Dating, geez, HELP.

Angelica · March 6, 2008

Oh men.

I have been fat all my life, and it has (in my opinion) really hurting my romantic life because I am AFRAID of being rejected, or being treated like the desperate fat girl, so I just stay away from men entirely.

I just sort of let the idea go, of being the girl that men wanted, I became the funny girl that hung around all the guys. The best friend you'll never want to date.

Now, here I am, on my way to being skinny, and I realize, I am LONELY. Its hard, all of the sudden, now that I am only semi invisible to men, its hard seeing them look at me. I am scared shitless of men. I dont know how to talk to them without instantly turning it into a friendship thing. I dont know how to act around them, and to make matters worse, my friend told me that I should 'dumb' myself down a little bit, because apparently, I'm intimidating?! When have I ever been intimidating!

I have a group of male bestfriends, and when they are single, I look after them, wax their brows, help them pick out clothes, things like that, it really freaked me out last night when I realized that all of these friends, they are sort of like pseudo boyfriends. I want a REAL one. I just have no idea how to meet men, none of my male friends will set me up with anyone they know, because they all have this protective big brother syndrom. I have a few female friends, but they seem to be in the same boat as I am.

I am so frustrated with myself. So, how does one go about meeting men, I am 26, a professional, I think pretty smart, and pretty funny. It shouldnt be THAT hard, right?

-A

:thumbup:

VegasGrace · March 6, 2008

Just remember you will still be you after you lose the weight.

Any notions you have will still be with you.

Be true to yourself.

IF and this is the IF...if a man would have fallen for you...he would have fallen for you...thin or fat.

Remember, it just wasn't meant to be...don't blame your size as a reason you didn't have a relationship.

And when you become thin, if you enter a relationship....that's wonderful. But if you don't....it's not time yet. The Lord has something special in store for you.

And as much as you push/pull and try to make things happen....if it's not in the Lord's plan...you are just wasting your time.

This all coming from a woman who is still single at 38. Not dated in 10 years. I always thought it was because I was ugly and have a horrible personality.

But I've been told that men perceive me to be married because I'm so pretty.

hahahah.... but life is too short to worry about relationships.

As soon as my daughter goes off to college, I'm climbing Mt Everest....no, don't plan on going but a few feet up and turning around...but at least I can say I did it!

theatreprincess · March 8, 2008

As the extrovert that's always dated, whether I was a size 6, a size 16, or a size 26, I've learned a few things.

MEN DON'T CARE!!!!

They want one thing, and that's a confident, happy person to spend time with. I know that personally, I used my weight to hide behind, and instead of going out to meet guys, I would hide at home with Ben and Jerry's and blame societal ideals for my loneliness rather than my crippling fear of actually caring for someone.

Can you look in the mirror and say in all honesty and truthfulness that you love yourself? Because if you can't love yourself, there's no way in heck you'll ever be able to love someone else, or, more importantly, let someone love you.

I agree with the fact that the man who's going to love you is going to love you regardless of what size you are. I know that in my case, I was always the one with the problems about it. If they want to be with a person whose main selling point is that they're skinny, what does that say about the man who's going for them.

Be open to experiences. And figure out why you love yourself. Because I guarantee that the reasons why you love yourself are the same reasons someone else is going to love. Figure those out, and you'll be set.

Oh, and happy hunting :lol:

Bergdorfblonde · March 8, 2008

Angelica, you are a beautiful girl inside and out. Its always scary going into relationships because the other person has the power to reject you and hurt you, and nobody likes to be rejected. However, you are never going to get anywhere unless you try. There are women out there who are much larger than you and they have boyfriends. Not every man likes chubby girls. You don't need those men. You need a man who will appreciate you for exactly who you are. I understand what your friends mean when they say dumb down. They are not saying to act dumb, but guys like it when they can tell stupid jokes and the girl laughs at them. Sometimes guys like to take the lead and just knock your socks off impressing you. You should go out and get a haircut and a makeover. Buy some new clothes whatever size you are. Then get out there. Dont use your weight as an excuse. My size 2 friends get rejected by men they like all the time. It sucks no matter what size you are! Just keep at it. When guy reject you, realize they are not "all that" in the first place and you will end up with someone better looking than them. Just put yourself out there, don't be afraid and have a good time. Love yourself exactly the way you are right now, try to look your best, and you will get a boyfriend. I promise!

