Overweight Daughter

[Gone4Now 4]

Ninja, I feel the same way about the rules and getting as much food as I can, when I can.

I used to feel really anxious at company events. When food was brought in, or we went out, I was always concerned I wouldn't get enough. If people jumped in line ahead of me, I'd get grumpy. Like big 'ole me wouldn't get food and would starve or something.

But, since the band - I LOVE MY BAND - I don't feel that way. I know they'll be plenty of food for me. I feel badly for my daughter because I couldn't stop my eating before the band. Now, I have a tool that helps me. But I'm at a loss of what can help her.

I'm definitely going to work on it, and try to encourage her as positively as I can.

Thanks for all the advice - I really appreciate it all.

[Cerrin 3]

i JUST WANT TO ADD MY 2 CENTS IN.

I was a big kid...IN my head. I went with my mom to weight watchers. and Thought it was my problem too. I heard the messages You cant eat that. And so I DID eat it and more.

You say that sports are expensive...but the surgery is not only more expensive. It is Surgery. I bet if you ask someone for help on the cost of the sports you may be able to get a discount or a scolarship for it.

If she is interested I gay go for it.

One super fun excercise I love is Dance Dance Revolution.

It is played on the playstation 2 game system. It is a lot of fun and I would not call it excercise. But you do get a great cardio work out from it.

[Gone4Now 4]

We have DDR! We love it! That is a work out. At first (at my heaviest) she kept asking me to try it. I was like, NO WAY. But, now I love it.

We do stuff like that...and I am around her a lot (minus her grandmother's time). How is she getting big? She MUST be eating more at my mom's than they both tell me.

I've tried talking to my mom about it and she's in complete denial. I don't want to leave my daughter alone in the afternoon, and I can't afford daycare.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't change my mom's ideas about food. They are her comfort and she will comfort anyone with food - in fact, she'll practically shove it down your throat! So, I really need to get into my daughter's head what she needs to do about it. She's old enough to get it, but I don't want her to get the head games like many of us have developed.

Actually, that's what I was hoping WW would do for her. Do you think WW would actually mess her up more? I was hoping it would show her what healthy can be.

[Cerrin 3]

For me I was too young at 10 to be in weight watchers. I personaly think all the talk about how to lose weight messed me up. Constantly thinking about food...what I can have what I cant have. did me more harm then good.

If we would of not had the tub of ice cream and sodas and all the chips and Cookies I MAY not of ended up as large as I did. But the continuious thought about food is what kills me on diets.

That is why diets dont work...healthy eatting habbits do.

and ultimitly she will learn them from you and your mother. her habits...healthy or unhealthy

[amc581 0]

I know alot of people are giving you ideas, and I don't have any children but from my experience with a mother that had food issues my whole life, which for sure manafested (sp) itself through me among alot of other things that caused my self hatred and eating. Its all about you and the examples that you show her being active, eating healthy, understanding what caused you and your daughter to eat. like you said your overeating is partailly due to abuse. You said you are a single mother, is her father around. I don't mean for you to answer that to me, but just to yourself. My father left when I was 3 and i never saw him again. This including my mother shoving food at me so she wouldn't eat it and constatly bringing up what I ate and making me upset with her for it so I would eat the bad stuff to spite her sometimes. I really truley believe if my mother had known what her food issues were she would have been able to deal with mine better. just my opinion be there for her understand that nagging will not help but communication and understanding. its a fine line between the two.

[Gone4Now 4]

Thank you...Now I'm really re-thinking the WW thing. It's not like she's excited about it, either, so that makes it worse.

Alicia, thanks for sharing your story. Her dad is in another state, but he calls her. He teaches tennis, and is very athletic and also skinny. He's a vegan so his diet is way different than ours.

I'm thinking rather than going to WW tonight, we should just go for an hour long walk!

[luluc 6]

I'm thinking rather than going to WW tonight, we should just go for an hour long walk!

Now I think that's a PERFECT choice. My mom took me to WW @ the age of 12. Mind you, both my parents are very slim - vain to be honest & I was an active, very early matured "age 12". By then I was approx 4'11 & 120lbs 30C bra / already having periods - that was "fat" in my parents mind...but I was a very athletic kid, who ran sports every season: soccer / tennis / lacrosse / field hockey.

