Slave To Food

bandofhope · March 28, 2008

I AM A SLAVE TO food AND IT IS KILLING ME. There is not other way for me to look at it. I am 5'2" and weigh 317 pounds, 44 years old. I have been dieting since I was a very young girl. I could not be embarrased, shamed, bought, ignored, insulted, praised, loved, hated, laughted at, begged, counseled or physically restricted enough to loose the weight or even more challenging... KEEP IT OFF. I barely have enough energy to clean my house or go to work. I have stopped going to church because I can barely walk throught the pews and my clothes don't fit. My once very erotic sex life is gone as is my ability to go slow dancing with my husband. I can't even sit in a restaurant booth to eat the food I have no business eating anyway. But, I can tell describe the orgasmic feeling I get when I eat food. Silky feeling of buttery delights and the way my heart races with anticipation when I place an order at a fast food restaurant. The times I have looked down and realized I had finished eating the food on my plate and didn't even realize it. I go to bed thinking of food and wake up thinking of food. I will get in the car and drive 5 miles and spend my last dime on a bag of spicy sweet doritios and an Original Coke. My body is so huge I rock back and forth when I walk. My husband, son and myself took my daughter to look at a prospective university she wants to go to and I couldn't even take the tour because I couldn't walk around campus for 45 minutes. So, this is my point-- and I say it to myself-- The condition of my life is miserable with no forseable change because I am a woman with some sense and fairly good mind but my longevity at this point is dependent on me... and I can't trust me alone to take care of myself. And with all of that being said, I can't belive I am even having second thoughts and wondering if I should be banded. I know I need help and I have got to do this for me. I have got to have help if I am ever going to lose weight and KEEP IT OFF. And, I have to quit the notion of being a "cheater" by being banded. I thank God for the minds that came up with this band because I know one thing.. if I could lose the weight and not gain it back, I wouldn't be typing here now. So, I am educating myself, going with my head and my soul on my decision to get banded and asking God to bless me with the will and a clear mind to stay on track. And, I will just believe that this is best for me... it is a wonderful relief to finally relax and know there is hope. I don't have to live like this the rest of my life.. I can't and I'm not. So, I look forward to hearing from each of you one here and yes,, I agree, I will miss the hell out of my favorite lover in the world... my food!

tinaf · March 28, 2008

I AM A SLAVE TO food AND IT IS KILLING ME. There is not other way for me to look at it. I am 5'2" and weigh 317 pounds, 44 years old. I have been dieting since I was a very young girl. I could not be embarrased, shamed, bought, ignored, insulted, praised, loved, hated, laughted at, begged, counseled or physically restricted enough to loose the weight or even more challenging... KEEP IT OFF. I barely have enough energy to clean my house or go to work. I have stopped going to church because I can barely walk throught the pews and my clothes don't fit. My once very erotic sex life is gone as is my ability to go slow dancing with my husband. I can't even sit in a restaurant booth to eat the food I have no business eating anyway. But, I can tell describe the orgasmic feeling I get when I eat food. Silky feeling of buttery delights and the way my heart races with anticipation when I place an order at a fast food restaurant. The times I have looked down and realized I had finished eating the food on my plate and didn't even realize it. I go to bed thinking of food and wake up thinking of food. I will get in the car and drive 5 miles and spend my last dime on a bag of spicy sweet doritios and an Original Coke. My body is so huge I rock back and forth when I walk. My husband, son and myself took my daughter to look at a prospective university she wants to go to and I couldn't even take the tour because I couldn't walk around campus for 45 minutes. So, this is my point-- and I say it to myself-- The condition of my life is miserable with no forseable change because I am a woman with some sense and fairly good mind but my longevity at this point is dependent on me... and I can't trust me alone to take care of myself. And with all of that being said, I can't belive I am even having second thoughts and wondering if I should be banded. I know I need help and I have got to do this for me. I have got to have help if I am ever going to lose weight and KEEP IT OFF. And, I have to quit the notion of being a "cheater" by being banded. I thank God for the minds that came up with this band because I know one thing.. if I could lose the weight and not gain it back, I wouldn't be typing here now. So, I am educating myself, going with my head and my soul on my decision to get banded and asking God to bless me with the will and a clear mind to stay on track. And, I will just believe that this is best for me... it is a wonderful relief to finally relax and know there is hope. I don't have to live like this the rest of my life.. I can't and I'm not. So, I look forward to hearing from each of you one here and yes,, I agree, I will miss the hell out of my favorite lover in the world... my food!

