*#@*&%#*@*# World of Warcraft

[newhope4me 0]

My husband is cheating on me...with a video game! I cant stand this damn game! :frown:

I dont mean that he is cheating w/ a player in the game, even though i have heard of that happening. He is just obsessed w/ this damn game. I swear he's addicted, but he refuses to see how much it controls his life. I wish I could do an intervention w/ him, but besides myself and my 12 yr old daughter, there's no one else who reallly knows how bad it is.

i've told him its going to be the end of our relationship, but he doesnt think so. we go in cycles, i get so frustrated w/ it, complain, he claims he has been realizing how much he's been playing, and that he was going to start playing less and spending more time w/ us, so that will last about a week, then he's back to rushing home from work to get on the game to make the raid, and ostrasizing himself from the real world.

i feel like we live in this room. i know that part is my fault, because i want to be near him, so i'm in here, he's on his game and i feel neglected. i spend some time w/ my daughter and feel i'm neglecting him, spend time w/ him, feel i'm neglecting my daughter. he suppossedly has a schedule now, but even on days he "doesn't play" he does.

tonight was a rough one. a family member of his in town, i've never met anyone of his family yet (he's military, and even though we've been married almost 5 yrs, we havent made it there and they havent made it here), so i was both excited and nervous. he had to work a bit late, i came home, changed clothes, redid my makeup, fixed my hair-thought i looked really good. he calls on his way home and tells me that his family member is going to stay at the motel cuz he's ill. i was disappointed, but we will meet tomorrow, so no big deal. hubby gets home, walks in, and changes into his shorts, asks me to move from his chair, sits down and starts to play his game.

he asks me repeatedly whats wrong, but a couple of months ago i told him i was tired of the damn cycle we were in, so i'm not going to complain about that damn game anymore. its his responsibility to realize what its doing to our family. but i feel so unappreciated, neglected.

my son (21) and his friends joke about it, people at work who know about the game kinda joke about it- but damnit, i want my husband back.

i know i should be more assertive and make him give it up, but i think he should have a hobby, but this is beyond a hobby. i have seen this game affect our relationship, his career (he'll never admit it, but i've seen it), his hygiene (right now he needs a shower, but i dont know when he'll get around to it, i know last summer that almost had me completely, well, i could barely sleep in the same bed w/ him).

I've requested that we seek counseling so that someone objective could maybe say something to him, but he's in the military and sees it as a weakness.

i dont want to be a bitch, but how else do you let someone know how badly something is affecting thier life? i have sat and tried to discuss it w/ him, i've written letters pouring my heart out, begged. now i've just given up, whenever i want to complain about it, i just keep it inside and let it go, which i know isnt good.

Not really looking for an answer, since i know that is up to me. Just needing to dump.

[MacMadame 81]

My son was really into WoW for a while. It was not pleasant.

What I did was make rules... like he had to come to supper whether he was raiding or not. Then I let it run it's course. He doesn't play at all now. He realized on his on that it's not a game you can play for a short time and leave and therefore you had to commit to it, all or nothing.

With your husband, you can't "lay down the law" like you can with a kid, but you can get him to agree to some rules. If he won't agree to them or he agrees when he's not playing but breaks them when he is, then you can point out to him that he's let the game control him to the point that he can't keep his commitments. Maybe that will sink in.

But you really can't "make" him do anything. He's an adult and his choices are his responsibility. You can only accept his behavior or not accept it.

Think of it like any other addiction. You can't make a drunk stop drinking but you can not accept their crap. If he won't shower, don't sleep with him. If he won't go anywhere because he has to raid, go without him. Otherwise, you get into a cycle of you constantly bitching about the game, but accepting anything he dishes out, and him telling himself that you just don't understand and are prejudiced against the game and he can dismiss what you are saying.