WW demoralized me. I was in a room with woman - not kids; and back then I was asked to step on a scale in front of strangers......nothing could have made me motivatited to loose weight less than standing in that room.

I remember coming home & the ice cream man was in front of our house and my brothers were all chowing down ... and I'm like I WANT SOME!!..btw - don't like ice cream, never have. But that was the worst thing my parents ever did - and I love them, but taking me to WW at age 12 did not help me one bit in having a good relationship w/food.

Personally, this hit home - I think getting her active, along with you would be my first step. Keept posting - I'm interested in how things progress w/your daughter:)

[Skinny_Jill 36]

I don't have kids but I can share what I went through. I was thin until high school and then I was only 15 - 20 pounds over weight. My mother wanted me to lose weight. I wanted to lose it too but it wasn't killing me. She actually put me on diet pills. By the time I graduated from high school I was 105 pounds. At 5'1" I was right on target and felt great. Of course, I started gaining again in college and I gained even more back. College didn't work out for me so I was back at home. My father died when I was 19 and we had a hard time with it. She was always on my case about what I was eating and always offered to pay for another diet plan. I lived with her and didn't want to here her telling me how bad the food was I was eating so I hid it. I would be angry with her and eat just to spite her. I wanted to be thin and I would try different diet plans and lose some weight but would always gain it back plus some. Her constant harping about my weight really bothered me and I am not blaming her for my weight gain because it was my choice to eat. I know she wanted what was best for me. However, I got to the point where I would drive through some where on my way home from work and get a small cheeseburger so that when I ate my small meal I with her I would be full and not suffer.

We've discussed this in the last few years and she finally learned that the person has to want to lose weight and change or it won't happen. She gained about 20 pounds a few years ago and it bothered her so I told her to join WW. She did and lost the weight and now works for them. She loves her job and is much more understanding. She sees people that lose weight and some that just can't succeed. She has been super supportive of my LB journey. I don't know if anything would have kept me from reaching 221 pounds but I feel it definitely didn't help. I was 15 pounds over weight but that wasn't good enough, I had to perfect. That attitude is not healthy.

Be sure to let her be a part of the decision making in her weight loss journey. It sounds like you are doing the right thing and I wish you all the best.

[isabelle290 0]

I have had severe weight problems since I was a young child. I was forced to go to Weight Watchers, too when I was in junior high. I was NOT ready for that. I felt so out of place. I also felt so horrible about myself that I was being made to go. Another thing, it didn't work! I kept getting bigger and thankfully my band has finally got me in control of my eating. Is it possible that maybe you could join the YMCA or a fitness club together? I think if you let her know you are working on this as a team, it will be more successful. I always felt so alone. Exercise and NOT buying the junk food is key. Now that I have a band, all of my family eats better. I don't allow all of the bad food in my house anymore. I don't want my young girls to go through the same hell I went through being a fat child. I have my girls in physical activities like gymnastics and soccer. That way, we are out of the house AWAY from food. Try talking to her and see how she feels about the situation. She is the innocent one here. Only you can help her change. It is hard, I know, with three children of my own. Good luck and keep us posted.

[brandyII 9]

Gloucester,

I didn't read all the responses to your thread because there were so many after I read yours.

My own daughter is 19 and getting a gastric bypass in May and I'm sure she'd be thrilled to know that I was writing about her right now!

Anyway, she too was always a head taller than her classmates ever since she was in Kindergarten. She's now six feet, possibly a little more. Being tall and overweight is a double burden. I guess because you stand out for two different reasons and it can be quite a burden.

It's also a burden on the mother who feels every pain her daughter feels because she feels in some way it's her fault.

I never thought of her as overweight but a tall tot when she was a tot. But the pediatrician had me take her to a weight doctor when she was a tot and that started the spiral of dieting when she was so young. It's an awful thing to deal with.

I was an overweight kid but when I look back at my pictures as a child I was not as overweight as I thought I was in my own head.

There's something I think that happens when we put youngsters on "diets" that ends up screwing them/us up in the end. It also seems that large weight gains tend to happen around puberty also.

My daughter is a beautiful, super intelligent and very artistic girl and for the life of me I'd do anything for her. I never wished this on her but as she is now 19 and she does have insurance coverage and with the assistance of therapy etc... has decided to do this surgery.

