WHY? Do I hate myself so much?

[Mrs SmartyPants 0]

I guess the question is rhetorical, but I have found myself asking this every day for the past month or so.

I want to be thin. I really do. I just manage to find ways to sabotage myself EVERY SINGLE DAY.

For example, I am still eating crappy foods (at ONLY one meal/day - usually dinner) but still eating crap, nonetheless.

I am still eating TOO much, even when I'm not hungry. Granted, I'm eating a 90 calorie special K bar vs a Hershey bar, but still.

I'll keep forcing food even when I'm full. I think it's because I'm still eating too fast, but after this 3rd fill, it's like I'm getting stuck at every meal. Last night it was so bad, I actually threw up.

I keep eating and trying to force food - is that head hunger ? I mean, I know I should only be able to eat "THIS" much but then I get a slice of pizza in front of me and I force myself to eat until it's gone (then I feel physically sick and emotionally guilty)

I have only lost 18lbs since surgery date in Nov. - I'm just so upset about this.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Mrs SmartyPants

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I am so sorry you are having trouble. You may want to get a councelor to help you. When we get the surgery we think that our mind will change like the band forces our stomach to, but that is not the case. Sometimes we need help with that!

I don't think you hate yourself, I think you haven't dealt with the real reason why you over eat. It was something VERY hard for me to come to terms with and I had to get help. It is ok to ask for help.

I think you are really taking the first step by acknowlaging to yourself (and us) that you have a problem. Seek a support group or a therapist to help you. You don't have to do it on your own!

Good luck, and hugs to you! :wink2:

[Ang1982 4]

*big hug* I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of this right now. It seems like you realize you are making mistakes in choices, etc. So why not take a moment and sit down and write out a list of why you want to lose weight and how losing this weight could affect your life. Then when you are done with that list why not take a moment to write out a list of things you dislike and are unhappy with about your life that you feel is related to being overweight. Review your lists, maybe post them somewhere on your fridge (if you are comfortable doing so) as a reminder. Then take a deep breath and remember that the band is only a tool and will only work as good as you want it to and work with it to. Recommitt yourself to living the bandster lifestyle.

You can do this, you have already noted that you are making a mistake and not taking advantage of the fabulous tool you have inside you. "Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around". You can do it and we are here to help.

Perhaps read and print out the following which could help you get back on track:

Adjustments

How to Tell When You Are Perfectly Adjusted

You are losing 1-2 pounds per week.

If you are not losing 1-2 pounds per week:

A. You may need an eating adjustment

1. Are you eating 60 grams of Protein a day

2. Are you eating 25 grams of Fiber

3. Are you avoiding all liquid calories

a. Soup can be sign of "soft calorie syndrome"

b. Alcohol contains a lot of calories – 7 calories per gram

(1) It’s also a stomach irritant

c. fruit juice is just sugar Water

4. Are you making healthy food choices from a wide variety of

foods?

a. Are you avoiding soft foods

b. You can’t just eat what’s easy

c. cheese is glorified fat

5. Are you drinking 6-8 glasses of Water a day between meals

6. Are you eating too much junk

a. chips, chocolate, nuts, ice cream, Cookies and other highly

processed junk foods are too calorically dense to be regular parts of a

healthy diet. But don’t avoid them completely to the point where you

feel deprived.

