losing friends?

[trish5713 2]

hey everyone! a while ago the social worker i had to meet with for my psych eval asked me if i understood that when people loose alot of weight some of their friends jump ship. this doesn't really bother me too bad since i've been trying to drop the ones that might be bothered by it anyway. has anyone dealt with this? is it more the surgery or the weight loss that turns people off?

[KLM3hrt 0]

I think when your bigger, you seem to gravitate to other big people as friends ... so whehter its jealousy or just that your becoming different then them , they tend to pull away. I had a gf that said that since i lost weight i think im better then everyone else and i talk and act different and wanted nothing more to do with me... my true friends told me that the only way im different is that im more willing to be outgoing and im more confident. Probally bc she was unwilling to be that way.. it intimidated her, all that on top of jealousy.... ended that friendship. It sucks but you gotta think its all for the better, because if thats how they want to be, they werent a true friend anyway. True friends support you no matter what or how you change.

[2BtinyinTN 1]

My BC social worker actually told me the same thing. She said to be prepared as I change so will the people around me. I have only one (overweight) friend who has made comments like "when you get skinny you won't want to hang around with me and she also asked me one day "when you get skinny are you going to forget what it is like to be heavy?". I can see her jumping ship. I will hate that but I have to do what is best for me.

[Michee 2]

I have more or less "lost" one friend. Before I got banded we would shop at plus size stores together, go to get manicures together, go to the french bakery and eat lots of yummy Desserts. Obviously we dont shop for clothing together anymore and I do not hang out at bakeries. I am interested in exercising, and that kind of stuff. She is not interested in that stuff, so we dont really have common interests at the moment. It's more about me changing, increased confidence etc. It's not really the weight loss or the surgery.

[Savedbygrace 11]

My surgical coordinator told me to be prepared for this too. I had never really thought about it. But I would assume it's due to the fact that we are living different than we used to. That doesn't make us feel that be are better than THEM.. just better than the old ME. I know for me.. there are tons of things I can't wait to do when I've lost enough weight to do them. So if that makes me different than I used to be... PRAISE GOD!! lol

[marineliebe 2]

I am the biggest out of all my friends, my best friend has had a little bit of a weight issue...she was maybe a 16 at her largest point, and that was in high school. now i would say shes around a 12/10. i don't think i would lose her as a friend, but i could see our relationship changing because she would view me more as compitition. even tho she has a bf shes a HUGE flirt, which in its self doesn't bother me...what bothers me is she will flirt with the guy she knows i'm interested in.

as for my other friends, they are all slender as well and i could also see them maybe gravitating away from me because as i said before, they will view me more as compititon rather than the funny girl.

wow now i'm sad :wink2:

[Angelyco 0]

Wow, nobody with my program mentioned that and I never really thought about it. The only friends I have right now though are guys and they're actually my fiancee's friends, I just hang out with them all. One guy WILL get very pissy though, because right now he's bigger than me, not by much, and already when I brought up that I'm getting the Lap-Band, he was saying things like "Oh, I'm doing Weight Watchers with my mom" and then eat a whole large pizza...yeah...anyways, he's very competitive and has to be better than everyone around him, so I know he'll be a pain in the you-know-what when I start losing. All of my friends back in Iowa will probably be supportive, but I haven't seen them in so long that it's kind of a moot point.

[Guest BikiniBeachy]

I think it's a hard situation because when you lose a lot of weight, of course many things change. The good ones will stick around, so it's nothing to waste any energy or too much thought over. Personally, I lost most my friends when I gained weight. Some made the decision, but when I lost my self esteem I realized that life is too short to be around people who hurt my feelings or weren't pleasing ... So, it ended! I've had trouble meeting new people since the recent weight gain, mostly because I'm scared of social situations. I look forward to the banding and the loss, so I can meet new friends.

[drew05 20]

I read this thread a while back and I was putting some more thought in to it... and I could see a few of my friends kind of falling to the wayside because of my weight loss. Now, none of these are going to be my great friends or any of my female friends, but some of my fellow guy friends who would see me as competition. A lot of them like to go to clubs and bars with me because I make girls feel comfortable. I'm funny and I'm not always trying to get in their pants. But I could see those same guys not wanting to hang out with me because I could be competition. And to that I say oh well. If they were true friends they would still be there.

Something else. I have a few larger friends too, not a lot though. I could DEFIANTLY see them not wanting to hang out with me because of my weight loss. I wouldn't be a fellow fat guy. I wouldn't want to go with them to fast food places late at night. I mean yeah, it's kind of sad to think they would toss me out like that, but then again you gotta think that if they are so quick to toss you aside, maybe they weren't your true friends. I know my best friends will be there no matter what.

