A dilemma, I have an overweight child...

[LindaD 3]

I am currently pursuing a band. I don't have a date yet, but I've started the process and am hopeful it will be in the coming months.

I have a child who is 6 and overweight. I actually have 3 children in the home, 2 are "average" in body size/weight and the 6 year old is big.

We are (and have been) working on making family wide changes for a while now, toward the goal of helping the 6 year old without singling her out. Honestly, I don't believe she sees herself as chubby/fat - it just asn't occurred to her, and she fortunately has not (yet) been teased by peers.

So here is my question - I had all along assumed that I would share with my kids that the doctor did a procedure on me that helps me to lose weight. Maybe because I'm a pretty transparent person and I figure they will see/hear/know so I might as well just be the one to tell them.

But my worry is the 6 year old... Maybe not now, but later - in a year or two, will the message she takes in be that "Mommy wasn't good enough when she was fat, and so I"m not good enough because I am fat." (if she is still overweight, that is)?? Or will it be "Mommy got to get thin because she had this thing done but I don't get to - no fair."

Might I inadvertently create jealousy or inadequacy/self-doubt or self-loathing, etc?

I don't want to hurt my child. I NEVER want her to feel like I think she's anything less than a spectacular kid. I feel like I'm sending mixed messages to her by doing this.

[Abby Normal 0]

Im no expert. I havent been banded, but am in the process, like yourself. I have kids (little ones, so I dont think they will remember much), but what about emphasizing the health aspect of the surgery. Its not that you as a person are not good enough, but your health is not as good as you need it to be to be a "good" mommy. Maybe just trying to completely take out the part where you lose weight, and make it more about getting super healthy and strong, and learning new ways to handle food.

My kids are the reason Im doing this. Yes, I want to fit into skinny clothes, and feel better about myself, and yes, I dont want to continue on the un-healthy road Im on now....but I KNOW that if I didnt have kids, this surgery wouldnt even have occured to me. They are the reason why I want to stick around for as long as possible.

I dont know if this helps at all, but I wish you luck!

[Wheetsin 714]

What if you explained it from a health perspective, but in terms a child would understand, so that the thoughts of self-worth weren't necessarily associated?

"Mommy has <illness> and this is going to help her feel better"? or "Mommy has a hard time breathing when she goes up the stairs" or "Mommy can't run around with you as much as she would like to"? I don't have kids yet, so I'm just pulling this out of my butt, no idea how kids would actually respond. :thumbup:

[kellygirl0520 0]

I completly feel your pain. I am scheduled to get my band next week and also have an overweight child (10yrs girl). Originally, I was not going to tell her what I was doing because she has a poor self body image and obsesses about weight. I did not want her to think that surgery is "the easy" way out, or to think she could also do the same. She found some paperwork about the procedure and informed me that "she knew what I was doing." I was very honest and told her the truth. I don't know if I would get so in depth with a six year old though. I would make things as simple and age appropriate for the little one as possible. When she gets a little older, you can explain a little more. I would just emphasize how important it is to be healthy and make good food choices. Try not to make it too complex. She will most likely take what you give her. Good luck!

[Onnie67 0]

I can only say this...i have 3 boys...my middle son is overweight..the other 2 boys are "average"...by middle son is 6'8" AND 360lbs. he is going to try eating what i eat and how i eat. Now, I realize that it may be hard for him with out the band, but we are going to try. he will do the Protein first, veggies, then carbs. We are also going to walk nightly together. Maybe, by doing this my son can loose weight. I am hoping so.

[westcoastmom 3]

I was banded 5 weeks ago. I can only give you my perspective. I think we all know our kids better than anyone else...

I have 2 girls, aged 10 and 6. My husband is very fit and thin as are both my girls. I have friends who are concerned with weight and others who are not. I also have friends who talk constantly about weight. One thing I have always done is make sure that we do not talk about feeling bad about how we "look" in front of our kids. That includes anytime I might hear friends speaking that way. I make sure to change the conversation and I always let my friends know that my kids will get enough of this information at some point from society.

I think it is important that they get a good foundation from people close to them to show that it is OK to feel good about yourself regardless of your weight or what you look like. They know that people come in all shapes, sizes and colors and that is what makes the world fun and exciting.

We do talk about being healthy. We talk about what food feed our brain and body. We talk about being about to eat everything in moderation and thinking about what we put into our bodies. When they pack their lunches for school, they think about putting in a protien, a fruit, and a veggie.

When I went in for surgery, I just told them I was having a procedure done that was not big deal, and would help me be a bit more healthy. I was not ready to tackle the bigger issue with them about my weight. If they ask me more questions as I lose weight, I might decide to talk with them more at that point depending on their questions.

I have talked with my older daughter about being teased as a child about my weight. She has seen children getting teased about lots of things. And as they both develop a larger sense of empathy, she like to talk about things that happened to me as a child and how I handled things.

Good luck in your journey!

[Bel 1]

hi,

Just my opinion but i think you should explain it to her, explain you are doing it for your health and with your changed eating habbits by the time she gets to a stage where her peers would tease her she would be eating like mummy and exercising with mummy and be a healthy, happy little girl.

I was banded when i just turned 16yrs and i was tormented at school, the best thing you can do is help her understand you are getting it because you want to be healthy and that health is important :-)

Bel

[pearlygirl 1]

I don't have any good advice for you but just wanted to say that your post made me teary. You are an AMAZING mom and I can't imagine that you'll ever make her feel anything less than spectacular!! You got some good advice as far as keeping about your health and maybe not even mentioning the weight.

[nikkikki2292 2]

Not trying to be rude, but don't tell her.

