My weight loss is hurting my sister

[Shinyhappymommy 2]

I am 2 months post-op. I’ve had amazing support from all the people in my life. There is a situation developing, though that is really bothering me. I have a sister that I’m very close with. Of the two of us, I’ve always been the heavy one. I still am, by far. But even though she’s been supportive from the start of this journey for me, I can tell that it’s becoming increasingly frustrating for her to hear of my successes. She has about 60 lbs to lose. She’s working so hard, exercising every day and trying to make good food choices. She’s having such slow success, and probably doesn’t want to hear that I’ve lost another 3 or 6 pounds. I try not to be obnoxious about it, but it has been amazing and thrilling for me to be losing this weight.

I’ve asked her if she’s bothered and told her to let me know if she needs a break from my talking about my surgery. She assured me she was fine, but admitted it’s frustrating sometimes. Well, I made the point not to mention it for several days (We talk multiple times daily on the phone.) and when I talked about trying to decide about my next fill, she seemed very distant. She always follows it up by talking about her weight loss efforts, as if she’s feeling the need to compete with me.

This is making me very sad. My sister is my best friend and I don’t want anything to come between us. At the same time, this weight loss journey is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, so it really bothers me that she’s having trouble with it. I want her to be happy for me and put any little jealousies aside. I don’t think she’d know what to do with herself if I became smaller than her. She’s never been bigger than me. (I’m older than her, so I really do mean never.)

She hasn’t seen me (except in photos) since my surgery as we live several hundred miles apart. I really want to get these uneasy feelings resolved. Anyone else have similar experiences or advice?

[aubrie 6]

If it's hurting her, why continue to talk about it? That's like rubbing salt in a wound. Do you have any local girlfriends that you can talk to about it? I don't discuss my surgery with anyone. For me it's very private, and I only talk to my family about it if they ask. BUT I do regularly attend a support group for WLS patients. It's my psychological outlet for talking about it and getting the POSITIVE support I need to keep going. For me it's easier to talk to people who really understand. Also why I use this message board regularly...... Find a supportive ear for this besides your sister, before it causes irreparable damage. Talk to her about everything else. You may really need her one day, and a wall between you does nobody any good.

[SuzanneG 1]

My brother and I are also close and he is the one who got me to go to the seminar with him. We both planned to be banded and support each other. Then his job wouldn't let him take off and through a serious of unfortunate events, he has no idea when or if he'll be able to get the band.

When I shared my success with him I thought we were talking as partners, two people interested in the same thing. Instead of making him look forward to it or happy for me, he could only feel sad that he's trapped, for the moment in a body that he despises.

I vowed right then to myself never to mention it again. He tells me from time to time that he can tell I'm losing and he trys to support me but I never make him hear about my weight loss in any way.

Most people just can't be happy for you, even if they love you and want you to succeed. I've found that most just can't hear about it. My sister, who has always been the smallest is very supportive and will let me ramble on all day about how loose my pants are or what I had to eat that day. She's the only one I share that kind of information with. For everyone else, I only tell if they ask.

You need to find someone who can honestly hear about it and not have issues with it. Let your sister off the hook. She wants you to be happy, but it's only going to hurt her to have to hear about your weight.

If you can't find someone around you who you can share with, use this board or a support group as Aubrie suggested.

I know how hard it is not to shout this from the mountain tops. You just have to be careful of other people's feelings.

Having said that, Congrats on your weight loss and please come back and tell us when you have your next victory. I jumped on here to tell everyone I moved out of the plus sized department and got so much support here!

Best of luck to you.

Edited April 7, 2008 by SuzanneG

[losing it in ne 0]

Coming from a family of 8 siblings I'm sure this is really hard. If you don't talk to her about she will be just as hurt as now and it will put as big a breach in your relationship. Maybe you just need to have a real heart to heart about your fear of losing her along with the weight. Even if you don't talk it will stand between you. I'm sure she probably thinks that the new 'skinny' you won't have time for her anymore. Any one who has been overweight for very much of there lives learns pretty quickly that peoples opinions of us are based largely on our weight and not on who we really are. Talk to her even if you need to make a trip and do it face to face, you both will be so much happier if you do. Good luck to you and I hope all goes well for you.

