Wondering, once again, why I have to struggle so hard

[Alexandra 55]

This is taking some courage to post, but I know I have to if I'm ever going to get through this. I just typed this in my FitDay diary:

Didn't weigh myself today. Will tomorrow. It's the weekend and my period will be over by tomorrow. Every. Effing. Day. I have to remember that food is the enemy. Food is the *** enemy. The enemy. I can not eat sugar or carbs and expect to get through the rest of the day intact. Last night sitting at the computer I "allowed" myself SIX Peanut Butter cups followed immediately by FIVE Oreos and a glass of milk. What the F was I thinking? WAS I thinking? Am I addicted? That's not a binge by many people's standards, but I shouldn't be going anywhere near PB cups or Oreos. Ever. That way lies 300 lbs for me. WHY do I want to go back there? It's failure, disaster, embarrassment, humiliation, despair. I can have health, beauty, energy, clothes that fit, grace, flexibility, accomplishment, success, peace. Why do I do this to myself???

Ugh, that's brutally honest and really captures the morning-after blues. (Those were *mini* PB cups, by the way.) I seriously feel like I'm engaged in a battle, one that banded or not I will be engaged in for the rest of my life. :huh2:

Edited April 27, 2008 by Alexandra

[coltonwade 27]

Alex, Your very courageous for writing that . I was just talking to a friend of mine about the "Battles" we face as bandsters yesterday .

First let me ask you this . And dont take it the wrong way ... Why do you have those things in your house if you know you cant control yourself around them ? Personally I dont have those things in my house because I would do the same thing. So I just dont buy them . NOW dont get me wrong , I do not think what you did was that horrible and I dont think I personally would consider it a binge . You can move on from this . But if you know there are things you just cant be around and control yourself over i would suggest you just dont bring them in your house. PB cups , oreo's , cakes, those things I would not do well with in my house. I tell my husband IF YOU Want those things, fine, get them and eat them BEFORE You come home.

Again I dont think your "Binge" was off the deep end by any means.

I think its ok to have "treats" For ourselves every now and then if we know we can stop . Personally i tend to eat those treats in front of other people becasue im more likely to stop myself at just one with "witness' " LOL

I dont know we will do this for the rest of our lives ? Maybe we will ?

My friend and I were talking about counseling for these things that maybe that is what we need ?

Im not sure if I helped but i certainly can listen

Mindy

[Alexandra 55]

Thanks, Mindy. Listening helps, as does typing it out.

The answer to the question about why that stuff is in the house is that my husband does the shopping. :huh2: He is able to eat just a few, and my kids are also, and MOST of the time I can completely ignore the goodies on top of the fridge. I grew up in a house completely without treats, and I can't/won't do that to my children. I honestly believe it's one of the reasons I have this sense of entitlement--now that I'm an adult, says my subconscious, no one can say NO and I can indulge at will. My inner deprived child comes out sometimes, I guess.

[coltonwade 27]

Thanks, Mindy. Listening helps, as does typing it out.

The answer to the question about why that stuff is in the house is that my husband does the shopping. :huh2: He is able to eat just a few, and my kids are also, and MOST of the time I can completely ignore the goodies on top of the fridge. I grew up in a house completely without treats, and I can't/won't do that to my children. I honestly believe it's one of the reasons I have this sense of entitlement--now that I'm an adult, says my subconscious, no one can say NO and I can indulge at will. My inner deprived child comes out sometimes, I guess.

I understand that and i belive that same thing. I have treats for my kids they are healthier treats , like sugar free Cookies , granola bars ect so they dont know they are "better" and IF I eat some its not as much of a guilt thing for me. Certain things are not allowed like donuts ect.

I do make cakes ect but they are healthier versions , things from the sneaky chef cook book that have Veggies in the cake ( that's right veggies in the cake and you cant taste them LOL ) But like i said I think you did not do horrible with your "binge" i would not consider it a binge.

Look at it this way .. WHAT would you have done pre band ? The whole bag or the oreo's A whole row ? Half the bag of PB cups ?

What i consider a binge now is a bag of M&M's the takes me all day to eat.

So dont beat yourself up , I think your doing fine. Maybe do an extra 10 mintues on the tread mill to "compensate " For it .

Your fine ! Would I do it every week ? No but i think personally it is OK to have a treat every now and then , otherwise like you said you feel deprived and want more and more.

Mindy

[Livingthe Dream 0]

Last night sitting at the computer I "allowed" myself SIX Peanut Butter cups followed immediately by FIVE Oreos and a glass of milk.

I have highlighted what I felt was your primary mistake. Stop having a "relationship" with food and if you eat some junk food so what, it doesn't take away the strides you have made and it doesn't define who you are. Everyone has those weak moments just concentrate on the "buffer". The buffer is that calorie negative where you have a bigger deficiency that your binge. I play volleyball 3 nights a week and always grab a snickers bar on the way home. I don't care because that is "normal" and I have the points in the bank to eat that.