[newhope4me 0]

I know in my first post i said, "i know i should be more assertive and make him give it up" what that means is that he claims that if i were to tell him to quit playing for good, he would. but i dont want it to be like that.

i agree w/ everything you've said. especially that i'm not his mom. he constantly tells me, if you want me to get off the game, just tell me. i'm not your mom, you should be mature enough to know when you need to get off.

it is exactly like an addiction. that why i left my first husband-his was drugs, i dont see much difference between the drugs and this game. what i hate is that i struggle w/ self image issues anyway and when i get frustrated w/ this i just feel like i can never be enough for anyone, they have to have this addiction. i know thats not true, i know his problems are not my fault and i cant change it. but at least once a month i struggle w/ those thoughts in my head.

what makes it worse is that when he doesn't play, he is very affectionate, very attentive, constantly saying "i love you" etc. and i guess that makes it more difficult to deal w/ him not hearing me when i'm talking to him because he's playing, or when he doesnt realize that i have fixed my hair and have all this friggin makeup on.

rules...suppossedly the rules are, his raiding days are monday thru thursday ( i gave him 4 out of 7 days for this, that was my offer, even though i still think 4 out of 7 is too many), that is his raiding schedule w/ his guild. so, on those days he rushes home, jumps on the game and he's there until 10-1.

if we have something on a raid day, Lord i hope i give him notice or he makes a big deal how he has to let them know that he cant make it, God forbid he's not there. (and i just want to shout, "IT'S A GAME!") but he will take a day off the raid for us for something at school or whatever.

on days when he doesnt have raid, well, i feel like i have to entertain him, he says i dont but i FEEL like i have to because if he gets bored, or something (actually i feel he's sitting there wishing he were on the game), then he'll "ask" if he can play for a bit. i will admit that sometimes i dont mind, i do have my hobbies (mostly reading, which i dont like to do while he's next to me, i feel like i'm being rude), so if he's playing, i have time for my stuff. but a little bit, usually turns into all day.

what drives me insane is he will be playing and asking 500 times, "you want me to get off? have i been on too long?" etc. and he will have this look on his face like he knows he has, but he doesnt want to get off, so i tell him no, because, again, i'm not his mom. if he thinks he's been on too long, then DAMNIT, GET OFF THE GAME!

he tells me he will give it up if i tell him to, but like i said, i dont think its right to make him give it up. i read, i wouldnt like it if he told me to give up reading.

grrrrrrrrrrr, its just frustrating.

[MacMadame 81]

Sounds like he wants you to set limits for him. Maybe he wants to stop and doesn't know how. But it's not really fair to put you in that position. OTOH, if you say it's fine, then he can say later "but you said it was fine." So you are kind of screwed either way.

The raiding is the worst aspect of WoW IMO. They do act like it's some sort of moral obligation to attend and not leave in the middle. I could see it if they lasted an hour but they sometimes go one for five hours at a time and that's just not reasonable.

However, while it is an addiction, it's not like drugs or alcohol. There isn't any physical aspect that will make it that much harder to quit. Lots of people get really into that game for a while but eventually realize it's sucking them away from life and just quit. It's a lot harder to just quit from drugs. So that's a good thing. :frown:

[newhope4me 0]

i'm glad your son stopped playing, i wish my hubby would get tired of it. he's been playing about 3 years, with the only long term break being while he was deployed to iraq. but even over there he built a server so some of the guys there could play, of course not even close to the obsession level that is available here

[ozygirl 0]

Hi,

My brother and his wife are into this game.He has now completely immersed himself into this world to the point where he has no contact with family at all EVER!! and my parents have never held their granddaughter who lives round the corner.She is 15 mths old.You may think hangon, there must be other reasons? none just 2 people completely sucked in by virtual reality.I have lost half of my family due to this game.Life is too short.Show your husband this post, he must realise how much life he is missing and to think about if tomorrow you and your daughter were gone for good, what would his regrets be?

Chuck out the computer !!!!:frown: I think that maybe as your hubby is an active serviceman, he sees this game as a good outlet for strategy and warfare! Which it probably is but is addictive in a negative way.I would suggest playing a very physical sport with the boys, take out the aggression, stress and all the other stuff on the ball!!

Edited May 8, 2008 by ozygirl
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[babygrl1234 6]

Newhope, I myself am a Warcraft widow. The best advice I can give you is to get him to stop completely. I hate the way this stupid game affects my relationship. My husband works varied shifts and when he is not a work during the day he is playing. He plays at night until 4 or 5 in the morning after I go to sleep. He plans everything he does around his raid schedule. He forgets to bathe, or does not even care I am not sure which it is. He has put on at least 40 pounds in the last year from sitting there eating crap. Granted I have managed to get him playing mostly when I am not home or I am sleeping but it still affects so many things in our marriage. I don't think a marriage can really survive this game is someone is addicted to it like crack and the other person does not play. I truely don't.

