*#@*&%#*@*# World of Warcraft

[Telecia 1]

Being a gamer myself and a sometimes widow also I know where your coming from. I stoped playing retail WoW a while back because of the intense push everyone gets from guilds to do constant raiding. Being a mom of 3 and responsible for all the care and maintence of the household I couldn't afford to spend 6 + hours a evening for a raid where I MIGHT have had a chance to get a new piece of gear. Half that time spent waiting around to get teams filled, for other guild members to finish this or that. then 3-4 hours of just the raid. Heck with that.

One: I don't have the attention span to sit and wait 2-3 hours before a raid starts. Two: the constant pressure of the guild members to do the same old raids 5-7 nights a week get OLD fast. Three: my kids getting fed, homework help etc. are more important.

I guess in a way I'm lucky as my BF had never gotten a character on retail wow above 50 lol. He kept deleting characters and making new ones.

We moved to private free servers and he has lost 85% of his obsession now with WoW. Cause on many free servers is insanely easy to level up fast and get bored with the raid grind.

Sorry I'm rambling lol. Thing is I agree with many of the other posters he is sending you signals that he NEEDS you to set your foot down. Part of him realizes theres a problem or else he wouldn't offer to get off the game.

It sounds like time to make some harder rules.

Set Nights for the long raids. They can be insanely long I know. But he needs limited to 2-3 nights a week or so. Guilds usually have preset raid days. Try using this to your advantage.

Get a timer!! and set rules for non-raid nights. If he absolutely has to play each evening then use the timer. He can do his daily's in a hour or so. Or work on a lower character.

Make a day offlimits!!

For me my biggest rule is family functions come first!!! I don't care what raid is planned there is ALWAYS someone that will take his place if needed. As long as your not pulling out last minute. He knows that on holidays, a family members birthday, important school function etc. comes first. I even got one of those huge desk top calenders that hangs right beside his head we keep appointments etc on.

I've been involved in online gaming for 8-9 years now and its not uncommon to have fellow guildies with set rules Ive seen them in WoW ultima online, anarchy online etc.

It's gotta be a comprimise though, work at it till its something you can both live with.

Counceling is a great idea. If you can get him to go. But If he's anything like my BF you can take away WoW and he will just do the same with another game, online or not. Putting a clock above his monitor so he can't use the excuse he didn't know the time :thumbup: and setting the alarm on the clock to signal his end of gaming time has helped alot.

It's not perfect and I still get annoyed with him sometimes and I make sure to tell him so. But its nowhere near as bad as it was.

[ELENATION 0]

All I can say is Holy Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Firstly I'm so glad that the OP posted this, because I've never heard about it and my DH has been already addicted to other games, now is the Wii.... and if he gets his hands on this one.... well, I'm trouble....

Before I had to act as if he is a child and I'm the mother who has to set rules for him, I hated it, because I'm not his mother! he would get worse than my two kids! but I admit to being rude to him about it, at first I woud try to say it nicely a few times, when that didn't work, I became Linda Blair in The Exorcist.... I got ugly.... I mean, I had no other choice.... I'm so sorry that you have to go through this and I'm grateful though that you posted it so I was able to find out about this warcraft game, so I'm prepared to prohibit him from EVER getting it and so I'm now aware what it does to people... ugh!

Edited May 9, 2008 by ELENATION

[Pix 4]

My husband and I are both gamers, but we know moderation. We tell our guild(s) that we can only game on x night for x amount of time. It works for us, and we never EVER 'raid' on the same night. We take turns, cause we do have kids and don't want to leave them to there own vices. Our kids and marriage are our number 1 priority. WoW is just a game, and we both know it. Since he has deployed I have logged in maybe 4 times, and never for long. I just can't see logging in when I have kids and a family that needs me more then ever right now.

It is just a game, and he needs to reset his priorities big time. He is asking you for help, even if it makes you feel like his mom, he is asking you to help him break this cycle. I hate to say it but he put the ball in YOUR court, what you do with it is up to you.

