My weight loss is hurting my sister

[ovahkummer 11]

It's amazing to hear so many people with this common problem. I thought I was alone on this. I never talk about it unless she brings it up. I've always thought that she would be by my side all the way when i made the decision to do this. I only told two persons my husband and her and my biggest surprise was that my mom is my biggest fan,apart from my husband of course. The good thing is that it has spurred her into weightloss mode because as is common, she is smaller than me and probably can't bear to see me smaller than her. I've decided to wait her out. She was real skeptical at first, but it's wearing down. She sees how well I've been doing with dieting for the first time in my life and she realizes that it's not as bad as she thought it would have been. She has no problem with losing, it's just keeping it off that stumps her. I intend to show her that her best chances of this are with the band. So like I said I'm just going to wait her out.

[Heatherlee 0]

My closest girl friend flat out said to me that being around me makes her feel so bad about her weight as she knows the band isn't an option for her right now. At first it hurt but then I realized that she will see the results regardless of what I say---so I just play it down. I do let her know how hard it is though--the pbing , heart burn, limited food choices etc... That does seem to balance the tables a bit. I think we all have to watch out that we don't become too self absorbed and frankly become bores aroung aour friends and family.

[snuffy65 1]

Snuffy,

I can see what your saying...but isn't that the way most people are about everything? I met a new guy, my son has to stay back in school, my tenants are destroying my house etc... It's only natural to want to share the newest adventure in one's life. And, much like it would be incredibly rude to tell the mom whose child is staying back to stop talking about it, it would be just as rude to tell a recent WLS recipient to stop talking about it.

SO...who the heck knows?

Rain

Yes, but two months is not "Recent" to anyone. Two months of hearing "tenants destroying my house" or "son got held back" and I would tell that person to STFU even if it is family.

Yes, WLS is an ongoing battle but it was a choice of the person to have it and I don't need to hear about it every day. My other point was the fact that my RNY sister told everyone after my other sister's out burst that she felt she wasn't talking about it that much. However, every conversations with her would end up one way or another about her WLS. She had no idea how annoying it was, which is the reason I said take a look at what YOU are doing before, jumping on the "my sister is jealous" band wagon.

My WLS psychiatrist mentioned I had listed alot of family and friends as my support structure at home. He then went on to ask if I went to any support meetings yet and i told him "no, I have plenty of family thats been through this already and they are supportive".

He then went onto say that I should considered that list cut at least in half. Because even the closest people to you will not want to listen to your WLS story all the time after a few months.

He said thats why support gorups are important. To get support from a place that will consistently listen and help you no matter how long.

[wombat712 2]

He then went onto say that I should considered that list cut at least in half. Because even the closest people to you will not want to listen to your WLS story all the time after a few months.

He said thats why support gorups are important. To get support from a place that will consistently listen and help you no matter how long.

Great Point Snuffy!!! I try to be carefull to not bring it up around friends/family that have weight issues. I don't want them to think I'm bragging or being self centered. I'm just really excited!!!!!

I have a twin sister that has always been smaller than me - always!!!! Except, when she was pregnant - ok I'll give her that one. lol. I am now the same size as she is. Surprise, but now she is starting an exercise program :thumbup: I'm 16 pounds to goal and I'll probably go down at least one more size - she told me in church that she wants all my clothes. uh - NO! I'm getting them tailored!

She has generally been self-focused and self-centered her whole life. Her life has been much tougher than mine - 2 failed marriages - on the third now and well, it's a mistake too. So there's very much that she is jealous about, not just my weight.

I truly find the best support on here. If we are on here, then we are focusing on our eating, our issues, our health, exercise, etc. There's always someone that wants to listen (read :crying:)

I heart this board!

wombat

[snuffy65 1]

Great Point Snuffy!!! I try to be carefull to not bring it up around friends/family that have weight issues. I don't want them to think I'm bragging or being self centered. I'm just really excited!!!!!

Let me tell you something. Before I went to see the shrink I thought it would be a bunch of BS. I never seenw a shrink before and really didn't believe in them. During most of my session, I was right. Everything he told me I already knew or was just a no brainer for me. But the minute he brought this point up, I sat there and imagined what I would be like after surgery and it was so true. We get so mixed up in something that makes our own lives better that we forget no one else is experiencing it except through you.

Not saying you should or shouldn't tell people in your life. But for Gods sake keep it to a minimum. I work with, play with, and live on computers. Yet, I don't talk to my family about it all day. I save that for my online friends or co workers. Just like I will save all my hardcore WLS questions and gripes and goals online here and in support groups. :thumbup:

Edited April 10, 2008 by snuffy65

[Shinyhappymommy 2]

I'm so glad I started this thread. I hadn't realized how self-absorbed I must have become, especially in talking to other people.

Snuffy said that two months isn't recent, well it's not only been for two months that I've been talking about it. I've been talking about it since November, when I decided to do it. It was probably worse before surgery because that was literally almost the only thing I could think or talk about from the moment I decided! I've calmed way down since then.

I've decided that it's okay to talk about weight loss efforts with her since we're both trying. We talk about yummy food ideas (healthy, of course) and exercise efforts, etc. I just am not mentioning the results.

I have a blog where I keep friends and family updated. Whenever I update, I send an email with a link so people don't have to keep checking on it and because I don't update it super often. I had posted some great progress pictures a couple of days ago and she had yet to mention them. She brought them up to me today, telling me that they looked great. We talked for a brief moment about it, but I let the topic die without dragging it out. I think if I let her take the lead on any weight loss discussion, it will make a huge difference.