Oh men.
I have been fat all my life, and it has (in my opinion) really hurting my romantic life because I am AFRAID of being rejected, or being treated like the desperate fat girl, so I just stay away from men entirely.

I just sort of let the idea go, of being the girl that men wanted, I became the funny girl that hung around all the guys. The best friend you'll never want to date.

Now, here I am, on my way to being skinny, and I realize, I am LONELY. Its hard, all of the sudden, now that I am only semi invisible to men, its hard seeing them look at me. I am scared shitless of men. I dont know how to talk to them without instantly turning it into a friendship thing. I dont know how to act around them, and to make matters worse, my friend told me that I should 'dumb' myself down a little bit, because apparently, I'm intimidating?! When have I ever been intimidating!

I have a group of male bestfriends, and when they are single, I look after them, wax their brows, help them pick out clothes, things like that, it really freaked me out last night when I realized that all of these friends, they are sort of like pseudo boyfriends. I want a REAL one. I just have no idea how to meet men, none of my male friends will set me up with anyone they know, because they all have this protective big brother syndrom. I have a few female friends, but they seem to be in the same boat as I am.

I am so frustrated with myself. So, how does one go about meeting men, I am 26, a professional, I think pretty smart, and pretty funny. It shouldnt be THAT hard, right?

-A

misspeesh95621 · March 8, 2008

Hey I just posted this last night to my blog, and I thought that it may be relevant to you....you see we are the same age with similar issues and I too am of the same mind set. Perhaps reading my musings on the subject might help you fell not so alone in this. I know reading yours helped me.

So far my blogging have been mostly fact based. I haven't really delved into the mental aspect of all of this except slightly the night before surgery. In that blog I touched on my fear and mistrust of this anticipated new body.

Well I feel like it is high time I elaborated.

In my fight to love myself, weight, health included, I had to accept myself for any and all strengths and weaknesses. I would like to add that way before I decided to have this surgery I came to terms with my body and loved me for me. I can honestly say that I made this decision strictly to better my health. What I didn't count on was what the realities of loosing a hundredish or so pounds might do to me mentally....

As I pushed forward to the surgery, it occurs to me that relationships are going to change, specifically with men..... and it scares the hell out of me.

Here is why. I truly believe that I have so very much to offer, and I am pretty, and damn it people like me, and if you didn't fuck off....lol I had no patience for someone who didn't like me because I am a big girl. I have been lucky enough to have loved and been loved as a big girl.

Maybe my weight was a deterrent, saving me from superficial ass holes, perhaps it was a hurdle they had to overcome and love me despite my weight. Whatever it was it was there and it was my safety net.

Ergo my fear...my safety net will be gone. I will no longer be able to trust a mans intentions without it....

Specifically, If there is someone in my life now, totally not interested in me (I can only assume cause of my weight as it is the only variably changing) and then once I loose most of my weight, suddenly is interested? How can I trust that? I will always doubt? Or what about some new person I meet as smaller me? Would he have liked me as big me? Would I always doubt him?

Now I am obviously single, and this scares the hell out of me. Not the single part but the trust part.

Here comes the divulging. Recently I have begun to talk to a guy of my past. I was scared to tell him about my surgery prior to seeing him again, for fear of him adding hundreds of pounds to his fleeting memories of me. I never saw him prior to my surgery. He was the only one who I did not tell on purpose, and I hated that. So I waited for him to ask me for details of my surgery. Then I told him. His answer was perfect..."Good for you. Your health is important!" (Did he get that from the World's Best Answers Book?)

Needless to say we have continued to talk. Where this goes is to be determined, but it has helped me transition my head around transitioning into my new body. He has helped me see that my potential insecurities are unfounded. A good man is just that a good man. Their sincerity is what shines through. That in and of itself will be the proof for me. I don't need my self made walls for someone to climb over. I just need to believe in me.

Sounds corny, but the moral of the story kids is to believe in yourself. Peesh are you listening?

p.s. no I do not believe that my weight will be the only variable changing, any longer.....

tifferoni326 · March 10, 2008

Ok so first off..NEVER EVER dumb yourself down..I mean do you want a man that isnt comfortable with your intelligence? I get told all the time that I should do this and I refuse..end of story..If they are that easily intmidated by a girl w brains, then tell them to go back to the middle ages, when girls were just there to bake and look at!!

As to the other thing..go outside of your circle. All of your friends prob have you calssified as a friend and this puts you on a untouchable status...go out with people you wouldnt normally, Im not talking about people u dont know, just the ones you dont know as well.

