Help me respond to friend's negativity...

[Blund 0]

:confused:I need some help responding to my good friend, whom is the only person besides my DH & kids that I've told about my band. She's also overweight(and quit smoking 2 years ago). I'm sure she isn't doing it on purpous, but whenever the whole weight loss thing comes up, her conversation always includes things like "you inspire me, but I'm going to do it the hard (ie: right) way" or "I'm going to lose weight without something foreign inside me" or "the easy way out" bit.

So far, I've just let it pass, hoping it won't keep happening, and its not like its happening all the time. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive?? I don't think she even realizes the negativity and I know she isn't trying to be malicious.

I know I've made the right decision for myself and I know thats all that matters, but It would be nice to have her support or at least no negative comments. I don't want to tear into her or anything. I know its just a matter of her not being aware of how the band works, etc.

Any input would be appreciated. I'm having trouble coming up with a good response and I would like to nip it in the bud.

Thanks, Barb

[Bunkey1965 2]

I have a friend at work that asks me when I get to my goal, I need to have my band removed and "be normal again", She hasnt a clue on what I am going through. I realized I cant change her mind but I CAN change how I feel about her being naieve. I CHOOSE to not buy into her comments. Shell never understand. How great it would be if I could CHANGE her opinion! But I have found I dont need her approval. I at least have my DH on myside and thats WAY more important.

[snowbird 2]

You know, I was thinking about this "easy way" thing the other day. I was wondering if doctors came up with a surgical way to cure or alleviate alcoholism, would everyone tell alcoholics they shouldn't take the "easy way" out? I don't think so. In fact, I bet it would be instantly the acceptable way to cure alcoholism.

For some reason, even the obese among us feel that obesity is merely a lack of willpower and a sign of self-indulgence. No matter how many studies come out about genetics or whatever, we still accept that the fatties among us just love to eat and can't say no to themselves. We ignore the fact that even if we say no to our cravings 100 times a day, the cravings will sneak up on us 101 times.

I would just not discuss your banding with your friend anymore, and gently show her through your positive results that banding is a good way to deal with obesity.

[wannadancesoon 0]

Hey Blund, maybe if you educated her more where she would understand it a little better, and if she still continues with the remarks, then your going to have to tell her to stop it, that this is your way of life now and you would appreciate her being on your team with it by not going into the negative remarks to you. Sometimes people being dear friends or not feel a lot braver about what they say then what they don't or shouldn't say, tell her you appreciate her honesty but you have heard enough and let it go. If you could of lost the weight in a normal way than don't you think that you would of? I know I would of, and I couldn't so that is why I got banded. Maybe she is just a little jealous and is having a hard time dealing with it.

[tarrn13 1]

blund, when she starts up with her negative comments, call her on it, say "why are you being so negative and unsupportive about my band?" If that does not work then tell her until you can keep your negative comments to yourself about my band, we will not be discussing my choice anymore.

hope that helps!!

[pearlygirl 1]

I posted this to my family and friends through email and on my myspace account. Sure it's wordy and a little on the harsh side, I was just trying to prove my point clearly, so thta they'd understand. I never had ONE negative comment after this.

Okay folks, moment of truth here. I've had problems controlling my weight for...well forever. Sure I've lost, and it always comes back usually bringing friends. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome which doesn't help matters, it causes my weight to be a further struggle and adds in some insulin resistance(not diabetes). Harder to lose, harder to keep off - not that it cannot be done. I just haven't been successful long term. Right now I have 80lbs to lose(or more!).

For a long time I have been researching the lapband and I got very serious about it in December 2007. I've endured psych evaluations, meeting with dieticians, physicians, bariaticians...the list goes on. I had to compile a huge list of medical records, diets, illnesses and surgical history along with the previously mentioned evaluations and send them to insurance. In March I was approved for surgery. A blessing? Absolutely. Does it come without some negatives, no.

