I've had my moment

[bandpal 7]

I want to share something with you. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I used to make my self throw up after eating too much. I don't know if I qualified as borderline bulimic (I certainly lacked the appropriate physique), but it was something that I'd do fairly often.

One night (I don't recall the exact circumstances – whether I choked on something coming back up, or caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror or whatever) I had a rare moment of clarity. I felt myself decide that I was done making myself throw up. I'm not talking about an intellectual resolution. I knew all about those. Overeating was wrong, after all. I was ruining my social life. I was causing my parents grief. Of course I'd stop. Right now. It made such good sense.

We all know for how long those decisions last. But in that moment in my parents' bathroom I experienced a meeting of mind, body and soul such as which I had never known before. I just didn't want to do it any more. What ever I got out of doing it just wasn't worth it any more. And I have never made myself throw up after bingeing since.

Ever since then (actually, for some good while before then, as well) I have been waiting for another moment like that – a moment which would lead me to walk away from overeating. Years of pain, guilt, anger and humiliation came and went. Divorce and failed jobs came and went. Weightwatchers, OA, Atkins, self help books, therapists, dieticians, came and went. But my moment never came.

Once again, I don't remember the circumstances. But time after time in the past month, three months after having been banded and one month after my first fill, I have walked away from bingeing. Not because my cholesterol is high, not because there's diabetes in the family, not because I don't want to leave my four young children fatherless – but because I just don't want to do it any more.

I think the physical consequences of bingeing with the band played a big role in bringing me to where I am now. I don't want to slime, don't want to hiccup endlessly, don't want to feel masticated food rise in my throat, don't want to feel that awful "stuck" feeling and know that what seems like the most natural impulse – washing it all down with a cup of Water – will only make it worse. I just don't want to do it any more.

I won't say I've stopped completely – that I've never binged on things that are easy to swallow or chewed relentlessly on things that aren't, but it's happening less and less often. And when it does, the slower rate at which I now eat and the quicker rate that I fill up at make it harder to binge, and the thoughts which come to me – how I paid for this operation, how people are counting on me to succeed, and how hard I have worked along the way – make it harder still.

So more and more, I walk away. I drink Water. I go to sleep. I phone a friend. I take a walk. I drink some more water. Because I've had my moment. Bingeing just isn't worth it any more. I just don't want to do it anymore.

[travelgirl 3]

Beautifully said, Bandpal!

[lizzie_07 0]

I agree, beautifully said. I can also completely relate to everything you said. For me, this band was more than about losing weight. It was about regaining control of my binging and purging. Bulemia was a last ditch effort for me that started almost 2 years ago. I thought I had control over it and could stop, but just like the binge eating, I began to lose control over the purging as well. I knew deep down this band would change my life; it would make it so that I could not purge multiple times a day because it would hurt the band, and it would force me to eat smaller meals which made me feel less guilty and less likely to want to purge in the first place. This is all a learning process for me and like you, I can feel the wonders of this surgery. Since having the surgery, I have not forced myself to purge once. The binge eating has been a little more of a struggle, but as time goes on I've been learning how to say no to extra food (the negative feelings felt when I overeat definitely helps).

[Momto1plus1 0]

Wow!!! You should be so proud of yourself. Look at the progress you have made on YOU in such a short time. :blushing:

[Foofy 0]

Bandpal,

I can totally relate to waiting for that moment of clarity. My father had a massive heart attack when I was 14 (he was 40). I was the only one home when it happened. He died while the ambulance was pulling up in the driveway. The good news is that they shocked him back to life and he recovered, changed his lifestyle, and is now 76 years old and (since age 55) has been retired and has devoted his entire life to wind surfing. It's possible that he will out live me.

Anyway, the BAD news is that (after witnessing my father's rescue and ressurection) I developed an inflated belief in the capabilities of medicine (if you got to the ambulance - you were saved) and I believed everyone got a second chance. For 30 years, I ignored all warnings, waiting for a higher power to send me the "REAL" warning. After which time, I reasoned, I would clean up my act and get my second shot at life.

You'd think that high BP, type II diabetes, morbid obesity, etc. would have been enough of a warning - but I just didn't see it that way. Then, one night, I realized that not only was it possible that I would not get my "second chance" but it dawned on me that I was WASTING valuable years that I was NOT GOING TO GET BACK. Damn it!!! I don't know why that thought hit me so strongly, but it was enough to get me to go to my doctor and demand the band.

Now I try to see every day as a new beginning and know that I am doing my best to make the most of whatever time I have left. I hope that's a long, long time, but one never knows. I want to make the most of whatever I get.

[hollyberries 2]

Way to go Bandpal! You are a much different person now and I think that you know that. That was your security blanket, something that you had control over that no else does. You are in control now and you have taken control over your life with your decision to put that tool inside you. Good for you! You deserve this self realization, this epiphemy (sp?). Shine! You have a lot to offer.

Cindy

[Kristin1031 0]

Congratulations Bandpal on taking control......It feels wonderful to finally be in control over something that has so controlled all of us for such a very long time. I am proud of you as you should be of yourself!!

Hugz

[zacberm 0]

hey bandpal

I loved your post.

I've realized I too have had a problem with overeating and purging. I don't think anyone in my family has realized it though. It's good to be able to share it. Haven't done it for awhile especially now since the band. I'm really trying to take control of my eating and take control of my head which is the main cause of my overeating. I just try to stop and think before I put anything in my mouth.

I also have to be a good example for my children. I don't want them to grow up with this problem. But if they do I want them to see how you can overcome it and control it.

thanks again for your courage!