[Ang1982 4]

ang, the following is not meant to offend you or anyone else...i despise him playing with other women on the game. before he got his headset and i would hear girls on vent, grrrr, this is our bedroom, i do not care to hear him having a great time, laughing and enjoying himself w/ another girl. i'm a tomboy myself so have no problem w/ girls playing, but i know how something innocent can eventually end up being something you didnt count on, i.e. your friend that met her husband. i have low self esteeem already, and if we already rarely do anything together, and then he's enjoying himself, has more in common w/ a stranger that can stroke all the right buttons for him, see where i'm heading with this?

No offense taken hon. After my post to you yesterday I spent the greater part of the rest of the evening pondering and thinking about your situation. Many women play WoW and you are probably not the only "WoW widow" who doesn't like the idea of her man playing with a woman (as a matter of fact I know you arent) and I don't take offense to that, any woman that has issues with their man playing with a woman probably has underlying reasons (like you said, low self esteem) and genuinely some men probably cannot be trusted to play with women (not saying your hubby is one of them). And you're right things can happen (ie: my friend and her hubby - both of them were single at the time but I'm sure that isnt always the case).

A couple of my closest friends are online friends from WoW, and I've actually went on vacation to Georgia (I live in BC Canada) to visit with a big group of other friends I met on WoW. One of my close WoW friends' brother played as well (they have both quit at the moment- my friend because he has a ft job and has gone back to school and his bro because he and his wife just had a baby) and he has two daughters and a wife and he made sure to only play after the girls were in bed so that he still had family time and what not.

I think I would keep a tally for say a week, of exactly how much time he spent in front of the computer, and how much time he spent with his child and wife.

Kat

I was going to suggest this exact same idea - spend a week writing down the times that he is on the computer say Monday from 6pm to 10pm or whatever it is, track it for a week (including weekends) and at the same time during that week try to keep track of the time he spends with you and with your kiddo and write that down as well ... then sit him down at the end of the week show him and say look at this, this has got to change before you destroy our family.

I wish you the best in getting your hubby back *big hug*

[MacMadame 81]

However, my point was more about the timing of asking them to stop. Picking the middle of the major guild raid of the week as the time to demand that your significant other just turns off the computer and walks away IS akin to asking a football player to just walk off the field in the middle of the game. It lets everyone else on the team down and will lead to HUGE resentment and very likely some volatile fights.

My point is that this is something that WoW players tell themselves to makes behaving irresponsible seem like behaving responsibly.

[newhope4me 0]

everyone had great ideas. the only thing i disagree with is "being his mom". sorry, but even a drug addict has to do it on thier own, my telling him to change will not change him. i will start to tell him the truth though, "yes you have been on too long" "no i don't want you to play"

we had something come up and have to leave town this weekend, actually it will end up being a bit of a nice weekend after we finish what we are going out of town for (wont take long for that, other than the drive). i'm looking forward to this time as well as seeing if he has any withdraw, lol. I am going to talk to him about the game and our family. Tonight is a regular "night off" (as if that ever really happens, lol) and he asked if he could play because his friend from back home is playing and he's not going to be able to play all weekend. tonight is ok, as my daughter and i had some things to do, then she's getting ready for a class trip and i have a book i'd like to finish later.

funny thing (ironic maybe) i'm taking my laptop with me, lol. but its only if he has to go w/ his grandpa for a bit i'll have something to do.

during the middle of a raid, i understand ppl want him to help w/ the battle, but sometimes real life does interfer (o darn). and ITS A GAME! lol his raiding schedule is monday thru thursday from like 6-9-10. but its in an earlier time zone than we are so right when he walks in the door, he's on the game. when i approved these days, i wanted something like you can begin raiding like 8 or 9, that way you can have family time w/ us, dinner, and homework time. but he basically whined (not literally, but thats how i feel) about he's already in this guild, he likes it, and they are in this earlier time zone. i said, find a guild in our time zone, that way maybe you can find someone w/ same schedule. but i'm a pushover. i do sometimes say, when i notice he's still playing after 10, "i thought you guys finished between 9 and 10" then he will try to finish up whatever he's doing and get off.