It breaks my heart that she has to do this drastic thing even though sometimes I wish now that I had done it instead of the lap band but it's my baby, it's not me this time. But if she didn't do it I don't know what kind of life she would have. So it's her decision and I'm behind her 100%.

I know I've kind of gotten off the track of the original post but I just want you to see what has happened to me and I had the tall 10 year old at one time too. I don't know the answer and don't know if there is one answer. Get the best help you can get though, and read the books that people have suggested. There has to be something out there that will help you. But loving yourself and loving her for the way she is now is really important but listening to her hurts and wants is important too. She's too young to deal with the kind of decision my daughter has had to deal with and hopefully never will. Best of luck to you both, brandyII.

[Long2BFree 12]

I too was 11 years old when I started going to Weight Watchers. My mom just recently told me that she used to laugh when she dropped me off at the meetings. Talk about cutting with a knife. Anyway, the best advice I can give to you is to attend the meetings with your daughter, participate in the plan and help her prepare foods. There is nothing worse than feeling alone when dealing with weight at this tender age. Tell her she's beautiful and love her unconditionally so that she has a good self image of herself. Reward her successes with non-food related rewards.

[healthyagain 0]

I am the single mother of a 9 year old girl. She is not overweight at all and she seems to eat healthy by choice rather than me forcing it on her. So I don't have much advice there. BUT...Since my surgery, she has been my walking buddy. She loves it as much as I do. We walk 3 miles together a few nights a week. It's a great opportunity to spend some time together and catch up on the days happenings. Maybe you and your daughter could try something similar. It really is great quality time spent together. And good for both.

[favorite 3]

i went to ww at age 10 and lost weight. as a matter of fact i was just about your daughters weight and lost 25 pounds. it made such a BIG difference. i went from this chubby girl to a girl who suddenly had a figure. we had an entire wall in the living room that was a mirror, i spent all my free time staring at myself in that mirror. i loved the new me. i became happier and more outgoing. so please take her. ww is not a diet its the way you are supposed to eat to be normal and healthy. so dont feel that you are putting her on a diet, youre teaching her the correct way to eat.

[Gone4Now 4]

Okay, update: It was raining pretty badly at home so I took that as a sign. :redface: Soooo, we went to WW.

I asked her before we left if it was something that she wanted to do, and she was very excited about going - had looked forward to it all week, she said. The people that worked there were very nice to her about it, and one lady pulled her aside and explained that her weight was private and she didn't even have to show me. That thrilled her because she's a private kid.

The speaker was a guy who had a sarcastic sense of humor (just like us) and she clicked with him immediately.

I am happy with the choice, and I think going to the meetings will help her out a lot. She asked him about a party she's having in school tomorrow, and he gave her ideas on how to handle it. She was very excited and happy about it.

One thing I liked is that he stressed it's not diet - it's a way to make healthy choices. He said diets don't work, this is something you can live with. So, I really get the impression that she believes it's NOT a D-I-E-T. I think she knows it's a way to judge how much she should be eating to be healthy. (Another thing the speaker pointed out.)

I joined, too. I get 29 points a day, and I'm thinking "ain't no way! I just got a fill!" :tongue: I didn't mention that I was banded. I'm not sure that would go over very well. But, I will try to get the points in and really do the program with her. After all, it's a healthy way to eat, right? It should work for both of us, banded or not.

One thing I tried to get through to her is that her weight won't drop like it does for adults, or like what she sees on Biggest Loser. (Especially like Biggest Loser!) She seemed disappointed, and I explained again that she doesn't really have to lose a bunch of weight, but instead learn how to eat healthy, and be healthy. Weight loss isn't the goal here. That appeased her somewhat, but I kind of think she's expecting Biggest Loser triumphs. Hmmm...maybe I'll bring that up to the leader next week.

Oh - I also had to explain that it's not a magical drop, and this will take a long time. That this is a commitment - like having dogs, we have to work at it, even though it's fun.

That's when her eyes glazed over as they do when I go into lecture mode.

[Cerrin 3]

Well good luck.

The only thing I want to stress is EVERYONE cringes at the word excercise. But playing everyone wants to do. so things like frisby golf is a fun GAME where you walk a lot. and the DD revolution is a game. and Flying a kite is just fun. but they are all activities that get you out and about.

OH and please make sure she DOES eat all her points. they do matter.