[ozygirl 0]

babygrl1234 you are right, my brother is huge, as soon as he gets home it's on the computer and eat 2 minute noodles and crap,he doesn't move.

This game kills all relationships and families, trust me it does.

Newhope, you are enabling your husband. Why do you think he asks you should he stop or is it OK? because.. he knows you'll give in and go " no it's Ok," You are giving him permission so until you stop doing that he'll keep doing it. From his point of view it seems that if you give him permission he's got nothing to feel guilty about, has he???

[Ang1982 4]

Hmm, I don't really know what to say except it will be hard for you to get him to realize where you are coming from... And I say this being a former "WoW Junkie" . I have played (and still play) World of Warcraft since it was released. I went through a period where it was all I did as well, straight home from work, didn't go out much it was just GAME GAME GAME all the time. (I never let hygeine, etc fail though lol) I was single at the time and my family doesn't live near me... Anyways the thing that ended up changing how much I played was my guild disbanded which meant no more raiding and time commitments. It was nothing to my own choice as to how it happened but it did. From that point on I played a bit more casually and have ever since. I still play everyday (well almost everyday) but have had periods of time where I havent played for a couple of months. During this time I have met and gotten engaged to my fiance - he knows that WoW is my hobby and he now plays too. But that is exactly what it is - a hobby.

Unfortunately I dont know what to tell you - but I've been where he is, and where the other posters friends/family members are - and I can't even explain it, but it entrenches you. To this day I still LOVE that game. It took my guild falling apart to change my play style and the fact that my closest friends played too (albeit other servers) we were all kind of in the same boat. Now we all play casually (actually my best friend met her now husband on WoW lol).

I hope things are going to be okay, I wish you and your family the best.

[newhope4me 0]

ozygirl, maybe i am enabling him, but its not my fault he has this addiction. I refuse to accept that blame. I was married for 10 yrs to a drug addict, this is no different, and still not my fault. he's an adult, he makes his choices, i'm not his mom, i will not tell him not to play. he should be mature enough to face his responsibilities. MHO

babygrl, i used to below to a WoW widow forum on yahoo, but i would share things that i read with him, and ironically, it affected our relationship, so i left that forum. my hubby has gained weight, has failed his physical fitness test twice-has since gotten back on track- because of this game. he came close to getting kicked out of the military due to failing that, in fact, we still dont know the final outcome. thats how bad it has affected his career.

ang, the following is not meant to offend you or anyone else...i despise him playing with other women on the game. before he got his headset and i would hear girls on vent, grrrr, this is our bedroom, i do not care to hear him having a great time, laughing and enjoying himself w/ another girl. i'm a tomboy myself so have no problem w/ girls playing, but i know how something innocent can eventually end up being something you didnt count on, i.e. your friend that met her husband. i have low self esteeem already, and if we already rarely do anything together, and then he's enjoying himself, has more in common w/ a stranger that can stroke all the right buttons for him, see where i'm heading with this?

he has been in i think about 3-5 different guilds, hasnt really slowed him down. in his guild now, its a "couples" guild, he's one of the few who isn't playing w/ a significant other. he's asked me to play, and i asked him who will cook, clean and raise my daughter? he didnt think that was funny.

thanksgiving sucked! he was the one who the night before suggested that we watch the parades together, at first i was like, theres no way i'm getting up @ 7, but then i remembered, DVR! so, we got up, i threw the turkey in the oven and then my daughter and i came in to watch the parade, he was playing. he asked if i wanted him to get off, i said no. because, i feel it was his friggin suggestion, he should have known that yes, i expected him to watch w/ us (just a great tip, watching a 3 hour parade on DVR, fast forwarding past all the commercials, parade is actually only an hour)

then, i spent most of the rest of the day cooking, he played. once i came in for something and he asked if it was ready, i told him, dont worry i'll bring it to you. he got this look on his face (exactly the look i was going for actually) that damn, i screwed up. he did get off to eat w/ us. then we got into an arguement. i asked who he was playing with, one is his best friend from back home. i asked what the hell was he doing playing, he's got 4 kids and a wife he should be spending time with. hubby told me, "he already ate" this incensed me! i told him, "o sorry, didn't realize that thanksgiving was just the food, i was under the impression that it was the whole day."

that, i believe, is when i told him that i'm tired of the cycle and i'm not going to argue about it anymore. sorry for such a long post, just trying to dump all this crap. today my daughter and i and a friend were seriously thinking about doing an intervention with him.

