Help me respond to friend's negativity...

[September25 0]

I had my surgery just over a year ago and know what you mean by some of the negative responses. I have not told most people I know because of that. I do know that after much struggle and thought that I reached the right decision to have the lap band. I have lost 100 lbs at least three different times over the years ( I am now 50) and countless other 20, 30, 40 pound times during all the different diets I have been on over the years. I finally realized that when I turned 50 that I did not want to be an obese elderly person. It is hard enough to get around when you are younger and big, but when you get older it is even worse on your body and on other people that may have to lift you when you fall or get sick. I did this for myself mainly, but I also did it for my family. One day I might become a burden and a lighter weight burden would be easier to care for. I thought about all these things because my mother came down with severe dementia and is in the nursing home. She is not a big person, she weighs about 90 lbs. But in watching some of the other residents that are obese trying to get around, it made me think about myself and my possible future. I have lost approx. 65 lbs in the last year and need to lose about 30-40 more. I weighed 276 and now weigh 211. This 65 lbs sure has made a big difference in how I feel mentally and physically. I have taken up gardening as a hobby and really enjoy it. I have never had a problem losing weight once I got started on a diet, but putting it back on was my failure every time. The lapband is my tool to help me keep the weight off. I had to admit to myself that I needed help and could not do it alone. People have their own opinions and it is hard to change them sometimes. Just tell your friend that you did what was right for you and you want her to do what is right for her and that you respect her choice and she should respect yours.

Best of luck to you.

[pinkdots410 1]

Isn't it funny?? I have "friends" who respond in the same way and you know what's the funny part?? Only the overweight ones do. I have friends, colleagues and family members who aren't overweight and have nothing but positive things to say and well wishes!

I say it has to be jealousy and envy. It's sad really...

[Blund 0]

Thanks for your input everyone. Bits and pieces in all your posts gave me ideas of how to talk to her.....which I know I'll have to do, now that she's made these little comments 3 or 4 times. I know ignoring it won't help now.

Pearlygirl, your letter was great. Can I borrow some of your lines?! Actually, I feel like trying to print this whole thing. I have a hard time coming up with the right words on the spot.

She did quit smoking, and I was (and am) very supportive of her regarding that. (And she did have "medical help" and THATS OK) She and I have been friends (off and on with moving, etc.) since we were 7 and 8 yrs old!

She's a teacher and really into "protecting the kids' self-esteem" etc.etc, (no offence teachers!) so I'm sure she'll get it once I tell her. May not stop future comments, but least I can give her the"stink eye:sneaky:" when she does, and she'll know why!

Thanks again everyone!

[pearlygirl 1]

Blund - Absolutely!! It's a very general letter. I tried to make it informative while still being friendly and also convey the message that "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". It worked wonderfully for me and I actually ended up getting really positive feedback from a couple of people who I thought would have been "on the fence". Good luck to you!

[yvonneky 0]

Hey, listen

first of all any 1 of us that has had this lapband and went thru the commitment that we have will tell u this deffently is not the "easy way out", this is one of the hardest things that i have commited to. Plus how many of them are just sitting back waiting for us to fail. To me the easy way out would to be the way i was living and always had an excuse for gaining weight.

just my opinion

[general_antiope 189]

Arrrgghh!

What, obese people should just....die out? Is that the thinking? You made yourself fat, and now you have to suffer. UGH. I suspect those kind of people think the gay community got AIDS for being gay, too. Yeah, right on, Einsteins. Way to be. Hi, welcome to 2008!

There is medical help able to extend and improve the lives of people with heart problems, colon problems, lung problems, liver problems...but no, you think those evil fatty fat fats lack WILLPOWER!

Stupid people annoy me.

You get ONE body.

Suffer no fool to stand between you and your happiness.

[kgloverii 0]

I used to be that friend as well. A friend of DH had gastric bypass and I thought it was the 'easy way out' etc. Well, I finally realized, I was tired of always being hungry. I was taking a courageous step in order to be healthy FOR ME and MY FAMILY.

I do agree with PP's. There is an element of jealousy. And there is an element of that person somewhere deep down, thinking they are better than you... and/or that through the weight loss, you will somehow be 'better than them' later on.