[jaylow 1]

my sister and I went to the same general info meeting. She decided it wasn't for her and continued to gain weight. I never said a word to her except that I was in the prep stage and it was very difficult. She has now started to do Atkins and calls me for advice on how to eat better Protein, best crystal light flavors etc. I think if you don't discuss it often but just mention it enough so she feels you are not keeping her out of the loop it will help. I then call my thin sister to discuss my weight loss. Good luck

[blahblahblah 4]

I have a very similar situations occuring with my sister. She is 6 years older than I and I've always been heavier than her. She struggles with her weight, but is "only" overweight. She's never been even close to obese.

She out and out said that it is weird for her that I am no longer going to be the fat sister...that we will all be the same or that I will be even smaller.

I don't want to hurt her and it has meant that I have stopped talking about my weight loss unless she brings it up. It's not fun...but I certainly don't want to make her feel awful as she has ALWAYS been as sympathetic of me being the only obese person in our family.

My younger sister is a totally different body shape and size...Older sister and I are bot 6ft...and little sister is only 5'7" and skinny...So there is no competition there...I get to talk to the younger sister as much as I want...which is lucky for me!!!

Best of luck...

Rain

[novbeginning 0]

I have a similar situation with my sister. Everytime she see's me she jokes saying she better start losing weight because there is no way she will let me be smaller than her. I'm not in a competition with her and it hurts me to think she is starting to resent me. I still have quite a bit to go to get down to her size... for starters i'm much taller and bigger boned... she is 3 inches shorter and small boned.... I wish she would just stop the remarks. so I understand what your going through. I don't talk about my weight loss progress with my sister unless she asks me a question. I don't want her to blame me for rubbing anything in her face... she will do that next.

[Jachut 487]

I've got the same situation. My youngest sister has always had a minor weight problem, she's been very thin once or twice, but she and I have the same basic build and like me she's prone to gaining weight but has basically spent adulthood until her mid 30's within a spit of healthy weight.

Like me also she appears to be packing it on now with 2 young children at home. She's gotten VERY hefty of late, she says she needs to lose 10kg (23lb) but seriously, its more like 20kg. I think she's understating it because she's intimidated by the fact that our middle sister is tiny and petite and whilst she's always had to watch her weight, she always had the comofrt that I was the fat one. Its a weird feeling that, and I went through it when my girlfriend lost a lot of weight.

But I think she's getting desperate about it, and by the time her life sorts out, both kids are at school and she has time to actually devote to herself, she's going to be obese. And I think she knows that and doesnt quite know how to handle the reality of seeing me on a day to day basis. And I dont want to preach to her, but the truth is if she doesnt get control of it NOW, she's going to be lining up for a lapband in five years time too.

Its hard. I try to steer conversation away from my weight and it helps that my mum has lost about 10 kg recently after a minor heart attack last November, and the focus can be on her instead.

[jnbwilds 0]

This is such a common thing! I've always been the big one in my family. My mom and sister have always been normal weight, and both are totally supportive of me and the band. But to my surprise, once I started losing weight, they both went on diets! Suddenly, they're telling me about their exercise, or what new diet recipe they're trying. Maybe it's an attempt to have something in common?? But frankly - thin people on diets have always just annoyed me. (hee hee!)

So - I make my support group other banded friends. Through my doctor's support group - I've made local friends who totally get my journey - we can exercise together, get together for coffee, chat, shop, vent, etc. - and I know I am with people who understand.

Don't get me wrong - my family has been great - but there can be a lot of competition baggage that creeps up in family relationships!!

[cathyalmond 1]

I thinks it's great that you and your sister are so close, but if the subject of weight and weight loss is causing a wedge, remove it. Talk about other exciting things going on in your lives. Share your weight loss experiences with other family members, friends or a WLS support group.

I have decided to keep my upcoming surgery a secret from almost everyone but a few friends and my husband. My sons don't even know anything yet, they suspect but I have not confirmed anything.

Your weight loss should be celebrated, and no one should damper it for you!!!

Best of luck Cathy

[Shinyhappymommy 2]

Thanks for all the replies. I hadn't even considered that this is going to have to be unspoken with her. I will not bring the subject up with her. If she asks, I'll tell her, but I don't want to pour salt in a wound.

Part of me wants to pout because this is so huge for me. I usually share everything with her and for me to not share this with her doesn't seem normal. The immature part of me wants her to get over it and be happy for me. But the truth is that our relationship is way more important to me than that and I honestly don't want to cause her pain.