[Fanny Adams 7]

I'm speaking as a former gamer and one who understands the lure of the gaming addiction. I know that you have said several times that you don't want to tell him not to play or make his decisions for him, but I think you are missing the signals he is sending to say that he wants YOUR HELP in stopping.

Think of it in terms of a food addiction. Do you remember the last time you broke your diet pre-banding days? Imagine that you had promised yourself and everyone that you would lose the weight, but there you were again, on the couch with a bag of Cookies. You look up at your husband and ask him "Should I have one more?" He doesn't want to tell you what to do, wants to let you make your own decisions and take responsibility for your own actions, so he says "Sure hon, if you want to." You eat the cookie... you feel guilty... you reach for the next one and look up at him and ask, "Should I have one more?" Once again that sad disappointed look comes over his face but he still answers "Sure hon, if you want to."

How supportive in your dieting efforts would you think he was being, if he did this? As many times as you have said that you don't want to make his choices for him, you have said that he has ASKED you, "Should I stop now?" You have reported here that every time you have replied "No, it's fine."

I understand that you want him to take this responsibility but gaming addiction IS an addiction and it is incredibly hard to resist. I got myself to the point that I was barely speaking to family, would get completely antsy if I left the house for any length of time and would bail out on any social events after an hour or two because I just HAD to rush back and get back on the game.

He is reaching out to you and trying to do the right thing by asking you. By telling him that it's ok, he doesn't have to stop, you are not just enabling him, you are lying to him about your true feelings. It's not ok for him to play all day, is it? So why are you playing mind games with him and expecting him to know that even though you say it is ok, you don't really mean it. All that leads to is resentment from both of you - you resent him because you think he should know better, he resents you because he knows you're lying about how you feel but he can't resist the lure without your help.

Give him the help he's asking for and let him know honestly how you feel when he asks. If it is not ok, TELL him the truth. On the occasions when it IS ok, tell him that too and stop feeling resentful about it at the same time. Help him to plan fewer days, give him some incentives to get away. I know you don't want to feel that you have to "entertain him" but while you are trying to help him break the addiction, you have to help him to find something that occupies his attention in the same way.

That is the lure of the game - it is something that you can become completely absorbed in and that you have complete control over. It is a total escape from reality. When you first try to break away, your mind is used to thinking rapidly with total concentration on a few simple manouveurs. That brain buzz feeling is what is addictive, and it is hard to wean yourself away from it. You need to find something else that will get his attention and will include you and your family. Do you guys play cards? Board games? Get him out the house to go on a walk with you...

Last point re asking them to stop in the middle of a raid. A raid is a team effort with each participant having a carefully planned role. To just down tools and walk away in the middle of it, can mean that the entire raid, which several people have probably spent several hours planning, will fail and get everyone "killed". This is especially true if the hubby is a good key player. Imagine if he played football. Would you just ask him to walk off the field in the middle of a game? Can you imagine what that would do to the game, especially if he was the quarterback? How do you think his team mates would react if you showed up on the sidelines and demanded he drop the ball right in the middle of the winning play, and come home?

[Kat817 19]

I think I would keep a tally for say a week, of exactly how much time he spent in front of the computer, and how much time he spent with his child and wife.

At the end of the week show it to him, give him some details of what all you did while he was occupied with a game.

Then I would tell him, since he was always asking if it was time to quit, or if it was ok, that from now on, the answer was going to be NO, because it is being detrimental to your relationship, his job, his personal hygeine, everything else in his life suffers because of this game.

I know you hate to act like his Mom, but in my experience, military personel especially get used to being TOLD (ordered) as to what to do----and expect it. My Uncle retired Air Force, and he was lost! 30 years later, he still I guess thought someone would be over him to tell him what to do when! Finally he settled on a career, and has moved on, but he said it was hard to suddenly be adrift without superior officers. They do it to them, they take away pretty much all their independent thought, and give them back what they want them to be like, and act like. He is used to being told----it may be that you have to Tell him.

If he refuses to go to counseling, take your DD and go alone. She deserves to have the outside person telling her it is not her fault he ignores her. Kids have a way of blaming themselves for everything---some grow out of it----the rest of us grew up into women!!!!!

