Life After Your Lap-band: Don't let shame and self-blame weigh you down

[MelissaMcCreery 0]

A huge mistake that people make as they work, and sometimes struggle, to lose weight and/or maintain weight loss after Lap Band surgery involves getting stuck in self-blame. The truth is, weight loss and changing our eating is a complicated business. When we struggle with weight loss, it can be so easy to react with anger and frustration with ourselves. Unfortunately that’s a slippery slope. Self-blame and self-criticism can seriously undermine weight loss efforts. Here are three ways self-blame can sabotage your weight loss success:

1. Self-blame breeds shame.

Self-blame is different from accountability. Accountability means being honest with yourself about what you did or didn’t do. Self-blame involves judgment. I often hear words from my clients about their behavior like “weak” or “stupid” or “lazy.” These type of judgments aren’t helpful, are rarely accurate, and always breed negative self esteem and shame.

Shame is the most isolating and one of the most painful emotions we can experience. When we feel shame, we feel bad. We feel like there is something actually wrong with us and we may even want to be invisible. We don't want anyone to see either our shame or ourselves and we may avoid connecting with others. We want to disappear. What makes this even more problematic is that shame is very difficult to pull yourself out of on your own. Feelings of shame can be very powerful and very limiting.

Solid support is one of the most important tools for success whenever we are making any major change and shame causes people to isolate, avoid others, and miss out on the support they can provide.

2. Self-blame and shame cause us to lose perspective.

When we blame ourselves and get lost in shame we also tend to lose perspective. If we believe that the problem is "us," then it becomes easier to believe that we are alone in our struggles and that no one else will understand.

One of the biggest mistakes a Lap Band patient can make is assuming they are alone in struggling or having questions or difficulties after weight loss surgery. When we struggle alone and blame ourselves, a problem that was originally small can quickly become much larger.

I have worked with far too many weight loss surgery patients who have avoided support groups because they are afraid of being judged or are embarrassed to admit they are struggling. Because they are stuck in shame and self-blame, these individuals miss out on learning that they are not alone. They miss out on learning about the strategies and resources that others have discovered or developed. Connecting with others is an incredibly powerful tool and shame can prevent us from using it.

3. The heaviness of shame and the weight of self blame interfere with successful weight loss.

In fact, getting stuck in self-blame might be the biggest trap that Lap Band patients can get hung up in. When people hit a rough patch with their eating or their weight loss surgery lifestyle and they are trapped in shame and self-blame, they can get very, very stuck. Instead of taking a step back, evaluating why their plan failed, and looking compassionately at what they need to tweak in order to be successful, people stuck in self-blame beat themselves up emotionally for their past failures and commit to being tougher or harder on themselves, or more rigid and strict the next go-round. This can be a big mistake.

When we stay stuck in self-blame and shame we limit our ability to be curious and to think creatively. We become less able to look at a situation objectively, identify what didn't work or how we got into the trap that we did. When we are stuck in shame and self-blame, our minds are less likely to work to create some new options, modify our plan for next time, or generate ideas about how we can be more successful. Self blame tends to leave us with only one option--"just try harder." Unfortunately that's not often a very helpful approach.

Learning how self-judgment and shame can get in your way isn't always all you need to change it. Have you ever tried to stop being hard on yourself? It's really not so easy. It takes practice, persistence, and the right tools. It can also be very helpful to have the support of another person or a group who can see past your shame and self-blame and help you move out of it as well.

Many weight loss programs don't address shame and self-blame at all, and even fewer provide the necessary tools and skills to help you move past it. This is unfortunate, because moving past self-blame and shame is crucial for creating enduring success (and enduring weight loss) after weight loss surgery.

It's challenging work, but once you start to develop the right tools and you are able to step outside of that self-blame, it's absolutely amazing how much easier some of the other steps towards success can be.

Melissa McCreery, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and the founder of Enduring Change Coaching. She helps her clients create and live their very best lives and specializes in helping weight loss surgery patients maximize their success after surgery. Melissa is the creator of the Emotional Eating Toolbox , a 28-Day Self-Guided Program for Taking Control of Emotional Eating and Moving Beyond Dieting. Learn more about the programs she offers and register for a free five session audio e-course, at her website: www.emotionaleatingsolutions.com

Copyright 2008 - Melissa McCreery, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Edited November 20, 2008 by MelissaMcCreery