My passive-aggressive mother.

[GreenChrysalis 1]

I'm pretty sure that my DH and my friends are sick of hearing about this, so I thought I'd rant a little here.

My brother, who is in his late 20s, is getting married this spring to his girlfriend of a few years. My mother has never really cared for his gf; she thinks that the gf is too demanding and self-centered. It is true that since they began dating my brother spends most holidays with her and her family. I can't blame him, as my extended family is full of nutcases and holidays are tense and stressful. I'm guessing that her family is easier to be around.

She has attended smaller family gatherings (my parents, me and my DH, my other brother) but not too often. I invited them to lunch or dinner several times with me and DH but they never took us up on it, so I stopped. Consequently, although they have been together for years, I don't feel like I know the gf too much better than when I met her. I would like to get to know her better of course and will continue to make gestures on occasion, but I am not stewing about it. If he loves her and they are happy together, then I am glad for them.

My mother says that she feels that way too, but it is clear that she does not. It is also clear that she is having a difficult time with my brother getting married, period. That seems odd to me since again, he is in his late 20s. I moved out after high school. But he lived at home off and on during college and then for a few years after college to save money, so maybe that's the difference. I don't think he was at home all that much during that time. My mother feels bad that she didn't get more emotional and upset when I got married -- she keeps saying that it's different when it's a son. I'm not bothered by her being so upset, though, except that it's stressing out my brother.

She loves to decorate and arrange flowers, but my brother told her that his gf's aunt does that as well and that it was taken care of. I'm pretty sure this pissed off my mother as she keeps making snarky comments to me about how it'll probably be tacky, she'll probably use ugly fake flowers, et cetera. Mom is of course doing the rehearsal dinner and has ordered flowers and various decorations for it. Last night she said, "I hear that they will be having daisies at the ceremony. Daisies! I mean...who does that?" I said, "What if she likes daisies? It's her wedding!" She also said she was thinking of getting some lavender/purple flowers and I said, "But [the gf] hates purple. You know that." and she muttered, "Oh, I guess so..."

Later on she said, "I don't even see why I have to be at the rehearsal" and I pointed out that she'd be walked down the aisle to her pew just like the MOB. Basically, she's being a passive-aggressive bitch because she doesn't like the gf and is bitter because she can't help plan the wedding. She keeps criticizing the gf and her mother for not hiring a wedding planner. I have said "it's her wedding, she can do what she wants" about a million times. She got married in city hall. I got married in a tiny church with less than 10 people present and had very few decorations, naturally. So she never got to plan a wedding. But she needs to get over it. I keep telling her that if she alienates my brother then she'll see him even less.

She asked my brother a few weeks ago if he would come over and spend the night before he got married. "Is that weird?" she asked him. He said yes. Um, he's almost 30 years old. So yep, pretty strange. So then she asked if he could spend the day and they could play games. That's also pretty strange. When she talked to me about it, she said, "I want us to hang out as a family one last time before we never see him again...oh, I'm just kidding." Right. Finally it got set as a family lunch. My brother asked me last night if Easter was a few weeks away. I said yes and that maybe we could get out of doing a family thing that day if we're there this Sunday. I know that sounds bad, but she's getting bad. :thumbup: She's kind of turning into my grandmother, and you know what that means for me...

Of course, I have no idea how well I'll be able to eat what they're having for lunch. I think it's barbecue. Hopefully there's a lot of sauce. I'm supposed to be on regular foods by then. Naturally I will be eating less and there will be comments. But there were comments when I ate a lot, too. Always comments...

[sfeiner 2]

I think she is feeling left out of your brother's life. Some Moms just can't let go. Sounds like you are doing everything right. Hang in there.

[GreenChrysalis 1]

I think she is feeling left out of your brother's life. Some Moms just can't let go. Sounds like you are doing everything right. Hang in there.

Thanks. I guess so, but the thing is, my in-laws were extremely overbearing and controlling. My husband stopped talking to them completely. So my mother is aware of what can happen when you cling too tightly to your adult children, and yet she is in danger of going down that road. I don't think it helps that she doesn't work, doesn't have many activities and has health problems. She just dwells on things for a long time. I am trying to be understanding but also protect my brother, who has a high-stress job and also has some health problems that are aggravated by stress. Hopefully it'll get better after the wedding!

