My friend is losing her mind! HELP!

[illion 0]

I'm going through a similar experience with my best friend/sister-in-law. We've known each other since we were teenagers. Our lives have parallelled each others for over 30 years. When we were young, we were both teased unmercifully about how skinny we were... we both married, had kids, got divorced, got fat, and supported each other through it all. Now that I've made the choice to lose the weight and get healthy again, it's caused a great deal of stress on our friendship. She told me shortly after I had the surgery that she felt like she'd lost her best friend. She can't afford the surgery and won't accept my offer to help out with it. I'm walking a tight rope to keep from doing or saying things that will make her feel even worse. It's so hard for ME to not be able to brag about losing a few pounds when I know she's struggling to just maintain the weight she's at now. When I come in wearing something new because my old stuff wouldn't fit, it makes me feel guilty. I hope we never lose our closeness, but it certainly is being put to the test.

I think Jack is right, also. As our life canges, our friends always seem to change as well. If we're able to keep even a few good friends through all of these changes, we should feel very fortunate.

I'm so sorry your friend said those things to you, but it could be that she just didn't know how to express what she was *really* feeling- scared, threatened, insecure? I hope for your sake that she wasn't just being cruel. No one needs friends who would intentionally do that!

[justpeachytexas 0]

I agree with Jack, when your life changes so will your friends. I would have a serious discussion with her about her self image though.

[bandster_1007 1]

i agree with jack, my friends change with my life, or theirs, as jack said. and i'm still pretty young, but it has always been that way for me. when i was a cheerleader, i had this group of friends, when i went to the nerdy math & science school, i had another group...single mom one group, college, new job, etc.

now i have a few that have stuck with me through the years, 3 to be exact.

i look at my past friends like angels who were sent into my life with a purpose. when that purpose was done, so was the relationship. the same with my enemies, lovers, etc.

now that my dh is my dear friend, lover, etc., i have find it much more difficult to build lasting friendships with anyone. it makes me cherish the ones that i have even more. i am not so quick to share my life and emotions with strangers like i was when i was younger.

personally, however, i think that the fact that she was honest about her feelings, and maintains contact says a lot about her character, regardless of her low self esteem. think back on your entire relationship, i honestly cannot see anyone being friends with someone for 10 years JUST because they are bigger and make them feel better. there are other reasons. that is just one, that is going to change. that is what is bothering her, but she is honest, and i do not think she meant it to insult you. actually it makes her very vulnerable to your response, making your next few encounters very crucial to the future of your friendship.

[Skinny_Jill 36]

I am so sorry she hurt you. It is good that she was honest because now you can work through it. You are right that your relationship will never be the same but it could actually be better. You could become closer if you work it out. She screwed up and handled the situation wrong. We all make mistakes and she is no exception. Keep talking to her about it if you feel the friendship is worth saving. The awkward apology is out of the way now so hopefully the next conversation will be more constructive.

Good luck!

[2-Lose-Fluff 1]

I received an instruction booklet from my surgeon's office and here is what it said, "Friends and extended family members also must adjust....Be open about your appreciation of them and their own feelings. And finally let people pull away if they need to for a while. There may be a need for some time to pass before they sort it out for themselves. Your main responsiblilty is to take care of yourself. Others are responsible for their own feelings and actions. Hopefully most close family and friends will all eventually adjust." It sounds like she is really scared not only your weight will change. Just the fact that this was in my patient manual shows it has nothing to do with you as a person.

[di1138 8]

It is HER problem. With friends like that who needs enemies.

She is no real friend.