dating and the band

Marie3181 · March 10, 2005

Ok, some background: I've had some really bad luck with men lately. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me in July, then I dated a couple guys here and there, then from October to early February I dated Shane, a man that I thought I might spend the rest of my life with...but he got a job in Texas (I live in Michigan), and moved there to take the Texas bar and be an assistant prosecuting attorney.

So now here I am, trying to pick up the pieces. I was a wreck after Shane totally cut me off and left, but the past couple weeks I've been trying to get out there again. I went out with this guy 3 times and then suddenly he sent me the "I had a really great time hanging out with you but I think I'd prefer to stay friends" email. And the only thing I can think of that changed was that I told him about the band. We were out at dinner the last time I saw him and I could only eat like 3 bites (I just had a fill), and he asked me if the food was ok, etc., and I felt like I had no option but to tell him about the band. Generally I'm straightforward about it and people accept it, but now I'm torn about what to tell men I go out with.

Unfortunately, dinner is like the universal first date, but I don't really think a first date is the time to go into an explanation about my weight loss surgery. I'm kind of at a loss as to how to handle the situation. Any ideas?

And while we're at it - meeting men is so difficult! Any tips/ideas/anecdotes on how (or more specifically, where) to meet people?

Alexandra · March 10, 2005

Hi Marie,

I don't think you need to spill the Beans at the first date, even if it is dinner. Most of the time you could order an appetizer or Soup and just say you're not very hungry. I've had lots of business lunches and sometimes someone will comment on how little I'm eating but it's been easy to brush it off. I guess a date is entitled to a little more curiosity, but you don't have to cave altogether. A little mystery is enticing!

As for how to meet men I have only this sage advice: Do what YOU like to do. I met the man of my dreams only after deciding that I was perfectly happy being single. Think of all the free time I had! There are loads of social opportunities out there for people with hobbies. I went out and found a club that had a volleyball team--which I love to play--and joined. This club had lots of other cool things to do, so I was never bored. I tried new things, made lots of friends, and had a great time.

My best friend has been single now for almost 9 years, and she is still spending many, many evenings with men she meets online. She's had only one relationship for more than a month and it ended badly. I keep telling her to do what entertains HER and stop looking for a man; she has much better things to do with her time. She agrees, but somehow can't take that step of focusing on what SHE wants instead of what she thinks the men want.

The captain of the volleyball team I joined is now my husband, and our 10th anniversary is in June.

the best me · March 10, 2005

On a first date, shyly admit to being a little nervous, and therefore not very hungry. Let him know the only thing cheap tonight is the dinner bill. HA! I crack myself up.

No, really, what a quandary! I would tend to be very open also, but I guess it could freak someone out. That ole Shane doesn't know what he's missing. Living well is the best revenge, and not even caring enough to get revenge is even better. I like Alex's advice...do what YOU like, you'll meet him.

I met my DH of 8 yrs on a blind date.

shamrock · March 10, 2005

What activities do you like to do. Join some clubs to get out among people. Take some lessons ie Golf then join a league. or hit some balls at a driving range. Do you like to bike ride. Look in your area for 1 or 2 day cycle events. Play pool? Bowling? Any mens soft ball leagues around get a girl friend and go watch. What community events are going on volunteer for something. You just never know who will be there or what new friend will introduce you to someone. Check into your community college for charater building courses. Guitar, gardening, whatever. :banana . The funny thing was I met my husband when I wasn't even looking for some one. That was 18 years ago As far as the band goes. Do what you feel comfortable with . And if he don't stay around, then you deserve someone else. This is just my opinion