My friend is losing her mind! HELP!

[princessash2781 0]

Let me tell you what happened to me. My "best" friend is 5'3'' and weighs 110 pounds soaking wet. And I noticed that right after my surgery(1/30.08), she was starting to withdraw from me a little, but I kinda let it go. Finally, last week, I confronted her and asked her what was wrong and to my shock, she told me that she had always really seen me as the fat person, and now that I'm losing she doesn't really know me anymore . Then, to make matters worse, she said that she felt like being with me when I was (and still am, for a while, anyway) fat makes her feel better about herself and I got the strong impression that that's why she kept me around.

She told me this to my face. We have been friends for 10 years. I am hurt by this. I know part of me should tell her to shove it, but I am still a little bewildered. I'm also MAD. I havent spoken to her since this conversation, though she has called several times....WHAT SHOULD I DO??:thumbup:

[cathgr8 1]

This is something I have seen on some other threads. I have not had a friend who came out and said anything, but in some of my friendships, and frankly, even my children, I sometimes get the feeling they are uncomfortable relating to the new me and avoid me at times. I don't look like the Cathy or mom they were expecting to see, and they aren't sure who I am. This has been ongoing since I lost about 30 pounds. The surgery happened when my son was 15, and we had a pretty strong relationship. Of course all teenagers want to avoid their moms, but he seems to have almost taken the change as having his mom taken away from him at the same time and it sure compicates things. My daughter moved away, and when she does see me it's like she has to feel me out to make sure I'm the same mom. Luckily, I met my boyfriend after losing 60 pounds, and he knew me when we were 14, and I was slim then, so it hasn't been an issue with him. You should tell your friend how hurt you are in my opinion, tell her you thought your relationship was based on more than making her look good, but if that's all it was, it's best not to continue it, or she may need some time to process and get some help for her own issues.

[triser72 0]

One of my favorite quotes (that I picked up from Reader's Digest about 20 years ago) is "People change and forget to tell each other." With wls - things will change, so you just have to keep talking about it. As you lose weight, keep talking about how your perspective changes in all parts of your life. Her perspective is changing, too.

Confronting her - good for you! The fact that she responded honestly - even better! Only good can come from this situation. Don't let go of a good thing.

[catfishdna 0]

I'm so sorry you had to go though this. I would be completly heart broken. It is obvious that this woman was never your friend. She is a selfish and insentive person. Why would she want you to continue an unhealthy lifestyle which could lead to medical problems. Real friends care about what happens to you and see you as you truly are not just some number on a scale. I think you should forget about her. You deserve so much more.

Let me tell you what happened to me. My "best" friend is 5'3'' and weighs 110 pounds soaking wet. And I noticed that right after my surgery(1/30.08), she was starting to withdraw from me a little, but I kinda let it go. Finally, last week, I confronted her and asked her what was wrong and to my shock, she told me that she had always really seen me as the fat person, and now that I'm losing she doesn't really know me anymore . Then, to make matters worse, she said that she felt like being with me when I was (and still am, for a while, anyway) fat makes her feel better about herself and I got the strong impression that that's why she kept me around.

She told me this to my face. We have been friends for 10 years. I am hurt by this. I know part of me should tell her to shove it, but I am still a little bewildered. I'm also MAD. I havent spoken to her since this conversation, though she has called several times....WHAT SHOULD I DO??:thumbup:

[kathystrick 3]

I'm so sorry you had to go though this. I would be completly heart broken. It is obvious that this woman was never your friend. She is a selfish and insentive person. Why would she want you to continue an unhealthy lifestyle which could lead to medical problems. Real friends care about what happens to you and see you as you truly are not just some number on a scale. I think you should forget about her. You deserve so much more.

:thumbup: A true friend would be happy you are taking steps to improve your life and not expect you to stay fat to make them look better. Obviously SHE is the one with issues. I would continue avoiding her and not give her the opportunity to cause you any further pain. I'm sorry you are losing a friend, but hopefully you are gaining some insight. Good luck!

[princessash2781 0]

THanks for the support, guys. I am hurt pretty badly. I think I am gonna see if she wants to talk about this. If she isn't wiling to get over this, then maybe it isn;t worth my time......