As Ive lost weight Ive had guys start to take a interest in me..for example, this one guy who I had a crush on for over a year..we were great friends. We went to the movies together and hung out alot..but we never crssed beyond friendship...but when i lost weight, we did. Its not that he wasnt interested in me fat, bc we were seriously really good friends and if my weight bothered him he wouldnt have hung out as much..its like he saw me as a girl w the potential to b a gf. Like it didnt cross his mind b4 or something...And honestly I didnt take offense to this, bc all my life Ive used my weight as a shield against being hurt..so can the world help it if they see a shield b4 a girl.

Also, talking about guys you meet or date around other people makes others see you as avalible and might click w your guy friends

marineliebe · April 17, 2008

yea the whole dating thing is hard. i recently broke up with my long term bf and i got very heavy while i was with him. i gained about 80lbs total in a year and a half. now that i broke up with him i feel like no one will want me because i am at the heavyest i have ever been. and i feel uncomfortable in my body. i feel like i'm putting my love life on hold until i lose all the weight. i'm afraid of being hurt and i honestly feel like no one will want me while i look this way.

Bergdorfblonde · April 17, 2008

I think a lot of us gained weight in bad relationships. The thing is, you are the same girl you were 80 pounds ago. Your are just as pretty, just as smart, just as cool and have the same personality. Yes, your jeans might have a plus size tag inside, but you are still you. And you are a special girl no matter what you weigh.

There will always be ppl who weigh more than you and ppl who weigh less. Dont put off life or dating until you lose weight. Lose weight, it will make you feel good. But start loving yourself and treating yourself like a creature unlike any other right this second. Go buy some clothes that fit you, some cute jewelry, a new bag, get a trendy haircut, put on some makeup and get manis and pedis.

You are gorgeous and special right now, this second without losing a pound. Then, as you start loving yourself and becoming more confident, the weight will come off. Believe me. I only lost 32 pounds so far and there is such a difference in my self esteem. I am not thin by any stretch of the imagination. But I loved myself 32 pounds ago and thought I was the same gorgeous, cool, interesting girl that I am.

Love yourself and treat yourself like gold this very second! Honestly I am getting more men then I was 32 pounds ago, but I dated plenty back then too. Plenty of guys love curvy women. Just get out there and live life to the fullest again:)

yea the whole dating thing is hard. i recently broke up with my long term bf and i got very heavy while i was with him. i gained about 80lbs total in a year and a half. now that i broke up with him i feel like no one will want me because i am at the heavyest i have ever been. and i feel uncomfortable in my body. i feel like i'm putting my love life on hold until i lose all the weight. i'm afraid of being hurt and i honestly feel like no one will want me while i look this way.

neveragain · April 17, 2008

Okay, from a guy's point of view:

DON'T DUMB YOURSELF DOWN. For the love of god, if you want a guy who is intelligent, don't do that. Not ever. For me, at least, people of any sex who are dumb are remarkably annoying. haha.

If you're looking for a good guy, don't change yourself. Confidence is good, cockiness is bad. Find a guy who has a similar taste in humor. Don't take your standards down. If you're looking for a guy who has a certain quality, don't ignore it. Remember, this is important to you. Find the guy with a little ambition in his life. You get the point... Find the important things you're looking for and find them.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I know everything and I'm like every guy out there, but I will tell you that I am MUCH more likely to be attracted to a girl who is willing to put herself out there socially and be confident than someone who sits in the corner and keeps to herself. I'm not talking about a girl who is the life of the party because that's too much, but someone who can keep an interesting conversation going.

I'm sorry, I'm sure you know all this, but the subject matter came up. I figured I'd toss in my two cents.

titania · April 21, 2008

I am a lesbian and I feel your pain. I have never really dated b/c I don't feel pretty. I end up meeting women and just becoming good friends with them. I am the only fat girl amongst my friends. I'm excited at the idea of being at a weight that will help me feel more confidant, but am also freaking because I don't have girlfriend experience.

betttybboop · April 21, 2008

I am a 27 year old, professional, smart, funny and newly engaged, overweight woman. I think you're approaching this ALL wrong.

