Whoa, am I ever confused!

[Frangipani 1]

Hi Guys,

I am going through something right now and I thought I would check in to see if anyone else is feeling the same way..........

I suddenly realized the other day that I'm simply not capable of judging how I look. I mean (even though I do still have another 24 pounds to lose), I guess I'm not fat anymore. I am a size ten now, which seems like a somewhat "normal" size, but when I look in the mirror I'm still seeing a very heavyset person. I definitely "feel" better, no aches and pains and I can feel that I'm carrying less weight, but to me, I still "look" pretty much like I always did.

I don't know, it's just really weird. Maybe plastic surgery will take care of this problem as it is certainly possible that all of this sagging and bagging skin is altering my perception of myself -- or perhaps it will just take time for my brain to catch up with my body.

I can't say that this is a self-esteem issue per se, I don't feel badly about myself, I just still "think" I'm fat........

Does this make sense? Is anyone else having this problem?

[TexasBecky 1]

Yes, I'm having some issues with this. I think its pretty common, since most American women have distorted body images regardless of their size. When I've got my Spanx on (the ones that go up to the bra and down over the thighs) I feel pretty trim. But without a shaper I still feel very heavy - especially when I'm sitting down and the excess skin spills over my waist band. I know the plastic surgery will fix that issue, but I also think it is just going to take some time to adjust to the difference in body size. We've had a pretty dramatic change in a short amount of time.

Yesterday I went to the dermatologist that I've been going to for about 15 years (damned psoriasis) and her nurse didn't even recognize me. When the doctor came in they just went crazy and called another nurse in to see me. I know if people are reacting this way, I really must look dramatically different. None the less, if I don't feel happy with my size after the ps, I may talk to a therapist. I don't want to be one of those people who is never satisfied. It has always irritated me when my thin friends complain about all their flaws.

[salsa1877 10]

OMG...I am so with you. I have been having this problem for several months now. I am hoping that the PS will take care of some of it. When I look at my belly (and you have all seen the pictures) it truly does still look like I am 250 pounds. It was just yesterday when I was trying on my Eugene Marathon t-shirt that I looked in the mirror and though...WOW you really are thin. But then my mind said..yeah but that is only because you have a steel girdle holding all your fat in. I know I need to quit thinking like this because in all honesty I don't have a whole lot of fat left. I am not skin and bones, but besides my tummy area (which will be removed with PS) I am very defined.

I think we are going to struggle with this for a while. After all if you look at my situation (and I use this because I KNOW my situation) I have been fat for pretty much my whole life. I was put on my first diet at 8 years old. I had my lap-band installed when I was 28. So for 20 years I was used to seeing myself fat. I ridiculed myself for being fat and my brain just has that picture ingrained in it. After all it saw that same picture for 20 years. I have only been "thin" for about 2 months. My brain has not caught up. It still sees myself as 250 pounds. One thing that I have done is to put a before and after picture on my desk at work so that I can see the 2 side by side and remind myself when I start having the "I need to lose weight because I am still fat" mindset to remind me that I really don't have weight to lose.

I do think that PS will HELP...but I don't think it will be the answer. Our minds just haven't reprogrammed themselves.

On another note...there are going to be people that tell you that they WISH they had this problem. Be prepared for that. I have gotten it a lot lately...and I just look at them and say "Well I hope you never have this problem." It can be very taxing mentally. For me, it is just one more thing that I have to find a plan to deal with. However I do think this is why maintenance is so hard and why, at least for me, I can't just rely on how I look. THis is why I still weigh all my food and count all of my calories. SInce my brain still sees me as fat, I don't think it will recognize it if I start gaining weight.

I am so glad that other people are talking about this because I have been struggling for about a month with this whole situation!

[Frangipani 1]

Great posts Becky and Salsa -- you both have a lot of wisdom to share!!!!

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one going through this warped sense of reality right now. I think you have definitely helped me to clarify this issue -- it is the sagging and bagging skin that this causing me to feel "not normal."

Well, at least we don't have an overblown sense of ourselves, which I have also seen happen with women who lose a lot of weight. I much prefer humility over excessive ego -- don't you?

[Candle 11]

I'm right there with you ladies! 100%

The last 10lbs or so have really been a turning point for me though. Suddenly I *am* starting to notice that I look different – only took 110lbs – lol! I have a waiste, my legs look thinner and longer (?!) and even my chubby cheeks are getting thinner!!! woo-hoo!!!!

I even got whistled at yesterday by 2 guys in a truck when I was walking my dog.