The Lapband is NOT an easy way out. It is a tool and an opportunity for me to regain my confidence, preserve my health and be proactive in my life. The band does not work on it's own. I must still follow diet and exercise plans. I will be the one at the Thanksgiving table who gets just a few bites while everyone continues to eat. I may never be able to tolerate bread, rice, Pasta or meat....MEAT, I am not a vegetarian. Many who have been banded can tolerate some of these foods but still some do not.

I will get frequent fills to inflate the band causing more restriction and limiting my intake even more. This involves injecting saline through a port that will be implanted under the skin of my abdomen. Probably not pleasant. While relearning to eat, I may have episodes of food getting stuck, extreme nausea or chest pain, even vomiting. Vomiting is dangerous because it can cause the band to slip out of place requiring further surgery.

I will never be able to eat and drink at the same time. No liquids for 30 minutes before or one hour after eating.

I know it sounds awful, the truth is that the many benefits far outway the negative. I just wanted to be sure that you - my family and friends - understood that there is nothing easy about this. I'm not cheating, I am helping myself to be successful and like I said before, being proactive in my life and future health.

I am leary to share this with everyone because I don't want to hear about somebody's neighbor's friend who had the surgery and didn't succeed. I know some people don't succeed with the band and am terrified that I could be one of them. I don't want to hear about about somebody's friend who died in surgery or was miserable and wished they didn't get the band. My decision is already made and I am scheduled for next Wednesday, the 23rd of April. The first day of the rest of my life.

Weight is not lost as quickly with the band as gastric bypass...just 1-2 lbs a week. I'm okay with that. I am excited about this tool helping me to KEEP the weight off no matter how long it takes me to lose it.

I am currently at the end of day 2 of a 24 day liquid diet required for surgery(10 days preop and 2 weeks postop). YUCK!! So surgery is in 9(actually almost 8)days. Please wish me well and respect my choice. If you cannot support me, please don't say anything.

If any of you have questions please ask me. You can also look up the band on the web.

[1byfaith 0]

Hi Pearlygirl,

Excellent letter. Couldnt have said it better myself. I was banded last Wednesday too.

PHWMN

[Guest BikiniBeachy]

WOW. Nice letter!

To the original poster, I have a similar friend. She called me after they showed her a video in one of her science college classes on a failed RNY. She doesn't seperate the two surgeries, and even said "If you are going to have surgery, why not go all out and get gastric (bypass)" (she calls bypass 'gastric' even though I've explained to her its 'gastric banding' vs 'gastric bypass')

She's also lost weight before but has questioned her own methods...if you know what I mean. She constantly says surgery is "the easy way out" that is there for "lazy people that don't want to exercise or watch what they are eating."

So I feel ya, you aren't alone. But I definitely don't feel like your friend, or mine, aren't realizing what they are doing. Somewhere deep down there is some envy, and combined with their passive-aggresive nature/personality, it's coming out in the exact same way.

I ignore it, I've signed a lease with her and we are about to be roommate and if I get approved, will be roommates during my operation! She will defintely have to see the truth, and hopefully all will go well so I don't see or hear any "I told you sos" but she's taken me to the ER for countless weight related issues, galbladder, back, abdominal pain, ankle twists from falling. I'm a wreck, and she knows it, and it's only getting worse...so hopefully she warms up (and your friend) and realizes it. I don't think there is much you can do to convince her, if she is a friend she will see the 'light' :huh2: soon.

Only time will tell in both of our cases, good luck!

[flstfgirl 0]

I liked your post too PearlyGirl and I was also banded this past week on 4/21!....we're doing the best thing for ourselves. I have found this forum helps to balance out any unintentional negatives from friends and come here often. Thanks for sharing your letter!

[Ariel 1]

She is just jealous!! My best friend is the same way. When I started this lab band process she said that she was going to start a diet the day of my surgery. I have lost 60 lbs she has gained. She has become really bitter about my weight loss but it's at the point where I am just like shut up and get the band you need it and deep down you know you want it.