Your battle/enemy is not food. Your battle is (maybe) with a sedimentary lifestyle? You want to eat that food go ahead just do it before your midnight jog through your neighborhood. Strap some chem lights to your feet, shut off that computer and rebuild that buffer.

[Alexandra 55]

Hee hee! I think you mean "sedentary" lifestyle. :huh2: But I get your point.

I posted elsewhere about how exercise has never given me what others seem to get after a while--an endorphin rush or even a teeny tiny desire to move more. I exercise--less now than before I gained 50 lbs back, to be sure--but overall I don't lead a sedentary life. My relationship with exercise is just like my relationship with food: a continuous struggle. I know what to do, I know why to do it, I know how to do it, and I often DO do it, but my no matter what my inner self doesn't ever WANT to do any of it. That's what I don't understand. WHY is it such a struggle, even when all my stars would seem to be completely aligned for success.

Sitting at the computer before I go to bed is part of my life, and it's not going to change. What can and MUST change is my instinctive sense that a day isn't complete without something sweet at the end of it, since "something sweet" turns out to be way too much.

Edited April 27, 2008 by Alexandra

[jjsmiles 3]

Hi Alexandra,

food isn't really the enemy - after all we all HAVE to eat - it is the power we give food that gives us our issues. You had a difficult evening where you ate some junk. OK - so what?- there are very few people in this world who don't eat pb cups and oreos (or whatever junk appeals to them). That doesn't make you a failure, it makes you NORMAL. Didn't you go into this journey to be normal? There is good and bad with normal, there is NOT perfection.

Ask yourself this, what would have been a binge for you pre band and pre journey? I am suspecting it would have been the entire bag of oreos and the entire back of mini pb cups. To me, this was a little blip, and you will get over it. You already took steps by acknowleding it publically and writing it down (both in fitday and here).

You recognized that you didn't like what you did, and you can do something about it, but I think you need to be kinder to yourself (and I don't mean kinder in terms of "allowing" yourself anything to eat that you want to make yourself feel better - that IS the journey back to 300 pounds)!!!

What I mean is beating yourself up and negating all the things you love about yourself because of some pb cups and oreos is the road to depression and over eating. I am thinking that you are kind of hormonal right now and you are entitled to a bit of a pity party, but don't forget all you have achieved, by giving chocolate and sweets the power to hurt you more than it already has.

You have been in this journey for a long time now and have been phenominally successful. Remember that, remember the confidence you now have and recognize the inner beauty that now shines forth for others to see. Stand back and let the pb cups and oreos go- they are really NOTHING in your world :huh2:

[jbflorida 1]

Alexandra--we know, we know. And understand.

I am trying to change my mindset. If I see a treat and pass it up, I see THAT as the treat! I have treated myself to a good decision and I praise myself for taking care of myself. I switched from "I deserve to eat that," to "I deserve (I am worthy) NOT to eat that."

Another thing I do that helps me (sounds silly), but you know how after we eat something that is "not in our best interests," we beat up on ourselves? We eat it and it is gone in seconds?? Well, I PRETEND that I have just eaten it and it is now GONE. And wasn't that delicious?

Good luck....make THIS a great day....and do it again tomorrow

[Alexandra 55]

I've been riding this rollercoaster a very long time, that's for sure. And post-band these pity parties are WAY fewer and farther between. They don't have the self-hate element that they used to, either. Banding has indeed changed my life and I'll be eternally grateful for that! But some things never do change.

I don't feel like a failure, exactly, but I do feel sorry for myself that this is and continues to be so damned hard! That's why I'm posting--I know for a fact that it's helped in the past. It's so easy to withdraw when life gets busy, and I changed jobs a few months ago which really upended my schedule, so I'm taking this step back into "public" to turn the tide a bit.

Edited April 27, 2008 by Alexandra

[Alexandra 55]

Another thing I do that helps me (sounds silly), but you know how after we eat something that is "not in our best interests," we beat up on ourselves? We eat it and it is gone in seconds?? Well, I PRETEND that I have just eaten it and it is now GONE. And wasn't that delicious?

That sounds like a FABULOUS idea!! I'm going to totally try that. Seriously! I've often thought how silly it is to want something that disappears so fast--I fight and fight with myself over it before eating, and sometimes I win and sometimes I lose but either way I've lost precious time out of my life just on the internal arguing. It's never occurred to me to tell myself I already ate it, and actually win that way. I love it!!

Thanks for the inspired idea!!

[coltonwade 27]

Im the same way with working out . I KNOW I need to do it , I know what I have to do , I have all the stuff I need to do it . But actually getting up and doing it , its like something is broke inside me that gets me up and going.

Before surgery i use to watch shows when people would watch something and they said they had a "lightbulb " moment that made them get up and move to start them losing weight .. I kept waiting for my moment and it never came. Again i wondered if something was broke . I am much more ACTIVE than before, i just got done cleaning my house for 2 hours no stop . NEVER would have happened before. I am always doing something now, Would not have happened before surgery . Im still trying to get moving w/ the working out . Like you said its a constant struggle.