b. Stay out of fast food places

7. Are you getting in two servings of Calcium daily

8. Do you always eat the Protein first

9. Then the vegetables or fruits

a. Five servings a day

b. Potatoes are NOT a vegetable

10. Is your portion size appropriate?

a. meat or fish

(1) 3 ounces – the size of a deck of cards

b. Vegetables

(1) ½ cup – the size of your fist

c. Starch

(1) If you eat the protein and the vegetables first you don’t need

much

(2) Avoid: rice, potatoes, Pasta

11. You might try avoiding artificial sweeteners

a. Some people think that artificial sweeteners stimulate the

appetite

b. They are HUNDREDS of times sweeter than sugar

c. They teach you to like things too sweet

d. There is no evidence that people who use them are any thinner

than people who don’t

12. Avoid most diet foods

a. Real food usually tastes better

b. Real food is more satisfying than low calorie substitutes

c. When you are only eating a tiny bit the caloric savings is not

that great

(1) Use a teaspoon of real butter instead of a tablespoon of diet

margarine

(2) The body has no way to break down artificial fats

a. They may go into permanent storage

b. Some people think liposuction is the only way to remove

hydrolyzed fats from the body

B. You may need a behavior adjustment

1. Are you eating only when you are hungry?

a. If you’re not sure drink 8 ounces of water and wait.

2. Are you eating three meals a day?

a. With maybe 1 or 2 small Snacks

3. Are you sitting down to eat?

4. Are you eating consciously?

a. No distractions, turn off the TV, put the book or newspaper

away, pay attention to your food and your companions

5. Are you eating slowly?

a. Put the fork down between bites

b. Take 20 to 30 minutes to finish a meal

c. Taking longer might cause the pouch to begin emptying

6. Are you taking small bites?

a. Tiny spoon, chopsticks, cocktail fork

7. Are you chewing well?

8. Are you drinking with your meals or too soon after your meals?

a. Practice water loading between meals

b. You won’t be thirsty if you are well hydrated before the meal

9. Are you stopping at the first sign of fullness?

a. Sometimes it’s a whisper: not hungry, had enough

b. Hard stop versus soft stop

10. Do not eat between meals. Stop grazing.

11. Do not eat when you are not hungry

C. You may need an activity adjustment

1. Are you getting in 30 minutes of physical activity at least 3

times a week?

a. Over and above what you would do in the usual course of your day

b. Could you make it 4 or 5 times a week?

c. Could you make it 45 or 60 minutes?

2. Are you taking advantage of opportunities to increase your

physical activity?

a. Taking the stairs instead of the elevators or escalators

b. Walking on the escalators instead of riding

c. Parking your car further away from the entrance

d. Getting out of the car instead of using the drive through

e. Getting off the bus one stop before your destination

f. Washing you car by hand instead of the car wash

g. Playing with your kids

D. You may need an attitude adjustment

1. Are you committed to your weight loss journey?

2. Are you totally honest with yourself about how much you are

eating and exercising?

a. Log your food and activity on ww.fitday.com for 3 days

3. Are you using food inappropriately to deal with emotional

issues?

a. Have you identified what the emotions are that drive your

eating?

b. Can you think of more appropriate ways to deal with those

emotions?

c. Are you willing to seek help from a qualified counselor?

4. Are you attending and participating in support group meetings?

5. Have you drummed up some support from your family and friends?

6. Have you dealt with saboteurs realistically?

7. Do you have realistic expectations about the weight loss

journey?

8. Are you still obsessing about food, weight, dieting, eating?

a. Obsessive – compulsive thoughts

(1) Obsess about something else

b. Perfectionism

(1) All or none, black and white thinking

c. Patience with the pace of healthy weight loss

9. Are you acknowledging your successes with non-food rewards?

10. Have you learned how to take a compliment?

11. Are you giving up diet mentality?

a. Stop weighing yourself several times a day or every day

b. Stop dieting

c. Stop depriving yourself

d. Stop defining food as "good" and "bad"

e. Stop rewarding and punishing yourself with food

12. How do you feel about all the changes taking place?

E. You may need a band adjustment

1. You feel like you are making healthy food choices in appropriate

portion sizes but getting hungry between meals?

2. You can still eat white bread, fibrous vegetables and large

portions.

3. You are having to struggle to lose

4. You are gaining weight in spite of eating right, exercising and

having a good mind set.

F. You may need your band loosened

1. There are times when you can’t get fluids down

2. You are vomiting too much

a. How much is too much?