Wow..... I don't know exactly what to say -except for CONGRATULATIONS on doing something about it while you are young enough to ENJOY the rest of your life. It is hard when you look at is as giving up food (I think this mentality can actually lead to a grieving process)... just don't look at it that way. While it's true that in the first few weeks post surgery - you might feel like you have given up food - but look at this period as a sort of "detoxing of mind and body" to your old ways. Once you start getting restriction you are REQUIRED to monitor what you are putting in your body (i.e. healthy Protein, etc.)- don't go at it with disdain...embrace it as an opportunity to EXPLORE new/healthy foods that you may have not known existed before - (or simply just ate too quickly to simply enjoy what you had). It will take some time and some work, but it's well worth it.

Besides nothing tastes as good as being healthy, feeling better and fitting into clothes you never thought you'd see. Just keep that in mind.

Best of luck!

jena · March 28, 2008

I would recommend any of the early books by Geneen Roth. "Feeding The Hungry Heart", "Why Weight?", "Breaking Free From Emotional Eating", "When food is Love."

All of her books are directed towards compulsive overeating, much of the books cite her own experiences.

The books are not diets or diet plans, they force you to look inside yourself for the answers to why you are a compulsive eater.

Hope this helps!

celticdreamer · March 28, 2008

I understand where you're coming from. I really do. I, too, enjoy food more than I ought to. I'm guessing most people on this forum do.

I think seeing a therapist would help you tremendously. I'm doing the same thing right now. I want to be the cool person on the outside that I know I am on the inside and I know that I need to conquer my emotional eating before having my surgery.

When anyone has an addiction, no matter to what, overcoming it is a serious challenge but it can be done. And YOU can do it!

I'll keep you in my prayers. You have a lot of living to do. I hope you can find a way to do the things you want to do while still eating some of the foods you really enjoy.

Good luck to you!

Scarlett O'hara · March 28, 2008

BandofHope,

Your post went right to my heart. I am 39 and I feel so much like you do. A slave for food, thats me too. 5 3" and 270+ pounds. I will drive miles out of my way for food, and spend my last penny as well! My daughter goes to pre-school 3 1/2 days a week, and those days I hit the F.F. resturants and indulge myself with the fancy of the day. (lately foot long subway turkey, L, T, xtra pickles & black olives, mayo & oil-of course Diet Coke). If I don't stop this, in the fall when she is in kindergarten I can treat myself 5 days a week! How about when both kids are in school all day 5 days? I could do Breakfast AND lunch! This has to stop NOW for me. My weight is beginning to get in the way of my life and every year it gets worse. I can barely fit into resturant booths any more. My jeans that used to be baggy are now tight or don't fit at all. Im am officially in a size 24. I have a beautiful bicycle rotting in my garage. My house feels like it is getting smaller, when its me getting bigger. Getting around Disney World last summer was an embarresment. We are going again when my son is 4 and at this rate, I'll be riding a handicap scooter.

I was diagniosed with rhumetoid arthritis 5 years ago after the birth of my DD Sarah. Basically, I stopped physically moving except to take care of the kids. (had son Rhett 16 months ago). The Arthrits is only getting worse as the pounds pile on. I eat to soothe everything. Its the only thing I have left that is MINE.

after a year of considering the surgery and realizing I cannot fight this weight alone anymore and 6+ months of jumping thru hoops for my insurance company, I am having my lapband surgery on April 30. I know this is for me, I am at peace with my decision, and it's not cheating. From reading so many posts, this is hard, hard work! keep educating yourself, the more you read about it, the more you will want it! The pro's outweigh the con's a million to one!

Kelly