Kat

[MerryHearted 20]

I agree -- you are not his mom but you also need to tell him the truth when he asks.

YES, you've been on too long.

NO, I don't want you to go play.

Honestly, I got sucked into Everquest for awhile. DH and I both played. It affected my work, it affected everything. I gained weight, of course, eating crap while playing.

I quit when we adopted our baby daughter. For me it's an all-or-nothing game. It's no fun if you only play once in awhile, for a short time. So I don't play. I read, quilt, hang out on boards like this, play a game or two of Scrabble online, or whatever. Now that I've been out of playing for a couple years, I am a bit horrified at how attached I was to that game. Oh well.

Thankfully DH has great restraint. Yes, he's on most evenings for a couple hours, but only after the kids are in bed. He is a stay at home dad, but does not play during the day; his full attention is with the kids.

We decided from day 1 of parenthood that every night was family night until the kids are in bed, except each of us would get ONE night per week as our "night off" from the family to go do whatever we want. My night was tonight, as a matter of fact, and I went out, like I usually do. He always raids on his night off. But this is a deal that sets expectations and limits: we eat together as a family, we play games, do art projects, or read to the kids until bedtime, in the summer we often go to the park or for a walk on a local trail with them -- evenings and weekends are family time, unless it's your night off. There is also the expectation that the last hour before bed is OUR time as a couple. Off the computer. Normally we snuggle on the couch and watch TV, and take a few minutes to chat about stuff we didn't talk about earlier in the evening while the kids were up.

Sorry, that's kind of long. Just wanted to give you an idea of how we have set up some expectations & limits in our family in order to reclaim our family life and not lose DH to the game. Since he knows he can raid on his night off, he has something to look forward to and doesn't resent having to give it up entirely.

[MacMadame 81]

Last point re asking them to stop in the middle of a raid. A raid is a team effort with each participant having a carefully planned role. To just down tools and walk away in the middle of it, can mean that the entire raid, which several people have probably spent several hours planning, will fail and get everyone "killed". This is especially true if the hubby is a good key player. Imagine if he played football. Would you just ask him to walk off the field in the middle of a game? Can you imagine what that would do to the game, especially if he was the quarterback? How do you think his team mates would react if you showed up on the sidelines and demanded he drop the ball right in the middle of the winning play, and come home?

I was with you until you said this. It's JUST A GAME. The world won't end if the raid fails. Not to mention, why is a father and husband scheduling raids during family time to begin with...

The football analogy falls apart because teams don't schedule their practice from "as soon as work is over until you go to bed every weekday, plus some on weekends". WoW raiding requires a much more serious time commitment than playing intramural sports and raids involving adults are often scheduled during the evening after work in what should be family time so that they totally destroy family life.

Someone who wasn't addicted to the game would see this and would not raid more than once a week at most and would try to pick a time that didn't conflict with family events. But that's not what happens with these raids. They are all-consuming in a way that other hobbies are not.

[Fanny Adams 7]

I was with you until you said this. It's JUST A GAME. The world won't end if the raid fails. Not to mention, why is a father and husband scheduling raids during family time to begin with...

The football analogy falls apart because teams don't schedule their practice from "as soon as work is over until you go to bed every weekday, plus some on weekends". WoW raiding requires a much more serious time commitment than playing intramural sports and raids involving adults are often scheduled during the evening after work in what should be family time so that they totally destroy family life.

Someone who wasn't addicted to the game would see this and would not raid more than once a week at most and would try to pick a time that didn't conflict with family events. But that's not what happens with these raids. They are all-consuming in a way that other hobbies are not.

I agree with you about only picking one raid per week and having that not conflict with family events. I also agree that the game can become utterly time consuming and lead people into neglecting other facets of their life - that's one of the main reasons I have stopped playing. However, my point was more about the timing of asking them to stop. Picking the middle of the major guild raid of the week as the time to demand that your significant other just turns off the computer and walks away IS akin to asking a football player to just walk off the field in the middle of the game. It lets everyone else on the team down and will lead to HUGE resentment and very likely some volatile fights. A much better way to manage that would be for them to plan for the raid time and some practice time (not every night!) and to plan for family time too. When you are trying to break someone of the gaming habit, you need to pick your times for "battle" and right in the middle of a raid is the worst possible time.