Woo. I'm done with my essay of a response. :thumbup:

[AppleSmith1226 1]

I have been banded for a little over 3 months now and yeah my friends are starting to fizzle too. All of my fat friends don't wanna talk to me much and I mainly talk about my weight alot cause I am so excited I mean I talk about other stuff too but they now have NOTHING to say about my weight and don't wanna discuss it. My skinny friends are the one's that cool with it. And my hubby was so excited he hadn't seen me (he's military) since I had lost any of my weight and mouth literally dropped. It felt so good to see his face. But now that I am losing and my fat friends constantly pig out still ... this upsets me and sometime disgust me that I used to be that way. A few of them know about my surgery and I am angry that they don't care about their weight at all and that totally love being fat and unhealthy. I feel bad about these feelings cause I used to be them and I am so not trying to be judgemental but this is the attitude that they portray. But anyway other than that fuck em! I dont care if it's like that you never were my true friend anyone. I don't have time for hatin' ass b!tches in my life. I am only accepting positive people in my circle right now.

[msjessy 0]

I guess I've had a similar (or opposite) situation, depending on how you look at it.

My best friend is also overweight. She quietly went thru all of the testing and surgery without saying anything to me. She didn't say anything about the surgery until a week after it was done, and that was ONLY because I told her that I was thinking of having it done and started telling her about the seminar I went to, and the Dr that I was using. She really only jumped out and said something bc it is the same doctor/facility we are using.

So while I wish I could have been there for her, she didn't allow me to be.

Now that I am going thru this journey I could really use her support (especially since she knows EXACTLY what to expect) but she no longer will return my phone calls or emails! And she's changed her work schedule so I no longer know when she is home. (And stalking her just doesn't fit into my busy schedule :cry_smile:)

She lost 15 pounds in the first week after surgery (the last week of February), and that was the last time I talked to her. We've been friends for almost 10 years.

[marineliebe 2]

I guess I've had a similar (or opposite) situation, depending on how you look at it.

My best friend is also overweight. She quietly went thru all of the testing and surgery without saying anything to me. She didn't say anything about the surgery until a week after it was done, and that was ONLY because I told her that I was thinking of having it done and started telling her about the seminar I went to, and the Dr that I was using. She really only jumped out and said something bc it is the same doctor/facility we are using.

So while I wish I could have been there for her, she didn't allow me to be.

Now that I am going thru this journey I could really use her support (especially since she knows EXACTLY what to expect) but she no longer will return my phone calls or emails! And she's changed her work schedule so I no longer know when she is home. (And stalking her just doesn't fit into my busy schedule :thumbup:)

She lost 15 pounds in the first week after surgery (the last week of February), and that was the last time I talked to her. We've been friends for almost 10 years.

omg that is so sad! i wonder why she is being that way? maybe try shooting her an email or letter and explain how you are feeling? thats sad that she wouldn't want to be there for you! you guys would be great support for each other! i hope she comes around!

[YoungNy 1]

It's funny, my friends and co-workers took me out last night for one last horrah before my surgery and one of my friends who is thin, but doesn't consider herself to be beautiful. Honestly, she's no supermodel, but she's not ugly. She just has this thing about "beautiful people". So she begged me last night not change after I lose weight. She thinks every problem she has had in her life had been because of her looks and that after I lose weight I won't have those problems anymore. I told I would just be more confident and again she said she liked me the way I am now and begged me not to lose too much weight and not to change. I fear that after I do lose the weight no matter what I do she will see me as changed and not want to be my friend anymore.:wink2:

[msjessy 0]

omg that is so sad! i wonder why she is being that way? maybe try shooting her an email or letter and explain how you are feeling? thats sad that she wouldn't want to be there for you! you guys would be great support for each other! i hope she comes around!

I'm hoping to. Still no answer, and I've sent 2 emails, and have probably called 1x or 2x a week since then.

My sister, who is also friends with my BF's sister, asked her how she was doing, and even the sister ignored her and didn't answer.

I just want my friend back!!

[vegwannabe 1]

It's funny how we assume once we make a friend that they will be with us for the rest of our lives. Honestly, how often does that ever really happen?

I've known some wonderful people who I will always consider "friends", even though we spend very little time together, if at all. People come and go from our lives every day. It's extremely rare that one sticks for any length of time. We should be grateful for the time we do have them in our lives, not begrudge them for going out of our lives. At least that's how I try to look at it. Otherwise I'd be angry and hurt all the time. (Not good because I'm an emotional eater!)

The world is in constant motion. We change all the time. You can't expect friendships to stand still. (Waxing poetic here, sorry.)

To say someone is not a "true friend" belittles your experience with them. Better to look at them as deeply flawed humans, just like everyone else.

Dont' be afraid to become the person you aspire to become just because friends, family or anyone else tells you not to change. It's their loss if they aren't willing to put any effort into making a friendship with the "new" you work. What matters is how you feel about yourself and how you take care of yourself. You will make new friends.

Sorry if I sound preachy.