Advice? Going to file....

[Zannie 6]

Kimberly -- I'm so sorry things have gotten to this point! My only additional advice, beyond get a good lawyer, is to consider checking out www.al-anon.com or attending a local meeting. Long-term substance abuse is the over-riding problem you see in your marriage, and it seems to me that they are the people with knowledge to help your specific issues. Perhaps you'll even get some hints regarding "proof" needed for your custody battle...

My husband & I have been living separately since November (over his adultery), but not are legally separated, in part, because of the money-issues. I've not been employed since we decided to have children seven years ago! There's no cache of funds stowed safely some place for that "what if" day that I never thought would come! So in terms of the money, perhaps I'm in your shoes!! Like TerriDoodle brought up...don't count on child support/alimony when making plans for your housing/support. It's fine to say you know he would never do something evil like short Mazie on child support (if you can say that), but what is the reality of his substance abuse if you are at the point where you feel your marriage needs to end because of it. And while garnishing of wages is routine (in my state) for all child & spousal support payments, his maintaining a job plays a vital role in the reliability of that income!! If your DH is headed on a downward spiral that could lead to his getting fired, that is another something you really need to consider! Can any honorable intentions toward you & your daughter he might have be relied upon when/if his life is so unstable? Take the time to play out the scenario further than NOW before you make any rash decisions...

I wish you the very best of luck!! And don't forget to take care of you, too. Because Mazie will need her mommy now more than ever before!

[jrob281 1]

I agree with Kat! I just divorced in July. Our son was just over one year old when I filed. According to Friend of the Court (the one who determines visitation, custody and child support), a child cannot separate themselves from their primary caretaker emotionally until they reach roughly 3 or so years of age. you shouldn't have any problems with retaining custody.

[maziemommy 8]

Thanks so much everyone!

Anyone else have 2 cents, before D day?

[luluc 6]

Thanks so much everyone!

Anyone else have 2 cents, before D day?

Treat your Divorce as a business transaction. Really sounds odd but the more you can remove the emotion out of the equation - the better this will be for you. I am the only one of a close knit of 6 girl friends that has not been through a divorce - but have lived it w/all them as if it were mine...Be smart - Document, Document, Document. One friend never had a phone conversation w/her future EX w/out a bug in her cell phone to record the "chat". Another used her EX's (who refused to leave the family home) toothbrush as the toilet cleaner, she also took pens & broke them & placed in his dressed shirts to have the ink bleed (she was BRUTAL)....I got a whole lot more.

The one caution I would throw out is your daughter does have 2 parents. I think you will have a lifetime of hurt if you strip your daughters dad from her life. Granted he does have to get his s$%t together & should not have visitation w/out supervision - but as someone active in Fathers for Equal Rights, she can turn on you as an adult if she is completely isolated from him....Let her make the decision when she's old enough if he's someone she should be around - right now, your job is to protect her - guide her, teach her to make good decisions as she grows up.

If he's a shlub as the yrs go on, she'll have nothing to do w/him, and you can rest well it won't be because of what You did rather Him...

Good Luck~~

[maziemommy 8]

I -right now- always want him to be her parent... just ....not my husband.

I'm glad I've already worked through most of the pre-D bitterness. lol

Still time to post any other ideas/advice/experiences!!!!!???????????????

[MrsFlipFlops 2]

Having worked as a child abuse investigator, I have seen many divorces where a one parent used some type of substance. Rx addiction is very real and very serious. It puts your child's life at risk when they are with him. Given my background, I take substance abuse really seriously, since I don't know your particular situation, you'll have to edit and see if what I say helps at all! :Dancing_wub:

The court can order drug tests for him. If I were you, I would request that they be random with as little notice as possible- as there are many ways to clean your system. They are used way more often than people know. Especially with the thought of losing visitation with his child, it may be more and more tempting to find a way to beat the system.

[maziemommy 8]

Good advice..

In my -not so proud past- I too have passed tests, that I clearly should have failed... I have requested at my cost a "hair" test in advance. $140 I don't really have. But it may be her life saver. It sure can't hurt.

[TerriDoodle 6]

Keep in mind that hair tests will not detect or report Rx medications (I don't think). That's how my teen son got around it. (Thank goodness he's great now!) So if he's abusing Vicodin, I'm not sure that will get reported. I could be wrong.

[Kat817 19]

Wow! I never knew that about hair tests-------sounds like you need to do some calling and researching Kimberley, since you basically know what kind of Rx drugs he is doing, to find the most reliable test available for that. And be ready to prove he is not under prescription for what may be found.

Kat

[MrsFlipFlops 2]

The hair test will detect as long as they test for opiates. But- it's easy to get a bad reading with dying hair or stripping it. Or shaving it. The tests your request should test for at least five categories: opiates, benzos, thc, amphetamines, cocaine. Most testing places do a 13 panel (which all the more inclusive- just make sure his drug of choice is one of the ones covered) a lot of time people with opiate addictions make a quick jump to cocaine.

[TerriDoodle 6]

The hair test will detect as long as they test for opiates. But- it's easy to get a bad reading with dying hair or stripping it. Or shaving it.

...And don't forget ... you can always get hair from other places besides the head! :huh2:

[maziemommy 8]

Thank you ladies! I have let my attorney know what is suspected and known of using.. we will be checking for as much as possible. I told him about the big D in our therapy session Wed. Wish my daughter luck and peace. Thanks!