You will encounter people who will want to sabotage your efforts, consciously or subconsciously. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times you explain your reasons for your surgery, they won't understand. And they may never understand. You will lose friends. They will drift away because too much of your friendship was wrapped around food-- i.e. eating out. Or because there will be that mental thing that they can't get over. And that will be their loss...

When I hit the 'sweet spot' a month ago, I really had an epiphany. I sat down with DH, who never has had a weight problem in his life, and explained that who I was pre-band was ME being the BEST I COULD BE. My weight was not due to emotional eating. It was not due to lack of willpower. I did the best I could. I had hunger that was not satisfied. And the sweet spot FINALLY made me realize how satisfied I was with food AND LIFE. I have no compulsions to consume anymore... not just food, but it effects how I shop at the store, how I think about things. Until you get that, you don't understand... there will be a part of you that will accept blame.

I know I sidetracked, but I just wanted to show you how sometimes, we can't control our thoughts until something changes them... that may never happen for your friend. And don't feel defensive for their words. As my friend Oprah said, "When you know better, you do better"--- sometimes people just don't know...

[Chrisann 0]

My best friend is a man, 380 pounds, 6'5" tall. I have given up trying to understand his feelings on me getting the band. I get comments from him all the time, that I don't respond to them anymore. He says he can't tell I lost any weight, complains when we go out to eat and I eat little, complains when he comes over, I have no soda, etc only Water and propel in the house. Says that I could have just went on a diet, says I didn't need the surgery.

Complains to me that when he goes to his GF house, she berates him to lose weight, and doesn't feed him. He misses coming over to my house and eating.

So, to maintain my sanity, I don't discuss weight or food with him anymore. I have a bottle of soda here for him, and make dinner the way I always do now. We don't talk about the band, dieting, or exercising.

I have told him to not insult me, and if he doesn't like what I am doing now, don't come over and we won't hang out. I know that we have a strong friendship and so far, he has kept his tongue. I guess time will tell.

[YoungNy 1]

I had the same problem with my father. I have been thinking about this for a year and a half now and he has always told me I'm taking the easy way out and I'm just not trying hard enough to lose weight. That all I need is a little discipilne. But I was so sick of the fad diets and yo-yo dieting that I said enough is enough. I went to him one day after I made my appointment to go to the seminar and told him, "I know you don't agree with or understand my decision, but I made this choice for my heath and my sanity and I would really appreciate it if you would support me."

He simply said ok, but didn't believe I was serious. I did everything on my own, from the semiar to the doctors appointments, research, everything. I told him last week when my band date was and he asked if I was really serious and if I was really going to go through with it. I told him yes. So I'm been keeping him up to date on what I'm doing and what to except and asked him to walk with me for excerise. He told me today, "hey, did I ever tell you, I've really proud of you for doing something about your weight. I see you're serious, you're really trying and I'm impressed." He's even taking my surgery day off to help take care of me.

I get frustrated with a few of my older co-workers who keep reminded me that I need to excerise and keep telling me info about the lap band, like I didn't know already. I'm sure they think that I see this surgery as a magic solution to my wieght problem and have no idea what is ahead of me. But I simply inform them back that I already know and already have started doing the things that will change my life. If they are going to preach to me, then I'm going to preach back.

You know what you're going through, you know what you're life is like and you know that the negative things your friend is saying aren't true. You can't change her opinions, but you can continue to do what's best for you even if you have to do it alone. Stay Strong!

[Lunabeane 2]

I have a friend that makes jokes like, "I'm not sure that we can be friends after you get skinny. I'll be the only fat girl in the office after you lose weight." And while that sounds rude and a little silly, it's also very real to her. It's become in some cases a "united front" against the skinnier, healthier, sexier woman in the work place. It's scary to feel that you are the only one. We've all felt that at some point in our lives, I'm sure. What I should say to her, but haven't, is that she is acting just like them...but I don't expect them to like me for who I am. I've just been banded so everything is up in the air at this point...but I hope that she will see that I've always been me. In my head I've always been a skinny girl...so that's the person that she's been friends with all along.