Even though we don't live near each other right now, we sort of feed off each other with our eating habits. When one of us is doing poorly, we both seem to do poorly. When one of us is trying hard to eat well, it rubs off on the other one. So my having surgery and changing my eating habits has had a good influence on her as well. We can certainly still talk about our efforts, I just don't need to include my results.

I am sad about this. I don't like that there's something unspoken between us. I'm usually such an open person. I hadn't expected there to be any issues with her and my weight loss. I'm just surprised and sad.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and advice. It has helped.

[snuffy65 1]

Has any of you who said you have problems with your sisters maybe think it was you? I haven't gone through the banding yet, but my sister got an RNY done. She brag about it all the time. Most of the family didn't care but a few deep down did. Finally my other sister told her that she was fed up hearing about it and told her to "tone it down".

Reason I say this is cause, yes the family is trying to be supportive so they deal with the up's and doewn's of a post op person, however it does get anoyying after abit.

Now I ain't saying the OP is this way or anyone else here in this thread, but you all may want to take a closer look at what your doing instead of just your family.

After this outburst, my family talked with the post op sister and told her to "tone it down" and didn't say anything to the disgusted sister.

I think you shouldn't talk about it at all with her. give it some time and I am sure she will bring it up on her terms. Remember, it's YOU that is getting skinnier, getting healthier, and improving your life.

Let me put it this way. How annoying would it be if a family memeber won the lotto. After winning the lotto they put all the money in a bank and only spent it on themselves, yet everyone in the family had to here how they won the lotto and how they are spending the money ALL THE TIME.

Edited April 8, 2008 by snuffy65

[blahblahblah 4]

Snuffy,

I can see what your saying...but isn't that the way most people are about everything? I met a new guy, my son has to stay back in school, my tenants are destroying my house etc... It's only natural to want to share the newest adventure in one's life. And, much like it would be incredibly rude to tell the mom whose child is staying back to stop talking about it, it would be just as rude to tell a recent WLS recipient to stop talking about it.

That said...it's also rude to tell a pregnant woman about the horrible labor you had, or about a child born with severe disabilities...it feeds her fear...And I guess when a person discusses their weight loss with someone who struggles with their weight and hasn't had a lapband...it sort of feeds their fear.

SO...who the heck knows?

Rain

[destiny79 0]

I am having the same problem my sister is very supportive, but now make comments, like I am so jealous or you make me sick lossing all that weight so fast, people use to think we were twins and now we don't get that anymore, she tried getting banded but her job have a exclusion on her policy, I don't bring up my weight lose she always brings it up and I hate to see her hurt I just tell her to save up her money to self pay, and she can follow me in her weight loss sucess

[lenore1890 0]

I hear you guys! I recently decided to begin the lapband procedure. I have a long road ahead of me, with a minimum of 3 months worth of classes and dr. apts required by my insurance. I opened up to my sister at Easter, pulle her aside because I knew that my family had issues with the surgery for weight loss thing. She 180 me. She started telling me I could get a handle on my weight with exercise. It totally depressed me that she didnt see that I had been doing just that for the last year with absolutely no positive results. She blamed a lack of commitment. Had my fiance been in the room he would have set her straight, but I had been so sure my sister would be in my court that I didnt tell him where wed disappeared to. To frustrate matters more, his initial reaction to surgery had been a selfish one. He was convinced Id leave him once I reached my desired weight goal. It took my exolaining that the reason I wanted to do this in the first place was to increase my health and life span to make every minute with him count. It wasnt until he attended a meeting on the procedure that he finally got in my court. Ive decided that Im not telling any of my family and only a select few friends. I shouldnt have to explain the decisions about my health and well being to anyone. And theres no need to push people away because your getting healthier and they arent. My advice dont tell them. Or stop talking about it and find people who are supportive to talk to, join a support group. In time they may come around. In my situation, I back tracked I told my sister Id only been thinking about the surgery and that I probably wouldnt go through with it anyway. After Ive had the surgery and theres no going back I may approach the subject with her again. But shes been perfect for her whole life and she gained about 40lbs after a breakup and she has no idea what its like to gain 30-40lbs in a year despite taking perscription pills and working out for 2 hrs a day. Some people just want you to be picture perfect and they just dont care how you do it. They really just dont want to know. Thank god for this site!