3. Do you have frequent reflux or heartburn at night?

a. Do not lie flat or bend over soon after eating

b. Do not eat late at night or just before bedtime

c. Rinse your pouch with a glass or water an hour before bedtime

d. Certain foods or drinks are more likely to cause reflux:

(1) Rich, spicy, fatty and fried foods

(2) Chocolate

(3) Caffeine

(4) Alcohol

(5) Some fruits and vegetables

a. Oranges, lemons, tomatoes, peppers

(6) Peppermint

a. Baking soda toothpaste

(7) Carbonated drinks

e. Eat slowly and do not eat big meals

f. If you smoke, quit smoking

g. Reduce stress

h. Exercise promotes digestion

i. Raise the head of your bed

j. Wear loose fitting clothing around your waist

k. Stress increases reflux

l. Take estrogen containing medications in the morning

m. Avoid aspirin, Aleve and ibuprofen at bedtime

(1) Tylenol is OK

n. Take an antacid (Pepcid complete) before retiring

o. Try other over-the-counter heartburn medications

p. See your health care provider

4. See your health care provider immediately (or call 911) if

a. You have a squeezing, tightness or heaviness in your chest,

especially if the discomfort spreads to your shoulder, arm or jaw or is

accompanied by shortness of breath, sweating, irregular or fast

heartbeat or nausea. These could be symptoms of a heart attack.

b. If your symptoms are triggered by exercise.

c. If your pain localizes to your right side, especially if you

also have nausea or fever

d. If you throw up vomit that looks like black sand or coffee

grounds. Or if your stool is black, deep red or looks like it has tar

in it. These are symptoms of bleeding and need immediate attention.

(Note: Pepto-Bismol or other medications with bismuth will turn your

stool black. Iron supplements can also make the stool tarry.)

e. If your pain is severe

This was written by

Jessie H. Ahroni, Ph.D., A.R.N.P., C.D.E., B.C.-A.D.M.

[kbinaz 0]

I agree with everything said above and want you to know that I struggle with alot of the same issues. It is an ongoing battle, a marathon not a sprint. You just need to wake up every morning and recommit to doing this and eventually you will be able to slay those demons (probably never totally) and have more good days than bad. We are never going to be perfect at this. We can just keep trying and getting up every time we slip.

[rharriet62 0]

The BONUS is that you KNOW you are sabotaging yourself!!! When you are eating the bad foods at night or overeating, that is the time to stop and ask WHAT AM I FEELING RIGHT NOW? Think about your goals. Have your meal to your comfort level and say, "I'm going to set this down and will eat it when I'm hungry again." Now, that is NOT easy, but it is one way I manage myself when I catch myself eating crap I don't need to eat. There is some comfort knowing it's there for later and about 95% of the time, I don't eat it later. I also think some counseling would be great (not just because I'm a counselor!) but I think there is a FEAR of losing weight and size. There was for me and sometimes it still flares up! Also, give yourself a break! You just got banded (from my view of over 3.5 years) and there is LOTS to learn. Some of it will just work itself out and some of it is learned the hard way. Get some help. It won't be forever. You'd be surprised how much 6-8 sessions can help you!

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

I keep recommending this book in a lot of threads. It's called the Beck Diet

Solution. It's not a diet. It teaches you how to not sabotage yourself.

It's really helped me a lot. I got it on Amazon for $9

[Lori Ann 0]

Please whatever you decide....get some help somewhere. Counselors that are trained in that area have so much to offer you....you really need to get to the root cause and then you will be able to you your tool.....believe me. You answered your own questions, by saying you don't know why you do it....therefore it's time to let someone help you understand that has expertise in that area. All of the other things mentioned in this thread will be of great help once you understand why you are doing what you are doing. I had the same problem and I had to join a support group. Believe me, you don't hate yourself, you hate your behavior.

Love ya!!