i will admit that towards the end of last summer i took on a new project at work, consumed a lot of my time in the evenings, mostly after my daughter went to bed. so, i rarely said anything about his game. but once he got off the game, i would put my laptop away. there was even one time he didnt play and i was working on my project and he said something about me working on it off the clock, like i should do it at work, hinting that this was our time. but yet, thats how i feel on most days, is that he is playing during "our time"

also, one time he asked why i put away my laptop or book when he gets off his game. i told him i felt it was rude to do that when we could savor that time together. he said he didnt mind me reading when he's next to me in bed. but i told him i know what its like to be off to the side, waiting my turn and i wouldnt do that to him.

i dont feel i'm playing mind games with him, he knows i hate that game (although today i told someone at work i wish i would have made it, i'd be rolling in the $$$ because most who start end up addicted) i've already told him we are not getting the expansion pack. i do know that if it wasnt this game, it would be another (used to play halo and some others) he's a "gamer" (he says it like its a badge of honor, i say it like its a nasty taste in my mouth).

ang, i have heard stories, omg, that are just awful. i.e. a mother/wife/teacher quit her job, left her family, for a guy she met on the game. her family was so tore up, broke my heart. i know it can happen anywhere, but when its someone in a game, how do you know who they really are. i trust my hubby, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

[Kat817 19]

I don't mean this to sound bitchy at all----but you have to decide how much it is worth to you. It might take 2 weeks of "being his Mom"----but is that better than the rest of your life as his ex wife?

You are right, your telling him won't change him, but it might give him the help he seems to be asking for in changing himself.

Perhaps he simply isn't as strong in that area as you are. Meaning maybe he doesn't see himself as strong enough to ignore the other players begging him, or sweet talking him to hang out and help make the plans etc. It might be easier for him to "place the blame" of leaving on someone else. And since these are strangers, and you get your hubby back----who the hell cares what they think of you!!!!

Marriage is not always 50/50. There are times it is distinctly one sided----the thing about a good relationship is it usually evens out, one way or another.

The old saying of "Don't cut off your nose to spite your face" comes to mind. Even though how you feel may be 'right'----is it going to come around to cause you more hurt by sticking to those rules?

I totally agree with you, I would hate my DH being that involved in anything---game or whatever. I would expect him to be a man and fix the problem. BUT.....what we have is worth my bending a little and helping, with the expectations that if the shoe were on the other foot, he would bend to help me.....and we never know when the shoe WILL be on the other foot.

This is not meant to sound like you are at fault in this....just to say, that I hope you think hard about how much YOU are willing to help him help himself, I hate to see you lose even the good part of him....

Good Luck.....I hope his weekend away from it, makes it seem less important to him, maybe it happened at just the right time, I hope so!!!

Kat

[Telecia 1]

everyone had great ideas. the only thing i disagree with is "being his mom". sorry, but even a drug addict has to do it on thier own, my telling him to change will not change him. i will start to tell him the truth though, "yes you have been on too long" "no i don't want you to play"

Actually most addicts if they do it on their own totally, fail. Yes they have to want it thenselves to begin with but just like all of us who come to this board for support. He has shown you by his seeking your input that he either feels he can't or won't do it on his own. He needs your support.

during the middle of a raid, i understand ppl want him to help w/ the battle, but sometimes real life does interfer (o darn). and ITS A GAME! lol his raiding schedule is monday thru thursday from like 6-9-10. but its in an earlier time zone than we are so right when he walks in the door, he's on the game. when i approved these days, i wanted something like you can begin raiding like 8 or 9, that way you can have family time w/ us, dinner, and homework time. but he basically whined (not literally, but thats how i feel) about he's already in this guild, he likes it, and they are in this earlier time zone. i said, find a guild in our time zone, that way maybe you can find someone w/ same schedule. but i'm a pushover. i do sometimes say, when i notice he's still playing after 10, "i thought you guys finished between 9 and 10" then he will try to finish up whatever he's doing and get off.