BUT

Get me naked ... and I still see a 300lb woman. Which is ironic because I don't think I was really SEEING myself as a 300lb woman for all those years. I look at pictures now and I can't believe that was me! My breasts are saggy and deflated now and my stomach area is a mess. I'm in a size 12 pants but I can't buy any of the cute low rise ones - I need the "mom jeans" that I can pull up over my muffin top. If it wasn't for my muffin top and pani, I could wear a size 10 and all my tops have to be a bigger size and long, to cover my "front butt"

I worry sometimes that I'm just never going to be happy with how I look. I'm trying really hard to focus on my original goals:

-Get healthy and off all medications - check

-Have more energy and get back into LIVING life - check

-Not have to shop in a plus size store - check

-Weigh less than my boyfriend – check (hehe)

They say that PS doesn’t cure body image issues and that you really should work through all the head stuff before PS or you could be setting yourself up for a disappointment but in extreme cases like mine/our’s I don’t see how that could be entirely true. My tummy looks much like Salsa’s but a little bigger and more saggy. Plus, I have the saggy boobs and back fat still. With all this weight loss, sometimes I feel like I’m swimming in Water – weightless and free of all those extra pounds but then I still have a huge tire around my mid-section pulling me down.

We'll all work through it, I guess. It really does help to know others are dealing with the same issues and these feelings of abnormality are really ... well ... normal - lol.

Edited May 6, 2008 by Candle

[salsa1877 10]

Get me naked ... and I still see a 300lb woman. Which is ironic because I don't think I was really SEEING myself as a 300lb woman for all those years. I look at pictures now and I can't believe that was me! My breasts are saggy and deflated now and my stomach area is a mess. I'm in a size 12 pants but I can't buy any of the cute low rise ones - I need the "mom jeans" that I can pull up over my muffin top. If it wasn't for my muffin top and pani, I could wear a size 10 and all my tops have to be a bigger size and long, to cover my "front butt"

.

That is so true. I never saw myself at 250 pounds as THAT big...but holy crap I just came across a before picture and I just about crapped my pants. Yesterday I saw myself in my workout shirt and I finally thought...yep I am thin...I still can't bring myself to think that I am skinny though!

I do think that PS will help us some. I don't think it will cure all of our woes, but it will give us a place to start becoming more familiar with our bodies without being disgusted by it. For me, I am going into PS with very low expectations. Nothing she can do could make me look WORSE than I do right now. I don't expect to come out looking skinny, I just don't want to have the EXACT same rolls as I did 95 pounds ago!

[Frangipani 1]

Great post Candle (and Salsa again too)!

Once again you have reinforced that PS is pretty much the answer here. Our bodies while at (or approaching) a normal BMI are not the same as a "normal," never morbidly obese, body, and that is the problem.

I honestly do think that PS will cure most of my woes because I feel pretty good about myself right now. My only real issue at this point in time is that I am dissatisfied (from a purely aesthetic standpoint) about how my body looks and that I don't have the full range of options as to the type of clothing I can wear.

Becky said in another thread that we shouldn't have to carry around a constant reminder of being fat, and I wholeheartedly agree. Once I get my PS (and hence remove this constant reminder), my goal is to let the painful "fat years" fade into a distant memory (while remembering the good times of course).

I don't want my life ever again to be about "being fat," -- and to dwell on the fact that I was "formerly fat," would be doing so. Once I get my body into the range of normality, I am fully prepared (I believe) to be very "normal", happy and healthy!

Edited May 6, 2008 by Frangipani

[Candle 11]

Salsa just made a perfect comparison for anyone dealing with these issues - proof this stuff is not just in our heads. If I took a naked picture of a [normal] girl my height, weight, and body shape and compared it to my own ... you would never be able to guess both women were the same weight. Looking at my naked body - you'd probably think I weigh about 250lbs!!

It's really sad to me that I did so much damage to my body. When newbies ask if anyone has regrets about being banded, it sounds so cliché but it is sooooooo true - my only regret is not doing this sooner.

I don't want my life ever again to be about "being fat," -- and to dwell on the fact that I was "formerly fat," would be doing so. Once I get my body into the range of normality, I am fully prepared (I believe) to be very "normal", happy and healthy!

You are so dead on with those comments. I always felt like I was defined by my weight but only in hindsight do I really see how much of my life was about being fat. There are so many experiences that I passed up as a kid or a young adult. I never played sports, tried new things like playing an instrument, or horse back riding, etc because I was always worried about drawing unnecessary attention to myself. Then later in life there were things I just couldn't physically do - tropical vacations that required a bathing suit, or amusement parks, etc.

Letting go of a lot of regrets and learning to be a healthy person - mentally and physically - has been more of a challenge than I was expecting but at the same time I feel more in touch with myself and the “real” me, than I ever remember feeling.

[TexasBecky 1]

You are all so insightful. I do think it helps to talk about these issues and work through them. This is not exactly a subject that I feel comfortable discussing with just anybody. The fact that we are all dealing with the same issues is very comforting.