[lucysmom 0]

I, too, struggle daily with loving myself enough to avoid crap. I do my best to remember that 1. I am taking in a lot less food that I did before surgery. 2. I am exercising 3. I need to work at this one day at a time 4. Some days are better than others. 5. having a 'bad' day doesn't make me a 'bad' person 6. I'm learning and this won't come overnight. I have a great support system with people who help me have a realistic picture of what I'm doing right and what I need to look at. I'm recovering from other addictions and know that the recovery process for those took time and many baby steps put back to back. I didin't make a giant leap forward with those addictions and I need to be kind to myself about being new at this. It's been just over 90 days that I've been banded and when I compare my thinking, eating, exercising with what it was 4-5 months ago, I see that I've made great progress, actually. I just have to watch out for that part of me that is uncomfortable with success - she feeds me toxic messages sometimes.

I appreciate your openess and willingness to admit that the committment isn't there every day. My guess is that you'll find that you are making progress, however slight it might feel.

12/6/07

299/285/255/?

High/surgery/now/goal

[general_antiope 189]

Smarty, I'm having the same issue. 3.5 years of banding and I've lost almost 100 lbs out of 150 I need to lose. Every day I get up with a plan, and I"m good on the plan until dinner. Most of my issue is the conscious eating...I'm so tired at the end of the day I eat easy foods in front of the TV.

That long list of questions has helped a lot. I'm going to recommit and see how not eating the easy foods, and watch how I do.

Keep trying. :embaressed_smile:

[shortgal 5]

I believe our eyes send a signal to your brain. Our eyes look at the amount of food on our plate ( much less hopefully than before banding) and convinces our brain that it could not possibly be enough food to sustain us, so we eat more. If we don't eat it a lot right away, we just eat a little more later, still convinced we haven't had enough.

That is why it is recommended you use a smaller plate. It fools our eye and brain that there is more food than we think there is.

Can I suggest you try this? Put a weight watchers portion of solid Protein on your plate ( assuming you are at that stage of eating) with a small serving of one or two veggies. Eat very slowly, chew well and then stop. don;t drink with this meal and don't drink for one hour. During or at the end of the hour, evaluate your hunger. Really ask yourself how hungry you are. If you truly believe you are hungry, drink at least 12 oz of Water, also slowly, first. Wait ten mins and Then evaluate your hunger again. If you still think you are hungry, have that 90 calorie bar, but you must count it in your calories for the day.

It takes time for our head, eyes, brain and stomach to all catch up to each other. I struggle with this too, but I have found the above method has helped me to change my brain about how much food by body should be satisifed with, at least more days than it did before.

Slowing the eating down is an essential part of this. It will get easier, if you keep practicing.

[TulipStar 2]

I know how you feel. Most of us have some reason emotionally why we eat to stuff our feelings. Instead of feeding yourself, "feel" yourself and ask how you are feeling. Be nice to yourself. I would seek out counseling with someone who has experience in eating disorders. I did and it has helped me tremendously!

[cori in wa 0]

So many others have given you great advice. Just wanted to wish you a bit of encouragement and to cheer you on.

You CAN do this!!!!

[Mrs SmartyPants 0]

OMG! I just found this thread again (I apologize for not replying sooner) and wanted to thank all of you for your replies.

I ordered the Beck Diet Solution book - and plan to start "day 1" today.

I think part of my frustration comes from the fact that I'm losing so slowly, so it's hard to stay motivated.

I also hate the guilt associated with eating the wrong things... it's like I'll pick up the slice of pizza, and as I'm eating it I'm telling myself this is "bad" yet I can't seem to make myself put it down (I know Beck addresses this)

I just wanted to come back and thank all of you :puke:

[make33 2]

One of the very hardest things I've had to do with the Band is to learn to throw food away. Man, that's tough...

I'll take a certain amount for lunch and feel I have to eat everything in the container (that's why I bought special small containers)--but now I make sure I leave some every day to be thrown away.

I think as I lose weight I think it's a get-out-of-jail free card to allow me to eat chocolate and chips and dip again. So I end up kicking myself in the rear and start again the next day.

You know, every morning is a new start for ourselves--and I take advantage of it. Don't look back, only forward...

[juliegeraci 7]

I am glad you are feeling better. We are hear to support you. We all have food and body issues so we are no different. Just try and remember how miserable you were at your highest weight and why you elected to have this surgery. You can do it. Good luck.