Lap Band Surgery & Divorce or Happily Married Ever More?

[Sooner 0]

My endocrinologist recommenced a lap band surgery and gave me the name of a surgeon he recommended. I attended a seminar, presented by the surgeon, have done an extensive review of the medical research related to lap bands, and scheduled my first appointment with the surgeon.

I have multiple medical problems that may be "fixed" by weight loss including diabetes, high blood pressure, GERD, and sleep apnea. I am really excited about having the surgery - especially after reading the medical studies. My problem: my husband is hugely against me having the surgery.

We have had a very difficult time since I brought the subject up - he has been angry, had temper tantrums, sulked, and pleaded (of course I have been a perfect angel in the midst of all this angst) that I not have the surgery. His argument? I should have the self control to go on and stay on a lifetime diet, the surgery is dangerous, and he has a bad feeling that I will die as a result of the surgery or get one of those antibiotic-resistant infections.

I convinced him to attend the seminar with me (he showed up an hour late for a 2 hour class) and gave him a dozen medical journal articles of controlled studies (all very positive about the surgery in their final analysis) to no avail.

I need help, suggestions, ideas, etc. I am determined to have the surgery but need support from my significant other!

P.S.: We have been married for 36 (mostly) happy years and he is also significantly overweight with multiple health problems. :drool:

[COSkinnyGirl 0]

If I had to guess I would say he is afraid. Not of you dying, but of you losing weight and leaving him behind, particularly if he is also significantly overweight. Have you gone to any of the support group meetings? I have not yet been banded, but have been to one of the support meetings and it was great. Everyone was open and friendly and the experience re-inforced that I am doing the right thing. Would he be open to going to one with you?

[shortgal 5]

If he is overweight and has medical problems, ask why he doesn't follow his own advice of life long dieting? Tell him, he's right and you both need to diet together. so start one together and I'll bet he cheats first. That's when you can explain to him, that you know you need the help of the band. That just like he couldn;t stay on the diet, neither can you. I'm sure you've tried that many times anyway.

He just hasn't reached his own "lightbulb moment".

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Hello Sooner.

I am so sorry that you're dealing with this lack of support from your husband. I would agree with those who say that he's scared -- not of you experiencing complications from surgery, but of you changing while he stays the same. If you are both significantly overweight with multiple health problems, then he doesn't have to look too closely at himself. He can always say, well, at least I'm not the only one, she has problems too. We're in it together. But if you start losing weight and get your health issues under control, then that will force him to take a look at his own health.

I am sure that you have been on countless diets like many of us have. And it's not as though you decided out of the blue to have lapband; you had a doctor recommend it and you have been learning more about it. So it sounds as though you are going into this with your eyes open and with the understanding of what it entails, not making a snap decision.

I think you should say that you understand his concerns, but you have carefully thought this through and decided that it is what you have to do for your own well-being. He doesn't have to like it, but you would appreciate his support and his attempt to see it from your point of view. Support groups, if you can get him to go to one, would be very helpful. That way he could see/hear what other spouses experience. You might also consider counseling.

It is very hard to contemplate doing something this life-changing without the support of your SO. But at the same time, it is your life. You should not hold back from doing what you think is best for yourself. You have been married a long time and I am sure that during those years, you have weathered many storms and made it through to the other side. I hope that you can make it through this, as well. Good luck!

[Marimaru 7]

Does your husband have any vice other than food? Alcohol perhaps? When my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I were talking about his beer habit, he was trying to explain that having a few beers after work really relaxed him and made him enjoy his evening more. I basically said "Pint of beer for you, pint of ice cream for me", and explained that munching does the same thing for me. It gave him a LITTLE better understanding for what I was going through. I really, truly think that this can only be explained to someone who has a vice that they deal with.

We also went through a period shortly post op where we were fighting a lot and have a lot of issues. I sat him down and said "we can't keep doing this, you have to tell me what is going on". It came out that he was scared that I was going to leave him. I said "You moved away from your family to be with me. I am scared out of my mind that one day YOU will decide to leave and go back home". His eyes got real big, and we've been great ever since (and after that got engaged and married). I recognize that the 6 years I've been with him and 6 months I've been married doesn't compare to your 36 years (congratulations!), but I hope some of what I said helps.

[jclang 0]

I am having the same problem. But my husband doesn't have a weight problem. He is dead set against me having the surgery and when we went to see the surgen and dietisian he only came out feeling stronger about it. He says that if you have to change your eatting habits and exercise anyways then why have the surgery. I can't talk him into it. I'm holding strong but feel a bit of guilt about it too. I don't want to do something he is unhappy with but I want to do this for me too. Good luck with yours

[MacMadame 81]

He says that if you have to change your eatting habits and exercise anyways then why have the surgery.

Because dieting doesn't work and WLS does.

I would ask your husband why he thinks you will be one of the 2-5% who is able to lose significant weight and keep it off for at least 5 years particularly as you never have managed before. Ask him what is different now?

It's really not logical to keep doing what doesn't work over and over and maybe you can make him see that if you phrase it the right way.

[gkeyt 0]

One of my instructors recently repeated some old wise wisdom to our class:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!

That's why (in a nutshell) a lot of us end up going this route. The old way wasn't working. It works for some people and that's great, but the statistics do show that 95% of people who lose a significant amount of weight regain it all. In the end I just didn't have the energy to do it anymore, and I didn't want the toll it would take on my body to keep that up any longer.

But, all that said, there are some common reasons that spouses seem unsupportive or even angry over our WLS. The most common one, I think, is that they are scared that something will happen to us in surgery. Others include:

• afraid you will leave them after you lose weight
  
• they have their own weight (or other) problems that they might have to face
  
• they enjoyed eating together the way you always have, and don't want that to change
  
• they didn't know what to say to be supportive
  
• they don't want you to think they didn't love you when you were fat
  
• they don't know what will change about your future life together
  
• they don't want the surgery to fail and see you disappointed

I'm sure there are lots of others, but those are the ones I've seen the most. My husband went through most of them too. Once I got through surgery without any problems, he was great. And he's been extremely supportive, especially since he's seen how my life and my health have improved so much since I've lost weight. There is a lot of insecurity and fear. The only thing to do is talk to him and try to make him see why you are doing this (for yourself and for those you love) and just wait it out. He'll come around when he sees you are healthier and you are still there.

It's hard, though. Good luck, keep coming here for support in the meanwhile, and try to help him through this. He's going through the surgery as much as you are, it will affect him almost as much, so just remember that. And if it's something that would benefit him too, later, maybe he'll make that choice when he sees it work for you!

[JohnC 31]

My wife was dead set against the lapband when I first brought it up to her,( by the way her BMI is probably as high as mine with as many co-morbidities) but after her doing a lot of research on the web, she's done a 180. She surprised me the other day when she told me that if everything goes well with my surgery & weight loss that she might consider having it done herself. There's a chance your DH may look at it differently after getting used to the idea. JohnC

[newlyfe 0]

I went through the same thing with my husband. His main concern was the price because we had to pay for it. He felt the time was not right because of the economy. I told him we are promised today only and god decides the rest. I found support from family and friends. He even told he would not be for me on my surgery date. I prayed for him and his mindset. Guess what, he did not take to the hospital but he was there when I woke up. Good luck!