What if this doesn't change anything?

[SkiGirlDenver 2]

hey everyone out there in lap band land -- I have a question/concern.

I am getting banded on May 23rd -- and I am sooooo excited -- I have been debating this surgery back and forth for 2 years now and have finally made the decision (after a ton of research and conversations) to move forward. But as the date gets closer I find myself getting more and more scared. Not about the surgery, or the post-op diet/eating change but a lot more about what happens if the band and losing weight doesn't change anything. Here is basically my concern in a nut shell -- I have this really great guy friend -- we hang out all the time and have a complete blast together -- we confide in each other and support each other and in general are just great friends. For a long time I thought we would be more than friends -- you know how it is -- but one night he was a little tipsy and was brutally honest and up front -- basically said as much as he loved me as "a friend" he is only attracted to really skinny girls (which clearly since I am on this site and getting this surgery I am not really skinny). For a while it really hurt our friendship (this all happened about a year ago), but after alot of work on his side and a ton of apologies, I finally let him back in as a friend, and I just put all the other stuff out of my mind. Anyway -- long story short -- we went to dinner tonight and I told him (for the first time) about my plans to get the lap band and the surgery and how excited I was etc. He was great -- super supportive and thought it was a great idea -- but then he said "but you know, you'll always be the fat girl to me." I was stunned -- I couldn't understand why he would say something like that to me -- I've always been such a good friend to him. But then it really got me thinking -- what if he is right? Will I always see myself as the "fat girl" -- the life of the party with a great personality who every guy loves as a friend but never a girlfriend. Will I be able to see myself as anything more than what I was? Will I finally value the person inside once I look like I want on the outside? All these questions really got me very scared and make me want to back out even though I KNOW this surgery is the right step. I guess in a nutshell I am most scared b/c my weight has been the excuse for so long -- I wasn't married b/c I was fat, I didn't have a boyfriend b/c I was fat, I didn't get that job b/c I was fat -- always the same thing. What happens if I get the band and I lose the weight and nothing changes -- is the answer then that I am just a bad person? And if nothing changes am I strong enough to deal with it when my easiest excuse is gone?

Anyway -- sorry for the long rant -- am just really struggling here -- I want this surgery but am so afraid of it at the same time -- is anyone else feeling like this or have felt like this -- would love to hear from you.

[skierhj 1]

I'm there with you. I'm going on the 21st of May and everyday I seem to find something else to worry about. I am tired of being the big guy with the skinny friends, or being the jolly guy.The only thing I do know is that you are doing this for you and not for him.

[MerryHearted 20]

Things might not change with him, but that's about him.

If you find him getting weird about it as you lose weight, your best bet is to let him know that you don't have any expectations that he's going to suddenly fall in love with you. That you're doing this for YOU. And yeah, of course you want to meet a hot guy and have a great romantic relationship, but that's not about him.

You will meet other men, and they will have no idea that you used to be overweight. They will see you as you are -- slender and beautiful and confident and fun!

It will probably take awhile for your own internal self-image to change. Don't be afraid to get counseling if you need it. It's a big change.

[devotion 41]

SkiGirlDenver,

Your story was very compelling to read, and I have a few thoughts. First, congratulations on making the wonderful and self-affirming decision to take control of your health! I too am getting banded - my date is May 16 so we are essentially getting banded at the same time. I want you to take time to really feel just GREAT about yourself and your inner and yes, your outer beauty as it is right now. Remember you ARE beautiful just the way you are. This band is going to give you the health benefits and will save your life down the road for sure. Please know how much courage it takes to make this kind of decision.

I am 36 and am married, and my husband is very concerned about how my weight has ballooned. Mostly because of my health and because it interferes with intimacy. But he is standing by me and is doing that because he loves me. He loves me the way I am now though and that is what is important in any relationship.

Of course, I am not saying that being overweight does not lead to discrimination in so many areas of our society - it does. But to those people who love you, the only thing they should be concerned about is your health. I am sorry if this offends you at all, but your guy friend is not worth having your friendship. He has insulted you and obviously is insecure because he is so focused on weight. If he loved you, really loved you, he would not say you would always be the fat girl. He is the one who is going to lose out as you lose weight.

