I regret having the lap band surgery (m)

[MamaJava 1]

I get sad when I see stuff like this... DONT LET YOUR HUSBAND CONTROL YOU!! Why do women let their husbands control them, manipulate them and make them feel bad about stuff like this?? He sounds wishy washy to me. LIke he was going to be supportive and then he changed his mind and is trying to make you feel guilty because he can't deal with his own emotions about this.

He needs to be a supportive husband, period, and if not, oh well! it's your body, not his. And, his statement about being "all cut up".. PLEASE.. I've seen several lap band scars a year out and I could barely even tell.. the only scar visible was the port scar and I have a cut on my thumb from a glass cutting me that looks worse than all the ones I've seen!

You need to just say: listen, it's done.. it's over with.. if you can't deal with the minute scars then oh well.. when I start losing weight and feeling better about myself you'll see it's worth it.

I don't know if he's scared you'll leave him, or, if he's scared that once you'll lose weight, you'll gain confidence and then he can't manipulate you any longer... you see, some men like having a fat wife so they can boss them around and treat them like shit and keep them where they want them.

Anyway, I'm getting too emotional here. I've just seen this too many times and I'm so happy my husband Jerry was a wonderful and supporting husband and when he was worried I would lose a lot of weight.. guess what, he joined a gym and did my diet with me and has gone from 255 to 231 this morning! He wants us to be healthy together... and when somebody loves you, they could care less if you have a few scars on your belly!

So please, don't regret the band... and maybe you need to just be a big B with your husband and tell him off or something.

Of course, this is me.. I wouldn't take that shit from any man..

VERY well put! I could not have said it better myself. When I read the original post, all these same thoughts were shooting through my head. Thanks for saving me all that time typing. :w00t:

[shortgal 5]

I feel terrible for you to not have support. As snowbird said it could be difficult for you, if you have some tough band moments, to not have the support at home. Trust me, you'll find it on this forum, if you need it from someone else.

You must try to analyze where his insecurity and this feeling is coming from. Is he a controlling spouse as another poster suggested? OR is he just insecure that you might leave him once you lose the weight because he is just insecure? Big difference! And yes, if he doesn't become more supportive of your decision, he might have to face the fact you will leave, who wouldn't?

I cannot imagine another person telling someone that getting healthy was a bad thing. What if you were in an accident and had some scars as a result or metal pins put in a bone? Would he feel the same way? What kind of love is this?

You have every right to want this for yourself and don't let him tell you otherwise.

You are just out of surgery and the first few weeks can be tough, emotionally and physically. It will get better.

You don't say how long you've been married or how old you are. This could just be a bit of immaturity on his part showing through. We don;t have all the facts and are making some assumptions.

Men like to buy boats, motorcycles, fancy cars, gamble, golf, drink with the guys etc and then tell us we spend too much money? Hey, this is worth it and for your health.

If he doesn't come around... dump his sorry ass! You deserve better. Sorry, just my two cents!

Please let us know how things are going. You'll find someone to talk to and unfortunately PLENTY of advice. Take what applies and throw the rest aside.

[Bergdorfblonde 3]

You didn't make a mistake! It is great that your husband loves you while you are overweight. A lot of men are not as nice as him. Most people I told I was going to have lap band surgery did not want me to do it. You hear horror stories of people dying from it and it doesn't seem worth the risk. However, it is truly a personal decision. Your husband, parents, friends, can't make this decision for you!

It is hard right after the surgery because you are all cut up and haven't lost any weight and feel crappy and you regret having done this to yourself. You think, omigod, I spent so much money to be chopped up and what if I dont even lose any weight?

I self paid and have spent about $15,000 total. It is the best money I've ever spent on anything! If you have been dieting your whole life and still can't lose weight, the band is the best thing ever. It's just a tool however, and you can sabatoge it if you want to. However, if you are dedicated to losing weight and changing your life it is truly a great thing.

I don't need to give you reasons to lose weight. I can see you really want to. Your husband probably has conflicted feelings because 1) its expensive and nobody has thousands of dollars to throw down the toilet 2) god forbid you get skinny and hot and leave him for some hot stud.