When you are 100 pounds overweight it just can't help but shape practically every aspect of your life. I too regret all the years wasted with obesity controlling my thoughts and limiting my actions. I can't get back those years but I don't want to waste any more time being, looking, or feeling fat. I want my body to reflect all the changes I've made in my life. I don't expect it to be perfect, just normal looking and an accurate reflection of my actual size and weight. I think that is a perfectly reasonable and healthy attitude.

[pizzicato66 1]

Oh lord, do I hear ya! I feel pretty good in clothes (although I'm itching for smaller jeans again), but put me in front of a mirror naked, and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! No shorts for me, either! My thighs are still pretty mushy and baggy, so any pants that are snug but thinner fabric looks kinda scary (creases in strange ways). I need to shop around for some knee-length shorts for beach walks soon! I'm putting faith in things tightening up more with all the walks lately, and with continued loss. Hoping for the best!

Amazing how situations, clothing choices etc. can shift your self-perception, isn't it?!

[NanaRenan 0]

I'm SO right there!

Since I don't work outside the home, most of my social contacts are through my church. And of course people are constantly commenting on my weight loss and asking 'How much?" But my brain says, "They're just making small talk and it's a change from discussing the weather."

Then yesterday I go in for a check up -- my "9 month", but it's actually 10.5 months due to my port revision. The doctor and his staff are just GIDDY with how great I look and they show me the BEFORE photo. And I can see almost NO difference. In fact -- I still wear the top and skirt I have on in the photo!!! Okay, they're both 95% spandex and the skirt IS a tad LOOSE....but still....

:-(

And for a few months buying new clothes was a lot of fun. Then all of a sudden I've hit a spell and it seems that my "in transition but smaller" body is WAY harder to dress than my old BIG body was. Reason being the extra weight I still have to loose is ALL between my ribs and my pubes (pardon my crassness!) So I'm still having to 'fit' the belly. Even when I've smooshed it into a girdle it's stll big.

When I started I was pretty much a 26/28 from top to bottom. Now I can wear 14/16 on top, but I'm 20/22 on bottom and it's all because of the waist. Below that, I have no hips and suffer from NAAA. (That's No-Ass-At-All for those who don't know!)

Whine-whine anyone got a good low-fat cheese to go with my WHINEfest over here??

Pam<---feeling like someone needs to talk her back in off the ledge some days!

[di1138 8]

I am not banded yet but certainly understand what you are seeing. I look at pictures of myself at 150 lbs and remember thinking how fat I was. I had gone up from a size 6 to 10 and felt like I was as big as a house. Now I really am! I have yo-yoed many times and even though I got down to 160 2 years ago I felt no different than I do now at 250. Boy are we our own worst enemies!

[Frangipani 1]

I'm SO right there!

Since I don't work outside the home, most of my social contacts are through my church. And of course people are constantly commenting on my weight loss and asking 'How much?" But my brain says, "They're just making small talk and it's a change from discussing the weather."

Then yesterday I go in for a check up -- my "9 month", but it's actually 10.5 months due to my port revision. The doctor and his staff are just GIDDY with how great I look and they show me the BEFORE photo. And I can see almost NO difference. In fact -- I still wear the top and skirt I have on in the photo!!! Okay, they're both 95% spandex and the skirt IS a tad LOOSE....but still....

:-(

And for a few months buying new clothes was a lot of fun. Then all of a sudden I've hit a spell and it seems that my "in transition but smaller" body is WAY harder to dress than my old BIG body was. Reason being the extra weight I still have to loose is ALL between my ribs and my pubes (pardon my crassness!) So I'm still having to 'fit' the belly. Even when I've smooshed it into a girdle it's stll big.

When I started I was pretty much a 26/28 from top to bottom. Now I can wear 14/16 on top, but I'm 20/22 on bottom and it's all because of the waist. Below that, I have no hips and suffer from NAAA. (That's No-Ass-At-All for those who don't know!)

Whine-whine anyone got a good low-fat cheese to go with my WHINEfest over here??

Pam<---feeling like someone needs to talk her back in off the ledge some days!

Hi Nana,

Sorry it took me a while to respond to your post, but I did enjoy it!!!.

NAAA syndrome -- LOL :drool:! Trust me, I'm there too, which is remarkable considering that I was previously the world's largest "pear"!!!!

I also suffered from NBAA (no boobs at all) syndrome, but fortunately with the help of my plastic surgeon and a little "silicone therapy," I'm happy to report that I'm in complete remission :thumbup:!

Keep your posts coming lady, you crack me up!

I am not banded yet but certainly understand what you are seeing. I look at pictures of myself at 150 lbs and remember thinking how fat I was. I had gone up from a size 6 to 10 and felt like I was as big as a house. Now I really am! I have yo-yoed many times and even though I got down to 160 2 years ago I felt no different than I do now at 250. Boy are we our own worst enemies!

Hi Di,

Thanks for your post. Are you scheduled to be banded soon?