[Skinny_Jill 36]

Barb,

It sounds like you 2 are very close. The next time she makes a comment I would pull her aside and nicely tell her that it bothers you. Tell her you know that she doesn't mean anything negative by it but it really gets to you. Talk to her openly about it. That is the best way if you want to save the friendship. Explain to her that it isn't easy. Keep in mind that she is probably having a hard time with it too. She is probably a little jealous which is normal.

Good luck!

[ErikMesa 0]

I've got a very heavy friend who has said some of the same things. Not that she'll lose it the hard way (because she's been trying for 20 years) but stuff like "I don't see how you can put something like that inside you". She's supportive yet not at the same time.

I think it's a combination of two things.

1. Jealousy - You have the band, if you're insurance paid for it it's even better, you finally did something about your weight issues.

2. Anger - Anger that she's overweight yet she knows you'll soon not be. If she's researched the band (as I'm sure she did) she knows it's as successful as bypass without all the side effects. She's probably a bit angry at her own weight situations and thus angry at herself.

She's defeated smoking already, good for her, if she can defeat her weight issues hey thats great. But she needs to be taught that there is no "easy" way to do anything like this. Surgery isn't easy at all and the lifestyle we maintain afterwards isn't easy either. I think the "easy" way is being able to eat whatever you want once in awhile like someone without the band. We don't have it easy at all because we can't have a "pig out" meal once in awhile. It just doesn't work that way.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is be supportive of her. If she wants to lose weight exercise with her. Get a gym membership. Walk together a couple miles a day. Encourage her. She'll take that as an example of how she should be acting. The ball is in her court now and it's up to her to take it and run with it or not.

I don't think she's being malicious at all. I think she's just angry about her own situation and a bit jealous that you'd done something about it. Misery loves company and while you were overweight I'm sure you two got along fine. Maybe she's just worried about losing you as a friend once you get "skinny and hot" (like I see alot of people post they plan to do) and distancing yourself from a "fat friend".

Face it overweight people have self-esteem issues. We deny we do but we do.

ErikMesa :huh2:

[SweetBunie 1]

I have to say to Blund, that I was your friend a few years back. I was the one that was not going to take the 'easy way out' and I was going to do it the right way. Well, here I am with the band in place and humbeled by the memory of those days. I do not remember telling anyone that, but I do remember thinking it. I also know that deep down inside of me I was scared and enveious at the same time. I wanted so badly to lose the weight and get back to a 'normal' size and nothing I did worked or if it did work it was not lasting. It has nothing to do with will power or anything like that. I needed help and I found out after much searching that this was what I would need for me to be healthy. Now that I have made my decison and I have been banded I have been telling anyone that would listen to me how and why I did what I did. I have been blessed with a wonderful group of friends that are more than supportive and a loving family that has encouraged me every step of the way. I have been banded on the 16th and I admit that there is nothing easy about this whole procedure but I am going to use this most valuable tool to help make my life better so that I can enjoy my friends and family that much longer here on this earth!!

I hope you can find a way to help your friend to stop hurting your feelings and maybe you can understand hers a little more!!

Learn to change the subject there are so many other things to talk about!!

Nancy :huh2:

[Guest BikiniBeachy]

I have to admit to I used to watch 'I lost it' on Discovery channel and would get so mad when they would feature a surgery patient vs Curves or Weight Watchers. I always thought "Well duh, of course you lost it!" But here i am, humbled just as the one above!

[Kat225 2]

I am very blessed to have a great best friend that supports me 100%. She even went with me to Mexico to get it done. She called me brave for taking control of my life. If she does feel I took the easy way out she never says it. She too has struggled with her weight but she lost it on WW.

I think your friend is jealous but not in a bad vengeful way but is probably in pain about her weight. Being overweight as we all know is very painful. I think you should approach her in a sensitive way and just explain to her that the band is not easy and it takes work too. My sister in law is trying to lose weight right now and made the same comment as if we don't have to eat right and exersice to lose weight too. It's just people's perspective of WLS. Although I never put someone down for getting WLS, I remember thinking it was going to be easy...boy am I surprised!!! LOL!