Just let him know that its your body and your decision and he needs to support you and that you love him and he has nothing to be worried about. You've done the surgery already. Him being grumpy is not productive for either of you. Tell him to get over it.:w00t:

I really did research this and just felt so excited to be having this. I really have a great DH who loves me in spite of my weight - he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am. And man, do I love him for that.

But a few days before surgery, he told me he didn't support me doing this. He said he felt like if he was happy with me than that was all that mattered. I had a real honest heart-to-heart with him, where I told him exactly how I feel being overweight and exactly how much I weighed. I really left that conversaton feeling like he got it and he was behind me.

The the day of surgery, he barely spoke to me. After getting home, we had it out a little, and he said he just didn't like it that I was all cut up and that I did this. We've talked again, and I can see now that he was never totally for this surgery. He is against it because it changes me and puts "unnatural things" in my body and he also is worried of the financial burden since I was self pay.

I'm just so sad now. Had I known it was going to be like this with him, I'd have never done this. I really thought I had his support. He is trying hard now to get over his feelings, because what is done is done. But I just feel like I made a huge mistake.

[I'm still here 0]

allykat ~

I feel for you because in alot of ways I was in the same situation with my husband. We have been married 18 years, have 2 beautiful kids and I was 80 pounds heavier than when we got married. I hated it but he said he loved me the way I was . . .

I had the lap-band surgery for ME. No one else. I wanted to lose the weight to be healthier and also to look better. I realize I am lucky that my husband loved me fat, but I didn't love me. It has to be about YOU.

I recently had a Tummy Tuck and he was beyond opposed to it . . . Again - I did it for ME.

I love my husband and would love his support, but have learned over the years that we are not going to agree on everything and sometimes you have to just 'agree to disagree' . . . I pick my battles with him and will continue doing what I NEED to do, with or without his support.

[Pix 4]

One thing that makes me sad is people are making assumptions on her husband. We don't know what kind of person he is or how he acts to her. He is most likely scared out of his wits he might loose his wife. Cut the fella a bit of slack, he is most likely scared and isn't trying to control her but in his own masculine way trying to keep her safe.

Now granted I am not saying he ISN'T that controlling ass, I am saying don't' assume something you don't know. It truly does cause more harm then good, cause if he isn't that controlling arse then you would be insulting ally by that assumption, or putting that seed of doubt in her relationship that had no problems but a husband that was dealing with inner demons about his wife having MAJOR surgery and changing her life forever.

Try to think from both sides of that particular box, don't jump to conclusions that could potentially harm a couple.

****** disclaimer*****

Now if it turns out you all assumed right then I will say "I was wrong" but please, thing about all sides before making leaping assumptions

[Angie4b1g 1]

My husband wasn't overly excited about me having surgery, either. But, I didn't do it for him, I did it for me. Thankfully, he saw this and was supportive, but even had he not been, I would have gone ahead with it.

Also, I'm self pay, and I don't work outside the home, so he's the one paying for it if you want to get technical.

Being married doesn't mean you are no longer your own person who can make their own decisions.

[trystelle 3]

Please consider couples counseling. His treatment of you post surgery indicate there are issues beyong your lapband!

[Marimaru 7]

The main issue as I see it is that he waited until the last minute to voice is opposition, and then you had a conversation with him in which you seemed to think the issue was resolved. And now that you've HAD SURGERY he's telling you how much he is apposed to it. He should have been saying these things to you from DAY ONE when you told him you were thinking about getting it done, not now. Now it's rather pointless since it's over with. If he'd said these things before, you could have educated him enough to be comfortable with it before hand, or come to terms with the idea that you were going to do it against his wishes, or decided on something else.

It seems like a very large, very unnecessary guilt trip.