Well he has a good point here though. While most guilds will work with their players on raid scheduals if you get a guild where most of the members are all in the same timezones he maybe the odd one out. And finding a GOOD guild can be hard. Really hard. And you honestly HAVE to be in a guild endgame since after level 60 playing becomes mostly raid focused. And when raiding setting a set time to stop is impossible.

But one thing Iv'e noticed is that most of the other players will NOT get angry if real life throws something up last minute that takes a person away. The fact he does try to finish up when you point it out is a good thing.

there was even one time he didnt play and i was working on my project and he said something about me working on it off the clock, like i should do it at work, hinting that this was our time. but yet, thats how i feel on most days, is that he is playing during "our time"

This along with telling him its ok to play when its really not is sending him mixed signals. Which maybe why your not getting the compromise you need?

Sounds like he also needs to get over hinting and speak out what he wants.

ang, i have heard stories, omg, that are just awful. i.e. a mother/wife/teacher quit her job, left her family, for a guy she met on the game. her family was so tore up, broke my heart. i know it can happen anywhere, but when its someone in a game, how do you know who they really are. i trust my hubby, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

But you also have to realize how many hundreds of thousands of people play games/chat rooms etc. that this DOESN'T happen to. Just like in the real world there are signs that can tell people this could happen.

Personally I'd be more worried if he was trolling chatrooms or porn sites. Which mine doesn't thankfully. Besides he(my BF) hasgot MORE exposure to other women seeking men at work then in WoW (or anyother game). And we met in a game to start with, 10 years ago. I would only start worring if he started hiding the screen, chat, vent etc. when you came around. Because most people in the game are there for the game not to hunt for a new BF/GF. There are way better places for that. lol

I don't mean this to sound bitchy at all----but you have to decide how much it is worth to you. It might take 2 weeks of "being his Mom"----but is that better than the rest of your life as his ex wife?

I totally agree!!

It might be easier for him to "place the blame" of leaving on someone else. And since these are strangers, and you get your hubby back----who the hell cares what they think of you!!!!

LOL so true!! I can tell you from experience gamers are USED to the wife or parents being the so called *Bad guy* its part of life in the gaming world.

Marriage is not always 50/50. There are times it is distinctly one sided----the thing about a good relationship is it usually evens out, one way or another.

You know Kat that has to be one of the most awesome and true quotes I've heard. Mind if I steal that one. lol

I hope you have a nice family weekend away.

[oreokitty 0]

OMG

I think I could have writen the first post actually my husband asked me if I did when he saw it (he looked at what I was laughing about on the computer)

What is this with them

The otehr night I said hey lets pay a card game with our son and he said ok just a min. and than 45 min later he wanted to play a card game when it was bed time

He does not realize how much time is wasted on the stupid game

I totally loose it with the game and him.

And he is nagging me to get in to the game no way I have a live and a family to care for I can not tune everyone out and go kill objects on the computer

He is so bad he is trying to figure out when we go camping as a family how he can get his fix in.

I wish WOW would be put down out of business BUT no way taht will happen they are getting way to much money from all the addicts out there

[Marimaru 7]

I will start out by saying that I am a gamer, and my husband is a gamer.

When we "get into" a game, it takes up a lot of our time, but we don't have kids yet, or anything really going on outside of work, and we live in a different state than our families (though we visit often, and while we might chat about the game, we aren't freaking out that we can't play it or anything).

I think that telling him the truth when he asks you if it's okay for him to play, will make a big difference. I get what you are saying about him being man enough to know the answer, but it's not really fair to say "no, go ahead" and then get mad at him for doing what you said. I think he most definitely needs to look at his priorities and come up with some kind of compromise.

