Who are you after the weight is gone?

[Jachut 487]

I feel more like me now than I did before, I really was a thin person trapped in a fat body. I knew who I was, I went through the motions but felt like a bit of an imposter. I never thought of myself as fat on a conscious level but i knew it deep down, and now I just feel like my outside and inside go together.

[TulipStar 2]

I totally understand where you are coming from. My worst fear is not knowing who I am when I reach my goal weight. In fact I am scared to death to weigh under 200lbs... as I have not been under 200 lbs since I was 9 years old. The only consistent identity I have is being the "fat girl" and yes, I used my personality to make up for it by being funny and personable.

As I have started to get in the lower 200's (reached 220's this week), I suddenly feel like I might be starting to self-sabotage myself?? I took 3 days off the gym this past week...I usually only take 1.

I thought about it and its because this is happening too fast..I don't know if I am ready for the new identity. I have been going through therapy for the first time which has helped tremendously. I have post-its around my house with phrases which describe me (other than fat) to remind me... "I am generous", "I am pretty", "I am a good boss", "I am a good wife, mom, friend". So all these things are part of my identity and make me ME... being fat is not one of them. This is the emotional side that I will really have to work on.

I also relate to missing fat. I lost a 100 lbs 4 years ago and then had ps to remove excess stomach skin. I missed the stomach fat...still do every once in a while since it didn't come back the same when I gained weight.. It's weird!!

Good luck BBK. Try writing out what you like about you..what makes you YOU. Take the time to read it out loud a few times a day. It has helped me and maybe it would help you too?

[mstrina27 0]

This may be a surprise to many, but I feel lost lately. I feel like I have no idea who I am. Much like a mid-life crisis, but I think on a larger level.

I was the fat girl, who made everyone laugh (self defense of course) and was the center of attention. But the fat is gone, and now I feel lost.

So who are you once you loose the weight? I do not define myself as "skinny" but before I defined myself as fat. Nothing seems appropriate anymore!

Wow... This is deep....I have been there when i lost weight before. I never reached my goal, however i was close to reaching it before i got prego... but that is so true... because i noticed about myself that i would stop trying to be funny and making people laugh because i was fat. Now i had to worry about others thinking that I would take their guy because i had come out of a 'shell' and people saw how pretty i really am. Now it's like u don't fit with the 'fat' people...or the 'thin' people. It seems like u just imerged and dropped from out of space and have to find out who's who again. I am going thru this all over again... because picking the weight up again of course all of my fat friends wanted to talk to me and hang out.. but since it's coming off.. i find myself not talking to them as much like they are thinking i'm too good for them or something... This is one of my major issues...I posted about this also...Great Thread....

[shortgal 5]

This is a great thread Boo Boo Kitty and lots of great responses.

Do you think you are lost b/c you have devoted so much effort and time into reaching your goal and now that you have, you're unsure what to do now? No focus?

My husband and I spend many years at our son's and daughter's school and sports events and many of the people we associated with were b/c of those activities. Once both kids graduated, a year apart from each other, I looked at my husband and said well now what do we do on a Saturday night? And what did we do before we had those activities? We really had to start all over.

So i guess I wonder if you spend so many years concentrating on the weight and now you don't have to, is that part of the lost feeling?

Like at that time our children defined who we were, like your weight loss journey defined you. It's over, so now what defines you?

[JudyAnticola 2]

I have the same concerns. I have not been banded yet, but I wonder what excuse I will use for all those things I blamed on my weight. I think I will still be funny, and I am sure I will be very happy. But no change comes without a price, I am ready for the change though, and am sure I can figure out the rest. Do not be worried though Boo Boo, you are truly the same great person you were, you will see that soon.

[rharriet62 0]

Lawchick, yeah, totally NORMAL! I was a school counselor in the perfect job. I had surgery and lost about 70 lbs and suddenly I was thinking...WHY the HELL am I putting up with the crap with administrators who don't value what I do? Of course, I loved the teachers and kids, but it hit me that I was not being valued and I was doing a yeoman's service. So, I actually quit the schools (having been a teacher/counselor for nearly 20 years!), went into private practice PART-TIME and am considering writing among other interests. The deal with part-time is that I committed time to work out and care for myself until I get all the weight off I want to get off and then I'm going to re-evaluate and see what I want to do. I think EVERYTHING changes. I've gone thru times when I've thought...my husband is great, but is THIS really for me? GIVE IT TIME. I go thru these thoughts & re-eval my life all the time now because my fat isn't an excuse for why I HAVE to do X, Y, or Z. Give it a YEAR. You can always do a different kind of law then if you want to!

[Pix 4]

Who am I gonna be when I lose the weight? I am gonna be the person I am now, then and tomorrow. My weight does not define me, nor does it define you. I have always been a very happy go lucky person, and just because my packaging has changed doesn't mean who I am will change. I have always been this way, thin, fat, almost fat, almost thin I have always been me.

On of my favorite quotes, I don't know who said it and after all of this time I don't remember even where I read it from but it is thus .....

I am me, for I can be no one else

I have lived by that quote for more years than I can count anymore.

[ivyrose325 0]

Boo Boo-

I can also relate. I have never been comfortable in my skin I have spent a large portion of my life being obese with a small window where I was thin ( I had lost 135 lbs over a few years pre-band)

Since I was limited physically I spent a lot of time figuring out me and I built my identity up on my non physical attributes, such as doing well in school and being empathetic. I pretty much disconnected my self identity from my body as much as possible( if that makes sense)

However, when I did lose a large amount of weight during my late teens people began to pay attention to the physical side of me and that made me very uncomfortable.

