nurture and raise my own daughter. She deserves the best love, care and attention and so do I. Loving and accepting myself - along with my fabulous tool, the band - allows me to make good choices and feel confident about facing life.

I know you said you cannot afford therapy, but there are many good self help books. I am current reading the old classic The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. I have also read a number of books on addiction. Perhaps you can go that route. Also....this is a great place for support - all kinds - from Salsa's tough love to the friendly hugs. We all understand!

Take care,

Susan

[mss 1]

Okay, where to start….

I was banded on 8 November 2007, so it’s been 6 months. I’ve bounced between 10kg & 15kg (22lb – 33lb) loss for the past 3 months, Every day I feel like bursting into tears and running away from myself screaming.

I am pleased that you came here and shared your story with us Mummabear. The first step in making a change is acknowledging that something isn't working.

Some questions to ask yourself.... am I willing to experience some short term discomfort if it means I live my life in a way that is meaningful to me....eg. you mention your children, think about a value related to parenting that is something important to you ...being a loving mum, being there for my children etc. What does being a loving mum mean to you? When you are taking that bite of a high calorie food is that helping you to live your life as a role model for your kids? When you are beating yourself up about the see sawing you have done over the past few months....is that helping you to teach your children how to become healthy and resilient young people?

It is wonderful that you have a supportive family and friends. Make use of them, let them know that your plans for the week include making healthier food choices etc and give them permission to gently remind you when they see you making choices which could be improved.

I feel as though I am a slow loser when compared with some of the people on here - big lesson - comparisons are not always helpful. :hurray: Whenever I feel as though my eating needs a tweak I start writing down everything I eat...yep, including the bits of chocolate I sneaked when no one else was looking! Don't use this as a tool to beat yourself up, instead use this as a tool to help you figure out what could be improved. Food diaries can be very helpful and are also a great reality check.

Acknowledge that you have thoughts and emotions that are not always helpful for you, eg the defiant child feelings....you know what...you can have those thoughts and emotions and STILL make healthier choices. For example, I can have the thought/belief that only eating some chocolate will satisfy me while I am chewing a cracker biscuit. It is possible to have thoughts but to not necessarily have to make them true. Thoughs in themselves are merely words grouped together...it is us that makes them reality. When you say you are 'like a defiant child' that doesn't mean it has to be true, you are having the thought that you are like a defiant child...it is very different to being one. Whenever you notice yourself beating yourself up with your thoughts eg. I am pathetic, I will never succeed, I am useless ...put the words "I am having the thought" in front of those thoughts to remind you that you are not your thoughts.

A book that is fantastic for anyone who is experiencing depression, anger, anxiety, eating issues etc etc etc is The Happiness Trap by an Aussie Dr Russ Harris The Happiness Trap | Stop Struggling Start Living by Dr Russ Harris . I am pretty sure he said recently that this book is available at Dymocks in Australia now. It is using a psychological cognitive behavioural technique called ACT (acceptance and committment therapy) - I use this with my clients quite a lot (I am a psychologist) but more importantly, I have been using ACT in my own life for a number of years. And by the way, I don't know Russ or stand to gain anything from promoting his book...I simply find it a great starting point for people to use on their own or together with a therapist. His website also has some tips for people who are working through the book on their own.

Also, if you do continue struggling with a low mood I would suggest you have a chat to your doctor as there are a number of low cost counselling agencies and also with the new-ish medicare scheme you can get referred for up to 6 sessions of counselling with a psychologist and get a rebate so often the out of pocket difference is less than $30/session. It can be useful to call around as fees vary from clinic to clinic. There are also other counselling agencies that offer a sliding scale of fees (sorry I only know the ones in WA or I would provide the links).

Wow, I have written a lot here!!!! I have bolded a few of the key points I was hoping to make. If you have any other questions please feel free to send me a message.

Today is a new day for you. I wish you all the best. :cry_smile:

edited to add: and by the way what a fantastic start you have made to have lost at the very minimum 10 kg's. Recognise the things you HAVE achieved so far as well.

Edited May 15, 2008 by mss

[ajoneen 0]

I know these words were ment for the original poster but I got a lot out of them too.

Thanks

[Hastings 3]

I no longer hate myself, instead I am trying to nurture that little girl inside, just as a nurture and raise my own daughter. She deserves the best love, care and attention and so do I. Loving and accepting myself - along with my fabulous tool, the band - allows me to make good choices and feel confident about facing life.

It's funny, but sometimes I have to treat myself like I am a child who is in my care. I have to say would this be good for her? If the answer is no, the it doesn't happen. It sounds schizo, but it's not, it just takes the personal "I want" out of it for me.

[jobake 0]

boy i'm with you...i just can't make myself eat the amount i know i should...it's like i want to fail.....don't know how to change my mental response to this surgery around either.....if you find out the secert let me know.......i have lost 50 pounds the first 6 months but now am at a stand still and it's another 6months down the road. i think i want to be thin so what is wrong with me.........????

[becca77 0]

Thank you to everyone who has posted here, this really helps.

[Mummabear 0]

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. Since writing my OP I've gone into denial and totally pushed it out of my mind, just not wanting to deal with it at all. I know this is wrong, but it's what I've done.

I will phone the surgery this week and make an appointment to have the fill put back in my band, and I start working again at the end of this week (after 3 years as a stay at home mum) so hopefully that will help with my outlook and confidence. I'm also going to head to the library tomorrow and see what self help books I can find.

Thanks again to everyone that took the time to respond. Please feel free to keep sharing.