[Hippiemama 1]

((hug))

She owes you a HUGE apology..you are worth more then that.

[Jachut 487]

It is very hurtful but I think the fact that she said something (and has continued to call you) probably indicates that she might want to try to work past it? Like she knows that in a way she's been using you but she does love you enough to want to work through that.

I may be barking up the wrong tree, its hard to tell from a post, but I'm also very forgiving (or stupid?) and would want to try to continue the friendship. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt but I'd tell her how much she's hurt my feelings.

Your call though. Nobody would think you were strange for giving her the flick, either.

[KELVINSMOM 0]

I can't say what you should tell her on this post board because it would it violates FCC guidelines. but i agree with the another poster . she was probably not a True friend to begin with. Do not let one person's insecurities get in the way of your goals and happiness. This is a new chapter in your life and if you need to delete Olive Oyl from the script. then so be it!! Keep up the good work , and find a new friend in the gym or in the mall while you are shopping for smaller clothes.

[Luscious 1]

I have 2 very close female friends. The "slim" one is very happy and very supportive of my choice. The "slightly larger" one went on a crash diet the day I told her about my banding, and seems to want to turn this into some type of competition (although Its very one sided - I'm not really into game playing of any kind). I think there are probably a lot of "friends" out there who would have a similar thought process to your friend. In the case of my friend - I guess it made her feel like she wasn't really overweight when compared to me.

My way of dealing with it is to not expend any energy concerning myself over it. I figure she is doing enough thinking for the both of it. I have no problem, and am focussing energy on myself right now.

[tapshoes 2]

It would seem that your friend has an issue - and it isn't with you, but with her perception of herself. She has low self-esteem, and by being with you, this made her feel good. This is very sad - for both of you. I would respond to her calls to have a chat - explain that you are hurt, and sad for her. That you valued your friendship but as she apparently was only interested in a relationship so that she could feel good about herself, it is unhealthy for you to remain friends.

Give her the opportunity to apologize, to realize what she is doing and (if you both want) help her to adjust to the new reality. Otherwise, part ways. But try to do it leaving the door open for her to contact you if/when she matures.

I am sorry you are going through it; I am saddened to think that others are as well.

[princessash2781 0]

Thanks everyone. I have not talked to her yet, I think I still need a bit to mull things over. I am glad she was honest, but it still hurts, and I am angry...I just haven't decided what to do. Thanks for listening, I appreciate it!

Ash

[ivyrose325 0]

I have to say That I agree with Catfishdna and a few of the other posters.

You deserve to have true friends who like you for the witty, charming, funny, intelligent warm woman that you are. Anything less is a disservice to your true self

In my opinion she did you a favor by telling you the truth, you now know where you stand .

I might sound like a brash New Yorker but the old song Na na na Hey Hey Goodbye comes to mind.

[PigsRFlying 0]

I have very insecure friends. This is apt to happen in my near future!

They'll either learn to love me or leave me because I won't be staying fat for them!

[JudyAnticola 2]

Let me tell you what happened to me. My "best" friend is 5'3'' and weighs 110 pounds soaking wet. And I noticed that right after my surgery(1/30.08), she was starting to withdraw from me a little, but I kinda let it go. Finally, last week, I confronted her and asked her what was wrong and to my shock, she told me that she had always really seen me as the fat person, and now that I'm losing she doesn't really know me anymore . Then, to make matters worse, she said that she felt like being with me when I was (and still am, for a while, anyway) fat makes her feel better about herself and I got the strong impression that that's why she kept me around.

She told me this to my face. We have been friends for 10 years. I am hurt by this. I know part of me should tell her to shove it, but I am still a little bewildered. I'm also MAD. I havent spoken to her since this conversation, though she has called several times....WHAT SHOULD I DO??:welldoneclap:

At least she was honest. Maybe you can help her to get counseling. My chubby family is bothered by my choice as well. They see my success as their shortcoming, which may be the case with your friend. With time she will see that the THIN you is still the same nice person. Sometimes it is hard to remember that what happens in our life affects those around that love us. This is a good reminder of that. It is a change for everyone who is in your life.