Before I could find a way to realize that the physical is just another facet of who I am and how to intergrate it into my life I had gained back all of the weight ( I ate all of my post 9/11 feelings)

Now I am down a little over 106 lbs since banding(140 from my all time heaviest) and I am 'normal' fat about a size 16/18 not thin but people no longer ignore me and I actually get compliments on how I look on occassion. I am now trying to accept my body as it is instead of ignoring it

you're not alone there is so much headwork that goes along with this process

[Ceradad 10]

When I first started researching the lapband, I saw many times that people get depressed AFTER the weight loss. I could not understand why/how that would happen. Now, I think I understand. People see and look at you different. They had you pegged in one hole and you are trying to fit into another one. That scares people.

I work as a police officer. Let me tell you, if there is one group that doesn't like change, it the law enforcement community. Because of this, my standing in the pecking order in my dept is out of whack. And not just because of my fellow officers. I've always been a focus of jokes due to my size, which (to them) leads to less intelligence, and the amount of hair on my body. I have been called everything from Chewbacca to sasquatch and pretty much everything in btwn. I laughed it all off. I even called myself the "dept straight man" for the jokes. I set up the joke and the others would spike it home.

Now, I just don't have the energy or desire to do that. As such, I find myself wondering where I fit in now. And, unfortunately, it is not just at work. My friends outside of church as well. I don't feel comfortable around a lot of them anymore.

Hopefully, this is just a valley in my lb journey and I will come out on the other side stronger. Just have to be patient I guess.

[Daisalana 33]

After losing 104lbs, I just feel like a 20 year old for the first time. I was crippled with back pains by time I was 20-21, so I now finally feel my age. I think that's the only way I feel different at this point!

[snuffy65 1]

I think alot of people expect too much also when they lose alot of weight.

I know I did, when I lost tons of weight in college. I went from 295 to 165 and the whole time I thought I would be a new man.

Don't get me wrong, I felt alot better, I was more active and joined more social circles. However, the confidents was there but not the knowledge. I didn't know how to be outgoing "mentally". Basically I was the same shy guy in a new body. I since then gained my weight back after getting married.

I think it will be different this time because I am older and have my "set" of friends and won't have to start new ones.

Bottom line, losing weight will get you noticed more and first impressions are alot easier to handle. However, being skinny doesn't just give you the ability to hold new relationships and activities only makes them easier to start.

[tapshoes 2]

I hadn't even thought of this.

Thanks BBK for the thread, and thanks to all who responded. Although I am still new at this 'band life', I really had not thought about the essence of me post weight loss. I suppose I was and am focussed on losing the weight and learning the life style.

I hope I am the same me - but thinner. I don't think I defined myself as the fat female, but perhaps others did, and it will be they who will change. I just don't know.

food for thought.

[Wheetsin 714]

This may be a surprise to many, but I feel lost lately. I feel like I have no idea who I am. Much like a mid-life crisis, but I think on a larger level.

I was the fat girl, who made everyone laugh (self defense of course) and was the center of attention. But the fat is gone, and now I feel lost.

So who are you once you loose the weight? I do not define myself as "skinny" but before I defined myself as fat. Nothing seems appropriate anymore!

THis has come up among some banded girls I know IRL... let me ask, were you significantly overweight your entire life, or at least most of it? Or did you not gain until later in life?

There were 3 of us in this particular conversation. One lady had been significantly overweight/obese her entire life. She didn't have a single memory of being thin, a single picture, etc. The other two had become obese later in life, maybe having bouts of chubiness as kids, growing out of them, and starting to pork out maybe around high school or college.

I'm in the latter group, and for me and the other lady, we had a sense of "getting my body back" -- of "this is how I'm supposed to be, I've just been not myself lately" and of "I can't wait to be back into this size and pull it from my closet."

But for the third lady, the one who only knew obesity, she was having some much harder self-concept issues. She couldn't relate to a thin body, had no past references to relate to, or hope for. For her, losing weight was much more like us as we gained - we lost our bodies, had no idea what we'd look like in the end, and longed for the way we were. In her case, she too was losing her body, but the fat body. She had no idea what she would look like thin because since being a toddler she had never been thin. And she did kind of long for her fat self in a way, because it's what she knew, and not nearly as scary as this unknown thing around the corner.

[Daisalana 33]

I've been obese since I was born.. heh. Don't scur me Wheet :/

At this point I haven't identified myself as anyone different, I just finally feel my age.

[Lillyanne_M 0]

But for the third lady, the one who only knew obesity, she was having some much harder self-concept issues. She couldn't relate to a thin body, had no past references to relate to, or hope for. For her, losing weight was much more like us as we gained - we lost our bodies, had no idea what we'd look like in the end, and longed for the way we were. In her case, she too was losing her body, but the fat body. She had no idea what she would look like thin because since being a toddler she had never been thin. And she did kind of long for her fat self in a way, because it's what she knew, and not nearly as scary as this unknown thing around the corner.

This is me all over. I've always been overweight so I have no idea what I'll look like when I get to goal. I still have 60 lbs to go and I've only been this thin one other time in my adult life.

The other day, I noticed a man looking at me and it freaked me out a little. I'm so used to thinking people are looking at me because I'm the fattest person in the room - especially here in South Florida, which is kind of like L.A. when it comes to the amount of time people put into how they look. It occured to me that now, I'm not sure why he was looking at me. Maybe it was because he thought I was attractive? Who knows? I certainly don't and I'm afraid I'll never have the confidence to say, "OF COURSE he was looking at me because I'm HOT!"

This is something my sister would never even debate in her head. She would just naturally assume he was staring because he thought she was cute. I don't think I'll ever feel that way and it makes me a little sad.