[Kat817 19]

Wow! Poor you caught in the middle. It sounds sad to say it this way---I hope you understand---maybe you can use the situation with your Mom to bring the relationship with the GF and you closer. Maybe confiding that you too find her behaviour odd, and a bit scary---she will relate to you, and find relief that not the whole family is feeling that way towards her.

I don't say ditch how your mom is feeling....she need not even know about the conversation with the GF. But maybe if his fiance knew she would have an ally in you, she would be more comfortable going over to your Moms more frequently.

It seems to me that is going to be the only way to appease Mom. For them to set aside one night every other week, or every other Saturday, and spend time with her.

My MIL is similar in some of the passive/aggressive, martyr actions....what a pain it is! We finally made arrangements as a group---an extended family, we all meet every other Saturday morning at a local buffet restaurant, and have Breakfast together. It gets us all together, no one has to cook, or clean, and then it leaves the rest of the day and weekend free to do our own family things, but yet we get to see our other, extended family.

The advantage to the buffet style is everyone can choose what they want, and if someone says something to irritate you, you can always walk away to the buffet! Believe me I have done this!!!

Plus at a buffet, each family group pays their own way as they come in, so it is not always the same one getting stuck with a big check!

It does keep our parents happier though, knowing we set aside time and enjoy being with them. Our issues are different---his parents will have him out there, and have a list of chores they want done 3 miles long! They spend no time hearing about his day or his job, or his plans--they want him to be working, then they tell him how successful his brother in Denver is--who is never here to do a damn thing! So yes, we tend to stay away from my inlaws too----and the Breakfast meet up works wonderful!!!

As for her being involved, maybe you and your Mom could throw her a family bridal shower or something, that she could plan....and keep her busy?

Good Luck---I can see how you are stuckin the middle!!!!

Kat

[Blund 0]

Wow. I'm lucky that my in-laws welcomed me into the family. Of course, they were beginning to wonder WHEN their son would get married!! (We were 33) But MY mom fits a lot of what your saying about yours. My big brother's wife got so much crap from my mom, and still gets a little. They've been together about 30 years now too! In the beginning it was so bad...Mom would not sit and eat dinner at the table with her! I'm serious! I was there! My sis in law finally stood up to her and Mom backed right down. Mom would make some comment, and Beca would say "what do you mean by that??!!" in a calm tone. We all liked her from the beginning so she didn't feel that isolated. My bro kinda hung out with her family more instead of ours. Who could blame him??

With my DH, my Mom had gotten much better. We dated a LONG time ago in high school, then after 13 years got back together. My parents were still in the "teen agers dating" thing and "he's not good enough."

Anyway, I agree with Kat. Talk to the gf and let her know that you know your mom's behaving badly, not her. And once YOU get to know her better, you can help defend her and she'll be less stressed out about family gatherings. There is a poem that kind of covers this:

A daughter's a daughter all of her life,

A son's a son till he takes a wife.

Your mom is going to have to get over it, hopefully sooner than later. Life is too short. Its hard to be in the middle, and its really up to your bro to stand up to your mom for his new future wife.

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Kat, thanks for your advice. I have never spoken much with the fiancee one on one so I think it might be awkward. I was thinking I would write her a nice note. I have spoken with my brother many times about this and let him know that I am there for them and trying to help with the mom situation.

I think it would be good for us to organize a meet up at a restaurant or something like that as your family does. It would definitely keep my mother happier!

I didn't mention it in my original post but my mother does not work and doesn't get out of the house much. She has health issues but she could definitely volunteer or take classes, something like that, but she does not. I think if she had things to distract her it would be different.

I would hesitate to suggest a shower as the fiancee's family has already planned one and has invited members of my family. If my mother goes then I will be keeping her in check the whole time I'm sure!

Blund, you are lucky. Good for your SIL for standing up to your mother like that. I don't know if my future SIL will do that. She seems pretty quiet and more the type that would just avoid the situation altogether. I hope my brother stands up to my mother and defends her. Of course that's what my DH did and now we don't talk to his parents, so...