[wrestlersmom 0]

I did not read all the replies and I dont know how long you have been married.. But In a way I think he is being selfish and proberly worried when you get to a goal weight you might leave him.. He needs to stand by you and if he does not dont let him get you down.. You needed this for MANY reasons.. Men sometime feel if we stay this way we wont ever be able to leave them if we have to cause no one wants to date or be with a a heavy woman.. SO lose the weight and talk things out with him.. Good Luck you have my support 1000 times over..

[allykat 1]

I have to say, my DH is far from being a controlling a$$. He really is one of the best hubbies you can have. I guess that is why I was feeling so crappy, because we were so out of synch on this. We've been married 15 years and honestly, the only fights we have ever had (if you want to call it that) is over financial matters. And I think the cost of the surgery is what is at the root of his trouble with this. He is worried that we'll get into debt that we cannot get out of, but I know that isn't the case. I'd have never taken on an obligation I can't handle.

I think his issue is also change. He is a captain/paramedic in the fire department and is less than thrilled wiht some things going on in his job. Today, I've gotten myself together a little better, and we've talked more. He told me he is really upset about work and that he really does want to support me. We will get through this. I was just feeling really down this morning, I think someone hit it on the head...I'm hungry, I have incisions, I can't lay down like I want to right now and I just feel soooo yuck. I'm sure one weight starts coming off, it will be better.

BTW - I have lost significant weight in the past and DH knows I wouldn't ever leave him. We talked again today and he was pretty upset that I was upset because he never wanted to hurt me.

I guess time will heal.

[shortgal 5]

So glad you checked back in with us and brought us up to date. You're still recovering and defintely not completely your old self yet.

It's a good thing, the communication, and now we have a much better understanding of the situation than just your first post.

Men do worry about money and supporting their family and he's going through a bad time at work plus was worried about your surgery. That's a lot for any married couple to handle.

you'll get a few months under your (banded) belt and a few more pounds down and things will start to look up again.

Hang in there.

[MacMadame 81]

I was fat when I met my husband and he was thin (probably too thing, really). He filled out a bit as he got older and looked pretty hot to me, but then he didn't stop filling out. And most of it is in his tummy. The only reason his BMI is less than mine is because he's 6 ft tall!

In the meantime, I lost 70 lb. for our wedding... going from over 200 to 135 lb. A year later (and one gallbladder down) I was 145. Then 155. Then I got pregnant with our first kid and went up to almost 200 again. Down to 175 after delivery, then back up to 217 (my heaviest ever at that time). Then down and up over and over and I'm now 220+, the heaviest I've ever been.

I don't think my dh thinks I should get the surgery either. He thinks I should just see a nutritionist. Like he refused to do when his cholesterol went over 200. I've told him that I've been to Jenny Craig classes and Weight Watchers and I know everything a nutritionist can tell me. I know that fat has 9 cal per gram instead of 4 cal like the others. I know about drinking lots of Water. I know what percentage of my diet should be Protein, carbs and fat. I know about bad fats and good fats. I know how to estimate portion sizes by eye. I know all that stuff. My problem isn't that I don't know what to eat; my problem is that I'm hungry all the time.

But even though it's not something he would do (He is totally freaked out by hospitals and surgery on top of believing it's just about finding the right diet), he says it's my body and I should do what I want with it. My son says the same. It's my youngest who says she doesn't want me to get the surgery because I'm fine the way I am and I'm pretty and she doesn't want me to change.

I'm not worried that dh won't love me when I'm thin. For one thing, I'm never going to be bikini thin -- I have stretch marks from having kids and saggy boobs and those aren't going to go away. I think as long as my boobs stay C cup or better, he'll be happy. :w00t:

The big thing I worry about is that I'll get healthy and he still won't be and I won't be happy with him.

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

[AppleSmith1226 1]

All I have to say is look at your weight loss sweetie ... could you have done that with out ur band??? If not ... this was not a huge mistake! YOU DID THIS FOR U! NOBODY ELSE! NO one else on the planet has to walk in ur shoes... shit he will get over it ... I am sure he has done things to piss u off too ... but you gotten over it... keep ur head up girl and focus on getting urself healthy!! I wish u the best honey bunches of oats LOL!