She is going to ask questions, and she most likely will wonder in a few years, why come you can get the surgery done, but she can't?

Been there, done that.

I don't know, if your anywhere close to Chicago, but they have a pediatric and adolecent weight loss center.

They specialize in weight on kids.

They have nutritionists, physical therapy, psycologists[sp?],

and just regular doctors that specialize in weight for pediatrics.

They also have the lap band surgery, but I think that's only for kids that are older then 14.

Which obviously shes not that age, lol, but mabey in a few years you can check up on that if you wanted too.

But if you want any info on it, just let me knoww.

Nikki<3

[newhope4me 0]

i have been banded for almost 2 months now and i have a daughter. I never wanted her to think i did this because i am "fat" and this will make me "skinny" as both connatations are negative(and i don't allow the kids to say those words). I emphasized the health aspects. I am going to be 40 this year, and yes there are many health aspects i want to avoid so as not to follow in many family members footsteps.

my daughter at this time has no weight issue, but she is nearing an age where i dont think it matters, as society and peers will influence her a lot (hopefully i have prepared her for this and it wont counter anything i've taught her thus far), i believe i only mentioned the weight loss as a side effect of getting healthier, not as my goal. i think if she were younger, i wouldnt mention the weight loss at all, only the health benefits, the change in eating for my health (as mentioned previously, i.e. breathing easier, being able to run around w/ her, etc). i agree with you she should not be singled out, you sound like a great mom.

my family has changed its eating habits due to my new restrictions. they arent eating exactly the same amounts/ foods, but we have no more sugary items, only healthy carbs, real foods, not junk foods in the house.

My boys, both grown, know what the band does, but even with them, i emphasized the healthy benefits. I don't think the band was made only for people to get "skinny" otherwise it wouldnt be required to be of a certain bmi, or have specific health issues. if it was only to get "skinny" hell, those size 7's would be getting it to get into size 0's.

[Liz1531 3]

Okay, I am going to be REALLY blunt here. Your daughter is going to feel insecure, she will be made fun of and she will suffer for being fat. My advice to you is to get the band and start a revolution with your entire family. Make healthy meals/snacks and get them moving! You have so much power to lead by example. Show your daughter how much fun it is to excercise as a family. I was only slightly chubby as an adolecent and that was mortifying and awful enough. Even though your other children are healthy weights doesn't mean they won't benefit from living a healthier lifestyle. I wish you and your family the best of luck and I wish your daughter a lifetime free from the embarresment of being a fat kid.

[pjlajara 0]

I always believe it is better to be up front and open with my children. They know that I am unhappy being overweight. Three months after having my band - they can see a difference in my appearance plus with how much I can do that I couldn't do a couple months back. My 12 year old is also overweight and was upset in the beginning but is really supportive now that she has seen the changes in me. She is now watching what she eats!

[newhope4me 0]

Liz, I understand what your saying, but its not always true. I know many overweight people who do not feel insecure. Be it the way they were raised, maybe the environment they grew up in wasn't so negative against overweight people, or whatever, they are very confident. I doesnt always happen that heavy people are insecure and made fun of (yes, maybe it does happen to them, but maybe they are lucky and oblivious to it). Plus there are people that find larger bodies sexy, in fact, i once had a man tell me he thought i was not big enough.

My daughter (who is a bean pole) came home crying a couple of years ago because the little girl down the street told her she was too skinny and made my daughter feel like crap about being thin. The other little girl is a thick girl, not fat, but thick (personally i hate that word because i've heard myself described that way, but couldnt think of another word). The other little girl is very confident, very sure of herself. She is a lovely girl, no matter her size, except of course the day she made my daughter feel like crap.

I still believe in emphasizing the health benefits and not the weight issues. And just think, the healthy eating habits we teach them when they are young will (hopefully) carry on into the next generations.

[Telecia 1]

One thing I realized early on after becoming a parent was that kids are more aware of things then parents sometimes give them credit for, 9 times out of 10 if theres something causing stress/grief/problems in the house even if you deliberately try to keep it away from the kids they seem to know SOMETHING is wrong. And not understanding it for a kid can be terrifying!

So I have always been open and honest about everything with my kids, that way if there is a problem they end up feeling more secure and more ready to face whatever the problem is.

Amazingly enough they can sometimes offer support/suggestions to you even! :wub:

When they are small it can be really hard to explain things in a manner they can understand but you also don't have to have a 3 day lecture on the situation either.

What I would do is:

I would explain to her that we (as a family) had not been doing as much for our health as we should have been so now I had to have a bit of help to help with my making my health better. And that mean surgery for something that would help me eat less.

Then start setting better examples for her as she grows up.

She will most likely really enjoy helping you exercise and by making it fun for you both helps keep you motivated, and become your #1 cheerleader/coach. It will be MUCH easier teaching her at a young age better eating/exercise habits.

As she gets older and can better understand the complexities of the band she will ask more questions.

I wish I had heard of the band BEFORE my daughter hit her teens because now shes all teenage angsty and not open to my advice/concerns (adults suck don't you know! we live to make our kids miserable! lol ) to her about her health. At 15 shes in a womans 22/24 and eats mostly carbs, refuses to do things that could be considered exercise etc.

My oldest who's 20 and my youngest who's just turned 13 (both boys) are becoming my best support system

and semi coaches.

Heck my 13 year old just 4 days ago chewed me out for splurging and having smoked sausage sandwiches and tater tots for dinner. lol

Something we only have maybe twice a month. He scolded me for not having veggies and 2 carbs in the meal.

[quiltergirl 0]

I had this same discussion with my nutrionist and she recommened a book call Your Child's Weight: Helping without harm. I just started reading it.