[Blund 0]

Your DH did the right thing. Its nice to married to a MAN, not a "boy". The parents/in-laws are only hurting themselves behaving this way. If the gf had been in prison or something, I could see it......

Good luck

[Southern Missy 1]

I know exactly what you are talking about. My DH is the only son and the baby so his mom totally whacked out when we said we were getting married. She even had the audacity to tell me one time that "I was stealing him from her". All I can say is, FAMILY is overrated.

DH and I have been married coming up on 16 years and I can finally say after several (I know of at least 4) really big BLOWUPS, that we are finally all cool with one another. However, it took my DH standing up to his mother many, many times. The one time that I really treasure in my heart, though, is when I heard him tell her this:

"There is no ME for you without her". I think that's when she realized that he was serious that she better learn to accept me if she planned to have him at all. It also let me know how much he LOVES me!!

I feel for you...never pleasant!

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Hey Southern Missy (where are you? I'm in Georgia so I'm a Southern girl myself), I hear you. I am glad that you are all cool with your MIL now. My DH is an only child and his mother completely whacked out, to the point of making up vicious lies about me and stalking me and my family. I didn't call the cops but let me tell you, I considered it.

I don't exactly recall getting the "you're stealing him from me" line, but she did expect us for dinner every night and wanted to build a house in their backyard for us to live in. No ma'am! DH stood up to her and she said that it had to be her or me, he must choose. I hope he feels like he chose wisely. We've been married for almost 13 years and we haven't talked to them in about 8. I'm not saying we'll never reconcile, but that's where it stands now.

So the worst thing about my Mom is that she saw all of this go on. She was the one I called all upset when his mother accused me of being a drug addict, practicing witchcraft, et cetera. And she swore she would not be that kind of mother, she would accept whomever her children chose as partners as long as they were happy. Yet when my brother chose somebody that she didn't know well and didn't care for, that all changed. I've warned her that she is in danger of alienating him entirely but she doesn't seem to get it. I hope she comes to her senses, because otherwise she won't have him in her life.

[Kat817 19]

I know this is going to sound like a "man comment"--blaming everything on hormones....but could your Mom be going through menopause and the hormone surges exacerbating all the issues? I was recently reading up on peri-menopause---I personally had a hysterectomy years ago, but my best friend is acting pretty strangely off and on lately, not to me....but to her sons! And their wife & fiance. She said the other day that her Dr. said she had entered peri menopause. So in this article it said it often triggers other chemical imbalances in the brain, leading to bi polar actions, and for years this has always simply been associated with "the change" when in actuality it can happen in spurts during pregnancy, PMS, and other times of hormone surges. Has your Mom ever exhibited these signs at other times in her life???

Going to do further reading on it, as the article doesn't really describe my friend----but will check other books out on the conditions.

Kat

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Hey Kat, that is a perfectly reasonable comment. My mother is actually bi-polar so she acts strange on occasion anyway, although it's generally managed quite well with medication. But this behavior is even beyond her usual weirdness. She was going through peri-menopause, but a few months ago she had an endometrial ablation (as an alternative to a hysterectomy). I'm sure that these could be playing a part, though.

[Southern Missy 1]

ROFL :drool:

GC,

I am from Alabama and I had to work to stay upright in my chair. My MIL not only called our house EVERY night at 9 p.m., we DO live in her back yard!

Anyway, I also wanted to give you kudos for being the type SIL that your brother's GF can come to. When is a bad MIL terrible? When you add in a bad SIL... Take it from me!! We still have issues with that one but for the most part, I just ignore her. Just one example: She told us a couple of years ago that our Christmas gifts suck and we should just give her kids cash... :sneaky:

[Blund 0]

Maybe Dr. Phil??!!!! :blushing:

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Oh man, Southern Missy, I couldn't even contemplate living in my parents' backyard, and of course never my in-laws! And that SIL that told you that your Christmas gifts suck is an ungrateful witch. Yeesh.:tt2:

Blund, I loathe Dr. Phil. So I don't think that's a solution. :tongue:

[Kat817 19]

Oh me too!! Forget the passive, I would just become aggressive if forced to deal with Dr. Phil and his self righteous attitude----horrid man in my opinion!!!!!!

Kat