First off, you are a commodity! You aren't just sitting around waiting to be picked, hoping not to be last, this isn't dodgeball in elementary school! You are exactly what men are looking for! Do you know how hard it is to find a funny, lighthearted, successful, beautiful woman that's open to love in this world? Take a look around and rate a few of the woman you know... I bet you'll find that you have a lot more to offer than most of them. WORK IT! Be proud of it! Flaunt it!!!

I personally attribute a large part of my personality to being overweight and I feel it's helped me throughout my life. It's built my career, my social circle, and my personal relationships. I'm so happy and proud to have gone through what I have with my weight and developed into the person I am today.

I used to go out for a night on the town with friends and claim that I could "steal" away men that would come talk to us. Yes, the skinny girls would reel them in, but time and time again, my personality proved more enticing to these men than anyone else I was with.... why? Because men don't want a run of the mill woman. My dad always used to say to me, "why do you want to be skinny? Skinny girls are a dime a dozen?" haha... I don't know why, but it stuck with me...

Anywho, a million people can tell you to be proud of yourself, and be confident, but it's going to come from you. Nothing we say will change that. Consider though, people like Star Jones, Delta Burke, Ricki Lake, Anna Nicole Smith, Liv Tyler, Tyra Banks (now, not before), Oprah, and all of the other women who have battled weight for so long yet managed to remain successful and in healthy relationships. LET IT GO... fat isn't your only attribute - never has been, never will be.

The next time yo go out, pretend you're someone else for the evening and play the character... pretend you're Marilyn Monroe for the whole night and act like her. You might be suprised at the response you receive... sometimes we have to pretend to be someone else, to understand who we are on the inside....

whatsarahsaid · June 4, 2008

Hey ladies and gents ;-p

I don't know if I agree with the idea that its possible for everyone to stop hiding behind weight and be a confident, sexy woman, no matter the size. I can't. Or at least I feel like I can't. I have been fat my whole life, and there is no getting rid of the shy, invisible mindset. On top of the feeling of invisibilty, and I know this isn't in anyway rare, but I've had a sort-of awful relationship with one boy my whole growing up (from 11 to 19!) period. It wasn't a relationship...it was a friendship/mess/horror story. In any case, it was brutal, and on top of physical insecurities...I dunno, it just seems impossible to walk up to a man I find attractive and say hello. I mean, I'm always settling when I do that for the guy in the corner that looks the least dangerous. Oh well, I'm just ranting! ;-p I know I need to get over my issues with love and I can't blame it all on size (or expect it to fall away with my weight)....

....but all I'm saying is that its not always so easy, right?

I think I need a class in confidence! ;-)

anniedub · June 4, 2008

Just a quick note to say that I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

After I split with my fiance, my confidence took an enormous nosedive. I didn't feel like I was worth anything, and I didn't feel like anyone would ever love me again. My weight also climbed to it's highest ever point. Coincidence? I think not...

Anyway, I am slowing clawing my way back up the rungs of the self confidence ladder, but it's a bloody hard slog. The more weight I lose, the easier it's getting. Hang in there, tiger. When the right man comes along, he will love you no matter what you look like, how much you weigh, whether you're shy or whether you're swinging from the rafters.

That's what I keep telling myself, and ever so gradually, I'm starting to believe it. :eek:

Much love from Down Under for my gorgeous single sisters xoxoxox

PennyLane · June 5, 2008

I don't have any advice I'm just here to commiserate. I feel the same exact way (not banded yet though). What's worse is that I'm fairly certain that I missed what could have been my only chance. I was head over heels, but convinced that he'd never feel the same because of my size so into the friend zone we went. We now don't live in the same city (we both moved quite far away actually, and in opposite directions) and there's really just no chance (someone's engaged and it's not me).

Thing is.....I have very good reason to believe that he felt the same about me at that time and I just totally blew it. I know that life goes on and there isn't such a thing as an only chance (I hope anyway) and I'm not pining away or anything but I do know that I will live with this regret for the rest of my life and that really hurts.

Oh, and it turns out I haven't learned my lesson either. But that's another story for another day.

trish5713 · June 7, 2008

Where are all these men that don't care about looks? i've certainly never met them. i know i'm not picky (except for no creeps obviously) and i'm more confident than most of my thin friends that have boyfriends. and i've found that when guys say that they don't care about looks really it means they don't care if you have a weird nose, small boobs, bad skin, etc. i have heard on numerous occasions "you're a great girl but i'm just not physically attracted to you. can't we just be friends?" i've basically given up on finding a guy that can deal with the weight (and isn't a creep) because i don't think many exist.