Mindy

[girlie2shooz 0]

I hear you and I will offer this as I have tried to change my thinking process..........Don't let food define YOU. Try not to focus everything you do around food, and I don't mean eating. Take the focus OFF food. Food serves one purpose and one purpose only. It fuels our bodies. We all want to eat normal, but really define normal. When I look at what I define as normal it includes sweets, and that is where it stops. not how much can i have or can't have, i have it and it is done. that to me is normal. i don't obsess over every bit of food i put in my mouth, i take the focus off food. i eat what i want (good food choices)and my band helps with Portion Control when I need it. I take responsibility and move on. Life is too short to keep kicking my own ass over what i eat. It happens, we eat some sweets, our life goes on. Grasp what you want as normal and live it. You are okay and learning as we all are in this lifetime. g2s

[newhope4me 0]

Coltonwade, you mentioned making cakes w/ veggies in them...i used to make zuchinni bars, the richest brownies you have ever tasted! so, is that possibly healthier? i'm just wondering because my kids (and I) love them. i made an upside down banana cake a week ago, i finally told my son (i know i'm a terrible mother for this, but he's a bean pole) to eat the rest of it (2/3- 3/4 was left) so that i wouldn't be tempted by it.

i do pretty good, but i have switched over the whole family to healthier foods, there is only chicken and turkey in our freezer now. even though i have skim milk, i just got them down to 2% (they dont even realize it yet because its in a whole milk carton). my daughter's school lunch now contains fresh fruits and veggies and burritos (low fat chz and wheat tortillas) instead of chips and Cookies and a cold cut sandwich or heatable sandwich. she also drinks 100% juice instead of 10% juice 90% sugar. i had to do this so that i wouldnt be tempted. once a week they are allowed to order pizza or get a burger or something.

my son, the beanpole is the only one who raised a fuss. only because a strong wind would blow him away, lol. but as he is 21 he moved in with a friend, and took what bad foods were left in the house. (he didnt move out because of the food, timing was a conicidence)

[coltonwade 27]

Coltonwade, you mentioned making cakes w/ veggies in them...i used to make zuchinni bars, the richest brownies you have ever tasted! so, is that possibly healthier? i'm just wondering because my kids (and I) love them. i made an upside down banana cake a week ago, i finally told my son (i know i'm a terrible mother for this, but he's a bean pole) to eat the rest of it (2/3- 3/4 was left) so that i wouldn't be tempted by it.

i do pretty good, but i have switched over the whole family to healthier foods, there is only chicken and turkey in our freezer now. even though i have skim milk, i just got them down to 2% (they dont even realize it yet because its in a whole milk carton). my daughter's school lunch now contains fresh fruits and veggies and burritos (low fat chz and wheat tortillas) instead of chips and Cookies and a cold cut sandwich or heatable sandwich. she also drinks 100% juice instead of 10% juice 90% sugar. i had to do this so that i wouldnt be tempted. once a week they are allowed to order pizza or get a burger or something.

my son, the beanpole is the only one who raised a fuss. only because a strong wind would blow him away, lol. but as he is 21 he moved in with a friend, and took what bad foods were left in the house. (he didnt move out because of the food, timing was a conicidence)

There is a cook book i have called " The Sneaky Chef" they have recipes in it for "normal" kid friendly foods like brownies, pancakes, cake, donuts, chicken fingers, I could go on and on . But you add fruits and veggies to them #1 for the kids to get the friuts and Veggies (Cause my kids HATE Veggies ) and they are more healthy for you as well. Most of the recipes are smaller portions as well. Like instead of cakes most of the recipes are cup cakes so smaller portions for us to have around the house.

My kids LOVE the food and have NO IDEA their are things like Sweet Potaotes in the Mac and cheese or cauliflower , blue berries and spinach in the brownies. My kids for the most part eat healthier , But there are some things that hubby and the kids just dont like so i'll fix them what they like. Once a week we have pizza night, I dont eat it but i let them have it.

We have done that since I was a kid .

The one thing that is an absolute NO NO for EVERYONE . IS NO SODA"S no one is allowed Sodas anymore. There is just no reason for them . We have an ozarka Water dispenser in our house.

Mindy

[newhope4me 0]

thats the only thing hubby wont give up-his mountain dew! i wish i could get soda out of the house. i've tried to sneak in mountain dew diet, mixed it half and half, he noticed right away, lol. but my daughter is finally down to about only 1 or 2 sodas a week. (hubby has his own mini fridge for his sodas, keeps em out of her sight and hopefully out of mind more). she hasnt been to her dad's in about 4 years, but last time she was there i dont think she drank any Water or milk or anything other than pepsi. fortunately, he's in jail and she wont be going to visit him anytime soon.

i'll have to get that cook book though!