Also, I have several friends who have weight issues and most of them are dieting. I need to also make sure I don't make comments that would be construed as bragging to them.

I do have lots of support, so it's not like I'm deprived of being able to talk about it if I want to.

I'd do anything to make sure our relationship stays strong, so this isn't all that big of a deal. Thanks for helping me to realize that. I do think that in time we'll be able to get past the awkwardness of this stage of things.

[lenore1890 0]

Im glad you started this thread too. And can I just add that its not just family and close friend who treat you differently. I gained 40 lbs over this past year and the way co-workers and complete strangers treat me like im always in their way and as if my weight is contagious is starting to wear on me I really cant wait till I start losing the weight (Ill probably be banded sometime in july or august). Ive even had kids in the supermarket point and tell me Im fat. Its embarassing and heartwrenching. I can even remember leaving the grocery store close to tears. People can be so mean. I mean yes Im willing to take responsibility for most of my weight but I didnt wake up and decide my goal was to reach 300lbs. I just cant wait to be treated like a human in my everyday world and not just in circles where others are in the same boat.

[gkeyt 0]

Wouldn't it be great if they did classes about the reactions of friends and family when you do your preop classes? I don't recall this being mentioned once but it is a huge issue and most of us learn how to deal with it (or how not to!) by trial and error. Seeing a counselor is an excellent idea especially for dealing with this kind of issue (whoever posted that they were seeing one--good on ya!)

Someone else posted comparing WLS to winning the lottery. I think that's a pretty good analogy. Friends and family have their weight issues too, and it's easy to see WLS as "cheating" when they are in the midst of their own struggles. For us, we've gotten to the point that we see our dieting and exercise attempts are getting us nowhere. We'd like nothing more than for our friends/family who have the same struggles to have a tool like the one we've just gotten. But they feel abandoned, insecure, jealous. Sometimes feeling that way can spur them to make their own decisions about their weight (and that can be really uncomfortable to have to think about). I recall a few years before I had lap band surgery, I had a friend who had RNY and I was at first concerned for her, then supportive mixed with jealous. She was always much larger than me and became very slim (and she had always been beautiful, so now she is a knockout). It made me uncomfortable, but when I started realizing that my weight was getting worse, not better, with the years of dieting, her journey helped me make my own decisions about mine.

I think another thing is that siblings are always going to be competitive in some way, whether we realize it or not. As kids we all competed with each other for our parents' love and affection, even though we loved each other and our parents loved us equally. This happens with all siblings. And we get firm ideas in our heads (esp. the older we get) about who we are: I'm the funny one, sister's the thin one, etc. It can really mess with our sibs when we change this--suddenly I can become the thin one AND the funny one! Or whatever.

I don't know that there's a magic answer to how to deal with these issues. From my experience, time is the best solution. It takes time for our friends and family to see that while we are changing physically, we are still the same people and we still love them and aren't going to abandon them. And we do have to be sensitive to how much we are gabbing about our successes. That's why I still come to LBT and other online support (the support group at my surgeon's was terrible so I stopped going to that). I learned early on that I was really BORING talking about WLS all the time. I was totally obsessed with the topic from the time I went to the seminar until several months after my surgery. That is why I started a blog, so I could get all my thoughts about it out without making my husband's eyes glaze over, or my friends and family annoyed. (My hubby's been an awesome support, but in the beginning he was scared, and post op I think he got a little tired of it for a while) As time has gone on, my urge to talk about it constantly has diminished, and people have asked me more questions about it. I take that as a cue that they want to hear about it, and otherwise don't really talk about it.

Anyway, to the OP, I think if you are sensitive to how it is making your sister feel, and find some other avenues to talk about what's going on with you until she's more comfortable, that will help your relationship. Eventually, with time, she'll probably see that you aren't really changing even though you are losing weight, and things will get better. It's understandable to want to share this amazing experience with those closest to us, but we have to be sensitive to their feelings too, even if they don't make sense to us.

[brandyII 9]

I think that WLS or no WLS we all should be treated as humans just as we are. We shouldn't have to wait until we lose a certain amount of pounds before we think of ourselves as worthy enough to join the human race. We are a big part of the human race like it or not. We're the only group that people can still make fun of and get away with it. We are discriminated against and that's wrong! You can't do that with religious groups or race, cultures, or religions, you can't even do with with blonds, hey I am one.

Anyway, I don't mean to get on the "high horse" or be a bore but whether we lose weight or not we need to feel good about ourselves. And if we don't we need to focus on that. Health should always be the main focus of weight loss, we live in a very shallow world, all you have to do is turn on a TV or read a magazine to know that. The more consumed this nation has been with dieting the fatter we've become and why is that? Because it doesn't necessarily work. Maybe some of us are really size 18s, and if we try to go under that our body will fight it. I just picked that size at random but I think you know what I mean.

Everyone is focused on weight, our family, our friends, EVERYONE! Let's focus on our health and being good people and as hard as it is we have to either fight or flee the people that abuse us for our size.

Sorry for venting, maybe I should have posted it elsewhere but I was here and it just came out, brandyII.

[MrsFlipFlops 2]

I don't know. I see the point being made about not talking about it... but on the other hand- if my best friend was pregnant (and I am having trouble because of a fertility issue) I wouldn't expect the friend to stop talking to me about it. It's a big change in your life. I would expect my sisters to get over their feelings of jealousy because as my sisters and best friends they should supportive. The point of friendships is to give and take. Both ways.

I would probably just have an honest talk with my sister and explain- this is a huge thing in my life, I've noticed you've been acting a little different, I need your support, but don't want to be obnoxious. I would expect both of us to change a little.