I find it... odd... to see people blame the game for the addictions, just because if it wasn't one game, it'd be another. DH and I played WoW for a good long time, but wound it down because there was other things we wanted to do, but we've been just as into other games, or whatever. I guess since I haven't experienced this first hand I don't have a lot of suggestions... I think the raid schedules need to be compromised, 4 nights a week if you have family obligations sounds like a lot to me. "Just playing" is one thing, because you can stop at any time, but people seem to get way serious about the raids, even though it's just a game. I 'kind of' get how it happens but the "personal responsibility" is pointed in the wrong direction. No one should feel more responsibility toward people they only know as sprites on a screen than their own family (and you might tell your husbands exactly that).

[newhope4me 0]

i'm not just blaming WoW, because he is a gamer, and its games in general, but this game specifically. when a new game comes out, his buddy will bug him, til he gets it, they spend anywhere from a couple of days to a few weeks playing it here and there, around the WoW schedule of course, but then its back to WoW.

Personally, i don't think he asks me if he should get off or if he's been on too long because he wants help or he wants me to be honest with him or anything mentioned in here. i think he's trying to appear the good husband by asking my opinion. that's my honest opinion of how i perceive it, bash me all you want for it. i honestly don't think he wants to get off the game. i think if he could find a way to make enough money to pay the bills and still play that game, he would do it.

we had a nice weekend in laughlin, just the 2 of us. he noticed an arcade at our hotel, suggested we go in, but i had a cocktail and told him i doubt i could take it in there. so we went to our room instead. then on the way home he mentioned that he didnt even have any withdraws, i reminded him of that instance, he claimed he was only kidding. however, there was once he ran down to get a pack of smokes and picked up some ice cream (yeah i had a little too, lol) and it took him an awfully long time to do that, so i've been curious if he checked out the arcade, but have convinced myself that he wasn't gone long enough to play since i know how long he usually plays.

after getting back i gave in and let him buy this tv (42" hd, flat whatever tv). i tried to talk him out of it, since he doesnt reallly watch tv except for like 3 shows a week. i know eventually he wants to get a ps3 (we've got everything else, wii, xbox360, ps2, etc) and thats what he wants it for. i'm such a pushover.

i know he doesnt realize how much time he spends on there. what he misses. i've told him several times when he complains about my daughter not respecting him or something, she doesnt see you, except when you go thru the other room for some reason, and usually you find something that she's doing wrong, but yet you expect her to treat you differently. the few times he has come in and spent time w/ us, she's point blank asked him, what are you doing in here? he told me that hurt him, but what does he expect? if she had told me that, i would seriously be taking a look at what i'm doing.

[Marimaru 7]

I don't know that I think that he's 'asking for help' so much ask 'trying not to be in trouble'... I mean, if you gripe at him for his play time, he can say "but I asked, and you said it was okay". That's really why I think it's important to tell the truth. Then it's up to him to decide if he's going to keep playing and asking you (aka; making you tell him to quit), or if he's going to notice a pattern and tone it down himself.

As for new games, we have a subscription to gamefly.com... you can rent games from them for as long as you want (monthly fee), and then return it when you are done with it, and you didn't spend a whole bunch of money on a game you played for 2 weeks. Dunno if something like that would make a difference for you.

[Enchanted 2]

This is a tough topic.

Someone posted that this is like an addiction. It's not like an addiction, it is an addiction. People continue the practice even though they are aware that it is having adverse effects on the people and relationships they care most about. Addiction.

WOW is so immersive. If you choose, you can step into that world, leaving reality behind (at least for awhile). In that world, you can be successful and strong. You can conquer anything! You're part of a team (guilds) and may even be one of the leaders. You look different, act different.

It's an escape from having to deal with the real world of jobs and kids and spouses -- all of which make constant demands.

I honestly think that for someone with a serious addiction, quitting cold turkey and never looking back is the way to go. It's too much of a risk -- family and friends, real life.

I honestly think the only way to stop for the true addict is cold turkey. Maybe some day with some distance, they can play more responsibly. But this is creating and emergency in your family -- and it needs to be dealt with as if it was an emergency.

Counseling can help, too. If not for him, for you.