I know you are nervous this won't work, but it will. Physically, it definitely will. Mentally, of course, you have to empower yourself and refuse to see yourself - or let others see you -- as that "fat girl" any more. Take control, be powerful, and be kind to yourself. And pardon my intrusiveness, but please get rid of the guy friend. You are too good for him.

Best of luck to you with your surgery!

Angela

[Yvonne72 0]

Oh SkiGirl... First, congrats on making the decision to have the surgery!

I want you to remember that you are a wonderful and caring person. I don't have to "know" you to feel that way about you. I can tell you that I had a lot of lost loves because of my weight and I'm so glad they are out of my life now.

This may seem drastic, but you really need to find a new friend. No matter how many times he says he's sorry- he is not your friend. He knows you like him and he thrives on that.

Stop calling him, saying 'yes' if he calls you to go out- do not enable him in the least bit. Let him wonder what is going on with you... Basically play hard to get.

You will find not only is it fun, but by the time he realizes that you may be the One- you will have already moved on and found happiness with someone who truly deserves you.

No matter who you are with, they will know that you had the band- once you lose weight, you will be able to see it and feel it. If they cannot accept the fact that you were once overweight...they are not the one for you either.

I'm sorry I'm rambling, but this just really hit home for me. Yes, I'm married now, but my weight is putting a strain on my relationship with my husband. Even though I was heavy when we met, I was 70lbs lighter- and when you're 5'2", that's a TON!

I wish you luck and I wish you strength... You are better than some guy who can't be sensitive to your feelings.

[KristeyK 8]

First off..CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I have to agree with Yvonne and Angela. It sounds like this person may not be the healthiest person to have around in your life. If he's always going to see you as the fat girl, he'll always treat you as the fat girl. This is going to be BAD after your surgery. You need people aorund you who will support you 100% without making you feel bad about yourself when you're doing something so great!!! Sometimes our friends are meant to only be with us for a short time to teach us something about the world or ourselves- IMHO it sounds like he's one of those friends.

GOOD LUCK! I know you're going to do GREAT! (And knock MANY other deserving guys' socks right off!)

Plus, I wanted to add this in: I was fairly in shape and looked pretty good when my DH and I got married. 11 years later I look NOTHING like the woman he married. He's told me before that he still sees me as the woman he married and nothing else. There ARE men out there who will love YOU for YOU, and nothing else.

Edited April 27, 2008 by KristeyK
Add another point.

[Scarlett O'hara 0]

SHAME ON HIM & you can tell him I said that!! :smile2:

I suspect he said that because he is fearful you won't want to be his friend when you loose weight, or that you won't have time for him anymore b/c you'll be too busy with a new social life. Don't let his insecurities keep you from taking care of yourself!!

Remember, you are doing this for you & as you loose weight, your confidence will soar!! :biggrin2:

[SkiGirlDenver 2]

First, I want to say THANK YOU so much for all your supportive responses. I am feeling a lot better today -- in large part b/c of all your thoughtful and wise advice. Kristy -- I agree -- there are people who come into our lives in a moment in time and teach us something (good or bad) and clearly my "friend" is one of those people. Maybe the friendship will survive maybe it won't -- but at the end of the day I am doing this for me and only me.

As long as I can hold on to that thought and not get to far ahead of myself I should be fine. I am hoping that the slow and steady weight loss of the band (as opposed to gastric bypass) will allow me time for my brain/self-image to catch up with my body.

Finally, Yvonne -- just wanted to send some love back your way -- you've taken the steps to get healthy and happy but I am sorry that your DH has stopped seeing the real you beneath your shell -- please know that my thoughts are with you. Good luck everyone and thanks for the support!!

[Guest BikiniBeachy]

My computer is about to die (laptop) so let me just chime in quickly and say HELLO from the 303. I'm off Evans and I25 where are you at pretty lady?

I think this guy said that because he is really intimidated at the thought of you not being overweight, because he could be attracted to you. The image barrier could be broken and although he doesn't sound like a 100% standup guy, that probably freaks him out a little, maybe? Just my opinion. I've seen it before with my guy friends.