[KristyLynn 0]

i've been really obsessed over this whole thing, and tomorrow is my 1st appointment LOL. so i was telling my best friend about it and she just got that far off stare in her face and i was like.."what?" ... lol. and she said "well i'm going to have to start working out then!!!!" ... and i cracked up and and realized what she meant. then i asked why....and it honestly took her a while before she could put into words what she was thinking...maybe even thinking of the "nicest" way of saying it...OR whether or not she should say it at all. she came out with "you can't be smaller than me!" ........! :thumbup: my mouth dropped. but...lol. what can you do? she then said "jk..." and i said "i'll never be.." THENNNNN i was like..WHOA...i am totally retracting that statement. i am only going to be positive from here out and i .. mean it. lol. other than that...she says she wants to be there for me the entire time. so i turned the convo around to... "this is how we can work out..this is what we can do...go on walks, etc etc."

[moonshadow2468 0]

"Easy way out" Next time someone says that ask if they clean their clothes on a rock, or take the easy way out and use a machine.

It isn't easy.... but if it were, so what!!!!!!!!!!

Do they take the easy way out and get glasses or do the hard work and learn brail?

Just my rant......sorry

[Blund 0]

Wow, I had a lot of catch-up reading to do here! Seems like a lot of us have had the "dissaproving friend." Since we're both busy with kids & school, we have only seen each other a couple of times, but talk on the phone a couple of times a week, and I dont bring it up anymore. She has asked me in a general way how I'm doing, and I just say great. I have not told her I've lost 25 lbs, and she hasn't asked me how much I've lost either. (Which says a lot!! lol!) She was watching me eat an onion ring (only one!) the other day like it was going to make me puke. I hope she doesnt turn into my "food stalker!" I havent had my first fill yet, and am able to eat normal food now. Other than that, she hasn't made any negative comments lately. I plan to just continue on with her and see what happens.

Thanks for all of your input everyone!

Barb

[vkcse03 0]

I have my dr consultation next week and have decided not to tell my family. The only person who will know will be my DH and sister. I don't want any comments, positive or negative. I'm hoping that I will lose the weight gradually so that it's less noticable. I'm planning to tell everyone that because of my colities (inflammation of the colon) I have to adjust the way I eat. I know I'm lying but I just don't want any comments.

[luigismama 0]

blund- I graduated high school from "the pinky" and my parents still live there- beautiful!

I've been on both sides of this. My best friend told me in January that she was getting gastric bypass, and my reaction was very mixed. First, I knew nothing about weight loss surgery and was completely uneducated. Second, I was hurt that she kept this from me for over a year when we're supposed to be best friends. Third, I was scared to be the only fat friend. Fourth, she had lost 40 pounds by eating right and exercising and I didn't know why she wanted to change that. She called me out for not just supporting her and for needing to understand what she was going through. I guess she just wanted me to say I'm happy for you and leave it at that. I worked though MY issues, apologized, and became her biggest supporter and ally before I even considered lap band for myself.

When I told her I was getting the lap band, she said she was happy for me and congratulated me on making a choice for my health. But she's avoided my phone calls and emails for over a week. She gave me the response she wanted to hear from me, but not the one I wanted for myself. I guess my point is that each of us wants different support, whether someone is a huge cheerleader, a quiet ally, asks us a bunch of questions and watches lap band surgeries online (like my mother-in-law), or just says they're there for us. I love the letter above because she states very clearly what she considers support. The one thing I took from my best friend is that I don't need to justify my decision to anyone. This is my body, my choice, and my life. No one else, not even my fat best friend who got gb, understands what it's like to be in my body.

Because we are not islands and have relationships our decision will affect others in our lives. That doesn't mean we have to apologize for those changes or protect others from themselves. I bet many of us have played that role most of our lives- protecting others and helping them feel better about themselves. We tend to be everyone else's cheerleaders, yet when we decide to no longer be invisible it threatens some people. We can't be fat so other people can feel better about themselves- not anymore.

Just stay true to yourself and when it feels right to tell her that her comments or lack of comments are hurting you you'll take care of it. If you decide it's not worth it and you'd rather not let her attitude affect you, that's fine too. As for me, I'm hoping as I lose some weight I'll gain more confidence to assert myself to anyone and everyone- no more apologizing for other people's feelings!!

Sorry this was long...I guess I had a lot to get out